I am not sure what it is. But the last last few days I find myself feeling empty. So much I need to do. But I don't have it in me to want to do it. It is not like me to just not care. I have never felt like this before. My DD needs help learning to drive, I don't care. My mom needs help getting around town, I don't care. I need to really clean the house, I don't care. So many need my prayers, I can't pray. What has happened to me, my life is not near as bad as others here. I feel numb. Help........I don't feel depressed. I am somewhat happy, just don't seem to care about the things around me.
I think as caregivers we sometimes get way overwhelmed without really realizing it. After cleaning up the mud tracked thru the house, closing doors left open, cleaning up the coffee spilled daily down the front of the diswasher, on and on by my dh there comes a point where I don't care. What's the use. This lasts a few days, the cloud lifts and it passes. I do agree with Emily that it is also a sign of depression. The overwhelmed brain uses up all the seritonum (sp) and it needs replacing. If it continues, please talk with your Dr.
I feel that way when I've overextended myself for a long period of time. It helps if I change the scene (if possible), treat myself to dinner out, a movie, an outing with friends - anything that will "fill up my well" again. And it could be a message your body is sending you that you can't be everything to everybody,including the house, and you deserve to cut yourself some well-earned slack.
blue this sounds "normal" to me with all that is going on, and as JGranny says, when you can, remind yourself that yes, it will pass. I had almost a whole year of that last year, most days blank, then the painful crying ones and I would post here.This year is a bit better despite the rapid progress of his dementia.
Also, are you eating right, and maybe taking vitamins? Take a couple paks of that Emergen-C paks in water each day, please.
I think you are just overwhelmed with it all, and having feelings is just too much sometimes. Please take care of yourself.
Yup, depression . . . been there, done that, still happens too . . . . .
The symptoms of depression are not always recognizable to the person having it. (which makes identification and treatment very hard!)
Other subtle symptoms are not having 'happy memories'. (loss of interest in previously pleasurable activites) When I had a horriable period in my life (8-10 years before the wife's AD) I 'lost interest' in things that made me happy. I looked at things around the house I used to enjoy (my collectables hobby) and things I used to do related to them and I discovered that derived no pleasure from seeing them or thinking about them. It wasnt like the AD amnesia, but I just couldnt 'remember' EVER enjoying things I knew I had previously long enjoyed. (it was bizzare!)
Another symptyom is the loss of abilty to solve problems. When my wife was ejected from day care I suddenly had NO IDEA what to do with her so that I could continue to work. I just couldnt figure out home care. It just never occured to me, my mind was numb. I had no idea who to call to arrange for anything. In my head I just kept thinking that "Well I guess at age 53 I will just have to quit working". Through family and a local AD support group leader I was linked up with home care and now we are back on track. I was shocked that I couldnt figure out a simple situation and really didnt care about anything.
FYI - In both situations I did get through it without medications, but every person is different.
Depression is insidous - the person getting it doesnt always recognize it. Be careful!
Blue...I get days like that too. I'm fighting depression all the time, determined not to take meds for it, for fear of falling into an addiction. I don't care too much anymore about anything, it's taking all my energy just to get through one day at a time. I try to keep up my hobby of quilting so I can go to my weekly group of like minded friends....that's my highlight of the whole week, the day I can forget for a few hours and enjoy outside company.
Edited to say...Overwhelmed is a good description of what I'm feeling too...Overwhelmed by the whole lot
I have said exactly what you said and to the faces of the kids when they were here in April.Things just weren't going right, I was bone tired from trying to get the house half way decent for them....and I got so frustrated at one point I just looked at them and said " I don't care anymore..I just don't care. I have always had the umph to get the house work done, keep things neat and squared away and now "I just don't give a flying fandango ( I cleaned that up) anymore about anything....except my kittens and my jewelery." I don't want to do this anymore.
Finally in Sept on the 11th, it all came crashing down on me. The anger I have held and voiced to anyone who would listen..my two best friends would be there so I could vent...about how I felt the kids were so busy with their own lives and giving their dad short shrift ....no one volunteered to come stay so I could have a break...guess I have to run up the white flag of surrender...
What happened? Migraines and sensory symptoms of anxiety, hyperventilation and panic attacks.. Got a good check up and health is otherwise very good...but was put on one of those SSRIs and had a terrible reaction so now take Valium and things are starting to be getting a bit better.
I did not think I was depressed and in the clinical sense I don't think I was. I was not wanting to hurt myself or anyone else, I even displayed my sense of humor....but there was this under current that I didn't recognize with relation to anxiety which can be sneaky...
I would suggest you talk to your doctor, get a check up and make sure your bloods are good, no anemia, etc...and see if a low dose of an anti anxiety med would help. I am taking only 1 mg of Valium...that is like a trace but it seems to be enough to help me cope. We just are so overwhelmed with all that needs done, the sameness of every day, and our brains just become numb...simple problems become hard to solve...
I am just so thankful I found the doctor I have. She is a dream come true...concierge and this is not an inexpensive way to go but she is worth every cent..She makes house calls on patients who can't get to her. She takes care of many ALZ patients and the caregivers and she really gets it!
Take care of yourself. You deserve to feel well...but this disease will not leave us in the perpetual happy go lucky mode...we are living in, as Joan put it in her essay yesterday, we live in haunted houses and no matter the floor plan, this kind of house is miserable.
I just popped awake. And it hit me. The wall. I have built the wall around me, not only for my DH. But now everything else.
I noticed this the other night, my dreams are different. Then I realized, my dreams are not different it is me in the dreams are different. No emotion. That is it, no emotion.
I have no emotion, because of the wall! I keep saying I will cry when this is all over. Now for almost 3 years.
Let me run it down, DH, the last straw with him. We have always held hands in bed as we have fallen asleep. The last week or so he has not wanted to do that. Loss of DH. Wall
DD who is 16 and soon to be leaving. She wants to move out of town. Empty nest. First time in 34 years I will be without a child in the house. Wall....
My Mom who is going to be 80 in Feb. Getting weaker and having a harder time day to day. Loss of mom. Wall
DD in Afghanistan, along with SIL and xSIL also over in the area. Fear of loss of one or all. Wall
DS is unable to work because of an injury at work and fighting workers comp. Lost his rental house and living with his inlaws. Unable to help. Wall
Because of the last two, all my grandkids are homeless. Can't help. Wall.
Stepkids unwilling to have anything to do with their dad. Angry nothing I can do. Wall.
Four pets, two dogs and two cats. Two with health issues who wont get better. Loss of pets. Wall.
The world around us is an evil place. Danger, fear, sadness all around. Nothing I can do to stop it. Wall.
This really started in full force around the time I left my job. To much time spent alone it my fear inducing world. So keep building that wall higher and thicker. No emotion now, no time for that. Need to stay strong and keep this house going.
I need a good cry, I need to scream to high heaven. I need to let myself be angry, mad, sad and lonely. I need to be human again.
Thank you all for helping me work through this. (((((Many hugs)))) to you all.
Blue, I am sorry you are having these feelings ((hugs)) I have built walls before, I knew this time to also build some windows into it. We can suffocate inside without them…..I know people continuously tell me that I HAVE to emotionally divorce Lynn. I can’t and I wont. I personally don’t think it is healthy to try to stuff all of our emotions behind our “walls”
Long ago I learned the hard way that sooner or later, those walls will tumbles down and in it’s wake will be the wreckage of all we tried to bury there. I think it is much healthier to deal with our losses blow by blow. It hurts like hell, but when faced head on, I believe the healing can start sooner too.
After placing Lynn I went into a pretty bad depression. I didn’t care about much of anything. I was able to go see Lynn daily, pay the bills and take care of my pets, but other than that, I honestly didn’t care. I wouldn’t eat for days and I didn’t even realize I hadn’t.
My Dad took his life…. Depression is something my family takes very seriously. I didn’t want to die, but neither was I living… I was consumed in grief, drowning in pain.
I am not sure why our society has such a stigma about getting help for depression. With any other illness we run to the doctor! I didn’t run, but after having done some research after my Dad’s death, I did figure I should at least get my serotonin levels checked.
I was surprised to find out my levels were so low they barely even registered. It’s a chemical imbalance, like any other illness, it needs to be treated. I have fear of addiction with narcotics and refuse to take them for my pain, but I had no problem taking the medicine my body needed to get my serotonin levels up. (I was only on them for a few months.)
It wasn’t a magic pill, placing Lynn remains the single hardest thing I have ever done, so yes, I was still depressed as hell, but I did start to care about things and people again. I was better able to wade my way through the overwhelming losses and emotions I was trying to deal with.
Perhaps you could talk with you doctor, maybe have a checkup? It can’t hurt and it could help immensely. In the meantime, try to carve out a window in those walls ((hugs))
I never thought of my self as the type who gets depressed but after reading this thread I'm not so sure. I didn't feel anything for anyone and forget eating. I haven't cooked for myself since my DH first went into an ALF in April it is probably worse since he died in August. I am volunteering two mornings a week for 2 hours in one place and 4 in another. At least that's how it's supposed to be but the last two mornings I have left early because of the pain in my hip and lower back. I have seen my doctor and I am going for physical therapy Monday afternoon. I did get a prescription for pain pills and was surprised when I had to show my driver's license. I can't take the pills anyway because they make me itch all over!!!!
blue....it has been quite awhile that Dado has not been able to respond to touch. Sometimes I will go to his bed and try to cuddle him, he feels like a board he is so wound up. I have not been able to sleep with him for over a year because he tosses, turns, moans and thrashes.
Then yesterday I called him in to my bed early am, asked him to lay down and I put my arms around him. He immediately started to shake and sob and could not stay. We know blue, that the reason has nothing to do with us, I think, there is something in them that just is too lost when they try to remember how they love us.
He does keep one memory though. When we are in the car, I reach over and stroke his arm and say, do you remember what that means. And he says, love you. So far he has not forgotten that.
I was able to give up everything else as long as I had the connection of the hand holding. He will still hold my hand in the daytime. But night time in bed, I think he does not fully remember the husband/wife part. So better not to hold hands. And I will not force it. I don't want to worry him or make him afraid. He does love me still, just in his own way.
This just sucks so much. When I think of what we have lost in the last three years. Oh my God. He was driving and working three years ago. Now he can not remember his address, phone number, how to take a shower, and every pocket is stuffed with paper towels and napkins. On a side note, you all may want to invest in Bounty paper products :) I am feeling better. I think what I am feeling is normal, normal for what we are living. It comes in stages and waves. We just have to watch to makes sure it does not take us under. But like others before us we will make it through.
May God bless you all for walking with me, I could not make it alone. ((((Hugs to all))))
glad you are feeling just a bit better blue. I read your post and it really , really sounds like my guy, as they are both younger it really does seem to move along. Yes, Dado was diagnosed two years ago this December, was still driving, helping me, and paying bills. Now, he can barely walk, barely talk, and of course does not know address phone number or even who the president is.
Sometimes I get the silly notion that it is the seroquel that is making him like this...then I read your post...then I remember how he was when I took him off the seroquel. Now he is in a crying phase, please blue if your guy goes through this reach out here, it is really hard. Truly I have used your walls when this happens, it is one of the single hardest things to witness.
And like you I am off work, I am surprised that I am able to accept it so well.
(blue) many thoughts and hope for you to get through this and all of us too.
Blue - I will say a prayer that you can find something that will lift your spirits. Your situation, as is mine, is what it is and I know in my case it is just hard to accept. I've been a widow one month. Dh didn't just gradually go down he went in giant steps and even so I just wasn't expecting his death so soon even though I knew that was the end game for us. For this month even as busy as I've been I find myself not just thinking it but saying "I don't care" and I really don't. What is ahead for me? I still have my 91 yr. old sister to care for so I have to care, but it is hard. My heart goes out to you. I pray you will soon find your way.
I didn't think I would be the one on an anti-depressant, but I am. Was angry, bitter, didnt want to get up, etc. The med made a big difference in my life. Problems and future outlook didn't change, but thinking clearer, back managing the situations. Need to take care of yourself and do what is necessary.
Blue, I tend to get this "empty feeling" when things are going good with DH. I start to let my guard down a little bit and in comes in this feeling as you described. May be if you use the process that was described in a different post to think about other things, it will help.
john666, can I ask what antidepressant you are taking? My doc put me on Lexapro for anxiety, hyperventilation and panic attacks. I took two tablets and by day 3 I was a mess...had to get off of that and now take 2mg Valium once or twice a day as needed. It helps some. Today my doctor mentioned a different anti depressant/ anti anxiety med.Buspar or something like that...they all scare me after my bad reaction to Lexapro.
And for all of you out there who have had the anxiety problems, what were some of the physical symptoms you had and how long did it take for them to disappear? I still get sensory sensations and sometimes stronger than other times...it makes me nuts thinking there is something more than just stress.
My doctor told m today to start looking at facilities and gave me the name of a lady who knows all the facilities in our area that goes with one and knows all the questions and things to be aware of before getting on a waiting list. She said sometimes the ALZ victim may not be ready for placement but the caregiver has no choice for the sake of their own health. Intellectually I know this but emotionally I have a hard time with just thinking about it and I think it has caused some of the sensory symptoms to surface again tonight...sigh.
I'm reading all this and crying...I have nothing to write, you have all written it all. I thought I was coping ok, but like all of you here...I've put up a wall, to help me cope. The house is so empty without him here...I hate it!
I am using Lexapro. Sorry it did not work for you. However you mentioned starting with 2 tabs a day. My wife is sensitive to these tyes of meds so I learned to start meds slow. Cut 10mg tab in half and did 5mg for 7 days in am (same time every day) then went to full 10mg tab. Took about 3 weeks to really kick in. Hope doc finds the correct one for you.
I have a strange follow up to all this. Last night I had a dream where I had my emotions back. I was at different points in the dream, happy, sad, afraid and angry. I had not felt them in the dreams the last week or so. So very strange. I feel a bit more normal. Glad to know it was not just me going through this void.
If it helps, I am feeling a bit more connected yesterday and today. I think my emotion tank had just hit empty. Needed a week to recharge. I now know to watch for depression as it could follow the empty feeling. I have a check up, coming up. I have already talked to my doctor about depression and we are watching for it. I will make sure to tell him about this too.
The mind and body are funny things, they can only take so much. We all need to make sure to keep an eye on ourselves.
John I guess I said it wrong..I took one tab a day in the morning for two days...then I was to take a half tab per doc on the 3rd day in the afternoon...but my peer counselor came and saw what a mess I was...I looked really bad I guess, and so she insisted I call the doc or she was calling 911...so I did and doc pulled me off that day. Sorry for the confusion.
Yesterday my doc mentioned consideration for Buspar (sp). Has anyone been on that one? The side effects for all of these scare me..I am sensitive to meds as well it seems.
Re: antidepressants. Three years ago my doc put me on citalopram (Celexa) and said I would sleep like a baby. Well, I was awake all night for 3 nights straight.. Next one was mirtazapine 15 mg and I felt agitated, She upped the dose to 30 mg and that was the magic dose. I don't feel drugged. I don't cry over every insult as I used to, but I do feel emotionless. I don't feel like doing anything that I don't have to. If I get the meals, do the laundry and keep the house short of filthy that's enough. I was going to Curves 3 days a week and that kept me going. I haven't been in more than a week and now I have no energy at all.
I did start having a caretaker in on Fridays so I can get out of the house. She has been twice and we are still feeling it out to see how DH will adapt to her being here. We told him she was here to help with the cleaning. Yesterday he told her he didn't want her to dust the room he was in. I did go out for an hour and he quited down. Next week I want to go to the local AZ support group so I hope he behaves himself.
Anyway I hope getting out without worring about him while I am gone will help the empty feeling.
I can identify with you about the tasks at hand....I get up in the morning and when I hear DH coming down the hall, the first thing that hit me is" Now it starts all over again". Once the meds are out of the way and something for breakfast is done, then it is the same ol same ol...laundry, make the bed, look at the dirty floor and realize that I have to wipe it up again because of the daily spills, plan the errands, look at the screens that need redoing, the cars that need washing, the ironing, and all the rest and then I just give up...like you, I try to keep the house this side of condemned. I have a new saying, my house ( which once was Better Homes and Garden ready for company at any time) is messy enough not to bug me too much and clean enough to be healthy... HOWEVER, with my Valium, rather than taking 1 mg once a day, I have been trying 1 mg in the morning and if I start to feel symptoms, I take another...My RX is for one 2 mg tab once or twice a day as needed....my doc, as I said, mentioned BuSpar but I am not sure...I know if it doesn't work we can quit but.....I hate pills, I am sensitive to drugs ( lordy I would make a terrible drug addict) so I hope things start to swing around for me...I am starting to feel a little more ambition...hope it is not temporary.
Just remember that Valium has a half-life that lasts for 90 days. So when you take 2mg it means that 1mg is still there for 90 days. Over time the buildup can cause problems.
I agree with PrisR*, and I would recommend changing your situation rather than medicate. I think that it is a reasonable thing to do to place a loved one rather than medicate to handle an impossible situation. Some don't want take medications, and I'm one: I already take enough meds. for pain,and our liver and kidneys pay a price. So not everyone does well on medications. A decision to place does not depend entirely on the one cared for; it also depends on the health, well-being and ability of the caregiver. I'm hoping Carosi2* will check in here. I have a couple of friends who were on Valium (it was prescribed freely in the '50's), and I remember how it was for them. I realize this is not a post that is going to cheer you up, but I can only say that if I were in your boots, I'd get out of them. It is more important that you survive than anything else. You've done more than your best. The symptoms you have are warnings to stop putting yourself under so much stress. It's not easy any way you slice it, but you have to take care of yourself first. Then the rest you'll handle.
Has anyone tried alternative remedies to relieve stress? CALM works for a lot of people and I sometimes take a homopathic remedy from Luyties.Best thing that works for my stress and feeling down is to go down to the barn and let my nine cats climb allover me,I know not everyone has nine cats.Each of us has to find something that works for us because we have a long, hard road to travel.
Even though Paul is doing better-I have days that I am so blue-I do not care if I do anything-but as we all know there is never a time we can do nothing with this AD>devil in our homes.PAul can not get out of bed without I go take his cath off and help him out of bed,so I watch the monitor in the mornings and when he begins to stir -I know the day is about to start all over again.I know it sounds bad but I often wish he was a later sleeper! He is not really much trouble to take care of RIGHT NOW-but I just want OUR LIFE BACK or at least MY life. Sorry this sounds so terrible on my part but guess I am just tired!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't mean to scare you, or maybe I did. Let me explain. After returning to college for anther degree, this one in Substance Abuse Counseling, I did three internships and passed the tough state boards to become certified. I then held responsible positions in the field. The hardest people to work with were the older women who were addicted to prescription drugs. "But the dr. prescribed them!" I still remember one woman who, after three weeks in rehab, one day introduced herself in Group by saying, "I'm (her name) and I'm a drug addict." The group cheered.
I have a friend who is on buspar for depression and it has worked for her. I think she is on a time released one and she says as long as she has her coffee in the morning, she is fine. If she misses it she gets very sleepy.
I took the Serenity Formula that someone on here suggested to try. It worked well for the place I was at the time. I have not felt the need for over a year, but if I get down again I will try it first. Plus, when you have no doctor, can't afford one, you take what you can get.
In my case I had to get the symptoms under control with this short course of Valium when the first med did not work.. I see the doctor every two weeks now for management of this and said it is not something I would be on for long term. That is why she mentioned buspar. My Doctor takes care of a lot of ALZ and dementia patients and the caregivers...In my case, if the symptoms were not helped by Valium, then it would be time for referral to a neurologist to rule out anything else.
She also gave me a name of a gal who will go around with me to all the facilities to see what might work for placement, getting on a waiting list etc. just in case something happens and we need a facility sooner than we might imagine.
Guess what! Yesterday was the first day I experienced NO sensory issues!!!!!! I hope this is a good sign and continues. Took my half dose of Valium only once yesterday...
Any feelings that we have we are entitled to. Something has happened in our lives to make us feel this way. Personally I don't need a counsellor or a pill. All I have done is not fret over things or people that I have no control over. That is quite simply it. If I can't change it then I need to choose to deal with it or not deal with it. If it does not impact me directly, I choose to not deal with it and let it go.
Some people are stronger than others, have a better support system and different circumstances. Some of us less strong folks sometimes need help either from a good listening friend, a professional counselor or depending upon our own health history need medical help to cope. Were we all so lucky to be able to manage on our own. And some of us get so worn down it comes to getting some kind of help or we die.
To Linda's point above, I am learning something new that may be what she is talking about..it is called indifference....in my world, people who are indifferent to our situation, people who should care more than they demonstrate, when they do come around and are full of all their news of whatever, painting the house, going to Europe, going skiing etc...I am turning a deaf ear to to what is important to them since what goes on with us is not important enough for them to even send a note or a call...I am quitting with them....They are no longer going to be worth my time or energy..and that includes activities with the kids and grands as well. And to that end. I will likely be seeing my trust attorney and changing things there as well...if we are not worth your time now you are not worthy mine either and furthermore, you are not worthy to inherit anything of mine either. That is my story and I am sticking to it.
so true Mimi. Dado's sisters gave a quick call as it is his birthday today, (64), and I could tell, they could hardly wait to get off the phone, when I started to tell them of his progression they found some excuse to go. Weird. I thought they loved him so much.
And then, his 27 year old adopted grandaughter called, she was so caring and so sweet and kept asking how I was doing too, not just him. She told me how proud she was of me and so surprised that I took time off work to be with him. this, from a girl that is the daughter of Dado's adopted children, the ones that his sisters did not like one iota.
She was the girl, along with her two little boys, that stayed here with Dado when my sister was dying last July.
Some people just DO NOT CARE, and I DO NOT CARE for them anymore.
miss blue I hope things are a bit smoother for you too.
Mimi, I took care of the legal stuff a long time ago. Originally if anything happened to me, everything went to one of his brothers.....the one that won't take Lloyd for a ride anymore because he might pee in his truck.....the one that won't take him for a couple hours because he might have to take him to the bathroom and pull his pants down for him. Nada for him. Everything to my darling Maria who gave up everything to come home so I could quit working and be with Lloyd. And Maria can do with it as she will and share as she wishes. Mimi, you are on the right track. Just do what you need to do and let it go. As long as I like me and know I am doing the best I can (most days)......that is all that matters. Coco has it down. It is as simple as people not caring and you just not caring right back! Key words: "just not". You just don't and it takes no energy or effort or even a thought. Wahoo!
Yes Our legal issues were taken care of too but we can still make changes as things go on or don't..One is not rewarded in heaven ( if you believe in heaven so we are not going into a religious discussion here) without good works and people, family etc are not rewarded just cuz..they have to earn it the old fashioned way..be there in some way to let you know they are more than vultures.