Every Friday morning for the last few months, I've had an appointment with a therapist. Her office is in a lovely park-like setting, so hubby comes along, walks the dog around the small office complex and then waits in the car. Last Friday, I walked out at the usual time and my heart stopped when I saw the empty car. It didn't just look empty--it FELT empty. The doctor and I started looking for him, she went one way, I went the other. I didn't want to take the car in case he came back and wouldn't know where it went. So on foot, I started searching for him. I was literally one minute away from calling the police when my cell rang. It was him but he couldn't tell me where he was or what the address was but he put someone on the phone he had borrowed and they told me how to get to him.
He was over a mile away at a gas station. They had kindly given him water and for some reason, a pocket full of quarters. He was happy to see me and I bundled the dog and hubby up, thanked the gas station attendant profusely, and headed home.
For some months now, I haven't been leaving him at home unless there is someone with him, just in case. He chaffed at this restriction, swearing that he would be just fine by himself, telling me he feels like he is being treated like a baby, or a prisoner, even though I tell him it's just so I won't worry, that he's fine. He's never wandered before or gotten lost so I thought he would be safe in a small, contained, familiar area. He wears a Medic Alert bracelet, but I realize now that because he is so young (57), no one would think to look at it. He has a cell phone, but not that day because he can't remember how to dial it, and because he was a moment away from me. He didn't know the address or phone number of the doctor, because I was just a moment away and I didn't think to give it to him.
I beat myself up over this for some time--the image of him wandering around lost, carrying our little dog--just broke my heart over and over again. I promised him and myself I wouldn't let this happen again. I made myself stop reliving the moment when I got to the empty car and panicked--realizing immediately that I had no idea how to find him. A mother's panic. Old, deep, dark--a child is lost!
He was remarkably cheerful about it all. I made it easy and fun for him when I found him. I called it his "big adventure." We laughed. He said he wanted to show the dog the shops on the next block and took a wrong turn. He couldn't really remember how it happened but that his biggest worry was having to talk to someone. He thought everyone was really nice. He was not traumatized at all. He has lost the capacity to understand when he is in trouble. He is proud he figured out how to get found. And he did! Yes! But we have crossed another line and I have added another level of watchfulness.
The next day he had a fall from the top of the stairs. He wasn't hurt, just scratched and bruised. We're adding railings now. I know I'm supposed to be ahead of the game but I'm still trying to get used to being in the game at all. I don't know the rules and it doesn't matter anyway, as far as I can tell, the rules are different for every person and change all the time. So at least I've replaced the lost images with the falling images. Don't know why, but the falling ones hurt less.
Bunny - glad to hear it had a happy, safe ending. There are many comments on ways to keep them safe. My FIL and SIL were both 'runners'. That is my greatest fear. So far my hb just walks around the park visiting with people while I work. It does concern me that he seems to be more restless and finds the need to get out more. He knows my greatest fear is that he will take off like his dad did. Promises he won't do that to me, but we all know they will loose that ability to rationalize, remember, whatever you want to call it.
Question: does you dog have a chip in it? As long as he keeps the dog with him, he will have his medic alert for them to call you by and the dogs chip if he should loose it.
Do they have Project Lifesaver in your community? If they do, you might want to seriously consider it.
Lloyd was a runner. He would just unlock that door and bolt like a horse out of the gate at the Kentucky Derby! He wasn't headed anywhere, just making a break for freedom. We always found him...called out all available people and looked. Once he even made it about 7 miles to the next town. Once he ran out in the dead of winter with only shoes and a pair of jeans on. Then I had a double keyed deadbolt installed and there is no more running. Such a relief! One less thing to worry about. About a month ago, one of the visiting kids left the front door open and he escaped. He ran, I searched, someone on the next street called the police, police took him to the ER, I called 911, went and got him, came home.....and all in less than an hour. Still too scary for me!!! Gotta set limits and find a way to do it without confrontation. Charlotte, I would love to have a chip put in Lloyd........
Bunny,I know the panic you felt. I never leave DH alone at home,I don't think he would wander but he would let the dog out and she runs like a deer. But last month ,we were at the car dealer to get something checked and DH got impatient and said he was going home(dealer is way out in the country)I figured he would just go out and look at the cars on the lot,as he usually does.But when our car was ready I went out to get him and no Sonny,went in the garage,he wasn't there and then the panic set in . They sent 3 men out to look for him, he was walking up a side road picking things up on the roadside he thought were useful,I was so relieved.I will never let him out of my sight again. They can disappear sp quickly.We live on a rural road,no neighbors in sight but everyone a mile in each direction know about him and keep their eye out in case he would wander.Two weeks ago he let the dog loose and we could not find her anywhere,the whole neighborhoo turned out to look for her,tractors,6 wheelers,bikes. They said it was a good chance to put a plan in action.Oh, she returned 4 hours later whenit got dark. She must have been down in the woods the whole time.Happy ending both times.
yes very scary indeed. many of our spouses have been 'runners', aka leave and bolt when you least expect it. it happend to me several times some here at home til i got dead bolts on bedroom and front doors, and when i was out shopping. once in a large dept store. omg he was sitting outside on a chair while i was in the dressing room 2min! came out he was gone. we found him 30min later on the first floor wandering. it was chaos, panic and the most dreadful feeling so i know exactly how your guilt feels. carry an updated photo in your phone or purse! if they get lost a couple of pics handed out will save lots of time. and after that i ALWAYS had a sticker on his chest with contact cell number and emergency numbers. some folks dont know to check on the id bracelets. easy to spot a sticker on their clothing either front OR back! we have to do what we can to keep them safe. i also know when they say i am leaving how do you stop a grown man? very difficult if you cant convince them verbally. it was a nightmare for me as well. please take precautions sooner than later as so many of us think ours wont leave. well they will if they get a notion of 'home' at any moment. we just never know when it will happen and its a very anxious time if they do. divvi
Bunny, I am so glad that this turned out well. I live in a rural area and for the last few years we have at least 2 deaths a year from AD residents that have gotten lost in the woods.
I can imagine how you felt...Because my hubby has problems walking due to a foot problem, I have not been overly concerned that he will wander off..so far so good...I can still leave him at home while I run errands but I am never gone all day. I take all car keys with me so he can't drive the other car, have the wallets to he can't order anything over TV, etc.
One thing about this disease...There are no rules....every case is different and each sufferer of ALZ will have their own bag of tricks and when they do something we don't expect we are always surprised. Then there is the calm when things are status quo for some time and then we get another surprise...
Don't beat yourself up about this. WE are all getting our lessons learned as we soldier on through this nightmare.
My DW can disappear in a flash, typical of most Alz patients, she is only comfortable walking behind me, never along side or in front. One short lapse on my part and she's gone. The first question is always what does she look like, what is she wearing. In a panicked state of mind the answers are a blank. My solution: Every time we walk out the door, I snap a pic with my phone camera. I've had to use it once, and the result was my wife was located in <5 min in a. 3 acre crowded farmers market. The police transmitted the photo to every officer in the area and she was spotted immediately. She also wears a safe return ID
Bunny, my husband too, was a wanderer. I know the terror. I really loved your comment about being ahead of the game when you still aren't used to being in the game. You are right. The rules seem to be different for everyone and they change constantly. Apparently you have a sense of humour and that will help you greatly. As someone who is no longer in the game, I wish you courage, strength and support for the journey ahead.
Thanks everyone for your comments, suggestions and kind thoughts. I'll put them all to use and hope for the best. It's so scary and sad and desperate but kind of funny in a way, too. Yes, the dog is chipped and tagged, and kind of wish hubby was too. I've been thinking about GPS lately and am going to do some research on what's available for the wanderers and runners. It's strange moving back into this overseer role. I spent decades watching over my son, always knowing where he was, always being available. In fact, it was one of the harder things to let go of when he grew up. Eventually I stopped equating my worrying with his safety. Now I am back in the position of watcher and worrier but it feels unnatural--backwards--and in a way, a bigger responsibility.
Marty what a great idea, taking a picture of DH with my phone. We are going on a big trip to DC next week and I am going to do this. I always put the hotel name and Address in his pocket. The first time I did this he asked me if I was going to. I said yes. Really it was a good idea. He walks behind me also. So I am constantly turning to see that he is still there. I am going to tell him let's hold hands, because I love you. I will see if that works, so he will be beside me. Our 2 girls will be with me, so I will have two more sets of eyes. Last time he went with me, he zombied out. Our daughter lives there, and we are meeting her future in-laws. She really wants him to come. So wish me luck, on the plane and while we are there. We are only staying for a couple days. I did put Family Map on his phone. It will locate them within 1 mile. You have to make sure there phone is on.
What was scary after Lloyd was so advanced was there was no logic to where he would go. In the beginning, he would always head for his mom's house. After he got worse he would go to my son's house 5 blocks away. Lloyd has no tolerance for little kids and my son has 5......who knew. Now he is so bad, I don't think he could find Nick's house if he wanted to.
Bunny, my husband is a runner and would go any chance he gets. Deadbolt locks on all doors leading outside as well as alarms, motion sensors at his bedroom doorway and at the bottom of the stairs, locks and sliding door locks for the sliding doors. Yes, we live in a prison but given the chance DH would (and has) bolt if he got outside. The worst was when he was still driving and got lost for 14 hours and droven over 500 miles. It's scary but you just can't trust them.
Yes, I've been wondering if I should get an alarm for when he gets out of bed at night. So far, he just wanders around the house, but it's always scary when I wake up and he isn't there. Looks like everyone in our house (hubby and dog) would bolt if given the chance ... and I'm kind of wanting to do the same most days! Our poor house is getting a complex :)
I have just moved. In packing I came across the rope of cowbells I always have hung at Christmas. When my husband was in migrating mode, it hung over the bedroom door. I could hear that and be on alert in an instant. Now it will go back to being a winter decoration!
We were sight seeing at dusk at Dead Horse Point in Utah. This is on a high bluff where they filmed Tom Cruise dangling over the Colorado River a 1,000 ft or more below. My DH wandered off while I was all absorbed in taking pictures of the glorious sunset up there! Next thing I know he is gone and no where to be found around the bluff vantage point areas. I caught the only other group of people up there, as it was almost dark, and frantically asked them to help me look for him.
After half and hour he was found far away, off the road and down hill in the terrain of rocks and brush. These four people were so wonderful to bring him up to where I was and did not leave us until we were all buckled in and on our way home. I literally cannot believe myself.
We live in this same part of the state, and read in amazement all the time of people being lost in these areas, freezing to death, or going off without water, or riding their bike off a cliff, and wonder how so many tourists can be so stupid. Now here I am!! ...... AND, I even have helicopters flying right over my house, sometimes daily in the season, taking some poor injured soul to the hospital a few blocks from me.
I more than understand your feelings. In fact I read your words and thought I could have written it. The next day I kept saying the same thing, " he has never done that before, or I thought he would stay right with me!."
My DH, when rescued told me he was looking and looking for me but didn't even know where he was himself. He said, " I wanted to whistle for you but I have lost my whistle."
My DH got lost on a cruise ship. We went to separate restrooms and when I came out, he was not there. I looked in the theater for him, because that is were we had been. Some friends helped me look for him and he finally turned up. That was our last cruise, 3 or 4 years ago. He goes everywhere with me now.
Eeek! Your story gives me chills. I like to take photos every where we go but I'm going to remind myself from now on to make sure he is at my side, not behind me where he usually prefers to be. Funny, my hubby has lost his ability to whistle too. Weird, huh?