If this subject has been used before, I couldn't find it. Anyway, I have been thinking about this post for a couple of weeks. Most of us know that everyone grieves in their own way. You can read about the steps to help grieving in many books or articles. I have often wondered if the people who write about the stages of grieving do it to make money or help people. Because, I really don't believe grieving is healthy or helpful. Who really says you have to go through all those steps they write about? I would like to share with you an experience I had over 45 years ago that I had almost forgotten about until the past couple of weeks when I thought to myself..."Is this all there is? Am I going to be sad, am I going to hate eating alone, going to bed alone the rest of my life?" I didn't like how I was feeling or how I was living. Then I remembered my experience 45 years ago that threw me into a terrible depression and sent me looking for a shrink. He was wonderful and helped me heal in what is probably a very unconventional way, and it worked and it didn't take 2 or 3 years with a shrink or going through 5 or 6 steps...it took just weeks or many a month. So, once again I am applying what he taught me years ago and it is helping me so much. I want to share it with others. This is so simple you will not believe it...but, trust me it works if you apply it. It's not perfect, and you will continue to be sad, but when that happens you will know how to make the sadness go away. This is what you do.
No one can think of two things at a time, at least not for very long. When those sad thoughts come to you just out of the blue and you give into them and feel like you are almost out of control with grief and sadness, this is what you do. YOU FORCE YOURSELF to think of something else. That something else can be so simple and needs to be simple. You look at your drapes and say to yourself..."I need new drapes, I don't like the color of these drapes, what kind of drapes am I going to change to....it is kind of like a conversation with yourself. If you are outside you just look at the grass and say to yourself...I wonder what causes those brown spots in my lawn, or those trees are nice this time of year, those flowers look great, I hate those flowers I'm going to change them in the spring. It doesn't matter what kind of conversation you have with yourself, except make it SIMPLE ...and it has to basically be about THINGS not about people...that takes too much thought power. If you are driving some place you say to yourself...I like the color of that car, or I don't like the color of that car, or look at the wheels on the car...you ladies might be amazed at the number of different wheels there are on cars. I think you get the idea. Trust me on this....just say to yourself...I am NOT going to think about this right now (meaning what is making you sad or unhappy) I'm going to think about the drapes, car wheels, trees, etc. anything to move my thoughts away from something that makes me sad. Then several times a day...just say to yourself...I AM NOT GOING TO BE SAD ANY MORE. Like I just said...trust me on this and you will see how much better you will feel. Good Luck.... You will be really amazed how within a week or two your entire attitude will have changed and how much better you will feel. Right now, I am almost on the brink of having a few "happy times". At least I am not sad all day and most of the night. I keep telling myself I have a life to live, short as it may be, I WANT to be happy. Guess what...once you start this conversation with yourself, it is impossible to continue to keep thinking about what was making you sad.
You are right, Judith. I have applied this over the past two years since my son died. I had to do something to get through that time - and I did just what you suggested above. I still do it today when I have those feelings. It does work. Nights are especially bad for me - and that's when I use it the most. And, then I always fall asleep quickly.
Good for yoou Vickie. I remember when your son died and I felt so sorry for your and your double burden. Another thing I do along the same line I go cyber shopping. I rarely buy anything. But, it keeps my mind off sad things. Sometimes I just look at fabric. I love fabric and I never buy fabric on line. Or I look at pictures I would like to have in my house and I have never bought one of those either and probably never will.
Some will say you are just putting your grief on hold or hiding it. No...you are just getting away from it taking over your life so you can start living.
I am going to try this...I have been so annoyed by people ( read the kids) for what I consider a lack of interest in their dad, not to say they don't care but that they are not as involved as they should be....neglect of a sort....and while miles keep them from visits there is such a thing as telephones and stationary!!!!
So when I find myself ruminating about this I am going to distract myself to something else and just maybe it will help me decompress and ease up the anxiety disorder and symptoms..even when the symptoms appear, you know the buzzies not really tingles and numbness...but symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks, maybe that will help...it is worth the try!!! Will let you know how I make out..
Good for you Mimi....I had many of those same symptoms years ago...and this was such a simple thing to do and it just got me through that huge bump in road. This dr. told me he wanted me to try this simple thing for a couple of weeks before he put me on any medication and see how it would go. Well...I never had to go on medication and I came around to be "normal" and not depressed. Kind of reminds me of "Gone With The Wind"...when Scarlet said something like..."I'll think of that tomorrow".
Good thinking Judith. The anniversary of Gord's death was last Friday. It was a year ago yesterday that we had the funeral. I have gone through the past week, reliving each of those awful days. I have been going for counselling and I think it has helped. I think you have a really good idea there and I will try it.
That's a powerful thing to understand. It works too when we actually are doing or thinking about this thing as you said. I had to understand first that I really do need to help myself and that I want to. Only then does my mind understand to leave me in the thing when I'm doing/thinking about it.
It's also very important I think that we have every foothold available. Something that helps you in the worst moments is worth it's weight in gold. I also agree with you it must not be people because that's too complicated. Good stuff.
And Wolf, you don't even have to do this in your head. You can just start a new conversation with your "me, myself and I" to keep your focus on something more pleasant. I think I am going to go in search of my inner peeps to keep me company. ( I love the raw honesty of your posts)
Although I haven't posted anything for quite a while, I keep reading the helpful and interesting stories here, and wondering if I have anything to contribute. I think the reason I am so attracted to this site is that I can relate to so much of what is posted here, and it gives me the feeling that I'm not alone.
As I'm reading JudithKB's post and all the comments about grieving, I'm thinking that I must be grieving since my dear Helen passed on about two months ago, and I think about her often, especialy when I'm visiting this site. However, I would much rather be grieving like I am right now than be going through those last stages when she was alive. As for the memories of the really bad times, they seem to be so far in the past, and so unreal, it's like a bad dream, and like it never happened. Also I have the crazy nothion that my life has been enriched by it all, and I have to admit it's been a learning experience. Remember now....My take on this may be a little bit effected by my age....91.
I'd like to share a memory from the worst times. She was in the stage of partial incontinance, where I had to dress her, bathe her, ect. She recognized me as two different Georges. Sometimes I was the Real George and sometimes I was the Other George. In the evenings we would sit on the sofa holding hands, watching the TV, and she would ask me things like "What is your name?" and I would tell her "My name is George". Then she would say "You're not George" and I would tell her "I'm the other George" and that would satisfy her. Then sometimes she would ask "Where's George?", and I would say "They called him and he went down to FDS".(FDS was the place he used to work) Sometimes she would ask "Are you married? Do you have a family? Do you have a car?" and I would always give her an appropriate answer that she would be content with. With me playing the part of the Other George, we could spend a fairly nice evening together.
When we were playing around in bed at night, she would say things like "I hope George doesn't find out about us" or "I'm not supposed to be sleeping with you". And sometimes she would tell me about things she and George did together. At times, she would be very hostle and I would have to use force to bathe her, to get her dressed, to get her to sit down and eat, or to get her to sit on the toilet and at those times, I was the Real George. Once she told the Other George that George was mean to her.
Right now, the memories of those times seem not so bad. Sometimes even comical, but I'm sure I didn't think so back then. Anyway, thats my way of grieving.
Maybe somebody can relate to this..........The Other George....
George: I can totally relate to what you are saying. I too feel like my life has been enriched by this total experience. It is rare that I get to say to anyone that would understand, I too would rather be grieving then go through the past couple of years. My dh died Aug. 28, 2012. I think maybe why some of us feel this way is because we already did our grieving for at least several years. They were not the person we loved and married. Both of us assumed different personas. Thank you for your post and come back often and share with us.
George and Judith, If I am being honest, I would have to say the same. The last 6 years were so very difficult. The wandering, the aggression, all of it. I don't know that it has enriched me but I do know that in my volunteer work, I remember to ask the caregivers how they are dealing with their position and to remember to take care of themselves. Also, to value themselves highly for what they are doing.
More than once I have dragged out my old text books and have come across the old DABDA- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. What upsets me most about this is the acceptance, or resolution phase or stage, depending on how you choose to interpret it.
To me these are phases, not stages. More like waves than a graph.
For me, being alone is okay. How my husband suffered in his last years and especially last months is not okay. That is really the souce of my sadness. I feel that so much. It has been difficult since 2004 when the scale tipped from pretty much okay to prety much cognitively impaired.
I like the cognitive approach, or as I was taught "you are what you think". I just don't think that many of those who are grieving will be amenable to that.
My DH passed in May. I don't feel the loss or grief too much. I feel relief that it all finally ended. The past 12 years are like a bad dream to me now. I recall our wonderful life together. We had a glorious time. He was actually gone over 3 yrs ago. I just cared for this 200lb shell of a man that I still adored. Ofcourse he he was oblivious to the world and everthing around him.We talked about watching for a sign years ago, if one of us died. I got my sign last Thursday. I feel we are both where we need to be now. I'm getting out more and hopefully moving on with my life. I wish that for all of you, as well.
Judith, thank you for the great suggestion. I have been reading here for about a year and feel as if I know you. My husband suffered from FTD for about 9 years and died last month. I have been crying for years over our lost romance (we met as teenagers and spent over 40 years together before the disease hit), but his death has brought a different kind of total sadness to me. I can't stop thinking about him and missing him every day. I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything - a sort of numbness has taken hold of me. I will earnestly try what you suggested and hope it helps. Again, thank you and everyone at this site for all the postings over the last year that have greatly helped me.
welcome moon. so sorry to hear your DH passed last month. wish you could have posted earlier as so many can offer help and support during stressful times. but now you will find comfort and support from the ones with * who have also lost thier spouses. losing our soul mates and other half is like losing ourselves sometimes. others will be along to offer you support as well. divvi
I am so sorry Moon to hear of your husband. So glad you found this website as it will surely be a source of support for you as you go through this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I grieve for your loss too Moon, and hope you will post here more. Please take care of yourself.
Thank you JudithKB for that wonderful suggestion. I was using it as I drove home from town the other day, every time awful thoughts crept in, I thought of the lovely flowers on the drive.
Though, when the sadness feels like it needs to happen, it is almost like a balm.
I find that watching DVDs for light entertainment, or movies on my computer helps a lot. I was never a TV watcher, so am doing some catching up now…just watching fun and quirky things that I never saw before, either because I was too busy with work and caring for DH, or because he was the TV watcher in the house, and played the volume way too high for me, so I tended to go to a different room and do something else. I was more of a reader, and still am…I go to the library and get four or five books…when I finish them, I go again. Anyway, the grief and sadness comes in waves, and I don't try to duck it too much. I do think it's important to go through the pain…but I like the respite of watching old episodes of "Castle", or "Star Trek"…or whatever. Learning French is helping, too, as that puts my mind in a completely different place. I do Babbel on my computer and Pimsleur by CDs. In the car I play music that I like…again, puts my mind in a happier place. As others have said,I'm trying to make a push to get out of the house sometimes. On Dec. 27 I visited an old schoolmate from 4th grade, and tomorrow I'm having New Year's dinner at my cousin's house about an hour and a half away. Next month will be Manhattan and the Metropolitan Museum of Art (one of my favorite places in the world) weather permitting. Larry is gone, but he is with me in my heart all the time…I have to try to push forward, and I am sure he would want me to do that, and to make the most of my life and myself.
Elizabeth. Good for you. Everyone has their own way of dealing with their grief and sadness. One of the many reasons this site is so wonderful is that we can all share what has worked for us and lend a hand and suggestion to each other. We are all in different places in our journey. My dh is still physically here and at home but everyone's personal experiences and advice has helped me deal with today and prepare for tomorrow. Every experience of our friends here and the knowledge that comes from that experience is beyond helpful and I will take Vickie's advice the next time I am consumed by my fear that accompanies this dreadful disease.
I had read this thread at the time it was written but had not put it into practice. Now I find JudithKB's suggestions really work. I have been concentrating on the here and now. I am really looking forward to my trip to Florida and the cruise while I am there.
This last week has been hard because of the holidays but now I am going to get back on schedule.
Is there anyone here in the Tampa, St Petersburg or Bradenton area that I could get together with for lunch? Or anywhere on the east coast north of Jupiter FL?
MaryinPA, I'll be in Palmetto (next to Bradenton) visiting my daughter Feb 12-20. I'm not in your situation since my wife is still living with stage 6 AD in a LTC. This gives me the chance to spend some time with my kids.
marsh, I just put my email address in the profile. If you email me maybe we can exchange cell phone numbers and see if there is any chance of getting together. I will be in that area during that time but will also be visiting other friends and relatives.