Last week I toured a LTC facility that caters to dementia patients. Spouses do live together there, but, primarily it is for dementia patients. I was VERY impressed and think that possibly this will be the place for dh. It is just like a big home. The resident's rooms are all on the perimeter of a octagonal floor plan with kitchen, family room/activity room, entrance, etc. in the middle. They have a full-time RN on staff, the director is a RN and all of the staff are Nurse's Aides specially trained in the care of dementia. I loved the people there. I took my two best friends along who know my dh well and, also, one of my friends already has experience with this place with someone else she knows, and it was a thumbs up all the way around. I think this could work.
However, when I discussed this with dh he was adamantly against EVER going into a place like that or any other, for that matter. After all, he's been taking care of himself for 80 years and he can take care of himself now. Really? He doesn't do a damn thing, I do everything. Anyway, I digress. As he isn't even close to needing to be placed (at least I don't think so), I will table that discussion for now; but, I know he will be difficult when he time does come. How have those of you gotten your spouses to agree to placement when the time came?
The choice is not theirs. They don't get to "agree" to anything. They have Alzheimer's Disease - their brains are diseased, and they are incapable of making those types of decisions. There is no discussion to be had. You and the doctor have the discussion and make the decision.
If it were you, would you agree? Not likely. Don't discuss it with him, you're in charge, you make all decisions because he has dementia and is no longer capable of making an informed reasonable decision about anything. When the time comes, you and whoever is helping you--family, friends, doctors, the facility--they will all help you, the facility has been thru this countless times--you make up a scenario, you lie, you play tricks, you do what has to be done. Having said that--I will tell you it is not easy, been there, done that, survived, thankfully with the help and support of our adult children. When alone did I cry and weep and sob until my head and heart were ready to explode? You better believe I did. Did I second guess myself, want to bring him home? You better believe I did. The only option you have is to keep life as calm as possible--keep him out of the decision and any discussion. It's all in your hands dear lady. We will be here to help and guide you, but the decision, the action, is yours, not his.
I never had to face the situation....but, I totally agree with others who post it is not his decision. If I had to make that decision, I would give my husband a good dose of Ativan to keep him calm and make up a fiblet and take him...first I would alert the facility. You could maybe tell him you left something there and you had to go back and get it.
My DH was going to be placed when everything went south. He ended up transferred from the hospital to the NH I had wanted originally, but he didn't wantto stay. My answer, and what I told the staff so they coulkd reinforce it, was, "You need too many lab tests and other chgecks. They can't be done at home. We have to do what the Dr. says."
I always recognized hiis statement, "I don't want to be here." or "Transfer me". or "Gedt me out of here." Responding that I know, but"We have to do. . "
Thank you all for your help and your "tips". I already employ "fiblets" quite often out of necessity. Thank you all for letting me vent on these things and try to be proactive. I'm not the type of person to wait and see how everything "turns out." So, at least putting some things into play and perspective ahead of time gives me great comfort.
Others have been helped with the transition by sedating them enough that there isn't a big scene at the moment. Others have had a son or other family member or friend actually drive them over. I've heard of some who -for whatever reason - were sent to a hospital for a day or so, then they transfer him to the LTC facility from the hospital. It's up for discussion, but I think it's harder on the loving wife/caregiver than it is for the patient., because we're sending away the love of our life. Everyone here has said the truth, he cannot make that decision for himself. He's sick. I know I was the worst at saying," It's going to happen, but not right now... he's not ready!" Maybe someone else can make that decision for you, ... then it might be a little easier. Hang in there! We've got your back!
One trick I read was at the neurologist office the neurologist would say that the patient must move into LTC right now. Then the person would drive his spouse to one. This was all prearranged, earlier someone else drove clothing, etc earlier to the LTC and set up the room.
Our pcp had my DH admitted to the hospital for three days in the cardiac unit (fiblet) Then he was transferred by hospital transport to the NH. Re: the hospital. I told him that the doctor has seen something on his blood work that he wanted to check. Then at the NH I told him it was to get his strength back. (Both fiblets. but they worked)
I'm sure I'll have to employ fiblets to get him wherever he needs to be. I will most likely have rotator cuff surgery sometime in the not too distant future; although, I'm trying to put it off as long as possible, maybe forever? That would be the most opportune time to place him and I think I will have his doctor and his daughters help me with that. Well, maybe not the daughters, they're just not strong when it comes to their daddy - I'm sure they'll leave that all up to me but will support my decision. Boy, do I ever hate all this. I hope when-the time comes, he will be much further down the road cognitively and won't even notice (I know, wishful thinking).
Thank you all for your caring comments and advice. You are a very good family for me.