Mine has been in the nursing home since last Friday. To get away I have had to sneak on a pretended errand. Deciding today that I would level with him about his disease, I told him it was a disease that would not go away, and that they knew how to take better care of him than I could. He appeared to understand that - for a while. I told him he could be content or bitter. The nurses there say he is very sweet and easy to deal with. I have no trouble with white lies when necessary, but he has enough cognition that I thought it might make sense to him. Tonight, after being there with him all afternoon and for supper, He appeared to let me go with less reluctance. Hopefully, it will stay that way. I also read to him from our devotional. He likes that.
I'm glad you had a good day. I think we all have the instinct to be honest with our spouses whenever we can. I guess it's only a problem if the truth is going to make them more upset or agitated than they would be if we skirt these issues. I don't imagine he will retain an awareness that he is impaired, because they often don't, but the big thing, as far as I'm concerned, is to help them be peaceful and content. If your truth strategy worked today, why not?
midwestmn you know your partner best. My DH was still "with it" to a good degree when he required placement. During our entire marriage I always was honest with him. I did my best to continue that during his last years. Often I had to simplify things, but I still kept to the truth. At the same time, if I knew something was going to be a problem, or a problem presented itself--I did my best to play it down; take care of it on the QT. There was no need to have him bothered by "paperwork"--that was my job. Fiblets --oh, that's all done.--worked fine. The one huge fiblet I created was necessary to have him cooperate with arrangements so I could have a 4 day break far out of town. He happened to hear the actual destination mentioned and started winding up. I defused it by telling him I was going to a clinic nearer by (on the way to the real destination). I'd been there before and he accepted the story why they wanted me there. I checked in each day, told a story of what we did that day, and he weathered the event just fine. I needed that respite. It was only since mid 2008 that I had begun getting any regular respite--4 hours a month. Before that there were a handful of single short (couple hour)respite times. That's in all my Caregiving time--24 years. That 4 days was worth every word of the story I told to allow him to handle my being away. Fiblets hurt nothing. They simply make both of our lives easier as the Dementia reduces understanding and comprehension. Again, you know your LO best. Do what is best for him (and you) in handling things.
Not really, I don't think--can't say positively. I knew he had Learning Disabilities, when we married. Not a big issued to me--he just learned differently, and was under-educated in schooling as we generally think of it. He was Dxd with Schizo-Affective Disorder when he had a mental breakdown in March, 1988. That's when my caregiving started as I had to take over control of households finances, his med appointments, etc. He was still pretty functional but there were behaviors...Dr. said to pick my battles. Basically at that point his brain not only had processing problems, comprehension and appropriate response were impaired. I recently came across notes sent to the Dr. in 2004, before an appointment. They were all Dementia behavior issues. He wasn't Dxd until Aug-Sep 2006, and that happened because there was a med issue resulting in a need to change meds. Dr.s decided to determine exactly what needed to be done. NeuroPsych Tests found 2 major Stroke Scars--we had no knowledge of. All at once I was told of Vad, which is terminal, and to be on alert---he could have a major Heart Attack or Stroke at any time. He was starting Stage 5. What took him was Critical Aortic Stenosis--untreatable because of the advanced Vad. Treatment would have been 4-5 hours open heart surgery using the heart/lung machine while they replaced the Aoretic Valve.
I often tell my husband partial truths--I would rather he not worry about a lot both for his happiness and because it hurts to have to discuss something with him and yet feel he is no longer my partner in decisions the way he used to be. But now and then if he wants too much I tell him fairly harshly what his and my limits are. I feel that resets his expectations to a more realistic place and then I can go back to trying to make him happy.
pamsc, you really laid your finger on it when you wrote that you told your partner what his and your limits are. I haven't done that yet in so many words. but I should have tonight before I left and he was having guilt trip laid on me for doing this to him. I've been coming in the afternoon about 2:00 and staying for supper and untill around seven. Maybe I should come earlier in the day when he isn't sundowning yet. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have this group to vent with.
midwestmn, I go & stay about 2 hours. Today I only stayed an hour. Maybe it's a little easier for me because I don't really think my DH realizes that he lives there & that I am not there all the time. The staff says that he asks about me, but like I said I don't think he actually knows that I'm not there all the time. The staff says that he is doing OK. Since he has only been there a little over a week they are still learning his habits. When I leave he is usually dozing. I tell him that I am going to the bathroom & that I will be back “later.” He usually says OK & then tells me to be careful & drive safe. I would rather go early than late, but that's just my preference.
ElaineH, today I went to see him at 11 and left at 3. It was a little easier than last night. He was napping when I left, but he woke up enough for me to ask him if he wanted to go to the coffee get together . He didn't want to , so I left. I think he too doesn't realize where he is or where I go. I got groceries for only myself and that was a strange feeling! I eat there once a day with him for just a pittance, so I kind of get a hot meal once a day - and don't need another one. Hopefully , I can get a grasp on my grazing when I get home. Joe usually tells me to drive safely also.
I am a person who never liked to "play games" with people - I like to have things out in the open, discussed. Unfortunately, my hubby (actually his whole family) tend to ignore the 800 pound gorilla in the room - it's become kind of a family joke - "don't dwell on it, just don't think about it, get over it". This makes being honest with him extremely difficult. I'm learning as I go, feel like I'm walking on eggs a lot. I have told "fiblets" (I like that word!), sometimes I just say what is on my mind. I guess it doesn't matter much because in a couple of hours it all seems to be forgotten anyway.
"Fiblets" are a good and handy thing to make use of. I didn't have to use them tonight when I left at 7:45. He was tired and said that he was going to bed. He's been there a week as of today and just maybe is setteling in a bit . I hope. It's exhausting to be there every day though. I guess I'm not following the thread so I should stop. thanks for your comment, Mim.
midwestmn, it is so very hard, my heart goes out to you ((hugs)) Unless I am ill, I still go every day as well, it does seem to be more exhausting in some ways than when they were home with us doesn't it. It sounds like he has settled in really well, such a blessing! I still feel it strange to shop for one and it's been close to 4 years for us... I don't think somethings we ever get use to....
midwestmn, if you are feeling exhausted, take it as a clear sign that you need to cut back. Every other day would be fine. Maybe 2 days off in a row in a week, for example, visit on Mon. Wed. and Fri. and take the weekend off. In the future, there will be times when you will have to go more often. Problems can arise, and you'll be the one who has to take care of them. So save some energy in reserve. You're probably exhausted from getting him this far, and then on top of that, you've had the stress of placement. In looking back, I see that I did too much and paid for it later. In a nutshell, please be kind and caring of yourself. You are the most important person in his life, not necessarily for daily visits, but to make decisions for him, for you, for the household, for your joint assets. You're not just a care giver (Carosi 2 has a better term for it, but I can't remember what it is right now), but you are the chief executive in charge. That uses up a lot of time and energy.