I'm intimately aware of how all of us feel alone as our spouses fade away from us in dementia.
But we're usually too busy being caregivers to really FEEL the actual physical state of being single until they are placed or passed.
Now that I've had 6 months to try it out (I moved Jeff into his ALF dementia wing in the Spring,)...now that I am not primarily a caregiver, I'm interested in other people's thoughts on this: How long before you started to sort of get used to being alone? Some mornings I wake up, notice I'm by myself, and think "Really? This is what it's going to be like for [x] decades?" (I'm 50...who knows what x equals?) I'm pretty sure I don't like it. Then again, it probably takes way longer than 6 months to adapt, especially after being with a very satisfactory partner for almost 30 years.
My dad died of Parkinson's, and my mom (77) has been a widow since '09. I didn't want to whine without at least getting a read from her on how she feels about it. She says that while she misses my dad very much, she is content alone. She is very busy, active, sees friends often, but she does not mind her own house to herself at the end of the day.
I don't know if I will ever like it, and as I walk through life, observing things that interest, annoy, disturb or delight me, it leaves me with a horrible little pain in my core that I have no one to share these things with--because that, to me, was the joy of a relationship. That you can just be alive with someone else.
So, I'm wondering--do you start to get used to it, and find it ok, to travel, dine, see things on your own? (yes, I do stuff with my kids and others to an extent, but it's not like having that primary person.) When do you get used to it? Does it start to feel ok? Are there techniques to help smooth the transition and ease oneself into comfort with being a lone wolf?
emily I'm traveling the same part of the road you are, sort of. DH went to the hospital in Jan.; from there to NH Jan.30. He passed July 8th. I'd Caregiven him 24+ yers, our Anniversary would have been 38. I had barely gotten reconciled to him being away, when the transfer to the NH meant it was permanent. I was still in the soup dealing with his care and preparing to move--our house was in a Short Sale. When the sale went through, I'd be out, so this couldn't wait. Found an accessibkle, subsidized apartment and moved Mar. 1. At this point, I was adjusting to him being placed away from me and me beiing in a white and gray apartment(much smaller than the house we'd been in for 29 years). Acting on my initial instincts I have stayed busy, but not pushed myself. I'm getting 5-7 hours sleep most nights (up from average of 4). Slowly I have been making the apartment mine with decor that's mine. Back in March I bought season tickets to our Symphony Pops concerts--never gone before--and I can take a guest. After DH passed, it's taken me a while, but I have found out about a couple Senior Centers to check out, and Senior Learning progreams available as well. I''m catching up on my wellness checkups as well. This recovery and adjustmewnt is going to take time. I have plans to outreach, to explore the world that was closed to me for so long. It's scary to start again. And it's lonely. Eventually I expect it to get better as connections are made. Until then it will be okay to do things on my own, because not to is not living. I did it before I met DH, I can do it again. IMHO having a companion to share the events with is better, but won't happen if I'm not available. A key answer to your question is "TIME". That and effort, and patience. Together they are working for me. Do something beyond routine at least once or twice a week. Don't push yourself too hard, but don't hibernate either. Allow yourself to have fun, to laugh. Allow yourself all your feelings. There is no magic fix.
It's been over two years that Bill died-but I was alone or worse for many many many years before that. Of course I would like to have our life back-but that is not to be. I am a tad over 20 years older than Em so I am satisfied to finish my life alone. I don't care to label my activities as busy work because I think I am making a difference in my community. I work with hospice, do visiting clergy visits for my temple, tutor two groups of kids in school, am active on web sites that interest me and have a fairly large group of friends-all women. At my computer club several men have approached me-but I always have the feeling that they know I am an RN and are looking for a future care giver-ain't gonna happen-no way. Then the gloom moves in again. How nice it would be to have some one to share the victory of completing the NY Times puzzle. Some one to help with home repairs, help make decisions, take me out for dinner and a show. These are all things I now do alone. My kids are great and I vacation with them several times a year. Em-I really have no answer for you. We all come from different places so there is no answer that fits all. At the end of the day Gracie and I do enjoy our quiet glass of wine and some peace together.
Did you read my mind? I swear this is what I have been thinking about for the last week.It was going to be my next blog. You wrote it for me. Thank you.
Sid is still home with me, but of course, as we all know, not the Sid I married and shared a life with. I have been having all sorts of mixed feelings about what comes after he is placed or dies. Some positives to being free to do as one pleases, but then I think about missing the joy and comfort of having someone I love to "share the victory of completing the NY Times puzzle", as Bluedaze noted. Or holding my hand in the doctor's office. Pillow talk. Cuddling. Passion. Silly things like making a salad together. Laughing over the same private joke for years. I miss that terribly, and, as I said, Sid is still here with me - his body is here. His mind and personality are no longer with me.
It's a tough question you pose, and I imagine there are as many answers as there are people.
I don't do well with a huge mixture of conflicting emotions, and that is what this is. I don't like it.
Living life without the person you love, have loved and devoted yourself to is a major game changer. The method will be your own and you will decide how to proceed. Dealing with the grieving process and then dealing with the new life as it will be. It must be particularly more painful to be caught between to worlds. This side of the world is no fun, not easy and down right heartbreaking. I don't like it without my husband but here I must be. Like you Emily being in my 50's (mine being later 50's) I think it's a long time alone. I remind myself I like me and don't mind my own company :) so that's good. So life will be paying the single surcharge to travel and not waiting on others to define what makes me happy. What made me happy is gone and acceptance of that will keep me moving forward to what ever maybe over the horizon. Brother and Uncle moving in next month so things are always changing.
I think how someone feels about our spouses being gone one way or another is different depending mostly on your age. If you are in your 50s you got a whole lot of living to do yet. But, like me, I am in my late 70s and I have no intention of having any type of relationship with any man. And, I am content with that decision.
My dh for months maybe a year even wasn't much company. He couldn't carry on a conversation or suggest where we go eat and when we got to some place to have a nice dinner he couldn't carry on a conversation. The man I feel in love with was gone for months. I adjusted to that while it was happening so I don't find life alone so terrible...in fact, I kind of like it. I get to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I get to go "girl" shopping without my dh and don't have to hurry like I had to do for months. I have bought a new couch and chair and I am changing the decor in my living room because the other furniture depressed me as I would keep remembering him sitting in the chair or sleeping on the couch. And, I certainly don't miss trying to do something with the constant interruption that went on for years while I was a caregiver.
I am really amazed at how much I have on my list to do and it looks like I will be busy until after the first of the year. Without a doubt, it isn't easy and I do miss him so....but, I try and change the subject in my head if I get to caught in missing him. Gardening is always good for that.
No, I don't have a method. I haven't figured it out yet.
2011 was the lost year. The year H became fully disabled. This year he went, starting in late April, to approximately two weeks in the hospital, two weeks in rehab, two weeks in an alf and then died unexpectedly, well before hospice estimations.
I spent a lot of time planning for each of these phases and none went according to plan. When he was home and delcining I thought I would be more free if he was anywhere else and then when that did happen, there was no freedom, just another set of fears and worries.
Starting in late August I experienced a health scare that is still not really resolved. Then, as the last few months have passed the financial situation has not been kind. I tell myself that when (if)these things are resolved I will be "ready".
Ready for what? I am a couple of years older than you are, Emily. After college I moved to NYC, worked, and put myself through grad school. I lived alone and sacrificed space for privacy. Of course I was much younger and had much more energy.
Most importantly, I had a future than seemed to have no limits. Not in terms of wealth or success, but just the sense that things could happen; that good things were going to happen.
I very much like living alone (with companion animals); I could not live without them. I realize that some of this is the reaction to the stress of living with H, especially since 2008 when the ftd took over. But I do want to process what it is about living alone that is so important to me. I am an introvert (I think we once communicated here that we are INFJ's) and an only child who grew up in an environment that made emotional self-sufficiency necessary.
Going out, and travelling is not in my immediate future. I subscribe to "Journeywoman" but know that I am not there and don't know if I ever will be.
Then again, I see couples, usually in a place like Trader Joe's and they are laughing and just have this sense of enthusiasm for life and for each other and I feel envy. I think about it and wonder if I feel cheated, or just tired.
And on the third side of the coin I think well, if I really wanted a man, a relationship, where is he? where is he going to come from? And then what might happen?
Yes Abby--we are both INFJs. And isn't that true about the future feeling full of promise when you're young? All true, all true...it sure does bite when you see couples enjoying each other, although like most of us I've been feeling that envy for years--long before placing Jeff. But I don't seem to like living alone. I don't want a party going on, and I don't like the stress of having to be outgoing and meet new people, except in measured doses, but I do seem to prefer the presence of other humans with whom I'm already comfortable to solitude. (of course there need to be critters also.) Maybe a small cottage on the grounds of a communal village. Yes, that's it. Gonna have to look into that.
My sweetheart passed away in May. It is tough to get used to. My caregiving lasted nearly 12 years. DH was gone for 3 or 4yrs. It was the big warm shell of a man that I was caring for. For all that, it was still my other half. I'm 76 yrs old. I still think there is more life out there for me. Right now I'm making small changes. I colored my hair. That was a real lift. I live in an adult community in Florida. I have many friends and there are always something available to do. I so miss him and sometimes give myself a little pity party. If a gentleman invites me for coffee, I may go. The thought of it feels funny, but I can do anything I please, now. I enjoy my own company and space but I'm not afraid to expand my horizons. He would have carried on. In fact he would probably be married by now. He hated to be alone. I try to remember the good times. I write them in my little notebook when I think of them. It reminds me that life was good once. Sometimes it gives me a few laughs. Everyone manuevers this time in their own way. TIME is the real answer.
I am in my 50s also and as my DH went downhill fast its been taking me a while to adjust. After a full year of holidays and our 25th anniversary, more or less solo, I am starting to come out of it. I am doing things I never would have thought of 1 1/2 years ago. Basically I'm trying to develop a bucket list to keep life interesting. And like you, having critters around has helped me alot!
I am coming up on 3 years of being a widow and still don’t have an answer. Not sure there is an answer. At this point in my life – I am not sure I want to remarry again. I have gone from my Father’s home to my Husbands home at the young age of 17 he 19 and we were just kids growing up together. Now I am an adult with years of experience and hang-ups and preferences etc. and adapting to another’s baggage along with mine somehow seems like a humongous undertaking. We all have baggage and there are many horror stories on this site about step-children in addition to the ones I am familiar with where I live.
I am enjoying my life now as a single – not that I don’t miss having a partner – but a new partner is not going to be the same as my old partner. I am not sure I am up to the adjustment. Adjustment is easy when we are young and not so easy as we age. I think we all still dream of “Our knight in shinning armor” coming along and carrying us along to his castle to live happily ever after, perhaps the way it happened when we married the first time. It isn’t going to happen. I look at life as in phases. For us it would be a. home as a child, b. going to College/work years as a single, c. married and raising a family, d. our spouse going back to childhood with dementia and e. being single again. I skipped the b stage because I did neither College or work before marriage.
For those of you considering Marriage – read the book The Tiger Woods Syndrome. The book is more than Tiger Woods – it will wake you up a bit about situations you may find yourself sometime. Either men or women.
For now, I would welcome an interesting, intelligent man in my life to go to a show, dinner or possibly even travel a bit. Not in a big hurry. I am keeping busy with volunteering and Faciliating a Dementia support group. Good Luck and keep busy.
Thanks Lois...I think trying to stay busy is important. Best therapy I've come up with so far. Hasn't COMPLETELY kept me sane, as I think that was sort of the chemistry effect of having Jeff's presence in my life--to help me stay stable, but activity is better than curling up into a useless ball.
Solo is good if that is what you want. I guess I was not willing to live alone. Yes there are major adjustments to having someone in your life again. The question becomes which is more important to you. Nothing worth while is easy, there is a life after and you get to pick what you want it to be. Choose wisely
For me, this last 14 mos. since Steve's placement has been a tremendous relief and a time of happiness. Yes, I am sad that he's no longer living with me, but I'm confident that he's being well cared for. To answer Emily's original question, it did not take me long to get used to living alone. (Essentially, he has not "been here" for years anyway.) The overwhelming gratitude for regaining some freedom and control over my life has been something that I think I will never take for granted. I have had 7 years of caregiving, putting my needs on the back burner, to make up for. I've joined two women's organizations, traveled, increased my exercise, am doing more social things with friends, and most importantly--being good to myself. Like Lois, I am still facilitating a support group and doing AD advocacy activities. For the first time, I actually feel like I'm enjoying my retirement, because I'm no longer taking care of my parents or doing the hands-on care for Steve. It helps that he's been on a plateau since placement--I know things will change in the future, but for now, I'm riding the wave.
After my DW passed I too felt very empty and the home we had built together felt like and albatross around my neck. She was who made it a home and now it was just an empty place full of memories. Everywhere I looked I would see her and think of what I had lost and I was slowly going crazy with loss. Even though my daughter and two granddaughters had lived with us for the last two years before her passing, it was still empty and I could not adjust. So I prayed and then took it upon myself to change my life and move forward. I was in search of a new life partner and because I had only dated my wife, I had no experience with other females. I did not know what I was looking for but I knew what I did not want and I also know that when that special woman came along I would know. After a few misses, and almost a year of searching I found my new life partner. The key for me was that She found me and now wants to share a future with me. We have been together for three months now and are adjusting to each other very well. The old saying that the right one is there, you just have to be patient and it will happen when your ready for it to happen. May God bless you all and have faith that your dreams will be fulfilled when you are ready for them to be. Your future is yours to make as you want it to be just trust in yourself and pray a lot in faith.
I've been commuting once a week for a Tuesday night class in Washington DC. It's just over an hour from my home, so to avoid the worst of the rush hour traffic around the city I go early, walk around the shopping district and get dinner before my 7:30 class. (I can, for example, buy cupcakes at the original Georgetown Cupcakes--from TLC's "DC Cupcakes" show. Not for dinner. You take them home for later.)
Anyway, last time I saw an Irish pub and had a hankering for fish & chips. But, instead, I went to a little fast-casual Vietnamese Pho place, mainly because I just didn't feel like dealing with the awkwardness of doing the whole "sit down and get waited on" restaurant thing as a solo diner. (The pho was delicious though.) Sometimes you just don't feel like doing things that highlight your aloneness. The time before, I ate empanadas (also excellent) at a little fast-casual empanada joint, and went to post about it, via smartphone, on Facebook. (Yes, I'm like that. It makes me feel less alone.) Anyway, the first thing Facebook asks is "Who are you with?" I refrained from typing "I'm not WITH anyone, d*mm*t! Sometimes people aren't WITH anyone!"
Yes, well...time and its healing properties. I will get the fish & chips sometime in the remaining 5 weeks of class. I think I've been feeling worse than usual because I had been playing with the idea of getting to know a particular man (whom I'd known peripherally for years,)--you know, sometimes the thought of someone infiltrates your head uninvited, just because you really want someone to talk to, and I was having trouble shaking the idea of this particular person out. He wouldn't go. The idea was just kind of stuck there...then, he died. Like, bam, apparent heart attack, gone at 56. I found out by email, and just sat and stared at the computer thinking about how it's rare enough that I ever found one wonderful long-time partner...now that this other option has been nixed, I'd probably better get used to liking aloneness. So, that's where I am right now. Hoping that, like some of you, I will grow to like it fine.
oh, Em, so sorry about that experience. That is a tough one. I know what you mean about the "dining out alone". I do the same thing. In and out or even drive-through works best for me because you have no one to talk to while enjoying your meal. I don't know that we will ever "like it fine" but sometimes we just eventually "get used to it". Or so, they tell me....life is full of changes....I love travel and I know you do too..you will be fine and I will be fine..life is wonderful...
emily what a shocking thing to happen, and I can actually FEEL how I think you felt before he died, that just wanting to have someone to talk to, trying to do the right thing, hoping your feelings are as they should be. I am so sorry what a shock.
I too love fish and chips, I am from the West Coast of Canada and my Dad was a commercial fisherman. Mom used to make them with fresh spuds and fresh halibut..
Emily, interesting topic, one that I have recently had with some of my friends and family. Firstly, I think it is very different thing, having one’s spouse in a facility versus them having passed away. I am not talking about the morals or values either, it is just plain different trying to have these thoughts while ones spouse is still living.
For me, there isn’t one thought in my head about finding anyone else. It will be 4 years in February since Lynn hasn’t lived at home. I have been asked out by men and in truth it does nothing but piss me off. My sister understands exactly why I would never go out with anyone, but thinks I should still find it flattering. Flattering? My husband is still very much alive, so no, I don’t find it flattering in the least. I find it blatantly disrespectful to Lynn and offensive to me. I am not saying everyone need feel that way or that anyone else would or should, but it is how I feel and should be respected.
I am 45, not a prude, I am just still very much in love with my husband. As most of you know we have been blessed with Lynn’s response to Marinol. He went from a semi vegetative state to once again being able to talk, read, express himself etc etc…. It is of course not what it once was, but I feel so very blessed to have these parts of “My Lynn” back!!! There just are not adequate words to describe how grateful I am to once again hear and feel my husbands love.
I don’t live alone, my sister, her boyfriend and two children live with me. So I don’t have to deal with the completely alone feeling some of you do. I have never lived alone in my life. I have a large, very close family. I will never be alone. Though, as we know, even surrounded by people we can feel alone… I still have those feelings almost daily.
I very much miss the life I had with Lynn. He was the love of my life, my soul mate. I honestly don’t think that can happen twice in ones life. I think lmohr* said it best….“not that I don’t miss having a partner – but a new partner is not going to be the same as my old partner. ………..I think we all still dream of “Our knight in shinning armor” coming along and carrying us along to his castle to live happily ever after, perhaps the way it happened when we married the first time. It isn’t going to happen.”
It did happen once, I had that life with Lynn. I know I could never love another as I have and do love Lynn. It isn’t possible.
Could I possibly care for someone on a lesser level, possibly. But would I even want to? I think so many times people get in relationships too soon, and in all honesty, I think perhaps a lot of the love they feel for their new partner is in fact “transference” feeling from their spouse. I am not saying it Always happens, but I have seen it happen time and time again.
I try not to be consumed in what we have lost, and will continue to lose, and instead feel blessed for all the wonderful, amazing time we did have, for the deep love we shared. I could have a number of decades alone too… For now I don’t often think on it. I still have my daily visits with Lynn, they are the highlight of my day, my life. I plan to take one day at a time and treasure the time we still have together.
Emily, I have trouble eating out in a restaurant alone too. I don’t often get the chance to do it as I go out mostly with my family. Last week I was craving Chinese food, for the first time I went by myself. It was odd!! But I felt a bit empowered doing it too.
I too really like what you said bluedaze* . I found my time curled up in my protective ball peaceful and healing.
Nikki and others who have daily contact with extended family--this has to make a huge difference in how less "alone" you feel day-to-day. I would think that most of us aren't lucky enough to live that lifestyle, which isn't the norm in today's world.
Nikki, the transference phenomenon is something I've thought about. I guess it's not really a problem, unless one chooses the wrong individual to transfer those emotions to :)
I've thought about that too. (the transference.) Which is why, in part, I figure it's a good exercise to experience and adapt to being solo for a decent stretch of time before contemplating relationships. But I'm not even really counting on relationships, nor did I mean to say that was a goal. Rather, I recognize the relatively poor odds of that serendipitously occurring, so my real goal is learning or growing to be content single.
Marilyn, yes, extended family definitely helps. I benefit from that. Not necessarily here in the house with me at any given time, but around and about.
I do have a method. I am now my own genuinely interested and caring caregiver.
Well put Marilyn,
"For me, this last 14 mos. since Steve's placement has been a tremendous relief and a time of happiness. Yes, I am sad that he's no longer living with me, but I'm confident that he's being well cared for. To answer Emily's original question, it did not take me long to get used to living alone. (Essentially, he has not "been here" for years anyway.) The overwhelming gratitude for regaining some freedom and control over my life has been something that I think I will never take for granted. I have had 7 years of caregiving, putting my needs on the back burner, to make up for. I've joined two women's organizations, traveled, increased my exercise, am doing more social things with friends, and most importantly--being good to myself." (from above)
I agree "extended family" around is very helpful. Well, that is, if you have a good relationship with extend family, which I do and am very grateful. My 2 daughters live very close to me but not in the same house. I think those of us who had a good marriage as a model find it harder to adjust to being single than those who are/were in a difficult marriage. Being in a difficult marriage would be worse for me than being single. I cannot imagine those of you on Joan's who are caregiving someone without a good and loving relationship.