My sweetheart is in the home and it's the loneliest night in my life to be here without him tonight. Two sons and I took him there on Friday. He's so innocent. He wonders when we're going home. I almost feel like taking him home, but the sons tell me that it's time now for me to have a life. It's so boring there, although they will have activities during the weekdays. The nurses told me that he roamed the halls looking for me last night. It makes my heart bleed. He's very non aggressive. and I pray he will stay that way!
My thoughts go out to you. Of course your heart is hurting! You have made the hardest of decisions. Please allow yourself and him this adjustment time. Surely it will take more time for you, but the decision wasn't made overnight either. Hugs to you during this trying time.
Yes hang on midwestmn, oh how I hope it eases up for you soon. So many are suffering with sadness over placement, our Julia in Australia is one that comes to mind. Hopefully he will get used to it soon. Prayers going up for you here too.
Oh midwestmn, I feel your pain. It's been a week since I placed my DH. I didn't go to see him for 3 days, because my kids went to see him. On the 4th day when I went there he looked at me with a sad surprised look & said, “Oh I have missed you so much.” We had a nice visit & even danced. I have been there everyday since & he is adjusting, although he is having some issues. He doesn't know where his room is (he has no sense of direction) consequently he doesn't know where his bathroom is so he has had few “accidents”. I always had to show him where our bathroom is (& we – I mean I – live in a small house) They are supposed to ask them every so often if they have to go to the bathroom, but again, does he even know what that means? Yesterday I helped give him a shower. I don't mind doing that. I look at it as me helping my husband. It is lonely in the house by myself, but for almost the past year we have not had any real conversation because he usually didn't understand what I was trying to tell him & it was too frustrating for both of us for me to keep trying to explain to him. I was there at lunch time on Thursday but I won't go back during mealtime again. He didn't like what they served. He ate some of it, but he was agitated & then they brought him a hot dog (which is what he wanted) but it was too late. He ate some of it, but he was upset. He has only asked to go home maybe 3 times, but again, he doesn't know where home is. I stay for maybe 2 hours & when he starts dozing off I leave. You will have to find your own routine. It is so heartbreaking, but I am desperately trying to adjust. I try not to think of him sitting there alone staring off into space – THAT makes me sad.
If I can offer any comfort, it's that it seems that Jeff began relying on and finding a comforting presence in several of the regular caregivers. Even though I am there daily, his cognitive faculties are so diminished that he usually barely registers my presence. I observe that when he's in his usual mode of just hanging around the kitchen area, he seems as content with them as he had seemed with me over the past year. I think if the staff is caring, your husband may begin to feel that he is with people who make him feel secure.
Well, you know Nora--we know that we have to move on. My clinging to his "needing" me isn't helping him live out his days contentedly, nor does it help me to do so, because we all know--their time is limited, and we HAVE to find other reasons to get up and breathe every day. So, I hope that my involvement continues, at some level, to instill him with a sense of being cared for, and continuity, and I am glad that he can be content as I attempt to live the solo life I'm going to end up with anyway. I think it's a good thing.
Midwestern, Elaine & others - Been there, done that, survived. As said, 'what's done is done.' I do not mean to be cavalier in any way, it's a tragic turn on every level, but they usually adjust and my DH not only showed great affection to the caregivers there, both male & female, it eased my heart a bit to know that he was feeling comfort and cared for. He even had a girlfriend, and I know it is hard to believe, but I was glad for him. They have so little in life, it never hurt me that he had some personal attention, he deserved it, he was such a good man. It is we, the caregivers, who really have to find a new life, usually alone. We are programmed to survive, like it or not. Allow new things and new people to enter your life, don't shut anything out. You don't know what new adventures may come your way. But you can't just sit around and wait for the phone to ring. It will take a while to reach that point, you may have to reach out, but don't let it pass you by.
I just got back from quite a long stint there. The staff says that he is cooperative and peaceful. but it is painful with him wanting me to pack up and take him with me - which I knew would happen.. He would like to go for a ride, but I don't think that would be such a good idea right now. The staff appears to be quite caring. I have been there at lunchtime for 3 days and I know why you would prefer not to be there, ElaineH. It will be another learning experience - which life seems to be series of. Thanks you all for your thoughts.