My dh has a long history of agitation, aggression and yes, violence mostly towards me. I have been living this hell for 4 years since dx and personal assaults/violence for at least 2 years before that. I am tired of it all...he's been in 2psychiatric hospitals, been to the best geripsychs in our area and even tho he's on meds, he's still a problem. Due to my physical limitations, we are not able to go to the two metropolitan areas which MIGHT be successful in treating him.
Despite all the consultations about his inability to sleep and the high doses of meds, he does not sleep thru the night. Problematic because we are back to possibly needing 2 aides which I cannot afford.
I am tired of seeking out the best possible treatments/doctors and still having to deal with all the same problems. Nothing seems to work. Every day he is a predator-takes my drinks, food, aggressively takes my transport chair wherever he wants me to go, threatens the dog and the aide, etc. If I put him in a facility I cannot visit daily or even as much as I think a responsible spouse should. Tonight I can honestly say I hate him.
LFL sounds as though your rope is getting shorter. some of us have to make that very very hard decision to place them even if we know it may be earlier than what we would have liked. our own sanity is at stake as well. if hes violent, your choices are getting slimmer friend. take care of you first. he will adjust to whatever in time. some find they can go ahead and place in a more distant facility and when a space closer comes available move them. divvi
Oh divvi, thanks we can all count on you. Yes, my rope becomes shorter every day. He's not violent but aggressive and god knows he's on a lot of meds to control the aggression. I just cannot deal with the constant trying to control me and my life. Right now I'm luckier than many-his LTC still pays a portion of his home health aide so he is still able to be at home. But after all these years I just don't understand why the doctors can't get him under control. And I am tired of being the target of his aggression. He was the kindest man I ever met when we dated and then married.
While it is a good resource to have LTC , it is not the solution if you are in fear for yourself and your dog.
When H was transported to a facility I realized I could not visit him daily. I mean practically I could but it did not do anything positive for him. Instead he was increasingly agitated and on more than one occassion asked me to leave- he also did ths at alf.
My H was a wonderful and different man before FTD. Unfortunately the operative word is "was".
Please, LFL, of couse you are tired; I imagine you are more than tired.
I can't speak from wisdom. If external circumstances had not brought H to be transported from home to hospital to rehab to alf he might still be here.
Threatening the dog is a bright red light to me. One of the most fearful aspects for me on this journey was H's behavior with the cats. I think it says a great deal.
Dementia cuts a wide and unforgiving path. You are a wonderful person- save yourself.
LFL, you are getting worn down. If you end up in the hospital or dying you will not be able to care for your husband. If you are so worn out even with a home health aide you should seriously consider placement. I might know how you feel, I work and when I come home, and on week ends, L can wear me down, and she doesn't have your husband's aggressiveness.
No doctor is going to cure the dementia. Some sufferers have impossible to treat symptoms.
"If I put him in a facility I cannot visit daily or even as much as I think a responsible spouse should."
Do not act on the expectations of others. If he is in a facility why would you have to visit him every day? You can do only what you can do. It doesn't sound like you would abandon him. I know at least one person who ended up having her husband in a facility in one state and lives in another. That wasn't the plan, he is in an excellent facility, and that is how things worked out. I've heard from a number of people that they have learned to like/love their spouse again after placement, that the release of the daily strain allowed them to feel like a spouse again.
I'm not urging you to do one thing or another. I just don't want you to be hampered by "shoulds."
Thanks to all of you for your wise words and advice. Yes, like most others on this site, I am stressed, even with a ft caregiver in the house. What I truly need is some time away from him and for myself. It is always diffiult when the ft aide is away (he's been on vacation 3 weeks and will be for another week). DH always seems to act up with the replacement. I think some of it's control but some is also fear.
Well I discovered the reason for his restlessness last evening-he had apparently had a bowel movement in his pants and couldn't tell us what was wrong until we smelled him. He is not incontinent but I've learned he also cannot understand when he has to sit down on the toilet.
Today is a new day and hopefully will be much better. Paul, I just keep thinking that the professionals should be able to manage his symptoms, but as you say, in some cases they are not successful. I keep wishing he was one of those people who was calm, kind and easy to manage.
Sounds like placement is the thing to do. You don't have to visit everyday. I went three times a week. Sure, you may feel guilty at first but in the long run, it's going to be better for both of you. And the dog.
I have begun to plan on what conditions would constitute "crossing the line" and dictate that placement would be reality. Reading your post made me realize how much worse it could become. Perhaps because I'm a husband caring for my wife this terrorizing, bullying behavior has never been a consideration. I can't conceive of choosing to continue living a life of fear and intimidation I would assume with LTC this is not a necessarily a choice dictated by financial consideration. You have gone way above and beyond any reasonable person's perception of the job description. When the torment has descended to the defenseless pets, and you make excuses for his behavior ( a BM in his pants) I'm no psych. but you're sounding too much like a victim of abuse. Six years of this life to too much for anyone to cope with. I'm sure your MD's have tried, but there are only so many weapons in the armory. This disease in Incurable and many times the symptoms don't respond to any med. It's time to save and reassemble yourself while you still can
LFL--I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner--just saw this thread. I am worried about you. This sounds like things are escalating and something new needs to be done. Please don't wait for a catastrophic event to occur before you take action. Call me if I can help. I'm thinking you know that Hopkins has an FTD Clinic, but thought I'd mention it.
Marilyn, thanks for the offer and the info-I didn't know that Hopkins has an FTD clinic. Apparently there's also a FTD clinic at UPenn in Philadelphia, but it's jsut so hard for me to get around easily in cities. Things have calmed down quite alot since I wrote this post (not making excuses or in denial) and thanks to the Lorazepam he's under better control. Actually this behavior change is coincident with the increase in the Trazodone at night; literature says it can cause aggression/agitation. Thankfully we have his drs appt in a few days.
Johns Hopkins also has experts that aren't part of the clinic. We see Dr. Hillis in neurology debt and she is great. She used to be a speech therapist which makes a difference.