I have a torn rotator cuff that is very painful. I previously had surgery planned for September 25, just a couple weeks ago. However, I somehow contracted Sepsis (blood poisoning) prior to surgery and spent all of last month fighting it off. When I got home, my friends had kicked into high gear and had all of my care, food, etc. all worked out and were caring for me. DH had a total meltdown, got very aggressive with my best friend and basically threw out all of my caregivers. I was half dead and really couldn't do much about it. What this event taught me is that I need to plan much better for the surgery next time, knowing that he will not allow anyone to come in here to help me with him here AND he is absolutely no help at all, quite the contrary (I'm sure you all can relate).
So, I'm contemplating how to accomplish my objectives - get the surgery without dh losing it and doing me more harm. I've thought of placing him in an ALF while I recover, but know that he will resist that. So, as I too will be needing help recuperating, I was wondering about the advisability of both of us going into the ALF while I recover?? There is a lovely Adult Family Home near our house that I thought would work out well, but they are not set up for Respite Care, but are a possibility for the future. So, advice from my seasoned pals here; I will so appreciate your expertise. Thank you all.
mothert-in these tough times the facility you are considering might have empty beds and be willing to provide respite. What worries me is what could happen if your husband goes ballistic and they can't keep him.
As you know, I had rotator cuff surgery last year. The good thing about it is that the drugs will make you not care what is going on (LOL). Seriously, based on my experience with that surgery, this is my advice.
This is not an easy recovery, and it will be impossible if you have to deal with your husband. After my sister went home from 10 days of taking care of me, I got sick, and Sid and I were alone together for TWO days before my caregiver could come. I swear I almost died. It was horrible. I was throwing up, had a fever, and could barely move. Sid was walking better than he is now, but still terrible. He was confused, agitated, upset, worried about me. Bluedaze* stepped in and did some errands for me. Ask her - she'll tell you what I looked like. It wasn't a pretty sight.
1. Resistance or not, the best place for your husband is a respite facility AWAY from you.
2. If your insurance allows it, I would advise you to go to a rehab. facility for however long they pay for it. If they won't pay for that, hire someone to come into your house and take care of you. The woman I had was incredible. She showered and dressed me, made my breakfast, cleaned up, grocery shopped, did laundry, and she managed all of it in less than 4 hours a day, 3 days a week. I was not able to afford her services, but a very dear friend of mine paid for it.
3. I would not be so quick to bring your husband home until you were up to par. It could be as long as a month. Depends on how extensive the surgery. It's months of therapy after that, but well worth it. My shoulder is great now, and it was shredded before the surgery. And I had a huge bicep tear also.
4. I would not advise both of you being in an ALF while you recover because they would put you in the same room, and that would be much too stressful for you. Even being in the same place, and NOT in the same room, you would be worried about and focused on him. Not a good idea, believe me. You will need to concentrate on YOU.
This advice comes from my own experience, but you have to do what you think is best.
Thank you, Joan, I knew I would get good advice from you. I will look into a facility for dh and I would prefer to stay home; however, in a rehab facility, they will also do PT on me, I think (I'll have to check that out). We have a friend whose wife was in a Rehab facility and he had to have a knee replacement and went in there for a couple weeks and got PT while there - he, too, refused to be roomed with his wife (since deceased). Bluedaze, I don't honestly know what would happen if dh were to go ballistic in a facility. The one I have in mind is a "lockdown" facility that can deal with medical issues, etc. It's a very nice facility that looks like individual units, but is in fact, a ALF for dementia patients (and others). I'm just not sure how to get dh to go. I think I'll have to enlist the help of his doctor again; he was wonderful with the drinking issue when we went in after my hospital stay. I emailed him and told him that I needed his support on dh not drinking and I got it. He allows dh one beer/night and, so far, dh has been compliant with that edict from his doctor.
Back to you, Joan; this whole hospital experience for me has taught me that Plan B means "when I go down, then what?". Really woke my kids up, and me.
Sounds like a good plan is forming. One big decision whether or not to tell your hb ahead of time, or take him there immediately after seeing his doctor. I am sure someone will have some good advice for you.
Talk with the facility about how they would handle your husband going ballistic. Say that you would not be able to take him back early due to your medical issues. They might want a list of drugs they may use to help sedate him. Ask how they handle this situation, hopefully they have experience handling this situation without any medications.
Thank you Paulc. As I don't know yet when my body and my doctor will be willing to do this surgery, I will have to wait and see where dh is in this journey before I can decide rather to tell him ahead of time or not. In general, I'm not inclined to just drop things on him that he won't understand. He probably won't remember why he's going there anyway, but it will be much easier for me and him if he understands (as much as possible) ahead of time that he needs to go there so that I can heal up. The fact that I, too, will be at a facility might help him accept that he has to go somewhere else. He does think he can take care of himself and he can for a night or 2. But a month, l don't think even he will think he can take care of himself for that long.
mothert, how are you feeling? Lynn had blood poisoning once and it was a looooong recovery! Hoping you are starting to feel better ((hugs))
I had a complete shoulder reconstruction last year, there is no way I could have taken care of Lynn. I know Marsh also had his shoulder done, I believe his solution was his daughters came to help and he had the aides as well. Is that right Marsh?
I know when my Mom had her hip replacement she went to the same facility where Lynn is. They offer post op rehab as well as long term care, it worked out wonderfully for her and our family. She needed 24 hour care at that point and was able to get her PT care there as well.
You know your DH best, you will figure out what and when to tell him. But Joan is absolutely right, you have to be away from him so you can not worry and heal. I sure hope you catch a break soon!! ((hugs))
Nikki, So good to hear from you. Yes, I am finding the recovery from the Sepsis to be a bit more lengthy than my usual "bouncing right back" self - infection is gone, but no gas in the tank yet. I have dh stabilized and am working on the shoulder scenarios. I will start checking out facilities next week and seeing what they offer. Guess I better call my insurance company also and see what they will cover. My policy says 60 days nursing care but my doc says that insurance doesn't usually cover "out patient" procedures. We'll see. Gotta get it done. I know that you have also been recovering from a illness, just can't remember what had you down. I'm sure all the stress we go through with our lo throws a wrench into our immune systems making us more vulnerable. I like very much the advice h you gave Coco regarding the placement of Dado and how it freed you up to FEEL your love for Lynn again. I know what you're talking about. I find myself being very impatient with my dh lately as this disease continues it's relentless destruction of his brain; he acts so much like an annoying adolescent and I have no patience with that. Then I get a handle on his inability to be anything else now and I feel bad for him and try to do better - still it's annoying. Oh well, preaching to the choir :-) Sure love u all.