Linda, I was never afraid either. I had a lot of punches, being held up against the wall etc. I thought about calling 911 but never did. As the others have said, it only takes a minute to be injured. Once, Gord really, really lost it. My sister and brother-in-law were here and they were absolutely horrified and afraid for me. Oddly, I can remember next to nothing about the incident which was apparently awful. We are all different and we all handle things differently. Take care of yourself.
When my son called 911 it cost us around $7,000 in legal fees. He was scared that L would hurt me. One good thing is that it forced her to accept having a paid caregiver since that was a condition of her parole.
mothert, that wouldn't be a lie either because in March of this year he told me that he would get a gun if he lived past the age of 75 but nothing came of it because when the dr. confronted him with it he denied saying it. But when they see all the things in his bedroom that he won't let me get rid of then they will be able to see that he is a dnager to himself just as much or more than to me. They haven't come yet but tomorrow is a holiday and I don't know if they will show up until Tuesday. One of my friends said that they work 24/7 so they should have already been here but they haven't showed up yet. I was gone for 2 hours today, they wouldn't have come and gone without talking to me would they have?
No they will not come without talking to you. Since the apartment manager filed the complaint they might talk to her first. Maybe you should call them also and start your own complaint. IS there a battered women's shelter there? If so call them now they will know what to do. Your district attorneys office should have a victims advocate call them also. It is imperative that you call someone NOW and not wait on someone else to do it. He will be removed along as you insist that he is a danger to himself first and others second. Praying for you.
Adult Protective Services came yesterday and they talked to me outside because I didn't want DH to hear and they wrote everything down and they had no problem believing be, which is why I was in a hurry to get them out here, but they saw some of the bruises and didn't even ask to see the pictures. I told her that he has Alzheimer's and I didn't call the police because I didn't know if they could do anything because things were already calm by the time I got up off the floor and she said that didn't matter because you didn't know if he was done or not, he could have come back out of the bedroom and finished the job, you just don't know. Anyway, so then she asked me if I wanted to put him in a NH and I said yes, I can't take care of him anymore, he won't even let me clean his room and the things in his room could be a danger so yes, I do think he could be a danger to himself. She said that she would be calling the NH that very day and letting them know that they need to come out and evaluate him so that he can be admitted. I am not sure exactly how that works but I am so glad that she was so helpful and took this as very important. Now I just hope that he doesn't become agitated when they come to see him because that is why the APS didn't come in to talk to him.
I hate having to go through these things but I don't have a choice anymore!
You are so right. Not having a choice is a powerful emotion.
It is a fine line, Deb; it is almost that they have to be agitated to a certain degree to get attention, but not so aggressive or violent that it eliminates them from being eligible for care.
I hope there is a positive result soon. You must be more than exhaused, to say the least!
Remember (I'm not implying that your forgot) that key words are that he cannot take care of himself and has threatened to harm himself).
Stand your ground, He will probably beg and plead to stay home, stay your ground, it will be hard but just remember this is survival mode. Hopefully he will become agitated when they come to evaluate him, that will give them the picture that they need to move quickly. If I might be so bold as to ask, what state do you live in?
Nancy B, I will try to be real short. L was agitated over something happening at the house. I didn't back off quick enough or divert, this stuff was new to me. She eventually attacks me (no, I was not in danger), our son was worried about me, called 911, hung up. 911 called back and I said everything was under control, they said they had to come over.
3 or 4 officers arrive, L and I are separated, we are interviewed. The police officer was at my house a few days ago when our son called 911. I wasn't home but L got angry at me over a phone call and was walking backing in forth in the house cursing me. So he was familiar with the situation and was trying to reach social services (it was a Sunday) to get L put into the hospital since she didn't want to go to the hospital. Even though she had a bottle of Gatorade with her she wanted iced tea and slapped the police officer in her way. So we are now looking at misdemeanor assault against me and felony assault against the officer. And she is in handcuffs. Police about to take her to the hospital and they get a call from social services. I explain that the problem is neurological, not psychiatric, so social services will not approve hospital stay. Off to jail.
SIL comes to take our son to her home for 2 days since he is traumatized. Magistrate and police office find a loophole to allow me to take L home with me, a violation of state law they there were risking their careers since it was clear L had no where else to go and could not be left alone. L was in very good mood on release, which took a few hours. I had nice conversation with bail bondsman. And I called my lawyer.
Next step is seeing a judge about the official charges a month later, lawyer has L say as little as possible and say she understands the charges.
The legal systems moves very slowly. My lawyer is trying to talk to prosecutor (you don't know who will prosecute until the day of the hearing). Has conversations with head prosecutor and they bond over shared medical problems. Since my lawyer is representing my wife I need my own lawyer to represent me in case the prosecutor wants to talk with me (major conflict of interest issues). My lawyer also wanted advise of other lawyer, so they work together. We are also working on wills at this point so some of this money is for other legal stuff. Detective investigating case was familiar with cases of brain damage and was very understanding (at time we only thought L had a brain injury, prognosis of FTD would come later).
Day of hearing we are kept waiting for at least 5 hours. 2 lawyers at 5 hours = around $2,000. My lawyer has been making a case to prosecution that they are draining the bank account of the family that they are presumably helping. Do a deal, 2 years probation for misdemeanor assault, drop felony assault, erase all charges after 2 years of probation.
So it is all in the past. Her record has been expunged. Have not had anger like that again. Doctors are aware of situation. At least L knows that that sister knows about the FTD.
What a nightmare...Bless your heart! I cannot imagine how few people understand what we are going through. These LO's are not criminals, they are SICK., and their actions should not be prosecuted the same way sane people would. You and I know that L would not have slapped the officer and all of the other things when she was well.
This was just wrong! I'm so sorry!! This was so unfair!
My state has very strict laws about spousal abuse. Which is a good thing. The abused spouse may not withdraw charges (too often when this happens the spouse gets killed). The police have limited latitude.
When I talked with the social services person I should have taken a different track, I didn't know at the time about the restriction from her being in contact with the family for 3 days (which the magistrate helped me get around). I should have told social services that my wife should be in the hospital for a medication adjustment. By saying it was neurological I made it sound like they could do anything at the hospital.
There should be a possibility for social services to intervene later in the case. They did offer assistance, but for me, the "abused" party. Glad to know that there are these services for those who need them, though.
One positive was that my wife was ordered to have a caregiver for when I wasn't home. The parole officer made a suggestion which resulted in finding a great part-timer. I needed this leverage to get my wife to accept that she had to have a caregiver and it wasn't my fault.
shellseeker50, the state that I live in(besides stresscity) is New Mexico. I really hope that the NH calls or comes over tomorrow because if they don't I am going to have to call the Adult Protective Services again. paulc, I am really sorry that you had to go through that, I kind of think that is why I didn't call 911 because I didn't want something like that to happen. Even the APS didn't come in because they were afraid of agitating him. I can't believe how stressful this is. abby, I think this is the most stressful, exhausting, and mind blowing part of the whole caregiving situation for me. I can't even take care of him anymore because I am afraid of him!! I am so glad that you all are here to talk to.
deb i am so sorry you are fearful. if it was me, this is one of the times i would contact the dr and get something like ativan that i could crush into a food and slip him during the day til this is addressed. if they are a real danger to themselves or you, sometimes keeping them loaded with meds is the only way to keep them compliant and safe, you included. i'd rather see him sleeping til this is resolved than you afraid to attend to his needs. hope you get some help soon. divvi
Well, the NH hasn't called yet so tomorrow I am going to have to call the social worker at the Adult Protective Services! hohum!! The greasy wheel and all. Can't let up on these people for one minute ya know!
deb, did you call APS? Do they know why the NH hasn't been in touch yet? Hopefully by now you've heard from the NH. Let us know-we're concerned about you.
I have an update on my situation. I finally got a hold of the evaluator at the NH and she said that she will get the medical records of his dr. and then do an evaluation. She also said that she didn't have any beds but she would work on that! I think because he has been violent they are going to have to find a bed, if not in that NH there are 3 other ones in town that are closely related to them. I hope this can be taken care of before things get bad again!