Ok, my first discussion and only because I cannot find this particular issue by searching past threads. My DH has become rather 'flirty' with young women - strangers at the park or in the store or restaurants - telling them they are really pretty, that he likes their clothes, and asking where they live, amongst other less creepy comments. Recently, he has gotten too close and started touching them. Today, he was being introduced to a new caregiver and when she held out her hand for him to shake, he kissed her on the mouth. This was done while I was at work, so I couldn't respond.
Now, I've been dealing with his petting and stroking and awkward attempts at lovemaking for a few months - mostly by trying to move away or distract him. He's not easily distracted though. I understand that this is a phase and I can live with it, but this behavior with strangers has crossed a line and I'm not sure exactly what to do or how to discuss it with him. I would be grateful for any advice.
There has been discussions on this subject so I am sure those who have dealt with it will be along. Do a search but use the advance search as it will find more. sorry you are having to deal with this.
Well, for starters, it probably won't help to discuss it with him because a) he'll forget the discussion within 30 minutes, and b) chances are he has reached a point where he is unable to see his behavior as strange or changed, so he'll either deny or be offended.
On the "bright(?)" side, this is usually a passing phase. How long it takes to pass varies. That's where others need to weigh in.
Offhand, I'd say that you'll need to forewarn caregivers--or forewarn the agency so they can choose older aides who may be more experienced or comfortable with coping with this kind of problem. Perhaps there are male aides available.
As for out in public, it's probably one of those things like how I keep my dog out of trouble on walks. If I see another dog coming that she's likely to growl at, I tighten her leash, move to the other side of the street, etc. You may need to be watching for people whom you judge to be the type he'll react inappropriately to, and avoid, avoid, avoid. Perhaps, for example, if you're out to eat, you position him on the wall side of the booth, with you on the outside so that you're between him and anyone he may touch or flirt with.
If it's uncontrollable, there may be med. I think others have dealt with this. I have not. The weirdest my husband got was whispering things in our daughters' ears such as "You're a very shapely woman." He realized they were his daughters, but had lost his ability to filter what was an appropriate comment and what was creepy. Luckily, they have always fully understood and managed it with humor.
Ann--Jeff would do that too. He thought he knew everyone. Especially middle-age to older men, whom he'd interpret as good friends he needed to talk to. After a while it became clear to strangers that he wasn't playing with a full deck and, for the most part, they'd be very understanding.
Fiona-with certain types of dementia-FTD being one of them- the social "breaks" are off. Inhibitions lesson and you have to be very careful. You never know what or the whom they will say something that can be taken the wrong way.
Fiona, yes that's a sign of increased sexuality which can easily turn to hypersexuality, so you have to take precautions as emily mentioned and you may need to have his dr prescribe some meds to help control it. My husband went thru this stage when he was in early stage 5 and quite frankly, without going into any detail, I found it horrible. He was like a male cat-wanting to fondle, touch, kiss, hug any woman. And NOTHING would distract him from his pursuits. He started doing the same things your husband is doing and progressed. It lasted about 1.5 years and became almost constant.
I would absolutely discuss this with the agency if you are hiring aides thru one. You need someone caring for him who has experience dealing with this behavior. You absolutely do not want to have someone bring a sexual assault complaint against him.
this is a very despairing phase that must be watched carefully. especially if out in public, like the others say you must keep him in view at all times and a very short 'leash' so to speak. without notice or cue they can expose themselves in public then you have a major major issue and more than likely officials will be called in. from experience i can also say around children, yes they tend to gravitate to small babies and kids as well during this phase, this is extra concerns. folks are very leary of a grown man talking to their kids. mine had no issues at all in earlier stages, to try to pee in public places. like fountains at malls etc. or grocery stores. it became a nightmare to take him out due to never knowing when where he could expose himself. we know they know they dont know what they are doing but unfortunately police do not. i think your dear husband DH) is in the first stages of this and the flirting is a red light and needs to be watched when around any other persons. family included. i am going to say something here that is too terrible to say but in the early stages i heard of a grandfather that assaulted his grandchild, of course he had dementia. this disease has no mercy for sure we must stay vigilant to those around us and protect them and ourselves. it would be wise to consult his dr and speak of this earlier than later. most caregivers will not accept the familiarity whether explained or not and may become an issue if the dr cant offer some suggestions or medications. its a real problem dementia patients can go thru and is something we should not turn a blind eye to due to any legal ramnifications that could happen.
welcome Fiona! so sorry under these circumstances, but its good to post things that are of concerns. theres alot of good handson input from folks who live these experiences. divvi
Be very careful, both in public and around vulnerable family. I was sexually abused by a grandfather in this kind of situation when I was a young teenager too scared to say anything. There are medications that can help. The prostate medication Proscar (finasteride) is an anti-androgen and stronger ones include spironolactone and cyproterone. My husband liked taking Proscar because it reversed his hair loss.
very upsetting , I have not talked about this yet, because, he was always such a prude, never never swore and was such a gentleman. He was raised Catholic and I know for a fact masturbation was not a part of his life, whether that was healthy or not.
I noticed some months ago after he started taking the seroquel, that he would masturbate in bed, not know I could see. I knew this was a side effect and let it go.
Then, a few weeks ago, when we went to town and he was in the back seat, my lovely girlfriend said she thought she could see him doing it under his blanket in the back seat. Later she heard him saying the "F' word, when we got home. She asked him what he had said, and he said, "I am F---ked" Never never would he ever say that word before.
Now , I got home from respite day yesterday, and the Care Worker had left me a note. She said, " I have never encountered this before, but he looked at me and said "f..K" So I said no, and he just went back to his staring"
I am going to call her today to make sure of the details.
Either way it is so horrible and painful. In an awful way, it has made me have a tiny bit easier time of working on the placement issue. Yes, this week, finalize some papers and move on. My heart is breaking so.
I would say so.. My DH's sister, who has ALZ has been having these issues and has had to be removed from the facility where she was staying for her provacitive behavior. She was taken to the hospital for that 3 day observation and med adjustment and when it didn't work she was taken back to hospital for two weeks and more meds adjustment...and now she is in a facility with a smaller number of residents but if she starts to act out again she will be dismissed and sent to another facility which will not be supported by medical and will cost upwards of 3600/mo I hear...her kids are going to have to figure this one out... AT a recent family event she began her behaviour with my bil and he told his niece and her husband to take their mother out now...before she gets really wound up.
I would contact your doctor NOW about this and see how this can be solved or at least tamped down...What my sister in law was doing was down right vulgar stuff.
this can become a real complicated issue if they start this in public. especially around ANY minors. this behavior unfortunately can land them in very deep legal issues and of course as their advocates we would have to go thru alll the hooplas. not a joking matter. if they expose themselves in public beware. police will not be lenient AD or not. and we have spoken here before of the legal costs involved.
it may not be a bad idea coco to call his dr and discuss this before it could become an issue especially if you are still taking him out. . most caregivers will not put up with the hypersexuality issues. sorry you have to deal with yet another distressing subject.
I AM SO ^*@!!! ANGRY!!! I KNOW I should not be so ticked off, but it is so personal and hurtful.
Just got off the phone with the Care person that comes 10 hours a week. I asked her if when he said the bad word, was he just swearing, or being forward. She tried to misdirect me over and over oh he said it so nice, he was not pushy etc.
I DON'T WANT YOUR ANALZYING I TOLD HER, I KEEP RECORDS THIS IS NOT PERSONAL FOR YOU JUST GIVE ME THE FACTS.
So she told me it was a definite advance, (besides her insisting once again it was done quietly) And that he had done it before, had asked her directly to have sex with him. I chewed her out, WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME??? , and once again, she said he did it quietly and she figured it was just part of the disease.
the thing is, I am keeping a diary of all these things, and my other friend was up front with me when she observed sexual behaviour. When I told the care person I need to report this the the medical team, she said, "Well I will make sure to tell them he did it in not a mean way" I SAID YES YES YES I UNDERSTAND THIS, BUT IT IS NOT UP TO YOU!!!!! TO ANALYZE HIS BEHAVIOUR AND NOT TELL ME.!!
I know I am over reacting a bit. GOD THIS IS SO DAM....N AWFUL!!!
Sometime the care person won't tell the family if for some reason they think it will upset them. I'm not saying that is true in your case but for some families this sort of thing will just really turn their world upside down. I have kept thing from the family when I have know they would be very distressed by their LO actions. I/we also hear this sort of sex stuff quite often and it just goes in one ear and out the other. You become this way after years of working with people with disablities there isn't much that affects you. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you and is probably is upset with herself that she has made you angry.
I will say it is quite different working with other folks LO and now having my own hubby with this disease but I am getting better at detaching and focus on what would I do if he was a patient I was caring for.
Oh, Coco, please don't let this upset you! Quite honestly, he is f**ked. In a moment of clarity, he may have realized it and decided to vocalize. And the care person may have just been wanting to spare you. How kind on her part. As if you don't have enough to deal with as it is. Breathe! {{{Hugs}}}
Coco,you are right to be angry, the carer should most definitely, have told you. Knowing these things allows you to be prepared for any situation where this could create problems. And yes, it is shocking and sad to know this about our DH's who were so "proper" in another life. Lexapro (anti depressant) curbs obsessive behaviours and may also help with the crying.
yes Linda I know he is shot. But if he is making advances and lewd gestures that I don't see, I simply want to know! Not only for my own information, but for the record. I am applying for Medicaid and as they need a Level of Care form and other information, it is important. However I want to know I think it is only right. She may have thought it is allright, and in a way it is, but please, let me know.
cassie* I will mention the Lexapro to his team, they had suggested something more. He is taking Seroquel an anti pyschotic, and now, more meds....?
Coco, she also may be afraid you'd fire her if she told you. Jobs are hard to come by.
My DH also did some unthinkable things. He pinched the breast of a server in a restaurant as she reached across him to hand me my plate. (We were sitting in a booth). He pinched fat behinds. He thought it was funny. I would be mortified.
This too will pass!!! It won't last forever. Forewarn everyone that he might 'try something' and to just redirect him and be sure and let you know if and when it happens.
And,.. one more thing.. in defense of your caregiver, I'm sure she has seen it all... and it IS just part of the disease. They cannot afford to be sensitive to these outbursts. They can be more objective than we are... because they are not emotionally involved with the patient.
Ok, so I have come to my final feelings and thoughts on this, and know they are true.
The care person told me she had abuse in her youth by a grandparent, so that she can recognize these things. Yet she did not tell me because of ANY of the reasons listed above, AND that she was scared she may not be believed, because of her past experiences. I am not mad at her, but she needs to know that it is not just about HER, and her feelings about it, that it is ok to not say anything. Every time I come home I ask her to tell me about the day, her observations, anything I should know about. It happened the very first time she watched him, about 7 months ago. He simply asked her if they would have sex. She guided him away and he forgot about it. SHE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, she did today finally.
And, besides my feelings of shame and hurt that I should not really feel, she was not the only one that told me of incidents. There was my friend that was just here, that I mentioned above.
Putting all that aside, what if he did this to a CHILD, or some of things you described. I NEED TO KNOW for that reason, and for the reason for keeping a journal for myself, and doctors.
My frustration and anger that I am still feeling, are that, I was not listened to, that the Care person most always wants to give some cosmic reason for it all, and NOT LISTEN to me. These are the times when I really feel alone. I am not seen in some way, only truly by you all here.
Coco, this just might the confirmation that you need to go ahead and agressivly seek placement. I know that you have been wrestling with yourself about making the decison. But as you said, "it could have been a child." My Dh has not displayed this in some time, but I still tell everyone that he is not to be alone with any of their children or teenagers, not even for a few minutes. This is truly a horrible disease. Arms around you.
Coco, I understand how you feel, but please try to let the anger go. As I said above, my husband went through this stage for about 1.5 years and it was quite frankly disgusting. I agree the caregiver should have told you but like Nancy B*, I think she might have been concerned about her job. And if she's experienced with caring for people with dementia, I am sure she has seen this behavior before.
I experience similar issues with our caregiver-I ask him to report changes in behavior he observes that perhaps I don't or cannot and I usually get the response "You know, he's doing the same thing-not sleeping". I finally told him that it is very important that he gives me the details because I am working with the doctors to find the right med combo to keep him asleep all night and if I don't know what's happening I cannot accurately report it so we can get him on the right med combo so he will sleep.
Lexapro is a mild antidepressant and something not to e feared. Unfortunately many of our spouses require more medication as their disease progresses or to help everyone through difficult phases. I was advised risperodal is usually used to manage the hypersexuality issues. DH had a severe reaction to it so couldn't take it.
Hope you all get through this phase quickly-it can be potentially dangerous should he begin misbehaving in public.
I will be asking about the Lexapro for sure, and in fact he has been very depressed and they suggested more meds...glad it is mild..
I am sorry I know I went off the deep end over this. I still feel the care giver should have told me , especially as I ask in detail about their day each time I come home. I am not mad at her though. She is not really that professional, she is more like a trusted babysitter.
I know everyone loves their mate, and hurt when things hit the fan. It is just that...and I know I am not alone here....Dado was always such a shining light in a world of many disgusting men, (and women), and was so decent and kind. I know it is the disease, it is just that I really, did not expect this symptom.
Just when I think I have it all together and am being immensely strong, another dagger. Hugs to all of you too.
Oh Coco, how heartbreaking for you! We never had these issues so I have no pearls of wisdom for you. But I do know how it rocks your very core when our spouse does something we just never thought they could ever ever do, Alzheimer's or not. For us it was verbal and physical abuse. And yeah, I KNEW it was part of the disease, but you know what? That fact did very little to soothe my broken heart. I am sorry dear Coco ((Hugs))
And sweetie, you did not go off the deep end, you were upset and rightly so. How wonderful we have this safe haven where we can come and people actually understand. I am glad you were able to work things out with your caregiver ♥
thanks for chiming in Nikki, I always love your kind words.
Actually, I have let this caregiver go, and a new one is coming. There were many other things that were not good, but as she was so timely and lived close, I overlooked these things.
When I got home the other day his Depends was soaking wet, and I have asked her to make sure to change him around lunch. This never happens when I am home, and he always makes it to the toilet.Also there have been two times in the past when I came home to really smelly full of poop ones just carelessly thrown in the bathroom closet, the house reeked.
She always asks me if there are some crafty type things she can do for the long day, or if I have a good book. Meantime she is paid well to take care of him, and is supposed to do light housework..never done...this is part my fault as I did not insist.
I do not dislike the woman, but even the manager of the Care company says that she has a problem LISTENING< and that she always turns it around to how SHE feels. This is what drove me nuts, she would not listen to me.
He is my husband, and I need to know when such things happen, I also need him to be clean and loved. We are fighting a prostrate infection with him diligently, and having soiled underwear is not going to help.
It is SO UNLIKE me to make waves, and I do feel bad that she will lose this 10 hours a week. But I feel I did the right thing.
Coco, you did the right thing and I applaud you for changing the caregiver. I have said before on this site that when we have a substitute caregiver (we've had the same one for 4 years 24/7) they never really care for dh or do their job. They throw out soiled underwear so I can't see that they haven't cleaned him properly, they all tell me that they have years of experience and know how to do their job when I tell them what they need to do, they never adequately supervise dh when eating so I have to, etc. Many paid caregivers don't want to do the job they're hired to do and will do anything so that they do as llittle as possible. One told me that he was paid so little that he would only provide care for 12 hours not the 24 he was hired for.
Coco.I am so sorry for you. My heart goes out to you because my DH is hypersexual also. DH was on porn sites daily until I put a Norton child proof on the interet. Then it was porn movies ...flirting opening with me in front of him blowing kisses to strangers and winking. Now it's the topless bar. If someone would have told me 10 years ago he would behave this way I would have said they were crazy as he was always respectful to woman. He constanting uses the F word and in public. DIL asked him the other day when we were visiting what show he would like to watch and he said "porn" No filter....it's gone.
Ok, we've gone through the hypersexual phase (or so I thought) which was miserable and lasted 2.5-3 years. Well, all of a sudden he is masturbating morning, noon and night even right in front of the caregiver (male). Ok, as long as he's behaving when we go out, I can deal with the at home behavior. Particularly because dh is so restless every day we have to take him out of the house to walk for 1-2 hours to get him to sleep at night.
Well today we are doing errands in Walmart and Lowe's and as he's wheeling the cart down the aisle he decides he's going to grab a female patron's butt. Once in Walmart, once in Lowe's. The aide and I explain to both women that dh has dementia and apologize profusely. Thankfully both women were understanding and let it go. I spoke sternly to dh and told him he could absolutely not touch ANY stranger much less on their behind. If he did so again the police would be called and he would be jailed for sexual assault. He looks at me and says he didn't do anything. I know the aide and I must be more vigilant when we take him out but it's hard to constantly keep an eye on him because he gets out of sight in an instant. And he won't let either of us hold him, his hand or in anyway restrict him. I know you're going to tell me that we must keep him home or otherwise monitor his every move. Just another challenge with this already challenging disease. Any suggestions are welcome.
Oh, LFL, this must be so frustrating! But, I thik I would keep him home unless the doctor can give him meds to control this behavior. It would be so, so awful if he grabbed a child - the parents may not be so understanding. Have you talked to his doctor about it?
I really have no suggestions, since I haven't been through this. But....hugs to you.
Not yet Vickie....I haven't had a chance to call the doctor yet. My past experience is that they can give him seroquel (which he's on) or Risperidal which he cannot tolerate. I agree, it would be terrible if he grabbed a child. He's never done any of this before (just internet porn and alot of masturbating). Honestly I am so sick of yet another out of control behavior. For the first time since his dx in 2008 we had a month where he wasn't agitated every minute of every day, slept at night, was cooperaive and behaved. Now we have this new behavior. I am honestly tired of this, I just want a docile, dementia guy. Thanks for the hugs...I really need them now. Just when I think I'm over the hump with this terrible disease (FTD). I hope his penis falls off from so much abuse!
I am sorry for the pain you are going through. Do get business type cards that explain his condition in case he does something and you can't talk about it. Hopefully meds can help. Only other advice is to tell him to not touch anyone, not just the butt or breast. Keep it as simple do him as much as possible. No touching.
LFL, I am sorry that this chapter isn't closed. First, as you well know, I am having similar problems with the hypersexuality. I do have business cards from the alzheimers assn. which you can hand out. Can you keep him away from the internet so he's not so stimilated? I have miniized the tool bar on the computer so he can't get anything larger than a postage stamp..lol.
Medication- I have spoken to spouse's shrink and neuro guy. I have been told there is really nothing to cause ED! Sequel has done zippo but the strenght isn't that strong. I really feel for you because the anxiety of what he could do in public is horrible. My husband would flirt with the bank teller, the check-out girls, ladies walking in the store. Age...size...pretty or ugly he is like a dog in heat! Winking...asking for a kiss..So far he hasn't pinched their butts, however, I don't put ANYTHING past him! It your doctor prescribes a med. which works please tell me because this is has caused so much financial problems and anxiety. I am always worried that his worthless lowlife son will take him to the "escorts" house. And he openly admitted to me he paid her $500.00 for two occassions. Howver, LDL now that I look back over the years he has probably been visiting them for years!
BTW, how long has your he had FTD?
Triple ((hugs)) ---hang in there and hopefully it will go into remission again
paul, yes we have the cards and hand them out but I also find that speaking personally to someone makes them more compassionate and understanding after they have the card. It adds another dimension to the exchange. Good advice to tell him NO TOUCHING, not just butts and/or breasts. That should be easier to explain.
lullie, he can no longer use the computer so he's not being aroused by any pictures/content on the internet; I think it's just nature taking it's course with FTD fueling the urges. FTD in particular can cause hypersexuality but it happens with AD and other dementias as well. Hb was dxd in 2008(age 58) with unspecified dementia, then 3 months later he was dxd with probable FTD which has recently been confirmed by the geripsychiatrist currently treating him. In retrospect I believe he's had it at least since 2004, so I think we're almost 10 years into this.
LFL, I can hear your frustration in your post. yes its an ongoing very really worrisome time when they do these behaviors. my suggestion is to have him ride in a transport chair with the seat belt over lap, pushed by your aide or you. even if he is ambulatory this will keep him out of others harms way. and if he tries to move will give you notice. its an inconvenience but the contrary as you you describe can get him into such serious trouble. we know all it takes is one person not willing to let it go and call the police. that would be much more of a nightmare to deal with. get a nice transport chair that glides well and you can manage and just go with it now earlier than later. you can subdue his behaviors greatly by having him restrained. especially when out in public. like you say if he exposes himself, sigh. to a child or even a woman hes in serious trouble, AD or not. its still considered criminal behavior especially child related. being proactive will save you alot of misery. other than having your aide stay at home or in the car with him theres doesnt seem to be much we can do. i would definately talk to the dr and let him know its quite serious and you need to try something to help curtail this new activity. he may pass out of this stage at some point but til then stay alert when out in public. wishing you all the best! divvi
Doesn't it seem strange that there is no medications that lessen sexual desires?? What ever happened to the stuff they called salt peter when men were in the war and at sea for months or years at a time that controlled their sexual desires?
divvi, as always great advice, but he's not exposing himself or even fondling himself or others in public at this stage and so far has not. At this point I am not worried about him exposing himself but inappropriate touching of a stranger (god forbid it should be a child). The problem we have is that I am disabled because of severe long term RA (40+ years) so when we go out I am the one in the transport chair because dh is fully ambulatory. That's part of the problem...the aide is pushing me in the transport chair and as such can't keep his eye on dh 100% of the time. So we have dh push a shopping cart to keep him occupied and focused but because I need assistance the aide can't watch dh all the time. It is not financially feasible to employ 2 aides and I do need to go out 2-3 times/week to supervise what we need in the household.
aww darn - well if you are the one needing the chair then yes its more problematic. geez i dont know how else you can deal if he is fully functioning and able to move around while out unrestrained. he probably wont be able to follow the 'dont fondle or touch' long and will continue to do so. well right now hes just grabbing inappropriately, but you mentioned hes constantly masturbating. dont think this cant happen in public as well. i know:) we just can never know what or when things can take a different turn. i see your financial point of inability to hire more help. there doesnt seem to be a rational fix to this issue does it. other than maybe if you have a relative or family friend who would be able to accompany you all on outings that wouldnt charge.
This is a long shot, but some high schools and colleges require their students to do community service, either several hours weekly or monthly. You or someone you know might see if one of these students could get credit to assist you in the store while the aide deals with your husband. Probably a college student would be best because they would have to be fully advised of your husband's condition as well as the adviser. A church member might also be willing to meet you in the store to assist you while the aide and husband go in a different direction - members of a service group might take turns. I know it is difficult to ask for assistance, but it sounds as if you really need it. No one knows that if something isn't said.
I really feel for you LFL - arthritis is another terribly misunderstood disease. RA is not just creaky old joints - it is a systemic disease with debilitating pain, inflammation and fatigue. Our daughter developed an arthritis of this sort at age 15 and in a matter of months went from athletic to being in a wheelchair. I wished we lived in the same community; my DH, who loves to help, and I would gladly assist you in the store.
LfL, Oh girl my heart goes out to you. I really wish I had a suggestion to resolved this terrible problem soon. I like Marche's long-shot idea but NOT HS students because of age related issues of sex/ molestion...possibly a student going to nursing school???)
As I read you post...I realize that we have so very much in common not only with our spouses have FTD...but the lenght of time ( I really believe mine has had it a LONG time hence all the marital problems we have had over the years). I also have an autoimmune disease (lupus). Fortunely I am in remission most of the time however, stress does bring my lupus out of remission. I do take MG daily which helps me with my joints and constiipation.
You are a real trooper and I admire all your honesty in this site and also your input I have valued. Thank you so very much. I will hold you and your husband up in prayer this evening as I am really feel your pain and dispair.
Take care---- triple hugs (((hugs))) and wishing not only for your husband's but that you will have the mental and physcial strenght in the weeks to come.
JudithKB, I have wondered the same thing about a chemical / medicine controlling the hypersexuality. According to snopes regarding your comment of "salt and pepper" Snopes states:
The truth is, there's no proof poitassuyn nitratee (also known as salt pepper) has any effect on libido, plus or minus, so there would be nothing to be gained from such a doctoring of edibles. Yes, salt and pepper has long rumors to be an anaphrodisiac, a substance that reduces sexual drive. But it's all rumor and no fact.
As always thank you all for your kind words, support and suggestions. divvi, I know the situation could change in a minute and I do believe he could be doing "it" in public, but hasn't yet. Two years ago it was peeing in public but we seemed to weather that storm, thank god, with only a few issues (the stupid replacement aide told me he couldn't force him to stop peeing in public or prevent it if DH chose to do it). Marche, good suggestions and I will look into perhpas a college student in the local community college but I am sure he/she will expect some compensation, it's worth looking into. Other efforts to hire someone for yard work have not been fruitful-many kids in an affluent community don't want to do physical work. But it shouldn't be too hard to push me a few hours/week.
lullie, sorry to learn of your lupus-autoimmune diseases run in my family - lupus, ms and me with RA. I know the challenges they can pose. And yes, they are very misunderstood-everyone thinks RA is an "old persons disease" just like dementia, so I've been fighting the "you're too young to have RA" since I was 21. I guess it was good preparation for the journey I'm on now.
marche, I am so sorry you had to deal with your daughters RA at such a young age...I am sure it was devastating to the whole family. Yes, it is a very misunderstood illness-even my own sister has no understanding after all these years. She tells me I'll live forever or at least longer than she because my aunt with lupus lived to be 90. I know she means well but doesn't really want to know.
Thanks again all of you for offering suggestions and support. I couldn't get through all this without you.
ps JudithKB*-why is it they can develop meds to enable erections, but not the opposite?
LFL, Rap me on the head for only thinking of young people to help. My goodness, if there is a senior citizens center in your town, putting the word out at the euchre games that someone is needed to meet you at the market and assist you while the aide attends to your husband would, I imagine, result in lots of volunteers. I know a number of older, but able people who would do this and not expect pay other than a smile and a thanks.
And biologics have been amazing drugs for arthritis; I am so sorry that you couldn't benefit from them. Our daughter has a job and lives her life with a wisdom far beyond her years. She knows that there are no certainties in life, especially good health.
LFL....I suppose it's because most of us like the erections better then the opposite. Seriously, there must be medications out there that take care of this problem.
I'm probably butting in where I have no right to be, because I have no experience with this issue, (and pray that I never have to deal with it either) but here are drugs out there to treat this problem. I just don't know whether their use would be considered ethical in treating a person with Dementia. In the string on Sexual Disinhibition, there was some discussion about the drugs used to treat sex offenders once they leave prison. This is called "chemical castration". I looked chemical castration up on wikipedia and this is what was there - " Chemical castration involves the administration of anti-androgen drugs, such as cyproterone acetate or the birth-control drug Depo-Provera, which is given as an injection every three months, making compliance easier to track. The antipsychotic agent Benperidol is also indicated for this purpose, and can also be given by depot injection as a means of increasing compliance.
When used on men, these drugs can reduce sex drive, compulsive sexual fantasies, and capacity for sexual arousal. Life-threatening side effects are rare, but some users show increases in body fat and reduced bone density, which increase long-term risk of cardiovascular disease and osteoporosis. They may also experience other "feminizing" effects such as gynecomastia (development of larger than normal mammary glands in males),[6][7] reduced body hair,[8] and loss of muscle mass.[9]."
There is a great deal of discussion on whether these drugs are ethical to use on sex offenders, and with the number and types of side effects, especially reduced bone density in patients who are already more prone to falling, I would think it unlikely that they would be prescribed for someone with dementia, but I guess there would be no harm in asking your DH's doctors.
I sincerely hope you are able to find a senior's group, a church or service group such as Rotary or some young people looking for volunteer credits to help you out.