I noticed you edited your posting under caregiver life with spouse in residence as too depressing back on Sept 11th. I started getting concerned when your clown picture disappeared. Are things worse with your DW? You have such insightful postings that help so many of us with a spouse in residence. Please let us know if you are ok!
Si. I ham ok. Thank you so much for noticing I exist and thinking about me, I hope you're OK too.
I thought the clown might be a bit loud and could be grinding after a while so after a bit, I took it down. I had a picture of me up earlier and then it got weird looking at myself because I kept wanting to draw a big handlebar mustach on me. Now I'm laying low because I don't want the people here to learn that I'm 12 years old.
Things have gotten worse. We have a bicycle helmet on her now. I've signed a restraint form because she's falling every day now but we all agree that even if she falls you fight to keep her going because once she's not walking at all anymore that's a one way street. She's hit her nose a couple of times and she's a bleeder and a fainter. We used to joke that we never had kids because they would get one of our big noses; but, they're not much good as shock absorbers.
It's been tough lately. I did some tax planning for 2013 and realized deeply I can't count on that and what that even means. I threw some things of hers out in the garbage and told a friend where I started perfectly normally but broke down completely before I got to the word 'garbage'. I love my soulmate more than I can ever express to anyone but a tornado blew through the trailer park and the only recognizeable thing I have left is this doorknob I was holding when the trailer disintegrated. Not much you can do with that.
I said earlier I could fall in love with a million women and I think I wasn't clear. It might be clearer if I say that I know there are a million women out there right now I would be truly blessed to have. I won't be remarrying. It wouldn't be fair at all to the person. And while the readers are welcome to shake their heads, I always know what I will and won't do once I recognize it. Me, myself, and I are a handful already.
I'm learning things about myself and I like that even though some is very painful. I want my life very much and by that I mean I want to live life engaged in interests until I drop somewhere. I fully expect to have female and male friends. I'm painting. I'm researching more about a new technology I'm investing in. I tripled the catfood budget which has been met with approval. My mind is scanning interests and feeling desires. I want to find a really good italian restaurant. I need an authentic chinese food place (when you see grouper on the menu you're usually in). I want to start taking real pictures again. I can't wait for the NBA season to start. I buy Hagen Daaz strawberry icecream regularly now. I threw my top sheet away and even seperated them in the linen closet. I only need the bottom sheets. I sleep naked with a small light comforter and have learned how to launder it delicately so it stays fresh. Half of the indoor plants made it. I realize I have to re-pot somewhere and give them some fresh soil. I'm looking around the house. I'm looking around the house and seeing that ITS A MESS! Why do bits of sauce and stuff land on cupboards a mile away and how do you ignore that stuff until one day you see it and go OMG!
In and amongst all the painsticks I recognize the freedom and I realize it's going to be a journey to actually live the authorization that I enjoy this freedom. You see I have an advantage many do not. Not only has my 'normal' been blown completely away so that I don't have that viewpoint; I have a close friend who has wrestled with serious mental/emotional issues for some years now.
I have learned something from that combination. He is looking for the problem. I know I am the problem. He looks in pharmacies, in phyciatrist offices, in yoga, in energy drinks. I look in the mirror and my search is over.
Like the person who starts seriously working out is going to get fit and the person who starts seriously learning how to play the piano is going to get better, I am enjoying myself more as I learn what that is. And while the three of us (me, myself and I - the good, the bad, and the ugly - my pain, my child, and practical guy) have some lively debates much to the consternation of the checkout lady - we get that if we want a fresh pot of coffee at 4 in the morning that's ok and if we want to stay up all night or suddenly get in the car and drive until dawn and eat at the greasiest looking diner, that's ok too. All I know is that the cats and the houseplants are all saying "You go girl". Why they're saying that is unclear but sometimes you just have to let it roll.
Thank you OKrose for asking about me. I hope that life is treating you as kindly as possible. Please don't encourage the zoo animals; but, since you already have I'm off to pollute the 'spouse in residence' thread.
So sorry to hear that your wife is worse. It sounds like your house is getting crowded (me, myself and I- the good, the bad, and the ugly - your pain, your child and the practical guy)! You will have to triple the food budget for more than just the cats. I sure know about tornados since I live in an area called tornado alley. You would think that a tornado that hit Canada and OK (Oklahoma) would have made the news!!!!
I am so sorry Wolf that things are more difficult. I read an article in which a widow said that while she knows intellectually that her husband is gone, the heart and the body are slower to get the message. I am guessing that it is much the same with the loss of placement and the loss of the living person. I also like just going when I want to but it is still hitting me over and over that Gord is gone and I will never see him again. It is not getting easier.
Wow, Wolfie!! You could have been living in my head these past days...so much of what you have said swirls around me too...However my LO is at home and I am not yet at a point where I can discover what I want to do....other than I know I want to get my camera gear out and go on shoots...
I must be the "guy" trying to figure things out going to doctors, trying different self help methods to get things figured out...my doctor yesterday put me on Lexapro to settle the anxiety that has got out of hand...
You say so well what so many of us feel and are unable to put pen to paper or fingers to keys to express with such flourish/
Most of us feel about the remarrying thing like you do now...but then there is always the never say never adage....All we can do in the end is try to be happy.
I am sad to read the update on your sweet wife...and I found the comment about cleaning interesting...I get it....I see things of my DH that once upon a time I wanted to donate,get rid of but he put his big size 8 wide down...and now that stupid white elephant is something important to me now while he could care less about it....what a crazy thing that is....
This is what I've been saying all my life. I may be bad but my wife is worse. Boom boom. One in row. Wait, isn't this the vaudeville stuff I do that got me into trouble with friends in the first place? They didn't like that I had a t-shirt made for her that said "I am not a space alien". My wife loved it (because it was a nice pink colour). But they felt the need to lecture me that things like that weren't done. Well they are.
Let me tell you something about your tornado alley. The northeastern edge of the greater ohio plains ends about a hundred miles north of me. That's where the laurentian shield of endless square miles of granite breaks the surface. Your storms - not our storms where we get blamed for every snowflake you guys see - but your storms - go sailing clear across Illinois, Indiana, Michigan or Ohio, and come sailing right across the great lakes where the list of tornadoes around here seems to grow every year.
And let me tell you what does not make the news. Anything that happens in Canada. Even professional newscasters nod off half way through. "And now, up in Canada, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." "And the Queen is visiting zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." And even though your secret plan from 1935 to invade Canada (should the need arise) which was recently published up here was roundly acknowledged as having pretty good information about what's up here - we know it's rubbish because you'll never find us. Invading Canada is like eating a large bowl of peas with a knife. You're going to be a while.
The cats budget was all quality no quantity. From 67 cents to 1.49 for a small tin of Mack&Jack where they look around when they're done and check each other's bowls afterwards. Peking duck with rice. Tuna and shrimp where you can see the bits of shrimp and the tuna is tunalike. These vagabonds are actually happier and more full of energy on this ritzy diet. Rats!
I've always been told I say stuff others don't. What I know is that people just up and tell me their darkest secrets for some reason. "I have a real fondness for shoes you know." Really? How lovely. But I do get into trouble all the time. At a dinner party where the spirited conversation touched on internet porn, I mentioned tripping over disney porn in some history search and the conversation came to a screeching halt while a large pervert sign grew out of the top of my head. I shelved the Betty Boop story along with the adventures of Cinderella and the seven dwarfs (I know I know), the Flintstones, the Jetsons, the Simpsons, and the outrageously dominant single thing searched on the internet and estimated about half were liars and the other half should get out more. Or once even.
I lost a job mooning a double decker Amtrack train in front of 200 people on the Colorado river outside Aspen once. "You might have thought of your career first." the upset exec turned around and hissed at me in the breakfast line the next morning. I was noticeably the center of attention at the conference. The ass from Canada who can't hold his liquor. Quite right. I've never regretted it. I'm drowning in memories that make me smile even while my gut churns. I don't mind. For whom does your gut churn? It churns for you. Those around me sometimes worry about me. but the only thing that would worry me is if I did NOT feel this way.
The saddest thing I can conceive is that a person has no happy memories and one of the best things that's happened in these months alone is how many genuinely good memories I can find and how it feels being so motivated to think about what I am, what I like, what I actually think and want. As Mr Spock liked to say, "Fascinating". And as Practical Guy said about the strawberry icecream "put that on the list now". And like a conga line it went on into the wee hours...put that on the list now...put that on the list now...put that on the list now...
Mimi, I have not burned this place down. The trick is to set the bar really low. Tomorrow I plan to get up...somwhere (thunderous applause) and possibly eat (thunderous applause).
Wolf, Some days I can hardly stand myself, or I look forward and see such a grim outlook, day after day of cleaning up pee, or sitting with a man who has a grin on his face but blank eyes (oh by the way thankyou thankyou thankyou for taking that disturbing clown down)... but you are truly one of the few good things about this life, you make me laugh. So sorry about your wife's decline.
Last night on BOR onFOX ( think he is a rude gas bag but always want to know who his guests are) anyway, he has dumped the Pin Heads and Patriots for Tip of the Day...and last night he said something interesting. He has started a journal and in it at the end of the day, he jots down what was the best thing he did that day and what was the worst..( bet his worst is always interrupting his guests) and what he said is that after some time, we can start to see some trends about ourselves or our situation and make adjustments along the way.. For us that would be " One More Thing" but it might be a useful tool when we need the hubbster or the wife evaluated..then it would not all be negative...some bits of happy or fun news along with the real serious stuff..I might try it not only as relates to his ALZ but to myself in order to try to release the anxiety and stresses the doctors say is the cause of my migraines and the new buzzy sensations....if that does not improve then it will be neurologist time to see if it is a disc or something along those lines..
Hi there, I'm new to this forum although I have viewed it a number of times. I live in Alberta and have been on the Canadian forum for about a year. ( Actually Wolf you had given me some advice on the Canadian site last year and then Stijntje told me about this site) My DW was diagnosed with this horrid EOAD a year ago, although she could have been accurately diagnosed 2 - 3 years ago. ( Just like many of you it has been very difficult dealing with all the decisions involving the love of your life) My beloved and I are both 56 and have been married for 33 years and have 2 adult children. She has always been an anxious person ( due to a bad upbringing ) and I new she would "implode" by being evaluated ( I had her seeing our MD - Psychologists - etc. about 6 years ago as I thought she was depressed or something else, anything else but this .... Last Fall her symptoms were getting far worse and therefore I had to make the appointment to see our MD for a MME, ( My DW's anxiety spiked when our MD of many years started asking her the date what City we lived in, etc. - I new in my heart that this is how it would play out. Our very kind MD never used any scary words like that he was checking for signs of EOAD, just that he was going to ask her a few questions. Needless to say, there was very few questions asked as she broke down and had to take a Rivatril to calm down. After we had left the MD's office I talked by phone to him and he arranged for a CAT scan and also an appointment with a Neurologist. ( I had already done a bunch of research and had thought that she was in Stage 6 - The Neurologist confirmed that, along with the CAT scan ) Within 2 weeks of our visit to the Neurologist and prior to her being on any med's outside of Rivatril, my wife's anxiety was beyond handling and I had to admit her into the hospital for 6 weeks in order to get the right combo. of med's in her and right after that I had to have her placed in an Assisted Living Facility for people with AD or some other form of dementia. Personally that has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in life (to date)and it has taken me many months to accept the fact that I could not take care of her at home, just to anxious.
I also appreciate your writing style Wolf, this lousy disease is first of all no fun for our LO, but equally it is beyond no fun for us who remain.
welcome koda. good to hear you have been reading for a while. we see it everyday here how so many find the difficult times when having to place their spouse. you seem to have adjusted a bit since her placement. you will find lots of help dealing with the emotions, as so many are going thru the same here. divvi
I remember so vividly taking my wife to a mental test thinking she was suffering from depression and our GP visibly upset that she couldn't put the two hands on the clock anywhere near the clock. The pain of the realities we've all endured is great.
I'm sure you'll find that the Alzheimerspouse is a warm supportive place; but, you probably know that from reading. Welcome aboard.
I remember using flash cards and thinking that if I just worked hard enough, Gord would remember the things that he should. I have colour coded charts because I started to wonder if it was barometric pressure, lack of exercise, lack of social interaction, lack of sun. How hard we all try to reverse the inevitable.