I am dreading the thought of Thanksgiving. I used to have large family Thanksgivings. Can't do it this year . Too much work and am working ALL the time at my FT job and caring or finding care for my husband. Can't fathom traveling and no one is saying anything to me. Think I will end up with just the 2of us. Makes me so sad. Mourning my life and my husband. But it's all still there.
Judy-welcome to your new family. Yes-holidays are very hard. Consider buying some of the very nice prepared food and invite some folks in your community who may also be alone. Seems I always find strays who somehow brighten the day.
Are you still able to go out to eat? Treat yourself to a meal out on Thanksgiving. My sister usually cooks for us. I did it for years. But I have told everyone if she decides to not cook. We are going out to eat. Anyone who wants can join me and DH. (Funny, I just had to go back and change all the "I" to "we".) I already "think" of it just as me alone. :(
This is so hard. I often think, I am still alive, but for now I feel like I am not living. I am just in limbo, waiting for the very unpleasant end to a very depressing time.
Thank you for your kind responses. I am trying so hard to work my way through this . Not quite sure i can go out with just the two of usFeels too depressing. . I also feel like I am "waiting" . But in the meantime I'm just so tired. My husband is well into the moderate stage. I am trying to find activities for him with companions while I am at work. Every day is different so I never quite know how to plan or what to expect . Very happy to have found this outlet. Look forward to hearing more about your lives and how you cope
This Fall will be our first holiday season with Jeff at his ALF, but the 2 years leading to this were a gradual shift from freely attending family dinners, to leaving get-togethers early as he faded, to having them all here so I could put Jeff to bed early. It helped, of course, that I have family nearby, so there was no traveling needed, and no need to put anyone up.
I know what you're saying exactly though. It's the in-between time when you realize your regular life is over, caregiving is becoming more intensive, and you have absolutely no way of knowing for how long you'll be required to retreat into this isolated world. Any chance you could do something like have a quiet meal at home, then have a caregiver over while you go for dessert to someone's house who's having more people? Or put it in a different order? Sometimes, just getting out a little, and seeing people helps feed our sanity.
Thanksgiving meal was always a tradition-no changes made with menu since the children were small. Giving that up was very difficult. Chalk it up to another terrible loss. For me it helped to just pick up the pieces and go on. Now that my husband is gone we have picked up our traditional meal-with one empty chair. Each year it does get easier.
Judyhk, I am in the same boat. My DH is in the moderate stage, but I am being shut out. We moved to be closer to family from out of state and now they are going out of state for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It will just be the two of us! So depressing. I don't know if I am up to facing this Thursday....I just want to crawl into a hole and cry. I am so lonely....I left all my friends and my family has disappointed me. My husband and I are both lonely children so there is no sibling support either. I am hating life. I am only 64 and feel like I belong no where. Am I wrong for being angry and disappointed in kids?
I know how you feel. When I first moved to our new home two years ago to be nearer my daughter I felt that she didn't pay that much attention to me or my problems with my dh. But, her and her husband really out did themselves when Jim became much worse. My son-in-law stayed all night with me for over a week. They were then here every day, evening, etc. Now...that he is gone, they invite me to go out to dinner with them at least once a week. I think it is an adjustment for the kids too. We have to remember, they have their lives too and I know it hurts and disappointment sets in, but hang in there and give them time to adjust. It is hard for younger people to face these facts sometimes.
Thanks for your encouragement. I hope things will improve with time. I would never do anything to harm myelf but sucidial thoughts enter my head. I am sure that I am amIong the many here, but life is no fun anymore. My husband also has hypersexuality and is going to topless bars and spending money which is depressing me. He still drives and spends about $400 a week with nothing to show for it. He's even admitted this...flirts with the checkout girls at the grocery store, the bank tellers, but ignores me and locks himself in a t-v- when he's home. Is this the normal side of alzheimers?
"I would never do anything to harm myself but suicidal thoughts enter my head"??? If you in fact think these kinds of thoughts, please see your doctor without delay. I am on meds for anxiety and panic attacks now but I have never had harmful or suicidal ideation. You need support and perhaps some counseling and maybe some sort of medication to help you through this period.
If you have not been to an elder care attorney you need to see to that...being depressed about his behaviour is natural but you must grab hold of your financial situation NOW, get the money away from him, get him into the doctor and perhaps admitted for observation and med adjustments.
What your husband is doing is a part of ALZ but not all victims of this disease do these things. If your husband has not been seen by a doctor he needs to be seen now before he gets into trouble. Studay the resources listed on the home page here for suggested resources for help but get that help now for your sake!
Mimi....I dismiss the thoughts as my religious beliefs are strong. I do have anxiety attacks regularly and I am on meds for it. I don't like taking these and I will be seeing my doctor this week about my depression. Some is about my out of state move without friends...and feeling disappointed in my family (the reason I moved here....I may add they really encouraged this move and even picked out the house for me!) So you see this was discussed with them. I do need to see an elder law attorney, but in this state I need 3 medical doctors to say he's not capable. I believe he's in the gray area because he still operates a motor vehicle however I don't believe in another 6 months he will. If I take away his license he will continue to drive as he has told me so and then without insurance we could lose everything. Mimi thanks for you great suggestions! I appreciate your time and God bless you.
lonelyinphoenix. you are not alone and have this terrific group to help you though these difficult times. its my own opinion that this 'gray area' they find themselves in, between diagnosis, and still with it enough to get into major issues is the most difficult of times for us as spouses. losing family and friends is a constant among us as spouses dealing with AD. everyone has their own agendas and so we must make the best of coping alone. you have some good ideas here about how to get started on a better avenue dealing with your own depression. do see your dr and express your concerns. you must get a handle on your own feelings then you can tackle how to best deal with what your concerns are about your spouse. you didnt say whether he is on medications or have an actual diagnosis *unless i missed it in another post) but its crucial you make contact with a dementia specialist in your area and see if you can see how best to proceed with getting medications if hes out of control. hypersexuality is and can be a definite symptom of early or even late dementias. set up that appt with a certified elder law atty now and try to get control of finances. there are many stories here of folks who find out too late that savings and bank accts have been devastated by spouses out of control. its difficult but not out of reason that you can get durable power of atty as well over financial and personal situations now. the atty can help you with this. use whatever fiblets (white lies) to get what you need from spouse to cooperate. these times are so very stressful as our abilities to get control and medical evaluations are so trying with our spouses who arent willing. there is alot of topics here on how to get your spouse evaluated early on. sounds like with his spending sprees on porn and bars you need him on meds to help curtail this behavior. but i know they can be very uncooperative. many of us have opted to get the meds with a good dr who understands and find a way to get them to take them crushed into foods they will accept. so sorry you are feeling depressed and alone but its a step in the right direction that you see your own dr and get yourself in a better mental outlook, then you can tackle the other problems. divvi
Divvi thanks for the encourage and words of wisdom! In answer to your question...DH is has had his zololf (anti-depressant) increasing recently from 100 mg to 150 mg (Previously I thought 100 mg was the top)...he takes namenda twice a day...morning and night along with weekly medical vitamin D. He is now seeing 2 physiologists and 1 psycharist along with an primary care physician. They test him last week so shortly hopefully I will where we are at. The money is a mess...I am afraid of losing everything as we all when the time comes to place him in a nursing home. He has stocks and bonds (don't know if he still does) which are left in my name and refused years ago to set up a will. He is so withdrawl from me and others now....why do they withdraw. About his hypersexuality...he has been wanting to get something for ED but is hypersexual....go figure! I am afraid he will go down the library and order some on line with his credit card as he can't get on my personal computer. I have it set where he can't because the last one he used for hours at a time on porn sites while I was even home! Said he was just "noisey" about it. The stuff I saw was the worse you can imagine! Thanks so much everyone for the thoughful insite. I appreciate that I have this as a sounding board as no one else wants to hear our journey though the scary demented world of alzheimers. PS I have never formerly been told DH has alzheimers! But his actions and medicines tell the diagnosis.
if it were me, i would make a list of your concerns and get that list to his medical drs. the primary and psychiatrist for sure. this is something that should be addressed, as with the loss of inhibitions he can get himself into big trouble. think sexually transmitted disease or trouble with an unwanted sexual advance. with a list from you about your concerns to his drs you should be able to make some progress here. if the drs dont want to cooperate it wouldnt be a first that we have to look for drs who 'get it' with early dementias. a good certified elder law atty can direct you with advice for the state you live in. dont wait get that going. if hes on dementia meds, it may be enough for you show his prognosis and get your financials under control. at all cost you must get a durable power of attorney any way you can. it will allow you full access for any modifications you need to make financially in the future. without a will, you will have issues to deal with unless you are designated beneficiary on all his assets. go thru everything you have and make sure thats done. the attys will help you do this. its money well spent for peace of mind.
dont know if you can put a very low limit on his credit card but i would try. if not he could run it up in notime. we must be proactive and try to get things under control however possible.
i hope you get some answers and help from the physicians. if all else fails, some here have opted to go ahead and get guardianship over the spouse thru the courts. its expensive and may not be viable timewise yet, but its a thought for futures once you get a diagnosis. its crucial to get a drs firm opinion he is out of control and unable to rationally care for his needs and decisionmaking.
As far as the withdrawls from us and in general, the lack of apathy that comes with this disease is unsurmountable. they just lose all empathy and caring and it becomes quite an issue of introvert. they could care less about everyone else only what they want and their pleasures. its very common we have topics here on this subject. i will see if i can find some for you. good luck.
lonelyinphoenix, this is pretty bad. I think you should talk with your daughter about your isolation since moving. You need to do it in a way that she isn't put on the defense. Simply stating that you are unhappy and isolated without mentioning her support (or lack of) could be a good start.
As to driving. Does your husband have an official dementia dx? If so, does the insurance company know about it? If he does have the dx and the insurance company doesn't know, they can refuse to cover any accident he is in. Which will lead to financial ruin. Some insurance companies will cover someone with dementia, figuring that if they have a license it isn't too bad. But they need to know.
It is best if a doctor tells him that he shouldn't drive, not you. Even if the doctor can't take away his license, getting him to tell your husband might work, though it sounds like this won't be enough.
As to getting him to stop driving if he has no license or insurance. This is a tough one. Does he have his own car or do you share one. If he has his own disabling it/hiding the keys. If you share then you need to hide the keys.
Are the local police aware of your husband's dx. If not, they should be notified so they can act appropriately if he ever does something that can lead to arrest. Also, if he shouldn't be driving you can arrange to call them if he gets in the car.
How are your bank accounts set up? If the money is in joint accounts can you set one up in your own name and transfer most of the money to it?
Dear Paul C---you are giving me lots of to think about. DH doesn't not have an offical dx however, I believe because he recently had about a 2-3 hour cognitive test done last week I will know where we stand as far as a dx or staging. Yes, he owns his own vehicle...and at times he's very clever (his son is a mechanic and in deline) about his father. HIs son hasn't spend enough time with him to realize the current situation. My dil is working out of state (voluntary and they don't need to money) on a strike for Thanksgiving. Then for Christmas my son and DIL will leave here and spend the Christmas with her family. All she said about the holidays before I moved was "oh I can't wait to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with you. It will be so nice you live close now." Actions speak louder than words! DH family hasn't assked us about Thanksgiving! Can you believe this? It's no lost as his son is a complete ass and every other word out of his mouth is f--- this and he's very racial too. Guess I'll just suck up the holidays again like I did before I moved here! :(
Money--- Because this is a community property state our money is together however, I do have mine own checking account. If my DH would be involved in any physical attack on me I would notify the police immediately as I will not be placed in danger and I would have the police contact his shrinks.
Thank you everyone for your concern. It's a wonderful sounding board so much care and support here!!!!!! Love to you all! Thanks
lonelyinphoenix, I wanted to comment about calling the police. You should never put yourself in danger and if you have to call the police for your own protection, then do it. BUT, understand there are consequences to calling the police. If they come they will most likely charge your husband with domestic abuse even if they KNOW he has dementia. They will either take him to jail or if you're lucky, they will take him to the local hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. If the police file domestic abuse charges on your behalf (they did when I called them-they arrested DH, took him to jail and instituted a 72 hour restraining order) then you will most likely have to appear in court and hopefully can comvince the prosecutor to drop the charges.
I now have my husband on record with the police department as having progressive dementia and have advised that I if I call I want him to be taken to the hsopital, not arrested for domestic abuse. The laws vary from state to state so it would be advisable for you to call the local police, or visit, and discuss with them how they would handle the call and where they would take your husband.
I share this with you not to disourage you from calling the police if you're in danger, but so you have a better understanding of what could happen if you need to. I wish I had known when I had to call the police what would happen.
I don't know what state you live in...but, I am in a community property state also and it doesn't protect you or your assests from being responsible for your husband financial situations or against lawsuits, etc. In my state I had to put some property I had in a special trust in order to protect it as my "personal property". The house we lived in could not be protected from being part of community property because we both lived in the house. and if someone sued us they could have gone after our house if they needed to regardless of whose name it is in.
After I learned of the liability I would also have to be a part of if my dh had an accident in the car, burned the house down, etc. who knows what. We immediately went to an elder attorney and moved most of our assests into trusts. Also, I immediately told him I would never get in the car again with him driving and told him we could lose everything if he had an accident. It was less then a week and he told me he was through driving.
I also cancelled the credit cards and took out new cards in my name only...and I transferred most of our money into an account with just my name and the Trust officer in case something happened to me. I had a friend and her husband charged over $3,000 worth of goods he purchased from the Home Shopping Club on TV while she was gone shopping for about 2 hours.
Another problem with this horrible condition. It can change on a dime. You have to take charge even though your dh might object and you don't want to. One day they might seem fine and by night fall...they can't walk a straight line. One day they know how to use the bathroom and the next day they don't. On and on...it isn't easy for any of us...but, in some ways it almost gets easier as they get worse. Please keep us posted and I am so glad you are going to see your doctor. You will get stronger as time goes on and once he gets a true dx then I think you will feel better.
lonelyinphoenix, I called the non emergency number of our police department & told them that my husband has Alzheimer's & I asked what they do in a situation when the spouse would call 911 if the person with AD would get violent. I asked if they would take them to jail or to the hospital. The very nice lady who I spoke with told me that it would depend on the situation, but they usually transport the person to the hospital. She then told me that I really didn't have to wait until that happens & that I could go down to the district court & petition to have him evaluated at the hospital & when it was approved a police cruiser would come & pick him up & take him to the hospital. It was good information, although I didn't need him evaluated at the time because he wasn't violent (at the time). Maybe you should call your police department & see what there policy is.
LTF, JudithKB, and ElaineH...I appreciate the advice about checking with the local police in my area. I don't want him arrrested for domestic violence only evaluated at a hospital if and when DH would escalate to the point of my physial safety. He verbally is abusive and I have seen his hands raise (hesisating to not hit me) and watching the gears going in his head. I believe that it will reach this point in time and I do need to be made aware of the laws. I just assumed that because of his illness they would transport him to a hospital....bottom line never assume!
What a terrible disease this is....so much worse on the caretakers than the dementia/altzheimers patient. They know not what they do to us. Life is a struggle now while they slip into their dementia coccoon. :( Thanks everyone for your input! Hugs
Lonelyinphoenix, having also had a spouse accused of domestic violence, it can be expensive but also force some issues. I think you need the dementia dx, my wife refused to go to the hospital and the police wanted to take her ther. They would have but social services wouldn't Agee. Since you are new to your state talk with the police to understand your state laws. Also talk with social services even if they can't do anything right now.
My reason for moving the money only had to do with removing his access to it. I understand about being in a community property state. JudithKB took the correct action. I haven't done so yet, this has not been a problem with L, yet. But I have moved most of the money out of her hands.
Paulc...I wish I could "move money", but has I may have mentioned earlier DH is in the grey area. Somedays he's very lucid and others not so Wonder why that is? He was a business exc, and had many employees under him so he's still use to running the show. He's very controlling which I attribute to his excutive position.
Tomorrow I will def. call the police department and find out more about calling them and the consequences that could be involved. However, the bottom line is my safety. He sleeps with a handgun by his nightstand. I l went to the local gun shop and had the pin filed down for my protection as two years ago he threatened to kill me. I called our local sheriff dept. and they did NOTHING! He said he only said this in jest however I saw the look in his eyes! I did file a police report but the nothing came of it! Seriously! He also had a brain hemmorhage 7 years ago (left frontal lobe damage) so life has been diffcult. That bought on huge personality changes along with a memory problem, but now they think it's also possibly alzheimers so we will see. I have noticed that he staggers alot. Is this a common thing with alzheimers?
I have so many questions and I have read so much on the internet, but the spouse's of the ill really are the most helpful. We all care a huge load on our shoulders. Our heal is ignored many times and they say sometimes the dementia spouses out live us! I can see why. This is a 24 hours a day 7 day weeks job with no pay, no reward, no vacations, but lots of abuse.
I will be glad to get on an anti-depressant but I am not too hopeful because this is not a chemical imbalance ...this is a life filled with litte joy so who wouldn't' be depressed. I think we would be stupid if we song though the day skipping jope and giggling. I don't sleep at night either. My mind is spinning, so disappointed in my son and his wife by encouraging me to move here only to be left alone with two major holidays nipping at my heals. I have only lived here 3 months so that's why I have no friends here. Gosh, I miss my friends :(
I am now really worried about you. Is the gun now inoperative? I guess you cannot get rid of it at this time because he would just buy another one.
The Sheriff's department behavior is abysmal. Threatening to shoot or harm someone is assault. Perhaps they are limited in what they can do in a "he said, she said" situation but I am also concerned that they didn't take it seriously.
The controlling part can be from his personality but also from dementia. If he is away of any loss he can become more controlling as a means of defense. The brain hemorrhage would bring FTD like symptoms, loss of inhibition and self control.
As to medications for yourself. An anti-depressant will not make you happy, it will make it easier to deal with the situation. If you aren't sleeping your ability to cope is severely hampered. I am fortunate in that I occasionally can't sleep from an overactive brain (usually after something happens that disturbs me) and having something to help me sleep is a huge help.
I have never looked at it as withdrawing. I think their worlds just become smaller and things outside their immediate space just does not exist sometimes. As far as the gun goes...I would just wait until he is asleep and take the damn thing, hide it, or have someone you trust keep it. Maybe you need to have a police officer talk to him about mishandling the gun. It's funny how they will listen to a stranger in authority before they will listen to us.
I have hidden the hand gun by the bedside ---but he said he'd tear the house into looking for it---I returned it to him and later took it down to the Bass Pro Shop where they filed the pin down so that it looks like a real gun, but can't fire. I also did get a file order number at the time incident happened. It's filed away. We have lots of shotguns in the garage, but they aren't over easy access as he need to get a ladder to get them. Of course, he can climb the ladder. These are not his, but my son's guns who lives in Germany. I hate having to store them in my house. My son will be visiting me the end of January so he will have to make other arrangements. At the time we stored them for him we didn't have a problem with DH. I sleep with my door locked in the bedroom and have a door to the backyard so I am able to escape if need be. Also, I sleep with my cell phone by my side. It's just the way it is...it's been like this for sometime. The plus side of moving here is that in my former state DH medical doctor was NOT an adocate for me and thought of me as the enemy. Funny but my best friend's aunto went to this same doctor (I learned of this later) and my friend was having the same problem with treatment for her aunt (her aunt had no children so my friend was the caretaker). Why or why can life be so complicate? I am very hopeful that DH will get some help here. Please pray that his physo. doctor will be made aware of just how bad it is under my roof We have an apt. tomorrow. Thanks everyone. I am so grateful that I have support in this room. This is a wonderful site with some amazing web- friends. Love each one of you!
I am certainly praying for you that the visit tomorrow will bring some help, it that is not enough to get help I do not know what is. Lonelyinphoenix, I send you good wishes and hope from Hawaii Island.
If you don't feel comfortable telling the Dr the problems in front of your DH, do as I do. I write down the major issues and hand it to the receptionist as we go in for a visit. The Dr looks at and I don't have to tell the whole story. Good luck on getting this addressed.
Is there any ammo for the shotguns? If so, get that off property. Even rent a storage area or take to police to dispose of them. If he can get the shotguns then assume he can load them.
Coco...thanks for the prayers from Hawaii...prayers for you too from "the Grand Canyon State"...MaryinPA, what an excellent idea. I can NOT discuss DH issues in front of the psycho Dr. but I will my concerns on paper and give to the receptionist as suggested. PaulC...yes the is ammo for the shotgus in the property. I can not rent a storage area because that is not allowed in this state. I can not have the police dispose of them as they don't belong to me but my son who lives in Germany. They total worth of his guns is excess of (just guess based on what son said) over $5,000. He will be visiting the end of January so he will have to make out storage arrangements or sell the. Paulc thanks also for your concern.
I am just so weary and disappointed that I moved away from my dears friends thinking my family would be here for me. I realize that they have their lives, but to run off during my 1st year moving here and during the holidays (and back from where I previously lived ) is hard so me to swallow! They may have to find a dogsitter for their 2 dogs while they vacation again. I must add this will be the 5th time since this August they have been out of town that I have watch their pets. Twice to Colorado, twice to California, and Christmas in Missouri.
lonely in phoenix, sending greetings to you and so sorry about your situation. We live in Idaho and of course have many weapons in house but dh has no interest in them and is as docile as a lamb...also so slow not a threat but my youngest son took a couple of the rifles with him when he left anyway. If he is a threat I would definitely make sure they are all unloaded and hidden. Maybe take all the ammo and put in trunk of your car ... separate them. Of course he can always buy more ammo and guns. Maybe you could buy a gun safe and put everything in and then hide key.
I have been thinking about the Holiday situation and almost everyone being so stressed over it. I am wondering if part of the stress is about our "losing control" of the situation. Most of us used to have the "gathering place for our immediate family" along with choosing the meal and buying gifts for our young children. Gradually, year by year, all that drops away - one season at a time. We are no longer the "gathering place" and have lost our control. My dh was always depressed over the Christmas season and looking back I think it may because I did all the preparation including buying the gifts and he had no purpose, or thought he did not. His attitude and lack of enthusiasm also effected me and our children and we have talked about it recently.
Until my Mom was older, her home was our gathering place and we were there every Thanksgiving and Christmas until she moved in with me. Then my home was our gathering place until dh passed 3 years ago. Immediately, I asked my daughters, who live near me, if they wanted to host the Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinners at their homes and they have since then. I lost control of the holidays, by simplifying my life. I stopped buying gifts for my children several years ago after I could no longer choose something they enjoyed. I stopped buying gifts for my grandchildren several years ago - after they were over 12 and gifted them with cash on Thanksgiving Day for them to choose their own gifts. This was after I kept finding gifts I had bought - unused - in garage sales. I still do that today and today I stopped at the bank for cash gifts. I am an only child so I have never bought gifts for others than my immediate family. Now, I fix a small gift basket for my friend and PCP and my hairdresser and that is it. You would not believe how much stress that relieves. I was thinking this morning as I was doing last minute grocery shopping for tomorrow's dinner at my daughter, how much I now enjoy the holidays. I enjoy the pretty decorations, the happy people shopping, the bargains (for myself), the Christmas music and even the Salvation Army volunteers ringing their bells. My contribution for tomorrow's dinner will be a tossed salad and buttered corn. How simple is that - and I don't have all the kitchen mess and exhaustion.
I have been thinking this morning that I might suggest next year our entire family sign up for the local "Turkey Trot", 3 mile walk/jog event on Thanksgiving morning and I will host buying lunch for everyone at some place is open. Either that or volunteering to help serve Thanksgiving dinner at one of the local sponsors of the dinners. 2 grandchildren have done the turkey trot for 2 years so why not go as a family. I know you cannot do this now while your spouse is still needing constant care but start thinking about making Thanksgiving and Christmas YOUR special days now and do what you want to do. I have greatly reduced decorating because I seldom have visitors. I do enjoy putting up a few outside decorations - just for me. Oh, I also have 8 Christmas trees in my house and on my porches - just for me. Most of them stay up - undecorated - all year. I love them.
I realize I have 2 of my 3 children living near who are very supportive and I do REALLY appreciate them but those of you who don't have supportive family nearby, start now to make Thanksgiving and Christmas YOUR day. Buy yourself gifts, buy a bright fresh flower bouquet. It will make you smile, and smiling is good.
Happy Thanksgiving and I am so thankful to be alive and living in the United States of America.
lonelyinphoenix, you are in denial (sorry to be so harsh). Once your husband can't control himself (porn,looking for hand gun, etc)he is no longer capable of driving and certainly all handguns or shotguns/riles should be removed from your home. For those of us who have been on this journey looking back, there's no such thing as a "gray area"- we only think "he's not that bad, or it's not that progressed" because WE can't admit it to ourselves how impaired they are. I too thought my husband was in a gray area even after he got lost in his car for 14 hours and apparantely drove 350+ miles during that time. I allowed him to continue driving because he could go somewhere and come back within the appropriate timeframe. Then all of a sudden one day he went to the grocery store (didn't tell me he was going) and 14 hours later I got a call from the state police 120 miles away that they stopped him from going through a toll booth the wrong way.There's no such thing as a gray area-he can no longer manage to drive and navigate safely.
Have your son emai or call you and the local police that he wants them to confiscate the guns/ammo from your home and keep them safe until he returns in January. Making excuses for having guns in your home means you are okay knowing that your husband may use them against you or someone else. That is TOTALLY NOT acceptable. He is sicker than you think and your life can be in danger. Yes, right now you probably are angry with me and want to dismiss what I say as being unkind or hateful but trust me I have been where you are, didn't want to hear it (thankfully no guns involved) and chose to ignore advice from those who came before and paid the price. Don't make the same mistakes I did.
LFL....I totally agree with you...Phoenix seems to be in denial. I was in denial early on and then my daughter got tuff with me and I learned putting my head in the sand and not taking control of the situation was not helping my dh and it was killing me. Guns is something that cannot be dismissed at all. I hope Phoenix calls the police or get those guns out of the house one way or another. First we have to accept that this is not the man I knew a year ago or maybe a month ago...and he can change on a dime......this man is very ill...and I have to be in charge. He can no longer be in charge because he is ill. This is a tuff road and we all have had to face these facts. But, in the long run it pays off to get a handle on the situation. Hope you all have a safe holiday.
Grendelmas2 thanks for your support! Coco your prayers for today with the psy. doctor was so appreciated. Imhor what wonderful suggestions to enjoy the holidays! I love the idea of treating ourselves to a special gift!
Todays medical apt was very positive! I did manage to slip a note to the doctor as DH and I exited the office (I wasn't able to prior to the visit) listing several main concerns which have been addressed on this site. DH has two psy apts. next Tuesday with 2 other psychologists.
Several people have said I am in denial. Those of you who believe so do not know all the facts. The doctor's are currently evaluating DH's state of mind. All 3 psychologists seem to have a good handle on the situation as DH is receiving several opinions of his mental state. Between the 3 psy. doctors and an internist I am confident that they will increase his medicine to control anger management ect. I am not in denial because I am actively advocating cognitive testing, medicines, and seeing that the doctor's are made aware of the situation . In fact, I am the only family member who is taking an active role. Until you know all the efforts I have taken, all the advocates I have seen, and all the money I have spent to get the medical treatment for DH rash judgement has been made.
I appreciate each and every response however, necessary steps to control and obtain guardenship can not be done overnight. Remember I have only lived in this state 3 month. For this to take place (guardenship and revoking driving privildges etc.) a patient must be evaluated and judged incompentant by a court appointed judge and 3 medical doctors must concur the mental status of a patient . These are the laws of the state in which I am domicile. If this was not the case, people would be randomly making false accusations to control an individual. This is to protect the innocent. Sorry folks ...I didn't make the law. I am simply following the legal procedures in a timely manner. If this is "denial" I am guilty.
My comments were in no way meant to offend you. You and you alone, are the one that knows your dh better then anyone. I only speak from my own experience which was my dh also had 2 different neuro, VA dr. and family dr. who kept telling me my dh was not as bad as I was thought he was. He had 2 mri amd 2EEGs which showed little to nothing. He had so many of those congnitive test that also showed little to nothing. I was told by the drs as well as family and friends. "He isn't that bad"... When I kept telling them he was really bad and getting worse. When his VA dr. said he wanted him evaluatved by Hospice I agreed and the main nurse as well as the doctor immediately told me he wasn't bad at all and it was doubtful that they would be able to renew their stay. When they would check him twice a week he always had great vital signs, smiled, talked to them and I would point out various strange things he was doing they looked at me like I was nuts. They told me he had a long way to go and would get a lot worse in probably 2 to 3 years. This was last April and I told them no he was much worse and he would not make it to the end of the year. Well...he died August 28, 2012. They were floored. But, I was not floored at all. Because I knew the man he was and the type of work he did and he was not that same man at all. I was the only one that saw most of the changes in him because they never knew him as a "normal" person.
Everyone is different and all the tests in the world do not tell the whole story....at least that is my experience and I am a firm believer that it is what we as caregivers see, that is most important, because we know what they were and what the difference is in their behavior. Basically, you are the most important factor in judging your dh's behavior changes.
The gun situations is what I would be very concerned about and you can never under estimate how fast or how sudden changes can happen in their behavior. My dh also had 2 guns...he kept telling me someone stole them. I knew that wasn't true. I looked high and low for them. Well...I finally found them about 2 weeks ago. He had them in the bottom of his golf bag with his clubs on top of them. He had even called the police twice and wanted me arrested because I wouldn't give him his guns. Fortunately, the police understood and told me if I found them to bring them to the police station because there was no way he should have any guns in the house.
Any comments that are made here are not meant to offend. They are coming from people who have been though this for several years and understand how difficult a job the caregiver has and they are only meant to help you understand how this condition is so totally different then anything most of us have ever experienced. Many of us were also in denial for the first several years so that is not said to offend you, but to maybe give you support and maybe take a different look at the changes in your dh. Bottom line...you know him better then anyone and there is no two AD people alike.
Also...I for one was concerned for you and your health. Your dh is going to be needing you more and more and you need to stay stronge and healthy and take care of yourself. You are so important to him. I am sending Hugs to you and I know you will know what is best and we all want your dh to have something that is treatable. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
JudithKB I am sorry for the lose of your husband. I appreciate your time sharing your journey though the dismal road on alzheimers lane. I understand the tests don't show the total picture. DH has had tests in the former state and his overall scores weren't bad. They didnt line up with what I was seeing. The doctor thought is was lying about his stat of mind. As we know, the patient of alzheimers can be masters of deceit. They learn early on to cover by using word substitues and lying. I have sat and heard DH bald face lie to the medical doctors, but I truly believe they our convinced their lies are the truth. We are the enemy .....the thief...the person cheating on them ect.
My DH also has had several MRIs of the brain which showed zippo. DH had a high IQ and was in upper management prior to the onset of this disease. Your spouse probably also was intelligent and so as his mental/ emotional declined he still preformed better than the average. Because they were higher functioning prior to the unset of the disease the total picture of their mental status didn't look as dramatic. Does this make sense?
Speaking of emotional IQ ---the alzheimers patient in the beginning won't act out in public as in the corners of the home. We see them 24/7 ...the doctors, medical staff, nurses see them only 1 hour at most once every week. My input with the doctor is being looked at more than it was in the previous state so this is making me more positive. The former internist in Missouri would listen to my input and believed all of DH liars. I may add...that DH looks at me with hatred. I am to him the enemy! For many years, since his left frontal lobe injury, DH has not shown me and attention. The things he loved in the past he shows no interest in. He had no interest prior to the brain bleed in religion and afterwards became a religious zelot. He devoted hours and weeks during volunteering for his church. The nuns and priest thought DH was the golden child as he had them fooled. He mastered them into thinking whatever he believed. I may add this was the same time frame he threathened to harm me. "I am going to kill you...you little bitch" I spoke with his priest and the priest stored the guns for DH. Then several months later the priest returned the guns back to DH without my knowledge! Needless to say, my respect of this Priest was nill. DH fooled him also!
JudithKH I am in no way angry with you. As I have mentioned in several posts I appreciate all input! I am also concerned for my well being, as we all should be. Losing our spouses to this disease can suck the life out of us. I lost my former hubby at 42 a closed head injury (auto accident). He was in a coma for over 6 months and came out of it a changed man. He lived his remaining years in his early 40's in a nursing home in an alzheimers unit. I have travelled down this path before, but never though when I remarried DH would I being wandering down it again. People say I am strong. I am not strong ...I am only a survivor as we all are. We have no option to give in or give up. I will continue down my path with DH and continue to press on until he receives the adequite care necessary. I owe it to him and I owe it to myself.
Thanks JudithKH...may your holidays be safe and your house filled with joy this season. (PS ---many typos----this a new computer and my first lap..the keys are jumping all over the place and btw, I need a spell -check--lol)
A good friend of mine had a neighbor who had AD as she got worse her daughter moved in to help her and keep up with her. One night the daughter woke up to see her mother standing over her with a large kitchen knife. The mother thought the daughter was a stranger and had broken into the home. Thank goodness the daughter woke up in time.
They had just had a nice dinner the evening before and all seemed as well as could be. The daughter did not see this coming.
lonelyinphoenix, we do not want to hurt your feelings, we just want to warn you that things can and do change in the blink of an eye.
You said yourself that he verbally is abusive and you have seen his hands raise. The part of his brain that makes him not hit you, could go any time and you not know it, We just want you to be careful and be safe. No one wants to hurt your feelings. You have been hurt already. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you well in finding the right way to care for your DH.
Phoenix, I too had no intention of hurting you but as JudithKB* said, I have been down this path as well and I am concerned about your wellbeing. Perhaps I could have been more diplomatic in my post but as others have said, the person with dementia can change in an instant and you certainly could be at risk, particularly with guns in the house. Really, they can no longer reason.
I am not challenging the efforts you are making regarding his medical care...I am sure you are doing all that is possible and getting him the best care. But you live with him and know him best and therefore know what he's capable of and how much the disease has changed him. The behaviors you mention can have dire consequences for you and speaking from experience there will be no warning when he actually does hit you (which I pray never happens). I too want you to be careful and safe. As blue says, you've been hurt enough already.
As is so evident, this place is such a 'family'!! Even when you are feeling so alone, everyone here is there for us, watching out for each other, not even knowing us. All the suggestions we receive are from those who are and were in a similar position, and are only doing what one of the reasons for this site is for, sharing so we can benefit from their knowledge and experience, even the really bad ones. If it doesn't apply to you, it may be helping one of those who only read this post and don't participate. (like I used to do). Sharing your situation triggers these suggestions, and hopefully, from them, we can glean the helpful ideas that might help our own situation. In any case, I have learned that from this site, no one is pointing fingers, but rather offering an open hand to talk and work out our troubled thoughts, and lovingly give suggestions for us to ponder. I am so grateful to everyone that is sharing these most difficult memories and experiences. Thank you so!! I wish you all a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!
I couldn't have said it better, janny. We also have a rope which we tie knots in to help each other 'hang on! IThat rope has helped me many times! I am grateful to everyone here - and to come after us.
Wishing all of you the best holiday you can have. I know it is hard to find many things to be thankful for when dealing with AD, but know that I am thankful for all of you.....
Yes janny that is so true! ALL of us benefit from what each other has to say here. Sure, maybe we are not in the same situation, yet it can change in a surprising flash. Our VA social worker told me of two cases, one, where the senior woman was taking care of her AZ husband, in their late 70's. She was all set up, ready to hold on to the end. He was always a kind and patient man with little temper. Then one day out of the blue he grabbed a knife and tried to slash her. Thank God she got help in time and he is no longer home.
Then, and this one is something for us with younger spouses. (Mine is not really young, 61 or so when it started, but so many MUCH younger) She knew of man, 53, who was having problems at work, displaying signs of AD. He left work, and went on Aricept etc. Within a few months he was in the nursing home, and passed on less than a year later!
And janny, I am so glad you are posting now, I read your bio and you are an amazing woman, as you say to me, YOU GO JANNY! You deserve a massive caregiver award, and have my vote.
I am a bit of a grinch today, however I am so thankful for being able to live in Hawaii, to have the best foods to eat and such a great quality of life aside from our income status. I thank God for the smarts and the heart he gave me, to care. I am thankful to have gotten through the pits of lost hope this past year, and to be slowly re emerging in to the land of hope, and faith in humanity.
Happy Thanksgiving! For those of us who spent it alone (maybe along side the spouse of dementia/alzheimers) it was still basically alone. I am thankful that I have the ability and strenght to care for DH. God bless
I am in a funk right now. I hope getting back to teaching preschool this week will help. There are a lot of things that have put me here. Thanksgiving was great. The house was full, because the kids were hone for 5 days. But, then decorating made me sad. I said last Christmas I would not put lights out next year. Well, I didn't. DH is declining. He was antsy the whole time the kids were here. When they left, he was pacing and rummaging through things. He had headaches and felt sick, the day our daughter went to try on her wedding dress and could not go. I noticed he was having bathroom accidents also. He had had a few, but always takes care of it. I know that will not last long. It is sad to know that when you say this is the last time for something you know it. His words and conversation are becoming more difficult. I really am worried about the wedging next May. I know I will have a lot of help from family on that day. It is still sad. Just needed to post.
Blue, you gave me shivers!!! Probably about 15 years ago the same thing happened to me...with Lloyd's best friend's MIL. We went there for supper and the guys went to the garage to tinker with cars, and I went to nap in a chair. Woke up to the MIL standing over me with a big kitchen knife and her daughter screaming at her. I WAS GONE!!! Lloyd was perfectly well then. Who could have known??? I hide all my knives in a drawer and the knobs from my stove in the cupboard.
And Blue is right....there was a time Lloyd would have never said an unkind word to me or ever raised his hand to me. Well, guess what. It ain't that way any more. Good-bye, lovey and hello, Alzheimer's.