My dh hardly speaks to me. Most of each day is total silence. Very few words, and even then it's usually single words in answer to something I say. When we go out to eat, he puts his head down and eats w/o any conversation at all. I'm just so lonely. I've talked to him about it, and still it makes no difference. He will have a conversation with me if I bring one up and he's interested in what's being said. But it's w/o any emotion added to the conversation. Flat. Dead.
He's dxed with mci, although I'm sure he has FTD. It was a bad dx. Probably in stage 6.
It sounds more advanced than MCI, which is the early stages before it becomes Alzheimer's. What you are describing is typical as Alzheimer's (or FTD) advances. Talking to him about it is not going to do any good, as the nature of the disease makes it impossible for him to remember or understand.
Sad as it is, we are not going to get meaningful conversation from our spouses anymore. We need to find it elsewhere - friends, support groups. I joined a Mahjong group with women who have nothing to do with Alzheimer's - we have normal conversations.
Nothing can replace the talks we shared with our spouses, but finding conversation elsewhere helps a little. Check out these discussions about conversation:
When my dh was like that I would often talk about things from his past that he had told me he enjoyed....or some of the good times we had and at least I usually got a smile from him even though he didn't completely understand. If you try and talk about things in his past he might remember some of those things. They lose the memory going backwards. I even talked about things I had heard from him long before I knew him.
I understand how difficult this is...but, try and hand on to a hug or some form of touch that will let you know he is still a part of your life together.
Hanging On, no conversations here either. So I start them, try to jog his memory on subjects which were important, sing childrens song that I know he'll join in on and try to keep the communications open. Yes, it's lonely but I am still grateful he's home, knows me most of the time and is still healthy. That's almost enough.
No conversations going on here either. He cannot say more than yes, no or fine. He doesn't comprehend things that are said to him at all. We can go all day without him making a sound or with him just laughing at his reflection. He has FTD and can still dress, feed, toilet himself. He can shower with cues from me and still makes our bed every morning.
Deb, I'm jealous. DH has FTD but can no longer dress, toilet or shower without cues or help. Since swallowing has become an issue, he needs to be fed to control his intake-too much food in mouth cobined with swallowing difficulties makes for a serious choking incident. DH has FTD since 2008-probably in mid-late stage 6 equivalent on the AlZ scale.
We don't have swallowing issues here yet. I do have child locks on the food cabinets since he would eat non-stop. My husband was diagnosed in 2008 also and his progression right now seems to be more on the language and cognitive level rather than physically. He will be 63 this month. He is on aricept, namenda, seroquel, cymbalta and ativan. Most of the meds are for agitation.
Mostly silence here too. If he brings something up it will be a comment about politics he saw on the news. Or repeat something he has said numerous times before. But, then, we never have been good at having conversations unless it was talking about someone else at work, church, the neighborhood, etc. - rarely talked about us. He will talk when I start something but I often wonder how much he remembers or if he just is agreeing. My salvation is the 18 hours I work or if we stop to chat while walking around the park. He does chat with others when he goes walking while I work.
Hanging On, I know just how you feel. My husband is the same at the table. And recently he doesn’t start eating unless I remind him to. (sigh)
I was just thinking last week, “I need to find a social group or SOMETHING or my mind is going to shrivel up.” My youngest son is a senior in high school; next year when he goes off to college I will have no conversation at home. Scary. I think I am going to start volunteering for meals on wheels. I figure shut-ins would be just as starved for conversation as I am. Maybe we can talk ourselves silly :)
I agree that pointing out your DH’s silence will not help a thing, and will probably just make him feel badly. One of my older sons does that whenever he visits with us. He will keep asking his father “Why don’t you join in the conversation?” “Why are you so quiet?” “What’s wrong” etc, etc. My husband always gives him a “I don’t know what you’re talking about” look. Because he doesn’t. He’s not aware that he is not socializing, or that there is anything odd about his behavior. And there is no point interrogating him – because he can’t do anything to fix it.
The lack of communication hurts. It’s hard not to take it personally. But you just have to keep reminding yourself that it’s not personal.
Wish I could give you some great advice – but all I have is empathy. I feel your pain!
Not much meaningful chat here either...can't even tell what is on TV he is watching. But tonight I started to have some visual problem. Was able to get an eye appt tomorrow...from the sound of it the doctors said is sounds like opthalmic migaine...( looking it up, two contributing causes are lack of proper sleep and stress..duh along with some foods like MSG or chocolate..god not chocolate,,) and he was very concerned and said he would drive me to the doctor tomorrow. We started to get into the driving issue and I just told him he needed to stop now because this stress is going to make it worse. He honestly does not think he is the cause of my stresses..☹ I called my BIL who will arrive later tonight...he knows all the doctors here and can drive me back from the doctor and DH will want to go along so he can keep him company..
I found a doctor for myself by the way...she is conciegere doctor. I met with her for an hour the other day, just a meet and greet and do we make a fit patient to doctor. She detailed her method for practice such that she can limit her pt load and give her pts more of her time. She makes house calls and best of all, she has a number of pts that have various forms of dementia and therefore knows the stresses of caregivers...so I have a good feeling that my needs will be understood and not brushed off with a 10 minute peek and see ya..
But back to the chats....when we do have a conversation I have to start all over again as if it were a new topic with background he never had heard before..
Yeah, it gets lonely so for conversations at home I either talk to myself or listen to my head set radio and yak back at talk radio..
Mimi - sounds like what I get. A neurologist said normally people get it before migraines but in all the years I had migraines I never got the 'starburst'. It was about 12 years ago they started. When I start seeing 'stars' I say to myself 'I got another migraine'.
My experience with concierge doctors are on watching 'Royal Pains'. In a way, Marcus Welby, MD was one too.
the silence is almost eerie sometimes. The few times I tried to get him talk, especially lately, he just gets his words mixed up and does not know what I am talking about anyway. We live in the sticks, often I don't talk to anyone except for the occasional phone call. that is one of the reasons I like my Saturday market, company and chatting. Never knew how much I missed it.
EVERY TIME I ask him what he is doing, he says, getting the basket.
How I wish I could just get in his head for 10 minutes so I could see what it is like.
I guess I should not complain that my DH talks all the time.Its hard to read a book because of his constant chatter.I feel guilty because I would like some silence for awhile anyway.
I guess there isn't any “middle of the road”! When my DH talks he doesn't make much sense & when I talk to him he doesn't comprehend what I am trying to tell him, so sadly I don't talk to him much. I listen to audio books just to have someone talking to me (& I get to hear someone telling me a story!)
My DH does not talk much, either, if he does talk it is about the thing that went down the street or the thing that is going up and down. Most of the time I have no idea what the is saying. This morning he said 'can I have'' so I said 'can you have what' and he said, don't start that. So I said, 'do you want the paper'. The paper was right in front of him. There is a lot of guessing and responding and most of the time I have no Idea what we are talking about. Some of the time there is no one else to talk to unless we go to get the car fixed of get groceries. The annoying phone calls from people selling things and taking polls have even stopped.
I went to Radio Shack a few weeks ago to look at the phones & the 2 associates there were very friendly so we started talking & poor guys, I talked their ears off, but they were so nice. DH just stood there. I told them that he has AZ & thanked them for letting me talk. I think they were lonely too because not many people go to RS anymore to buy electronics. Lots of people order online.
Thanks much, everyone, for your helpful comments. I appreciate your taking the time to answer my post. It sounds like we're all in the same boat. But it sure is hard, isn't it. Gosh. Lately he's been "with it" when he DOES talk!, leaving me wondering if my thinking he's in Stage 6 of FTD is bogus. It's sure a baffeling disease. Of course, there have been times when his comments, when he does make them, are repetitive about things we've already discussed. Lately, tho, he's been lucid when he does make a comment. Mostly, tho, it's "yes, no, sure", etc. One word fillers to my comments. And then, there's more lengthy discourse, when he finds something he's interested in.
Hanging on - I like your name because aren't we all just trying to do just that. No conversation here, either. My salvation is a nightly call from a son and our conversation is usually about sports although he will ask how my day was. But I'd much rather talk sports than rehash by day. Dh was such a talker before all this and I miss his input when I have to make business decisions because we always discussed everything before we spent money. Also he was a problem solver and these days I have problems a plenty. My other conversations are with sister in ALF who has had several strokes and has aphasia so half the time I am trying to fill in the blanks when she tells me something about her toe when she means hand, etc. When I get a phone call I'm afraid I talk them to death before that can get rid of me.