Husband 3 years after diagnosis comes out of bedroom, sits down in front of me and complains that our love isn't what it used to be, and what's MY problem? He is right, I have a problem...I'm the one who lives with a very angry man. I think he is hard wired to be angry and I have dealt with it for 48 years. How in the world at this stage can I want to cozy up to someone who never has anything nice to say? I am doing everything possible to keep things on an even keel but I can't seem to get over my feelings. I find it very difficult to want to hug him or throw out warm fuzzies all day, which I know he needs. I believe he is in stage five, forgets everything but if he has something on his mind that is important to him, he doesn't forget so easily, he will obsess about it for days. I think I know what I should do, but I can't. Needed to vent......
Even when we have a DH or DW that has always been a joy, this disease does things that take that warm fuzzy feeling away..Take for example those who have the heavy task of constant pee and poop patrol, or just the constant nagging to get them into a shower or or brush the teeth. That part is not unusual. But your DH seems to have been the type of personality that has always been a high needs type and thus demanding in many ways.. you sound just tired and worn down. Don't blame yourself..Under the best of circumstances this disease takes the wind out of our sails and there are days when we all want to throw in the towel.. If your DH becomes aggressive or violent, you will need to take immediate action, call the police and get him in the hospital for evaluation. In fact even before it gets to this point, maybe a visit with his neuro is in order...maybe a med adjustment is in order now.
Good to see you back here. What you are experiencing is "normal" for AD, if there is such a thing as "normal". Most of us who have had long, loving marriages no longer feel the passion for our spouses. It's almost impossible when their personalities have changed so much, and we are tending to their needs as if they were a child. As many have said, how do you have romantic feelings after you've cleaned up a poop mess, been the object of angry rants, or explained something to their confused minds 20 times? Most of these guys aren't capable of performing bedroom duties, but for those who are - others may have suggestions how to divert their attention.
Just know that you are not alone in your feeliings.
earthangel, it is difficult for many of us spouses to have the "warm fuzzies" like we used to-for a variety of reasons. Underlying our feelings is that the person to whom we're married is no longer the person we married. They have changed because of this disease and out of survival we have too. The relationship is not and will never be the same. it is hard to love someone who is angry all the time, self-centered and demanding. Having said that, try to keep in mind that it's the disease, not the man. How did you cope with his anger all those years?
Yes, it's amazing they can remember something and obsess about it for days....just part of the disease.
My parents had what some might call a tempestuous relationship. There were frequent storms. They weren't dysfunctional they just had nothing in common with the black and white families portrayed on the TV as we grew up. There was one time when they both put each other into the hospital. Which all sounds not only melodramatic but dysfunctional.
But I didn't grow up in a family that was afraid of life. Those two taught me philosophy, religion, responsibility, handling money, internal strength, and self expression. Dad was voted the scariest dad in our public school at a 25 year public school reunion (I agreed), and mom was loved by absolutely everyone she met and was the peace maker. When they weren't laughing together she complained about him full time to the point both of us children supported her in leaving him which she never did.
When dad became sick we had to step in and mom had over six years without him in a great condo near my sister. She made friends easily and quickly had a new circle of people and things she did.
But she always cried easily about dad. She missed him more than my sister and I could understand. Because underneath what it looked like - he was her other half and he was missing.
I know you're just venting. I thought I would tell you some of my own story because I hear my own father in your post. And while I don't mean to imply there's any similarity, it doesn't hurt to hear what others have gone through either.
A couple of centuries ago I could have solved my mother's problem by arranging to have dad 'enrolled' as a ship hand. It was not uncommon for ships to replenish their ranks by being paid to relieve the community quietly of someone and put them to work once out at sea. The odds of ever seeing them again were slim. And life to me is so mysterious that if I had done that for my mother, it would have been the worst thing I could have done to her. The opposite of all appearance. She saved dad's telephone messages from the NH when he could still make them, and my sister and I finally cleared them seven years after he had died.
Mimi, Joan, LFL and Wolf, thank you guys for taking the time to help soothe my soul. And Wolf, it does help to hear other stories...mostly I just read and make no comments, but I do appreciate those that do. LFL, we were always at odds but he was the one who made me a better person, he always had my back even when we disagreed on things. His anger has always been an undercurrent but never was he violent. Now, he never seems to have a good word (unless someone else is around) and then his mood changes for the better. Joan, no poop duty yet, I don't know how I will handle that and have a smile on my face, haha. And Mimi, yes you hit the nail on the head, high needs type. A bit self centered and I think he would just be happy to have me stay in bed in the mornings. I can't just lay there while he falls asleep again, I can't...So, yes I am feeling guilty for not being the loving wife.
Wolf - sort of like your story, my parents rarely talked to each other. In fact, it was not until my dad was in his 70s he met a woman whom was the first time I ever say a gentle side to him and talk without profanity. She said she refused to answer him if he swore. Anyway, growing up I always tried to get mom to leave dad but she wouldn't. It wasn't until I got married she finally left him with the two youngest. They he was certain were not his since he had a vasectomy when he found out mom was pregnant with me. He always hated me and via him the razor strap and me become regular friends after Saturday night wrestling when my mom was out watching her boyfriend bowl. It was until my oldest sister insisted he get tested before she would take my younger sister. Test showed the vasectomy was not successful.
Anyway, when my dad died years later mom got really upset. I had no idea until I found out he died on their anniversary. Growing up it was never mentioned so had no idea when it was. He was 22 years older, so a big difference in their thinking. But, I think somewhere despite all his meanness he still loved him.
I have known other couples in relationships like yours and they have this love/hate relationship. But, when he gets sick and you become caregiver it totally changes. My husband was not mean but he was unfaithful years ago that we never recovered from. Because of that it makes it very hard to be affectionate now.
I also find it difficult to throw out warm fuzzies, so I feel guilty when my husband complains about my not being loving any more. I did finally tell him, sorry, I can't do it when I'm having to be caregiver. But what helped me most is something Emily wrote on her blog several years ago about how her husband's emotional receiver was broken. Even if she was warm, he didn't hear it because he didn't have the ability to read emotion any more. So he blamed her for not giving, when in fact the problem was his inability to receive, whether she gave or not.
Ha...I was about to say something, then Pam referred to my already having said it! Yes, they DO notice that the relationship has changed. And a big chunk of that is that in order to feel the mutuality of a relationship, you have to be able perceive the other person...and these folks with AD--they just can't. Yes, and of course as the relationship begins to nourish your emotional needs less and less, you do change. It's different all over the place.
I think that the time when they're living at home with you, still interacting, not needing gobs of care--but have lost so much of their ability to interact on the empathic plane--is in some ways the hardest time for you to feel nurturing and compassionate toward them. You just do your best, and sort of play-act if you need to. Act like a nice guy even if you don't feel like one, because they can't really tell the difference.