I am looking for advice on how to deal with your spouse's adult chilren. This is our second marriage each. My husband has AD and will be 80 in December. I am 64 and will be 65 in February. We've been together 20 years and married 19. He has 4 children, three girls and a son. They have never embraced me although I have worked at it a long time. The son comes out to help with our dock a couple times of year. He and his wife have one daughter 23. We weren't included in her graduation from college because my husband's first wife was going. I have kind of lost it with my husband's son's wife for her lack of empathy and said some things I probably shouldn't have.
My husband is a wonderful man and was a good father to his children. But things happened in their marriage and they ended up getting a divorce. This was several years before I even met him. I have told them about his diagnosis. They act like nothing is wrong and I am being a big baby because I am upset. They have not shown any empathy or support toward me. I find I don't need to feel angry (I have enough to be upset about) or expect anything from them after all this time, but I don't understand how they can be so unfeeling and casual about their father. My family is very close. I have two grown sons who are a help to us so for that I am grateful. I know I can't fix his family's baggage and I know I don't have the emotional strength to be upset with them. He has had a half way remote relationship with his son and one daughter. He told the doctors testing him "my children are independent - so I don't really feel that close to them." Any ideas or suggestions would be most welcome.
No suggestions - but I am in the same boat, so I completely understand.
It seems a lot of people in a second marriage have problems with their spouse's kids. My husband has one daughter, who lives several states away from us. She never visits, and she knows we can't travel due to DH's MS. It is almost 2 years since we last saw her, her husband and their two kids. Every once in a while -- when she has an ulterior motive -- she pretends to want to get close to me. But I can see right through her. It's all about money.
My two girls are the opposite. They love DH - he is the father they never had. [Their father was very distant and neglectful, though they tell me he is trying to make up for it now!] He loves them too, and often would say that they showed him what he was missing in his relationship with his own daughter.
I agree with the above comments. Often times the children from the first marriage feel ill towards the wife/husband that is the partner of their natural parent. I do not think there is any way to solve this problem. Just try to be nice and fair and let the chips fall where they may. I for one will not be sucked into any of this ill feeling that is going on now from his boys. They paid little attention to him during his illiness and often times before that. I plan on just totally ignoring them and if they happen to contact me all I am going to say...direct your contact to my attorney and will e-mail them the address of my attorney.
No experience with step kids but we two adopted kids. They are both absent in our lives and I love it. They added so much stress to our lives - I am glad they are mad and won't contact me. With their father they won't call because, according to them, they are afraid I will answer the phone. Whatever excuse they use shows their lack of caring, denial, connection - whatever you want to call it.
You have enough on your plate. Stop using energy to be concerned for them.
I would suggest that you get all of the requisite legal ducks in a row, POA, will, health care directive, etc. I would respect what your husband says, my children are independent. He's saying i don't expect any suppot from them. There is NOTHING you can do to redo these broken bonds.,Twenty years of their non acceptance of you will not change no matter what you do. All I would anticipate from his children is grief, aggravation, and greed. Protect yourself, be thankful for what you have and don't waste precious energy on non productive issues.
Lakegirl, We are the same age and our LOs are both in the 80s mine is 82 and we have been married 35 years and know each other 38 years. I have 3 step girls all in their 50s now and not much older than I am. They all have kids and the youngest is 15, the oldest in the 30s and the others somewhere in the 20s. Two live out of the country and one on the other coast. The girls skype when they can, one nearly every couple of days, one calls and the other is haphazard due to so many time zones. I wish the grandkids we put so much effort into seeing when they were wee folks would take more interest in their G"pop..notes or calls. I don't anticipate any problems with the girls, and his X has never been a problem, to her credit and his neither bad mouthed the other and she has never been difficult for me. Still, because of this disease, we went forward to make sure our trusts etc were all in order..Make sure you see an Elder Care Attorney and best if said lawyer is certified. All you can do is cover all your bases...
Thank you for validating my reality. Loving someone for 20 years and still not accepted, because they won't forgive him for being happy and healthy by being married to me. They have told me - that he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for me. I guess they blame me. I really think they wish him dead a long time ago.
so no support from them. I need wake up and realize they will never be here to help me because they aren't here for him.
Lakegirl, My DH always tells me that " if something happens to me, you can count on the kids". I hope he is right about that. But I guess there is something pretty deep in me having been abandoned at birth that hampers me to trust in anyone other than my parents who are gone and my DH. I simply do not trust that they or anyone else will be there so I have to be able to look after myself...
I know, sounds heartless & not nice for dh & I do apologize for that. I just know I'd go ballistic of my dh's kids started interfering. Too rebellious, I'm afraid.
I find this strange since my wife and her sisters are so happy that their father has a girlfriend (his wife died a few years ago).
If you are worried about the kids making a grab for the money, it is important to consider a guardianship or legal custody of your spouse. There is nothing that can stop one of the children from taking their parent out for lunch and just happen to stop by a public notary and have the parent sign new POAs. A new POA or DPOA will supersede and existing one. You might be able to get theirs thrown out in court but that will cost a few thousand dollars. If you have guardianship/custodianship it cannot be easily overturned.
And if you don't have a good relationship with the steps, I can only recommend asking them to do things for their parent. Which is hard if they are in denial.
We have made the necessary arrangements with an elder lawyer.
I agree, I have to only count on myself in this world. The help and kindness I do get from others is a wonderful gift. But I don't expect gifts, so I am pleasantly surprised. What I think it is about for his children is resentment that my husband is still alive and has a good life with me. He has had a quad bypass, is diabetic, has MDS (blood disorder), an main artery annursym that was repaired but still has a leak, a bleeding stroke, and now Alzheimers. I've taken your advise and no longer care what they do or don't do. (trying anyway)
I guess ultimately it doesn matter anyway. The comment about money is also true. I found it interesting one daughter ranted about how "I didn't understand what their father did to their family" yet took $10,000.00 for a down payment for a condo. Can't buy forgiveness or love. I am ok dealing with all this myself for now, but know it will take a turn for the worse in the future. But today is a ok day.
Many children are alienated from the spouse who left or moved on and excuse me for sounding a bit sexist but frequently female children of divorce are "poisoned" by their mothers against the biological father if he's moved on. I have several female acquaintenances who have relentlessly alienated their children from their fathers, particularly daughters after a divorce. The mothers are angry because their "life plan" was interrupted and the daughters feel the same betrayal.
My sister has been in a relationship with a man for 21 years and was not involved with him until several years after the divorce. His ex wife has convinced all the children that my sister was responsible for the divorce and was "the other woman" who ruined their lives. Mind you, the children were 22, 20 and 18 when the divorce was finalized. The daughter still cannot reconcile with her father and tells him "he ruined her life" and is rude to my sister. Yet, all the children, particularly the daughter expect $$$ as his penance for "destroying" their family.
To get all those documents drawn up for us, we had to go through a lawyer, then have a signing with witnesses present. I can't believe some notary could change all that during a brief visit!
ms. magic.....children getting a POA changed from the spouse to themselves is very easy to do. And, with the POA almost anything can happen. Most of these legal forms are available on line. Of course a notary would have to witness the signature, but that probably wouldn't be difficult either.
I read in the paper several years ago where a notary was sued because they notarized someone's signature when the person didn't know what they were signing. The notary lost.
About two years ago, I had something to be notarized and I went to three different notaries before one of them would notarize the paper. They definitely pick and choose what they notarize. I think they must be running scared.
My daughter and I were asked to notarize the will of a friend of her's this past summer. She went to the notary at her bank. We had to show our driver's licenses and another piece of ID. We practically had to be fingerprinted. He photocopied our driver licenses and other ID and attached the copies to the several forms he had to fill out.
I agree it is easy to get the forms on line. We did that last year and had them notorized at our bank. With the diagnosis this spring of AD and the urging of the neurologist, we saw an elder attorney and had new forms and wills drawn up. The difference this time is a succession plan. Who will be the POA for my huband if I should pass first and of course I had to change mine to my son versus my husband. We also decided to break the joint tennitacy on the home to go to my children if I passed first and my husband was not able to live here. Once he was out of the house more than 4 months, it could be sold. The worse case senario would be if something happened to me first and determining who would care for my husband. All that should be addressed. I don't think I have to worry about his children taking him out and having him sign new papers - that would imply they actually took him anywhere.
I was very happy with our attorney and how he handled the meeting and the paperwork. He was aware of our situation and treated all with respect and understanding when discussing what we wanted.
mothert, If you are talking to me, my step kids haven not been a pain in the butt, other than I wish they would find more ways to pay attention to their dad with calls and letters. Outside of my parents who are dead and my DH who has always been my cheerleader, and one or two friends who are dear and do help keep us connected to the human race, I simply do not trust outsiders. And to that end, when DH has over all the years said you can always depend on my girls if something happens to me, I hope he is right...but because I do not have trust, because the ability to really trust was something broken in me at birth, and adoptees do have this problem, I dare say people like me do not ever " take it to the bank" that we can trust anyone ever...not completely and we find we need to take steps to look after ourselves.
OBTW, my DH had full custody of the girls and I inherited them when I was only 30 and the oldest 20...the other two were 24 andd 16..so I got the teen hormone enraged stage...
Lakegirl....I understand your feelings about what happens to your dh if you die first. This was a constant fear I had since I was much older then my dh. I have an appointment this coming Wedsday to get things in order since my dh died 8/28/12.
Actually, I have full support of our/his adult children - always have. I was one of those most fortunate ones who loved them and they love me and still do. I am only 10 years older than the oldest and have been mom/best friend since marrying their father 30 years ago. Both are a pain in the butt at times, but I think that can be said for all kids, yours or not. However, neither want to take care of their dad and are grateful to have me in the picture. Now, all that good will could change with the death of their father. We have had all the necessary documents drawn by extremely competent ElderLaw Attorney and both girls know that everything is left to me. The oldest has children and I have told her that in all seriousness, her children will be the ones to inherit Papa's money, which is substantial at this point. I have always been very generous with the girls and can foresee no reason not to be in the future. The youngest one (47) is a functioning alcoholic, but that won't last forever and I will probably be taking care of her in the future, anyway.
I am very happy that they do not interfere, that would upset me and rock our very secure boat. That's why I said what I did about giving dh back to them if they were going to complain and backseat quarterback.
This whole POA is a scary thing then ... I might email my lawyer about it tomorrow.
Fortunately his daughter lives in another state and never visits - it's been 2 years since we've seen her. And that visit lasted two hours - we met for dinner. Before that, it had been 3 years since we had seen her!
If she decided to visit, I would take off work to supervise. I don't trust her in my house, let alone with her father! She is a very dishonest person.
You are right Magic. My dh's one son wanted to come to Ca. from Illinois and take him back for a vacataion. and then put him on an airplane by himself to come back to Ca. My dh didn't want to go and I said I would bring him back if he wanted to see his son. The son immediately objected to that and then I knew something very strange was the reason for getting him back to Illinois without me. During this two are three day discussion about my dh going back without me...I had to get firm about it...and the son said to me..."I want to be a part of the POA with me....well...I said no way. That really upset my dh and from that time on their relationship was never the same. That is when we decided to get our affairs in order and hired a Certified Elder Attorney. If you even "think" something like this could happen, my advice is never let your spouse be alone with anyone you don't have total trust in.
I am sorry to have sturred the pot on this topic. I get it. My wonderful husband and I say wonderful because he loved me enough to lie to get me to marry him. I told him when we were dating, I would never marry anyone more than ten years older than me. He was magically ten years older. After we were married 10 years and he was going to have a Quad bypass surgery, - he confessed that he had lied. He was 15 years older but loved me and wanted me to marry him.
At that point - what could I say. I loved him and it didn't seem to matter that much. My grandmother always said never marry an older man, you will end up being his nurse. That is what I guess I am now that his has AD. My husband is 5 years younger than my parents.
His children are about 9 years younger than me and I am sure hate me. They always said the first ten years we were married " when is Dad going to tell her his age." and when he did and it didn't matter to me. They were mad. Not me. I thought WOW someone loved me enough to lie to me versus losing me. How could I be mad. The ten years were so fun and wonderful - I guess age didn't make a difference.
I love my husband and even though we are going down a very difficult path - I don't what it to define "us". I love him.
It is possible to do wills and POA without a lawyer. There are standard forms. All a Notary Public does is verify that you are who you say you are and say they believe the people signing the documents are component. I guess a few other things.
So why use a lawyer for these documents? First is to make sure they are done properly. A friend told me of an issue when a POA was done without the word "durable" in it. When it was needed it proved to be worthless. The other reason is that if you need to defend these documents in court, the lawyer is in a much stronger position than if you did them on your own. My lawyer was concerned that these items be done quickly so he could honestly say in a court that my wife knew what she was signing. Turns out she is still capable of understanding and signing these documents, but we never know how much time we have.
I don't anticipate problems of this type, but you never know.
Our lawyer and I held POA, but that didn't stop his children from taking him from the Care Facility downtown to Gastown to a lawyer (who had never seen my husband before, was never told that my husband had Alzheimer's and had a hearing problem) and who was told that "Daddy is having trouble with his marriage and wants us to have POA." The lawyer did not question my husband but gave the children POA. They took it and emptied my husband's bank accounts. I didn't know this until my cheques started to bounce to the tune of 31,000.00, which I was held responsible for. Had to borrow money to pay it off. All recouped at the end but at great expense of time , effort and money. If I had it to do over again, at the very beginning I would have transfered the bulk of my husband's account into a new account under my name but referenced to him. The lawyer I had to hire to go for guardianship at this point had a telephone conversation, while I was in his office, with the Gastown lawyer and that's how I know these details. I did put a lien on our house on the lawyer's advice to block any attempts on the part of my husband's children to confiscate it. When it comes to stepchildren and ex-wives, I found that I had to become as cunning as a s.... house rat.
wow - his kids really did a number on you. I am glad you won in the long run! How mean can people be? No caring is cruel enough but to purposely put you in that position. All for the love of money.
mary75*--I hate to be cynical, but some attorneys will "look the other way" and take work because of the fees. Interesting that the Gastown lawyer didn't question your husband. Anyone with ethics, I would hope, would suspect something is wrong and delve into the details more before making the changes.
Lawyers can be sued for malpractice. Whether it is worth the time and money and what your chances are of winning are up to you. But it might be worth an ethics complaint to the bar.
I did send a quick note to my husband's son's wife - who was being so mean to me on our anniversary. I guess it is not in my nature to fight. " I apologized for saying anything hurtful to her and said I wasn't making an excuse. I hope she find it in her heart to let it go." Of course there was no response. That is ok, at least the burden of guilt is off my back. I am ready to let them all go. I will no longer encourage my husband to call them and will not contact them again. It will be interesting to see if they call him.
I did have a very nice surprise - one of our neighbors called and invited my husband to coffee. It was 9:00 when he called and of course my husband doesn't get up until 10:00 a.m. He mentioned he heard about DH's problem and all the guys who used to meet for coffee were asking about him. We agreed if he let me know a day ahead of time, I would get him up and have him ready. Hopefully he will get to go this week. It was a pleasant surprise to experience an act of kindness - for which I am most grateful. I am going to focus on the positive and not the negative. Hope you all have a good day today!