All, I have searched the internet for blogs, advice and comments on how to assist my Mother. She is the primary caregiver for my Father with AD. With much encouragement, she has finally agreed to take my Father to Adult Day Care for a few hours (about 3 days a week). However, on our last visit, my sister and I noticed a dramatic change in my Mother. She is understandbly stressed, tired and angry. My sisters and I travel to their home to assist her as often as we can (to give her some personal time, etc). During our recent visit, she got very dramatic and upset over something very minor. She will now no longer acknowledge my sister and I, speak to us or even look us in the eye! Basically, the silent treatment, removing herself and my father from any room we are in. We are not only worried about her well being, but as my Father's primary caregiver, we are worried about his welfare, too. We want to give her the space to reach out to us when she is ready, but wanted to see if any of you (who are also spouse caregivers) have any advice from your perspective to reach her. We love our Mother dearly and know how painful and difficult this is for her. Thank you!
I would suggest you get your mother to her physician as soon as you can to have her checked. She is probably depressed, under stress and maybe has some physical ailment. She may need a little medication to get her through this journey.
I am so happy that she has you girls for support......
Sandi, yes I believe she is depressed and exhausted. The hard part will be to suggest that she make an appointment to go to her primary care doctor. She is extremely stubborn and gets very defensive if we make any suggestion that she needs help. It took years for us to convince her to take advantage of the long term health care that she and my father have paid into and take him to day care, much less get her to go to the doctor for help for her self. Thank you!
Ask her if she wants to be around to continue with your dad's care. My mother-in-law refused help and died of a sudden, massive heart attack 9 years before my father-in=law finally died. You have to find a way to get her to see that she will die before him if she does not get help for herself.
Let her Dr. know your concerns and enlist his help. Use the leverage of needed wellness checkups and what Charlotte said. Point out that if she goes down, who'll take care of him? Reassure her that you kids would do your best, but it couldn't possibly be the same as what she does. Also, help her connect with some in-home help. Anything thatreduces her load will help.
Tell her, over and over, what my children told me. "Please, Mom, we don't want to lose you to the same disease." Statistics say that is very likely. Remind her that she's human, we only have so much we can give physically without doing harm to ourselves. She promised to cling to your father in sickness & in health, but she has an obligation to their children. Is she willing to take their mother away, too? And you know what? It still took me until I was physically ready to drop to consider my children & what I was doing to myself. But you have to try. I wish you success.
I can understand how your mom feels. I now have a woman coming to help me at home and so I can get out without dh. That meant to me that dh really is very ill and I am not going to be able to "do it all" any longer. Getting help is admitting what others can see - dh is ill and will not get better. I'd been putting that thought out of my mind and could be your mother is too. Just a thought.
Thank you to all who responded to my concerns with your advice and caring comments. However, it has been 10 days and my Mother still refuses to communicate with any of us. My sisters and I have initiated calls, emails, texts. All we receive back is "yes", "no" and other very limited responses. We have assured her that we are still here to support her and my Father in any way we can, but that we are waiting for her to allow us "back in" so that we can assist in the most meaningful ways for HER. She is hurting, angry and frustrated with a situation with my Father that she "did not sign up for" when they married over 56 years ago. My father provided for every one of her needs and ours. She is now handling all of those tasks and more, as all of you know. Please accept my sincere appreciation on behalf of my sisters. Good luck to all of you (as caregivers and spouses) in your journey with a disease which renders your loved ones lost in their lives.......oxoxo.
If you are still here, try this website from the government about Elder Abuse. She could be abusing your Dad because he's not getting the care he needs or she could be abusing herself because she refuses to get help.
Elder Abuse does not just mean someone is neglected in a care facility.
And, please do not stay away even though she says too. She is hurting and sinking with this disease. Do not let her go too. Tolerate her abuse, but be there for her. She may be crying out in the only way she knows how to - chasing you away.