Last Thursday I ended up in an ambulance, which transported me to my luxurious ICU suite for 4 nights at our local hospital. It turns out that I have Sepsis caused by strep infection invading my blood stream. I was really hoping for the Lord to take me home for a few days, but, didn't happen. Got to come home and my wonderful friends had arranged for 24 hour care, meals and everything you can think of. Until...dh had a melt-down and basically chased my caregivers off - thinks he can take care of me. Seriously, he was scary and frightened my bf very badly.
So, I realize that this has been much more catastrophic for him than me and I will just have to manage. btw, Lorazapam 1/2 pill each morning has kept him fairly calm. This morning, he had an "accident"; shot me an evil look because I was already occupying the prevy; then went back to bed. When he goy up, he didn't recognize me or his beloved daughter. It took about 15 minutes for dd to bring him around with stories from the past. This is the first time this has happened and leaves me wondering if I can actually sleep (me and my Oxtcontin) while leaving him up?
Just needed to share and hopefully some of you will have some ideas for me.
mothert-please don't think nobody cares about you today. Like me, many are not home and will respond later. Sounds like the stress of your illness and changes in caregivers sent your husband over the edge into the next stage. I'll be back later.
it seems to me you really need someone there so you can rest. Can your daughter, or do you know anyone who can help you through this until you feel better, and strong enough to cope again? It sounds like too much and I am so sorry you got that Sepsis. A prayer going up for help for you.
I have no shortage of people who WANT to help; my dh won't allow it. He was very threatening to my best friend the other to the point of tears - scared us all. She won't come back now for a long time.
I can only think of one suggestion inasmuch as your DH seems to be scaring anyone away when YOU need the help NOW...is there anyway he can be placed in respite while you recover? If he gets violent with anyone coming to help you getting the help you would for yourself if he got violent toward you might be something to consider... Unpleasant idea I know but if you don't recover well and soon, how will you be able to take care of him in any case? Now is the time to think of YOU first. and I know this is not easy...
Who stayed with your husband while you were in the hospital? Is there any possibility that person could come back for several days while you just leave and go somewhere else for a few days to recover?
Daughters and our caregiver took cre of him while I was gone and my fine friends that he has chosen to be hostile towards - hejust can't seem to understand how bad shape I am in and just sees these others as intruders, plus, they are paying attention to me and not him palrticularly. He was ok with the daughters, but rejected the caregiver when she started caring for me. The girls both had to go back to work and the oldest is leaving on a business trip for a week on Friday. Both have been very sacrificial, but they have done all they can do at this time. I did contact dh's neuro and explained the problem and asked for guidance. I hope he doesn't just prescribe stronger drugs. I, too, think he needs to go away so that I can heal and there is a very nice NH very close that he can probably get into. Just getting him to do that will be very difficult, not sure I have the strength.
mothert...if the doctor agrees to have him placed in the nursing home maybe you can have the personel that take others to the emergency room come and take him to the nursing home. If you doctor arranges this medicare might pay for it. Wish I could suggest something else, but that is all I can think of right now.
This is always a worry for most of us caregivers...what will we do with our spouses if we become ill?
Mothert From what I've learned on this sight, it seems like you need to follow the neuro's advice even if it does mean stronger drugs. Sometimes they have to experiment to find just the right one. With love and hope, GeorgieBoy
I agree with Mimi and JudithKB*, and I hope that your husband can be placed in respite until you are completely healed. If my daughter were in a similar situation, all sorts of bells would be going off. I think this is the line in the sand: your health is being jeopardized because of his inability to make a good judgement.
if i was in your place mothert i would not hesitate to use ativan in small dose to keep him calmed down while you recoup. scaring anyone, you or your BF should not be acceptable behavior at any stage. you must take things under control and get with your neuro and get his meds ironed out. it will only get worse. hope you get the help you need while recouping. divvi
Oh, Coco, I am so sad for you. As they get worse, it seems that their worlds get smaller and some days they worlds are not big enough to include anyone but themselves. Maybe a little extra medicine for him so he will rest until you are stronger.
Meeting with Placement Specialist (RN) today along with Senior Center Memory Group leader (who knows us both and is aware of all the ongoing issues). At this point, I think we need to get his doctor to admit him to Psych Unit for revaluation and to deal with the drinking problem. For now, I just want him gone. I know that I will be feeling very remorseful after this all plays out, but I am too sick and weak to deal with his AD right now.
Mothert, this sounds like a good solution. Never mind remorse afterwards: first and foremost, you need to survive. When you're all better, you will be able to take care of business again. Without you in good health and in charge, he will not do as well.
Thought I'd send you all an update The intervention was not what we expected. Dh knew something was up from the start & would not take the bait & lose his temper. If we had called 911 that day & had him hauled off to ER, they would have thought we were off our rocker. So, we grilled him pretty good about his need to allow care for me & his need to stop drinking because of his inability to stop at 1 & his aggression. The care professional told him if he fight didn't lighten up that I would end up back in the hospital in even worse condition.
He did not agree about the drinking, but as I cannot drive now & he can't drive, he has to accept his 1 alcohol free beer/nite - even tho theres no alcohol, it seems to soothe him, as he has been drinking to calm his anxieties. He will be re-evaluated by his Neuro on the 28th, who is aware of this whole Catastrophic Event. Overall, a better solution, I think, to going to psych ward; although, I know it may take a couple tries to get his meds right.
Actually, things have been very good around the house since everybody cleared out - thank you for asking. The first few days were bad because I was trying to do all the stuff the caregiver does and that wasn't working. Now, I sit on my butt and direct dh as to what to do and I feel much better - getting stronger each day. Tuesday my caregiver and her backup will begin alternating days here until further notice. Dh knows that I will be recovering in the hospital if he doesn't behave; but, still he needs to be handled with kidd gloves, and we can do that. The caregiver knows it all has to be about him and I am to be left alone in my bed unless I ask for something. They will cook,clean, do laundry, run errands and take us to doctor's appointments and go home - no more than 4 hours/day to keep dh's comfort level ok. We'll back off the moment he starts getting agitated.
mothert--Glad to hear things have improved. Just a FYI--when my husband was admitted to the geripsych unit (twice), it wasn't done on an emergency basis. There was no specific incident, call to 911, etc. I just drove him there and checked him in. Perhaps it's different where you live, but from reading your post about the intervention and taking the bait, it sounds like you needed a catastropic event to occur before the process could proceed? I realize you're in no shape to transport him at this point, but keep this in mind if your arrangement isn't working out, perhaps someone else take him to the unit if it's needed.
Just remember, negotiating/bargaining with a person with dementia is a slippery slope; I did it early on, and although my husband promised to "go with the program", due to the disease his words were quickly forgotten and we were back to square one in terms of behaviors. They may have good intentions, but after all, the brain is being ravaged by disease and they're not in control--AD is. I know it is easy to lose sight of this while we're dealing with big problems.
Mothert, I am not sure why you are so against the doctor increasing his medications. Several times, we HAD to do that with my DH, it was for his own good. He was working himself into a state, and it calmed him. Keeping medications to a minimum is NOT heroic, because he has a disease that affects his behavior, scares your best friend, and frightens you. I knew of a man who shot and killed his caregiver as she came into the door one morning. He knew her well, however he was off his meds for two days over the weekend. His family thought he could manage on his own those days. I often said that Seroquel was my best friend and one would have to pry the bottle out of my hand before I'd give it up. If your husband is not on Seroquel, you might suggest his Neuro try it.