We are facing a move very shortly, and it's bringing a lot of feelings to the surface. As you may know from another post, this move is not of our choosing.
Recently on tv I saw a show where a new widow was talking to her father about taking five hours to clean out her husband's desk. Her father told her, "If you just did the work, it would only take you about 30 minutes. It's the memories that slow you down." That is so true—it is all the memories that slow you down. And hurt.
It's also the losses. We're in our tenth year since diagnosis. I've purged all my husband's professional papers and his work library. We got rid of hundreds of books. We've had two garage sales. I got rid of boxes of keepsakes and Christmas decorations . There's a list of furniture and other items we will have to dispose of. We're now to the point of having to get rid of things I never wanted to get rid of, that are really "us".
This week I realized that I feel like I've been throwing pieces of my life into the trash for the last ten years. That really is what this has been like. And, of course, that's why it hurts so much. I don't think it matters whether you get rid of all these things before or after the loss of a spouse, doing it just seems so final. Tonight I cut the buttons off one of my husband's old shirts, before throwing the shirt away. (Please tell me why I wanted to save the buttons.) Just an old ratty shirt, that he can't wear any more, and I don't even particularly like. But I cried over that old shirt. It felt like throwing a little piece of my husband away. And he's leaving fast enough already.
Jan--I am planning on making a memory book for my husband to be used later on during the mourning period when he passes. You probably don't have time to do this now, but can you put aside some special things in the hope of doing this when you get time? I have some things his Mom saved--his birth announcement, report cards, bar mitzvah invitation, things from his teen years, some college stuff, lots of career and public service mementos, photos (of course), golf-related things, etc. I went to the Hallmark store and bought a lovely album with the right kind of pages and extra refills. I think it will be a good way to preserve these special items and maybe help me let go of the rest. I also plan to have a quilt made from some of his ties--he had some beautiful ones, made by artists. I'm going to keep some of his long-sleeved shirts, as they're good to wear when I'm gardening. Slowly, I am giving away his best clothing to friends and family whom they fit. I know, it's hard to do this emotionally, but it must be done.
It's two years for me,now. I have kept a few things others may see as silly-but they have special meaning to me. It's sad that no one really wants some very nice clothing. I watched Goodwill just dump carefully folded suits in a large bin.
I have already made a rather fat album of pictures chronicling Jeff's life. There are odds and ends I will keep or pass on to my kids, such as the small wooden hippo he carved in a junior high shop class. Useable pants and shirts get passed to our son, apart from the things Jeff needs now.
He spent years collecting coffee-table type books on houses and architecture, and I continue to give those away, a bag at a time.
I have a need to feel as untethered by objects and clutter-free as I can, so most organizing is to that end.
The memories do hang you up, for sure. Since Jeff's move to the ALF I've been encountering those more, and it helps to fully face them. I had trouble doing that when I was 24/7 caregiver.
I saw a video of a woman who was purging things and she suggested taking digital pix of each item before getting rid of it, then making a digital file of all the pix to look at or reference back later. It is amazing that we spend most of our lives accumalating "things" and then the last part of our lifes getting rid of said "things"
I have scanned tons of pix to my computer; then to CD. Have very few original pictures left. After my son died, I started "cleaning up" everything. Gave all he wanted to DH's son; I have no one to leave it to, except my sister - and I've already given her stuff. Am slowly purging his closet - as well as mine! I take good thing to consignment shop, donate the rest. But...I have tons of dishes - his mother and grandmothers! Don't know what I'll do with those. I am constantly de-cluttering, donating, giving away what I can.
Our kitchen is still scattered with our shower and wedding gifts from 42 years ago. The bowl I used to mix the greek salad with when my nephew came last week was a shower gift. The cookie jar. The knives. Some of the utensils. The corning ware cooking pots. I'm glad I have those things although I'm the only one who cares about them.
I finally washed and vacumned the car this month. It hurt because the ice cream stain and the chocolate stain were hers and now they're gone. But the inside of the car looks good again and that feels ok. It's all very complicated because it's not actually the things themselves. It's the meanings.
I agree with Vickie though. I'm starting to get rid of 'stuff'. I don't trust Goodwill the way I trust the Salvation Army (that someone who needs it will actually get it). That's who's getting everything. I care more about the dresser her father made for her as a little girl which we still have and the desk she was given when she skipped grade two. Those aren't going anywhere until some poor schmuck (my nephew) has to clean up after me. The dining room set we paid a lot of money for I couldn't care less about.
What matters to me is that just last week I heard her laughing again. She made this face when she laughed really hard and I was watching something funny on tv and I remembered. I can remember it right now. That's how I remember my mom too. Not the shrivelled skeleton that munched on the KFC I smuggled in - the Ingrid Bergman buxomy woman who raised me who didn't have two brain cells to rub together but stood in front of my furious father when he lost his temper to protect me.
People can have their stuff. I'll take the memories.
There are memories in stuff though, Wolf. I look at Gord's shirts and see him in them. I can't get rid of them. I look at his sweatshirts hanging in the cupboard and I run my hands over them. Perhaps I will feel him in them. I look at his jacket that he was wearing when I took him to respite. It was the last time that he wore it. I look at his jeans with the belt still attached that I took off him the last night that he slept in our bed. The clothes are him. I can't let them go.
During my years of Caregivingwe culled things. That wasn't hard. As DH's VaD progressed more things were disposed of, DH sold stuff, gave hings away. That was akll done onn our terms, in our good time. At the end of 2011 our house was going into a hort Sale; DH was being Placed, and I'd be moving to an apartment---we had to downsi9ze in all ways, but I was still olkkay with that. Reality hadn't hit. Things changed in a blink and DH was hospitalized and from there placed; the apartmrnt ewas found. We downsized from a 2 bedroom house we'd been in for 29 years, to a storaghe unit for the thinksour Daughter would take and a 1 bedcroom apartmen t for me. We did that in a week. There was no chance to pick and choose. It felt as though DH, and everything else was being erased. What I wouildn't have given to have been able to take my time and savor the memories, especially when I lost him 4 months later.
I don't think there's a good or bad time to deal with this, nor a right or wrongway, but I do think it has tobe done....done in your own time.
I think donating, sharing, etc of our LOs things just takes time..we have to come to terms. My mom died and her things were kept in her closet until my dad died 5 years later. I did not live in TX so I would deal with things when I was there. I shared some of her things with her brothers and sisters, keepsakes, her grandkids and my brothers too.I found photos of my with which ever person I was going to send something and if I could find the item she was wearing when the photo was taken that is what I sent along with the picture. But like someone said, i would hug her clothes because her scent was still on them. In the end, I kept a few of her outfits that I thought were most becoming on her, and let the others go..same with my dad's things..My brothers and I own a condo in TX so when we are there, or extended family is there, the condo with the furniture and other things of theirs is used along with some things of ours...
MarilynMD - Your idea of a memory book sounds wonderful. My only problem would be who to give it to after I'm gone; they'll all want it. But that their problem, isn't it? I think I'll start gathering those things for that book.
I still have some of my children's baby clothes. I agree with something that one of you said that "some things will just have to wait for my son to deal with." I have been getting rid of a lot of clothes that I don't wear any more. Also, vaces etc. that don't have sentimental value.
My kids are preparing our home for seasonal rental to help pay expenses. As they are clearing out a lot of the "stuff" my wife and I have collected over the years, some of it is going to an antique dealer. My daughter told him things will be put in 3 piles: 1) yes, you can have it 2) no, you can't have it and 3) I'll have to check with the other owners. At this point I'm letting her do it, since I am sure it would be hard on me.
I know there are things I will never get rid of and I have no idea where they will go after I am gone...like his blonde baby curls his mother gave me. I know it is just hair, but what do you do with something like that. I'm glad his mom gave them to me, but who is worthy to receive such treasures or should they be cremated with him or buried with me? I had underbed storage boxes for each of my 3 kids that I put their treasures in. I kept photos, grade school papers, report cards, special things and then handed over the boxes when they were old enough to appreciate them. I will never forget when Nick opened his box and pulled out the blanket remnants and smiled and said "My blankie!"and he was 22 or 23 at the time. Maybe I will make a treasure box for Lloyd...a small one...and give it to a grandchild or favorite niece because his kids would never cherish those things. I still have totes of my mom's things in the basement. Every once in a while I will go down there and go through and decide what I am willing to give up at that point in time and do it. I have gone from 3 totes down to 2. I have her broken jewelry box and I still cannot throw the damn thing away. Oh well, in time.......
Linda, the storage boxes are a great idea. I had not thought of that. I will get 2 boxes for each child. One will hold baby items, blankets and my treasures that I kept for them like school papers. The other box will hold baseball cards, hot wheeles, etc. treasurers that they kept and remained at my house. thank you for the idea. I also have totes of my mom's things. I also went from 4 to 3 last year. Hopefully by the end of the year I will be down to one. I have my mom's old hopechest that had all of our baby books. 20 years ago, I forced my siblings to take their baby books home. They would have rather that they stayed in the hope chest. I have also been getting rid of items there. This past spring, I went through it with my out-of-town sister and we chose items for our other sister and they both took things home. It is still full, but not as full.
I too am about to start thinning things out bit..I have donated lots of vases, that are not really cool or that were not my mom's or a wedding pressie..but the plain ones..with kittens it is not a good idea to have flowers for these little gardeners... I used to keep photos from Christmas greeting cards...last year I tossed out most of them...I mean I really don't care about those family photos of friends of my DH whom we hear from only at Christmas with the group shot..fine for then...cousins and family members I have kept but I am about to clear those out too..Since most grandkids are now grown, I don't need but a few photos of them so will gather them up and send each one pics...the duplicates etc...more shelf space for other things I do want to keep. I have all our family members photos going back to the 1800s so will set them aside for family...nice for the younger generations to one day see who the ancestors were. As to household things...those things that were my mother's I keep..other things I have collected I think I will start to donate too, hard as it might be....like so many, our kids are not interested in silver..ya have to polish it, or some of the other fine things we used to set a special table with..so...but how many scoops and measuring cups and knives do we really need or use now..you know, steak knives...things of that sort..maybe one day I'll be entertaining again but not for the foreseeable present....too much work..my God I am having to explain what " cosmetic surgery" is now...some of the simple things...I find I am just tested to the end of my rope some days with all of this...imagine a dinner party with all the trimmings...I miss those things and the times we were able to do it all but crap..I am just to stressed out now to bother with more.. Something freeing about letting things go even just a little at a time. The only bad PS to it is just after you give it away about 2 weeks later you need that darn thing you haven't used in 2 years! Sheesh....can't win no way no how it seems.
With photos, even the photo Christmas cards, I scanned them onto my computer and have them listed by year, and that way I can in future years, still look at them without them taking up space. I've given away so much over the last three years, and I'm only halfway through. Every year I find more that I can emotionally part with. The house is looking a lot better and I am feeling lighter too. It will probably be another couple of years before I have it pared down to the minimum!
I gave my daughter my butter mold that had been my grandmother's. It was just sitting on a shelf, taking up space at my house. There are several of those items that I let go one at a time to my children.
I had plastic totes for each of my kids that has all their childhood keepsakes and drawings in them, along with their senior high jackets and diplomas. They love to look through them, but wanted me to store them - now they are considering taking them to their homes!
I have a plastic tote for Diane and one for Dave that I put the memory things in - including the obituaries, Passports, death certificates, cards, his/her eyeglasses, his favorite book, the funeral books, (for Dave - a CD of the slide show of his pictures from babyhood until about two years before he passed away) (and Diane's from the day she was born until the day before she died) that was shown at his/her service. My children can do what they want with the totes after I am gone.
I not only have all our "special" things but my sister's!!! She is a widow with no children so when she moved to ALF I inherited her things. My grandchildren have some of her furniture and DIL has some and some sister still has in her apt. but there are plastic boxes of pictures and "things" that belonged to her deceased husband - what to do with them! I will probably just give them to a charity after my sister has passed on. I have plastic boxes with mementos for each of my children who are now middle age and still don't want them at their house. So when they gather my stuff to move me to "the old folks home" as they say they can figure what to do with them. Special furniture that dh has made the kids do want and have stated so. Anything of any value our will states who is to receive. My mother passed on more than 30 years ago and I still have the last birthday gift she gave me and the wrapping paper folded in the box. My kids will have a ball going through all the precious things I've kept. ;)
I have underbed plastic totes in the basement for the 7 oldest grandkids. My oldest daughter went through her gypsy phase moving and abandoning with me going behind her gathering up keepsakes which I have saved for her 4 kids and her youngest lived with me for a year. The next 2 and their mama have lived with me most of their lives with them returning home in 2010 to help me with Lloyd. Oh, Mary in Montana, I have a tote of Hot Wheels too!!! lol I've started weeding them out for Easter egg hunts. Still having trouble giving up the motorcycles, Corvettes, and muscle cars because they were Lloyd's favorites. It is freeing to get rid of stuff you don't use or need anymore. I just wish I could bring myself to do more of it, but I guess I will in time.
I've been 'sandwiched' between closing out our Mom's home (our family home for over 70years), getting a lifetime of THINGS sold,distributed or kept..AND getting our own home 'emptied' of 53 years accumulation of stuff so that our son can buy and remodel it. I'm staying in very small cottage now which should be called my 'home' and where I 'live'.. but that feeling hasn't happened yet. We (grown children) and I are still 'jolted' by the realities of this cleaning out. I sort through things and just have to stop and go outside to breathe. It might be best to hire an agency to just come in and pack it up for donating or selling or whatever. It' is hard to go out to our home to 'work' on clearing out these things alone. If someone is with me, it seems easier to be objective.
Judy, I agree it's very hard "after". This was the biggie with me when my son died and I had to take care of all of his things, both legal and his belongings. After I finally got all of that done, I decided I was going to down size DH's and my things as much as I could "before". I have just about completed that but still have some to go. It's almost like a catharsis for me to do this now.
There's one industry in the USA that is doing very well. Self storage units. They build on the cheapest land and offer short term contracts because they know as the Economist mentions in it's Golden Hoard article that people are worse than squirrels. The average rented unit has had stuff in it for 3 years.
The house we bought a while ago is less than half the size of the previous one and when we moved I was ruthless in throwing out things we never use. I filled two entire 1-800-GOTJUNK trucks. Five boxes of vinyl albums, untold boxes of books, furniture from parents, rubber rafts, scuba suits, and so on.
I sympathize with that feeling but I am so glad that we shed all that stuff. It's going to be hard to pack up my wife's things when that time comes but one of my goals for next year is to thin out again and I can honestly say that some of the boxes in the basement haven't been opened since we moved here six years ago. If they haven't been opened by next year - there's no reason to open them when I throw them out. Is there?
We moved into this house over five years ago and half of the double car garage is full of boxes!!!!! Anytime we can't find anything, the refrain is "it's in a box in the garage" :-)
I'm doing my first purge since Bunny's AD diagnosis. It's like I'm on a mission. I'm compelled to get my house in order. I hired an 8th grader to come and help me go through everything--he spent two days just shredding old tax returns and bank statements! For the first time, the basement is tidy as are the two storage sheds. We're working on the closets, then moving on to cabinets and finally all the drawers. It is incredible how good it feels to have everything in place and to throw out stuff I haven't looked at in years. And a bonus is that he now knows where everything is in our house since he's sorted it all out! I'm also grooming him to be able to stay with Bunny a couple of hours at a time so I can get out more. I tried it for the first time last week and all went well.
"Each possession I own is but a stone around my Neck" Albert Einstein
How True...I watch those TV shows about hoarding and can well relate to hoarding. I don't have stuff stacked from floor to ceiling in every room because the house has so many rooms, plus a five car garage and two extra storage buildings on the property, but all the wardrobes, closets, and cupboards in the house, the extra space in the garages, the shelves and space in the storage buildings are full of stuff we accumulated over the sixty years we lived here. I'm now alone here with my little dog "Ozzy", and I would have to say that Ozzy and I have absolutly no use for 98 percent of this stuff. When my Dear Helen first started this dementia trip, we considered moving to a nice senior community where two of my sisters were already living, but we just could not handle the trauma of parting with our stuff.... Why are we so attached to stuff?
Jan K's father is so right. It's the memories....I've decided to just not worry about what happens to the stuff. I'm going to leave it where it is. It's not hurting anything. I've enjoyed it while I've been here. When I'm gone, who cares?
My 8th grader IS wonderful and I find myself "hoarding" him from all the neighbors who would snap him up in a minute to clean out their garages :) And let me tell you, running to the store is a lot more fun when you know your windows are being cleaned while you're out.
It's also really nice to have someone to work with who can do more than just one step. Bunny wants to help too so I ask him to do simple things like carry the laundry to the washer, or take the dishes out of the dishwasher (although he asks me many times, "These are clean, right?", turn out lights, and his favorite thing, getting me glass after glass of water! Whenever he asks if he can do anything, I always ask for water. I know he likes being able to do something for me and now I don't drink soda or coffee (too many steps). I hand him the glass and he fills it and mostly brings it right back. Very endearing that he still thinks of me sometimes.