That article is a bit more typical I think. In many households the man plays a role and the woman plays a role. In our marriage we both had careers, no children, and a cleaning lady for several decades. We were equals. I did a good share of the cooking and when we cleaned up and get things together I did my half.
I'm not lost around the laundry, the shopping, the kitchen, or the toilets which I cleaned for most of my life because it kept me grounded that the night before the cleaning ladies showed up, I did all the toilets. Not the bathrooms - just the toilets. It was like zen and the art of toilet maintenance.
If my mom had died before my dad, I can tell you he would have been lost. And some of the guys I know literally have never boiled water.
I suspect this trend reported in this article captures the males expanding life expectancy. Males are living much long just like women are (who are still winning), and so they live long enough where either partner becomes suceptible to AD. Just my opinions. Pile on.
Like you, Wolf, we had our shared household chores...and we had kids who were required to participate..and oddly, as glad as I was to have them move on to college and then strike out on their own, when they were gone we really missed them for all sorts of reasons...and it was then that we realized and appreciated even more the part they did play in so many little things...cleaning the second bathroom, doing their laundry, dusting and using the hoover..we had so much more time to do things as a family. After they were off on their own adventures as adults, we still had our share of duties defined...he did the outdoor stuff....the water sprinklers, all that manly stuff..and he was the cook..and a darned good one too and since I cleaned up better than he would the rule was " he who cooks does not do dishes" ! Worked for me!..and even with work, we still had time to do things, together.. Not anymore...he would like to help but his walking is so well iffy and his endurance is not great...so there isn't much he can do and when I do ask him to come see the fruit trees, he is not interested or up to it..which ever.. Before I came into his life, he was Mr Mom of 3 kids...so he was good at grocery store shopping and he loved it, he could swap recipes with the best cooks...he was amazing which makes it all the harder to watch his slip bit by bit into weakness and frailness.
I am surprised it is that high but I am not surprised that the men are not on this site. A lot of the post here are about feelings and a lot of men are not comfortable talking about feelings. I know I'm not. I was on here a long time before I discussed my feelings. The only reason I am on here at all is because one day I got and email from some lady name Joan inviting me to come to the site. If not for that email I would never have found it on my own.
I can talk about my feelings a little here now but it still isn't easy. You all have made it easier for me too and for that I thank you. I don't know how I would have made it this far in my ability to deal with Kathryn's Alzheimer's without you. I wish that more men could find this site and know all of you.
Jim, I don't think if the situation was reversed my DH could come here & “bare his soul” either. He always told me he loved me, but he wouldn't open up to me about his feelings. I know that it seems that women are able to express their feelings easier then men, but I also think that it all depends on the person.
Jim: I think this site can provide a phenomenal amount of useful information, advice and guidance no matter what your gender. The site is primary for and populated by women as it's intended to be.
While many caregivers problems are generic to both sexes I think women have unique circumstances and vulnerabilities that we male caregivers don't face.
I had little trouble transitioning into “running the entire household. I went to a military high school, doing laundry, ironing, making beds cleaning of bathrooms etc was no new experience. I inherited my love of cooking and most regard me as a gourmet chef. I'm one of those rare individuals who loves to cook, it's been my job throughout our 53 years of marriage. (DW got the cleanup responsibilities) ]
The last thing I want to appear is sexist, THAT is not me! But many wives never had to run the household finances, take care of the mechanical aspects of being a homeowner on top of their normal responsibilities and then there are the strength and the violence issues which seem to dominate so many threads.
The strength issues are vividly illustrated here by JoanG's blogs about the physical difficulties she encounters maneuvering Sid in and out of his wheel chair or other posters dealing with falls or getting in and out of bed. Most men don't face this exhausting life issue on a daily. multiple times a day basis. Just cleaning up and changing an incontinent patient can drain one's energy for the day. I'd hate to think of my DW trying to lift me into a wheel chair or in out of a bed. But the most stressful female vs male difference has got to be the fear of violence. Few male caregivers have much to fear, but based upon my reading of numerous posts it's a major issue and then to read the story of “lynmac1” advocating for an Early Onset support group it's a heartbreaking circumstance unique to women. There is a big difference in what we male caregivers face vs the spouses we read about here. Our problems become trite when compared to theirs and I think we're reluctant to post after reading their issues
marty-I have to disagree. No one's problems become trite when compared with others. We come from different circumstances and have different strengths. Our coping abilities are very different from each other. Some, like divvi, can get beyond the misery with grace. For others-sometimes become so ill and exhausted they wear out their coping abilities. I will never forget standing in the middle of a parking lot and bawling my heart out.
marty there is NO difference NO difference what you are going through, when it comes down to brass tacks. Don't ever stop posting. though you are able to have a semblance of happiness, and plenty of friends helping, you still get the broken heart. And, look at all these other guys here, Wolf, Anchor and many more that are so torn up. We love you guys. We need you here too.
Marty, call me wrong but your military highschool experiences instilled a discipline that has served you well in the chores you had to learn but also in the approach to discipline itself. That may have a bearing on how you look at this.
I also agree with your point about men versus women caregivers and have been quite vocal about it but have never gotten the time of day on this board either. I've always said my job was easier because I outweigh her by almost 70 pounds. If the person I was caregiving was bigger and stronger than I was it would have been much harder and I think that's where you mean the word trite in what we face. I agree.
Women as per usual (we love you too, girls) look to the nurturing aspects of what is said. Coco means of course that your pain and hurt and so on are equal and I agree with that too.
And I cry with you bluedaze* or as close as I dare come in that parking lot because I know the one thing I can't do and survive is be honest about how I feel.
"O woe! O woeful, woeful, woeful day! Most lamentable day. Most woeful day That ever, ever I did yet behold! O day, O day, O day! O hateful day! Never was seen so black a day as this. O woeful day! O woeful day!"
I agree with you entirely this site does provide a phenomenal amount of information. I also agree that it is mostly populated by women, however I would have to disagree about it being intended for women. I believe it was as the name implies for all, both men and women, who have a spouse with Alzheimer's disease. There is a s aying here that "once you have seem one case of Alzheimer's you have only seen one" That would imply that each spouse's circumstances are unique and I believe that is the fact. I have seen some of the things posted on here by the ladies that I don't believe I would have been able to handle as well and I have handled some things that some of the ladies may not have handled as well. We all have our strength's and weaknesses and here we are able to help with our stengths and get help with our weaknesses. I have benefited greatly from this site and thank Joan for creating it. I wish that every spouse, be they man or woman knew about it and used it in their fight againest Alzheimer's.
I thank my lucky stars every night that Joan sent me that email. Everybody on here has been the best support group I could have ever wished for.
AlzSpouse has been blessed with the membership of many male caregivers. Men who braved exposing their vulnerabilities to seek and share support in caring for their wives. In a world, where even today, men are encouraged to hide their emotions—even deny them, their dedication to providing the best care they can for their wives, pushed them to come to AS for help.
The perspective they have brought to the site has helped me, and I’m sure others, understand a bit better, the masculine viewpoint. Helped me unravel some of my DH’s actions—made some things easier to understand and reduced stress. Also provided tips on things I had never learned to do.
I know we developed a whole group of tips for the guys on feminine care---hair, makeup--- pantyhose(forget them ), etc.
It’s unfortunate that the barrier of discussing emotions holds so many back from participating, or participating fully. It’s all in how we grew up. Girls grew up learning to be nurturers, dealing openly with emotions; guys grew up to be stoic problem solvers, showing no weaknesses (vulnerabilities). Both have the emotions but handle them differently.
That’s really too bad, because when faced with the ALZ caregiving life, we all really need every support we can get. I believe we are honored by the participation of so many men---DKing*, TexasJoe*; Ol Don*, Wolf, Anchor20, Marty, Phranque*, soolow, and so many others, who pushed themselves to open up. It’s not easy, I know.
My hope is that, in time, more parents will do as my Dad did, and teach their son’s that there is nothing wrong in being open with their feelings. When things go well you can show your happiness, and when things are sad or hurtful there’s no stigma in tears.
The ALZ Road is horrendous and will bring every one of us to our knees at one point or another. Our strength is in our caring. Knowing that; sharing it; supporting it, is what will get us through—every one of us.
Carol, there is a female side to that too. It's not just males that can be characterized I'm sure you'll agree.
The overriding characteristic I think is comfort zone. People give their comfort zones way too much validity. And I evangelize too much about the topic of happiness.
What I do know is that you get it that you don't ball up inside yourself - you reach outside of yourself. I know that because for years I had my email address up and you wrote to me about something I said and that was over 2400 emails ago split nearly evenly between us (I hope you don't mind that I say this). Now we talk on the phone where both of us had to buy new phones because the batteries wear down.
So people here have a lot of pain and we are all damaged as any sane person would be by these events. But I am alive and I have a new friend. When I get beat up and knocked down I never get anywhere staying down. Well I feel so bad inside. That's entirely up to us. Bless you Joan for having this board.
I'm not sure where to post this, but since I am a male caregiver with a new problem, I will put it here. Last week my wife developed a red rash under her left eye. Saturday morning it had spread down her cheek and onto her upper lip, with some small vesicles. At this point we realized it was shingles, even though she had the shingles vaccine. Fortunately, probably because of the vaccine, she is not having the usual shingles pain. Her PCP started her on Valtrex (anti-viral) which has to be given every 8 hours. Since she normally sleeps for 12 hours straight during the night I have had to revise her schedule. Also, and most troublesome, she has been barred from attending day care where she went 6 days a week. This means I have to stay home to care for her, or hire someone if I can find them. Also she has been barred from going to the dining room here at the Inn, although they do bring our evening meal up to us. I'm not sure why she is barred since in my entire medical career I never saw any family member or anyone else contract shingles, or chickenpox, from a patient with shingles.
Oh, Marsh, I am so sorry to hear this. This is something I always fear happening - even though he has also had the vaccine, as have I. Every one of my older friends or their spouses have had shingles over the past couple of years, but no one, that I'm aware of, has been barred from going to various places.
Please take care of yourself and I surely hope this will not cause her pain, and will go away quickly!
Marsh, Could the Health Dept. clarify to the facilities that shingles is not contagious (sp?)? Might be worth a call. maybe save you some stress. Maybe, even her Dr. could help clarify it. Unfprtunately, sometimes "Official Wod" is required.
A person with shingles can pass the varicella-zoster virus to anyone who isn't immune to chickenpox. This usually occurs through direct contact with the open sores of the shingles rash. Once infected, the person will develop chickenpox, however, not shingles.
Chickenpox can be dangerous for some groups of people. Until your shingles blisters scab over, you are contagious and should avoid physical contact with: Anyone who has a weak immune system Newborns Pregnant women