I need some advice. My husband was diagnosed 4 years ago and is the moderate stage and declining. I find that I do not have the warm feelings for him that some people talk about. My neighbor's husband has vascular dementia (they had no kids) and she tells me that I do not really love my husband because I do not have all these warm feelings for him. My neighbor is constantly focused on her husband and how he feels and how he is doing. To be honest Ido not have time to do that. I work from home, and besides doing everything for him, I try to take good care of myself. I lost my husband a long time ago. I honestly do not feel married anymore because he is not the person I married. I am dealing with the disease but I am also focused on the fact that I need to have a life and to move on as much as I can at this point. She tells me I will have regrets after he passes. Any thoughts on warm feelings?? Sometimes it is all I can do is get through the day and the feelings are anything but warm.
You have hit on the exact reason why I started this website. I couldn't bring myself to talk about my changing feelings in my support group. I felt guilty and embarrassed. I started this website so spouses everywhere could talk openly and honestly about their feelings - without judgement. Please read the first blog I ever wrote - it addresses your issue head on - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/welcome.htm
Also, read the resource on the left side of my home page labeled "relationship repair" - This is the link - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/Repair.html
You are not alone. We all have felt as you do. It is difficult to have warm feelings for a stranger, and in many cases, especially in the early stages, our spouses' personalities have changed so much, that they are strangers to us. Trying to deal with the changes in them, the diagnosis, our conflicting emotions are really rough on us.
CO2, I know what you mean. A while ago I started a thread here with the topic “I've lost that lovin' feeling.” Sometimes I feel so cold towards him. You are so right when you say that he isn't the person you married. Each of us has our own issues to deal with & shouldn't judge the other person. Your neighbor has no right to judge you so don't listen to her. My DH is in a decline right now & he is quite docile. He says he loves me & he thanks me for doing things for him. When he sits in his chair & looks so sad & pathetic my heart goes out to him, But then when he wants something & I don't get it for him right away he acts just like a 2 year old & gets mad. It's hard to feel warm & fuzzy to someone who is a shell of his former self. That doesn't mean that I don't love him.......it's just different.
Sorry to say, your neighbor sounds a bit judgemental to me. Just as no 2 Alz or Dementia victims are the same no 2 Caregivers are and no 2 marriages are. The same can be said for having and raising children.
The bottom line is that,within the relationship, we care and do our Da***est to provide the best care we can. We knock ourselves out doing the best we can regardless of our LO's ability to coopereate or even respond. Even so, just as I've told my Daughter (our only child) "I love you dearly, but someimes I don 't like the things you do or how you act." VaD caused similar feelings toward DH many times. The difference was, I could tell my Daughter andthe situation would change for the better. Not so with DH.
Only you can decide if you are sufficiently warm toward your DH. How important a part did demonstrative behavior play in your relationship before Alz.? Keeping in mind the negative effects Alz has on all aspects of your life, do you think you need to work on your feelings toward your DH? This whole life we have isnot a one size fits all. Give yourself a break.
Co2 - My husband had AD, my older sister has VaD, and altho some symptoms are similar and there's a great feeling of loss, they are not the same. Your neighbor does not know or understand just what more you have to deal with. Even if she did, it is hurtful if she said you do not love him because you do not have the same warm feelings toward your husband that she has. There are countless people on this site & I'm certain countless ways that people act in a marriage. Some marriages have been loveless from the start, others say they're soul-mates, there's the traditional man works, wife takes care of home & kids, people marry for money, for sex, to have children, be independent, religious values--on and on. She has her stuff, you have yours. If it were my neighbor, I'd likely be friendly and simply not pursue the issue with her. Change the subject, talk about the weather, goodness knows it's all over the news these days. You're safe here, no judgment, and she would be safe here, too. Different strokes, Co2. You're just fine the way you are.
Speaking as a male, I agree. Those feelings were affected early. At first she acted somewhat differently without any sign of AD. Then it became clear something was wrong and I thought depression from leaving her job when we moved. When she was diagnosed it quickly morphed to caregiver and that she was struggling with ordinary things.
We have to be careful though.
Warm feelings to her as what we were, no. Love in a different sense, yes. Love lost. Love evaluated (she's worth it kind of thing), and love remembered. But not love between two people now and no possibility of feeling those warm feelings we used to share together. As Joan said they do become a stranger even while the body remains for some time what we knew. My wife is extremely advanced and she has aged and withered now. Everything there was, was long gone by then.
I wouldn't trade and I don't regret. I honestly feel good that we had what we had. That doesn't change either the saddness which is massive or the anger/resentment at nothing that this happened to us.
Her personality - the essence that made her what she was - is so long gone from this planet. I am protecting her body as best I can. It's all that is left.
I also agree this is one of the more personal twists we go through among so many twists such as all for them none for us (which is necessary but still hard).
My bit of advice is first to ignore that neighbor who is talking through her hat! Goodie goodie for her if she REALLY has those so called warm fuzzies for her spouse with vascular dementia....
She is sitting in judgement of you and it is bothering you. Don't let it...
How on earth can any of us who have a spouse who needs to be changed, needs to be fed, needs to have everything done for them as you would for a wee child, have those " warm feelings" ( I read those wanna cuddle up, snuggle up scenes) with their once vivacious, outgoing, "geterdone" LO who still remembers us but maybe not who we really are to them.
We take care of them in every way possible and the fact that we choose to do this is out of love for them, for the past we have shared and the memories we have made. For us a certain reality has set in and we cope as best we can,
Maybe this chick has lots of outside help and is not worn down to the ground by it all. If so she is one lucky duck..if not..she must have bats in her belfry.
CO2 you may be a much softer kinder person, but, if you are like some of us here, we have a thread called 'Slap Fest" It feels good to let down my goodie two shoes and give a SLAP once in awhile.
Hey, Mimi, I love the way you just "tell it like it is" :)
As everyone has said, each marriage has a different history and each dementia patient is unique. I never lost the love for my husband, but he did try my patience at times. And just because you don't have "warm feelings" at this moment doesn't mean that they may not surface later on, especially if the relationship changes from a partnership to parent/child. Absolutely, you are entitled to have a life of your own, but that doesn't have to be to the exclusion of loving your husband. It's just a different kind of love. I never had a biological child, but now with Steve in late stage 6--in a way--I feel I do.
This is easier said than done, but don't compare yourself to other caregivers. There's nothing to gain by doing that--just tune her out and focus on taking care of hb and nurturing yourself as well.
It's all been said. I felt emotionally distanced during those in-between years too, and I think that it was a combination of the loss of the relationship that was "us," (because one person cannot unilaterally keep a two-person connection open,) plus a need to protect myself, to the extent that I could, from the emotional impact of what was happening. I think the patience with which I treated him, and the care I gave him are evidence that I continued to love him, but I did have to shut myself off a little, emotionally.
It is possible that your neighbor (if she is being honest about her "warm" feelings,) is the kind of person who naturally takes to nurturing and therefore finds that caring for her ill husband is just a variation on "mothering" her well husband. Since I tend to form relationships that are based more upon mutual communication than on any especially strong nurturing tendencies*, the loss of the mutual relationship was devastating.
*yes, even my 4 children will tell you that I'm not especially "maternal," but they like me anyway.
What others have pointed out has also proven to be the case for me--that is, that now that I am not responsible for his care 24/7, and can begin to have pieces of my own life back, my compassion has resurfaced. It feels good. I don't want him to linger in his current stage 6 condition, but I no longer have that emotionally guarded feeling.
I lost my love for my husband very quickly--it was always a frustrating marriage because of his attention deficit issues and the first stage of his illness was that the things that had always frustrated me got worse. What we had earlier in the marriage that had worked well was an equal partnership, and that disappeared very quickly as he developed dementia. I've now taken off my wedding ring, even though he is still present enough to be able to make his own lunch and talk politics with his friends (though he has partial incontinence). I did feel badly that I was focussed on frustration and feeling trapped in the early stages when I should be enjoying what was left of his ability to do things together while we could. But I tried to tell myself that if that is what my feelings were I needed to accept them, not beat myself up over what I felt or repress it. I took good care of him, I just did it with resentment. Finally the resentment is fading some, but I still don't have warm feelings. He's stuck with my particular strengths and weaknesses.
CO2, Mimi hit the nail on the head!!!!! Some people are toxic and you just have to avoid them, or cut them out of your life like a cancer. You have a job to do and you are doing it wonderfully. You do not have time for her medlding. I know that we all feel isolated and seek company and companionship and welcome company, but sister she has got to go!! She has her own baggage that she needs to deal with!! I do not have warm fuzzy feelings for my DH but I make sure that he has the best I can possibily provide and that he is comfortable and nourished. I have coworkers that have told me "why do you stay?'. Because I made a vow and a promise to God that I would. You do not have to feel quilty about anything that you are doing. You are loving and cherishing until death do you part. and I do not remember any thing being mentioned about warm fuzzy feelings. Sorry but we have our plates full without noisy neighbors!!!!!!!!
do not forget to take care of yourself. Arms around you,.
I echo alot of what is being written here about shaky relationship and then this hits. Responsibility and obligation is the reason I stayed. If he hadn't gotten sick I would of been gone years ago.
Re: your neighbour...I find after someone says something that makes me just shake my head....when they turn to leave I just flip them the bird. It sure makes me feel good! :)
Take care of yourself, we all care about each other here.
* bow* big grin...glad I made a grin or 2 here..and yes, as I have said in the past, I don't suffer fools very well..sometimes it just comes out in one good ol' salvo....just kinda my " letmeatem" mode.... who the heck is that neighbor, or anyone else for that matter to criticize any one of us because THEY don't think we " have that lovin' feeling..ohohohohoh that lovin' feeling"!!! What do they know anyway...and for someone to come out and advertise that they do have "warm feelings" for their dementia afflicted spouse makes me wonder who exactly are they trying to convince? If we didn't have deep deep feelings for our LO, if we didn't believe in the vows we took however many years ago, we would not be doing this very hard, thankless job.. This batty person who tried to make another feel badly should take a hard look at herself in her mirror...she might not like who is looking back at her... And just one other wee little after thought....maybe she is NOT doing such a hot job herself of taking care of her LO and is trying to make herself feel better by dragging another down... Don't let anyone define your care efforts or degrade you because THEY think you aren't doing a good job because you are not doing it like they would...so there and that's the truth!!
Thank you all for your comments. I REALLY appreciate the support. I too have removed my wedding ring and feel okay about that. My husband and my neighbors husband are going to daycare together but that will be the extend of my relationship with her. Onward and upward as they say