My husband has been living at the ALF for a year now, it's going well. During this past year, I have been working on reclaiming my life, and this summer, started going out to dinner with friends (couples). Several things have become evident--one, when I look around the restaurants, there are virtually no single women accompanying couples, except for me. Apparently, in our society, once you are an unescorted woman, in most cases the only people who want to be out with you socially are girlfriends or perhaps, your adult children and other family members.
Second, I just came back from a lovely cruise with my best friend and her husband. The ship held 900 passengers, all couples and extended families. It was so unusual for a woman (me) to be unescorted, that the singer in the lounge started joking with me that he'd find me a boyfriend on board!
Does anyone else find this strange? I'm 63, believed in the women's movement of the 70's, yet now I look around and the social aspects of this "married widowhood" feel like I'm living through the Victorian age. To be fair, I don't see single men accompanying couples either, but unattached men seem to be "fixed up" more frequently by friends and also have some lifelong practice at approaching women they don't know.
I don't know Marilyn. I haven't been at this married widowhood thing long enough to have a good gauge of it. I have an observation based simply on my activities of this weekend however. I'm attending a Ukulele and Guitar Summit near D.C., and at this group of about 65 attendees there are plenty of seemingly unaccompanied people of both genders. I haven't done enough of these to know whether this is characteristic of music-related events, or whether it's a matter of interest-specific gatherings.
I eat out with my kids and/or mom fairly often. I'll try to notice more about the demographic. I would think single women would go on cruises, but maybe with a friend or a group. That's not what you observed I guess? I think I'm apt to pick some kind of geeky cruise anyway, should I ever go, such as studying Amazon flora with a Smithsonian botanist or something equally obscure, and that might skew the odds also.
Couples don't ask me to join them even though we have been friends for years. I think they just don't think about me when they go out socially. My social friends are all widows and I am comfortable with that. What bugs me is that "couples" will remember me when they need something. I am cat sitting for one of them. To make matters worse-the cat pooped on the floor.
Well, Emily, interest-specific gatherings are recommended for meeting like minded singles. Do you play the ukulele or guitar?
My issue is other than working out in a gym, my interests don't appeal to many straight men (although they did appeal to DH). Museums, theater, symphony, shopping, gardening/garden tours, sightseeing, etc. I know that I was extraordinarily blessed that he would do anything I wanted--we were happy just being together. The cruise I took was strictly couples and families. There are travel groups geared to women, perhaps single women are more apt to participate in those.
Maybe I can find a wine-tasting group and drag a female friend along. Even if I don't meet anyone, still sounds like a good time :)
Hi Marilyn, I am up for wine tasting. Also, I have no interest in finding another man. I would be so afraid that after a bit he too would succumb to Alzheimer's. I don't think I could do it again. I also find that while I miss Gord terribly, I sort of like doing my own thing.
Bluedaze* I am cat sitting too for my friend while she and her hubby are on a trip, tour group, to Cuba...yep Cuba. She and I go on a hike every Thurs for coffee and half bagel each and chat..she has always stuck by me. However, I cannot say the same for others we know and while I have not been close to the wives of my hubby's good pals, they NEVER have even called, when he and the guys were were all off on a camping trip,to see if I might like to join them for a movie...yet the guys used my hubbys truck.....so there was nothing there....and if he should go before I do, I will never hear from any of them again.. As to girl friends of mine...when there is this disease in the midst, they can't wait go get away from the "negative vibes" which means anything to do with sickness, not that I want to talk about it..funny thing too, when anyone wants to know how things are going they always ask 'How is HE doing?"...only once, the other day when I took DH to PT did the receptionist say to me " my heavens, you look exhausted!" It was not just from the day to day grind but the 48 hour bug that hit me that day too.... And so it goes... We are getting a taste of what is to come... Just yesterday some friends were here for lunch on the way up the coast..great visit...then they said " and next week we leave for two weeks to Ireland"....how wonderful it is that they can travel to meet their kids and grandkids for a weekend touring and then head off to Ireland and other places too..retirement for them is what is should be for all of us....I hope they send a post card.... My DH can't even remember the trip we took to Iceland for his birthday in 2008 that was his gift from his daughter and her husband ( the ticket). It was a great trip and he was so interested in the geology...gave them all lectures about the types of geology there was :( !!
I wonder how these "couples we have been friends with for years" would react if WE invited them out? I wonder how many would defer saying they had other appointments? If they accepted maybe there would be hope for something to take root but if not, if they decline more than once...scratch em off the Christmas card list...the friendship wasn't real to begin with so save the postage.
Marilyn, I agree Pris hit the nail on the head. I don't have any recent experience with being single, but years ago before I was married (altho dating Rich exclusively) I had a wonderful friend who included me in all her social gatherings and family get togethers. I had just moved to NJ with no family here and she graciously shared her friends and family with me. However, all of the women in her social circle continually gave her a hard time for inviting me to any of the gatherings, even though we were "friends" if the women went out socially. My conclusion then and now is that most women of any age feel threatened by an unattached woman. And guess what....many of the husbands did try and make a move on me.
A single woman is definitely a third wheel and a liability.
I guess I am lucky. I have 2 couples who were amazing while Gord was alive and are still amazing now that he is gone. I have never been made to feel like a third wheel.
eek, Jang, that's a little far for a meetup. I like Toronto, though. Thanks Carolyn and Em.
Last night, I threw a little party at Steve's ALF to celebrate our 35th anniv. Ice cream and cake. Weather was gorgeous so I was able to have it in the courtyard garden outdoors--he had a great time schmoozing with our friends. One of my girlfriends wanted to know if I'd be interested in a fixup with a "spry" 80-year old!!!! What, am I nuts??? Eight years of AD caregiving and counting and I'd want to be with someone 17 yrs older than me?????? Joining new gym this week--hopefully, the guys will be younger than 80 :)
I find that the women I know that are widowed, in their 50's and 60's and their hubby's have died from an illness....not sudden....just love their freedom. They are all busy and make their own plans with absolutly no desire to get into another serious relationship. Yes they do date and have fun but no strings attached.
"Married widowhood"...as a man, I find that term very descriptive. I am 66 and my spouse has been in a Memory Care facility for 18 months. I know we all love and support our spouses in thier journey to its inevitable conclusion yet, how do we, if we choose to do so, "reclaim our lives"..how do we create relationships regardless of romantic involvement, given our circunstances...how do we fill the emptiness..the lonliness, that we face each day. It seems many people, while supportive, already have many friends and have no need or interest in having a new one.
As for possible women friends, I have found there are issues that, while understandable, create barriers:
- Not wanting/fearing to go through this again with another person.
- Creating scandal w/their friends and family being in a relationship of any kind w/a married man.
- Themselves looking to become married.
- Religious barriers/sin.
- Being seen/thinking of themselves as waiting in the wings as the "other woman"
I believe life's for sharing..and to do so makes one's heart and soul vulnerable..but I believe, for me, that risk is one worth taking. Our life journey continues..and all anyone should ask/expect, is for us to have the joy and hope we choose in life.