My husband seems to have a obsession with his wallet. He is always opening it & looking at the $40.00 he has had for about a year now. Even carries it in his PJ's. He also decided this morning his glasses are not his. He has had these glasses for about 6 months. I also noticed when in the shower (I know I am lucky he gets in the shower) he is not using the wash cloth & soap, just I guess standing in the water. I hope I did the right thing, I made a note & placed in the shower as a reminder. He thought that was great tonight, however, tomorrow may be a different story.
I just found my husband's wallet in his bathing suit!! He, also, is obsessed with the wallet. I puts it in places all over the house and then we spend days looking for it. He moves everything around in the search for it. It makes no difference that I suggest one location for it. It only has $40 in it along with a duplicate license (from the time we couldn't find it for a week and I sent for another license) and an ID card. I assume it's a security blanket thing since I pay for everything. He opens and shuts it, moves the cards around, takes the money out and I find it on the floor, etc. It's just one more of those things that highlights how focused they can become on one thing.
My DH is not showering very well anymore. He doesn't even get his whole body wet! But since he goes in the swimming pool almost every day and doesn't do anything to break a sweat, I'm not sweating over it either. I'll pick other battles. I know at some point I will have to get in and help him.
yep, wallet thing was a major issue. wallets coming out the kazoo.:) everyone gave him wallets, and i got that play money bills at party store and filled it up to his hearts delight! he has a treasure chest of play type coins that is a fav too. counts stacks recounts, hoards, you name it its in the wallet or his 'chest'.:) divvi
Mine has an old pocket watch with a cover on it. He checks the time at least 6 times an hour and lets me know the precise time. Like 12:42 pm or 3:08 pm. He also stares at the calendar several times a day. I have everything marked on the calendar. Our new library is opening next Saturday at 10 o'clock. He's literally counting the days untilhe gets to go. I'm amazed at the things he focuses on.
He also moves everything around. You name it. It's been moved. Takes forever to find it. Sometimes it'll be missing for weeks or months. Oh, well. It's such a joy when we find it. He always says "See, I told you it wasn't lost." Sometimes that's pretty cute. But not always.
As I sat here and read this I started laughing out loud as it brought back so many memories of the early stages with us, I only thought it was bad then. As I look back now I can find some humor in it although at the time it was the worse thing in the world. It drove me crazy.
He would pull it in and out of his pocket all day long, hide it under the couch, the couch pillow and under the bed. I would find $20.00 bills hid under the bed. I finally a little at a time had to just not put the wallet back into his pocket when he put his clothes on the next day. He had to get to a certain stage before I was able to do that. Oh the memories this brings back. So sad.
This is exactly what us oldtimers who have been in the caring game sooo long mean when the newbies sound so fustrated over some of the little things. its times like this, Jane, me, and many more here will tell you these WERE the good ole days, where we can look back now and wish we were still dealing with the wallets and little idiosyncrosies that drove us nuts- and not dealing with what is the reality today. divvi
I too found myself smiling... you can't help it when looking back. But, that does NOT mean I don't feel for you, I truly do! I remember it all to well and at the time, I am sure I was just as frustrated as you are now, in fact I am sure I was! LOL What matters the most to each of us, is what we are dealing with now, or perhaps fear of the future..... It is wonderful that we are able to all share and learn from each others experiences.
What I did was I bought several of the same wallets, I made copies of all the important things, like drivers license, medical cards etc ... I laminated them to make them sturdy and more official looking...kept the originals with me, …. I then made up several wallets exactly the same. If one was misplaced I had another handy to give him and spare us both the drama.
The funny money didn’t work for Lynn, he would ask WTH is that! LOL
The wallet is very important to my husband. I think it has a lot to do with still feeling he's making a contribution. I make sure he always has some money with him ... what would happen if he wandered away and had nothing to pay for a taxi or a phone call or ... ? And then I also ask him if he has the correct change for parking or some other small thing, so "his" money gets used and he feels like he's paying "his share." And I make sure when I get change I give some to him, or pull some from the ATM, so his own stash is replenished as needed.
(Mind you, he can NEVER make change, or even figure out whether he has the right amount to pay something. I have to work out carefully how to handle a given situation, so he doesn't feel bad about not understanding exactly what the different bills mean.)
Sunshyne, how very sweet and compassionate you are. I too make sure Lynn has some real money. It makes him feel important, perhaps even a bit independant. He still LOVES to buy his own paper. We live in a very small town, and everyone knows about Lynn. We have a little country store nearby, I know all the people there and we have an agreement, if Lynn goes in and gets a paper, but buys something else he doesn't have the cash for, they have a running tab for me. This gives Lynn a little independance, without ever having to be embarresed he doesn't have enough money. So I take him to the little country store and wait in the car. So far, so good :)
My DH also had this fixation with his wallet. He took his wallet out of his pocket and counted his money over and over. Used to drive me up the wall. But I also had to giggle when I read the question from Kadee. Kadee as you can see this will not last forever. Hang in there.
Yes Kadee, it will not last, I also in the beginning of the taking the wallet in and out, hiding it and all, I took out all the large bills and replaced it with two $5.00 bills and 10 $1.00 bills, it seemed to him he had a lot of money. I figured if he got lost needed it he would have some, but then of course when they get to this stage they would not realize what to do with the money anyway. I went through the same steps Sunshyne did, I would ask him if we had the money to go out to eat, and then when we started to pay, I would say, You keep what you have in case we need some emergency money that way I know you will always have it there for us. It made him feel important.
We also went through the stage where his money was not to even be spent for groceries or anything, he did not even want me to go to the bank, so I finally in tears said ok, we won't use any of your money we will just leave yours in the bank and go get mine for us to live on. That was just fine with him. We could not live on just mine but he thought we were. That stage ended to.
It is just like Nikki said what is happening at the time seems the most important of all and it really is at that certain time in the disease process. I also bought different wallets, etc. Took out all the important stuff and made copies to put in his.
We also went through almost the same thing with watches and time.
Oh, we could all write a book, they say when you have seen one you have seen one but sometimes I wonder because they all seem to follow a certain line don't they????
My DH takes his pants off in the bathroom with his wallet in it and locks the door. If I dare even see his wallet or touch it there would be hell to pay. He has been like this for years. If and when he takes any money out of his wallet he does it under the table so I can't see. I have no idea how much money he has in that wallet. He takes his pants off at bedtime with his wallet in it and places his pants on the floor on his side of the bed. About a month ago he said $400 was missing out of his wallet and I took it and 2 weeks after that $250 was missing and I took that also. I didn't even know he had that much in his wallet. It is just not worth the hell that would happen to make him let me see his wallet. I would say he has been like this for 6 to 8 years.
That is a good idea replacing the larger bills, maybe that would help with him complaining he doesn't have any money. He doesn't remember how to count money. It would be worth a try. Jane, he is in stage 4-5.
This is one thing I love about this board. When I get frustrated over something DH does - like the wallet bit - I find out that you all have been going thru the same thing. I give him $40.00 each week, which goes right back to our favorite restaurant. We take turns paying the bill. It makes him feel good to feel like he's still helping. Sometimes he'll insist that he just paid the day before. LOL Maybe he's sharper than I think!! He has to hide the wallet each night as "those kids" might take his money. I finally told him to just put it under his pillow.
oh my god, the wallet thing! my dh went through that and misplacing his partial plate until i thought i would pull my hair out. i would look everywhere there was to look. sometimes i would finally find them,sometimes not for days or weeks and sometimes they just magically showed up. i wonder if we have borrowers living in our walls? once i found his partial in a jar of vaseline ,in the bathroom,believe me,after that i knew they could be anywhere. they were usually in an odd place. like on an angel statues' head in the foyer. yep,i found them there too,i looked for days,and was dusting,and there was his partial,like a crown on the angels head. i always look there if they are misplaced,now. he still misplaces his wallet sometimes and he has to have it,no matter what. some things he seems to retain,like he knows he has to have his wallet to have money. i really think it is a security issue. it makes him feel secure to hang on to that wallet. i have to watch about his dressing. he will just wear his boxer briefs and no shorts over them. he thinks that will be too many clothes. i can see where it would be confusing,boxer briefs do look like shorts. i have to make sure he doesn't get out of the yard in only his briefs. thank god we live out in the country. some of these things are humourous and yet i feel like i am making fun of him,and i don't mean to,and it makes me feel so bad. i would never do that to him. i love him so much. i have learned from going through this terrible journey,"don't sweat the small stuff". there are always bigger things to sweat, just around the corner . jav
emily-welcome to AD 101. In addition to making decoy wallets also decoy keys. I kept copies of everything in one place so that in calamity I could just grab the bunch. When hubby disappeared with his car I had photo copies of his drivers' license as well as everything else to give to the police. They said that was a huge help. Something else I found out is that if you report a missing dementia patient the police will treat that as a missing child and start looking (bolo) right away instead of waiting the 24 hours. Just in case you are as innocent as I was about police terms-BeOnthe LookOut is bolo. I learned way more than I ever wanted to know.
I saw on the news the other night a new device, a wristband, that the police say they can track down a missing dementia person within 12 minutes, 2 officers, where it used to take hours & many officers.
DH constantly complains that he has no money, has to get a call in to him former employer (retired and receives pension for 16 years now) ...to find out why they are not paying him. He hasn't written a check in over two years, and his only transactions have been giving credit card information over the phone (YIKES!!!!). But thankfully, I intercept most calls, or happen on scene when he is attempting to figure out "what is a credit card?" Yes, we are on "DO NOT CALL" lists, and I scream at these people all the time to never call again.
The problem most of the time is that I hand him money ($20-40 at a time). We put it in his wallet, but anywhere we go he insists that I must allow him to pay his way. Be it grocery shopping, gas station, fast food, dentist, you name it. He won't just keep it in his wallet. Then next thing I know he is complaining about having no money.....again. He hides his wallet and forgets where it is........often. We search, I find, and he relaxes a while. Until next time.
I do try to "run interference" sometimes. i.e., if I see his wallet sitting on the counter and can be inconspicuous I'll slip some paper money in it. Truthfully, that's a no brainer, but I get so pre-occupied with my thoughts sometimes that common solutions, common sense eludes me.
In recent months we have had two missing AD patients in close proximity. One, a neighbor of a lady (AD spouse) in my support group, was found dead in a culvert, beside the freeway, wearing one tennis shoe and one suede slipper. So heart breaking. Found exactly half way between his mobile home park and the county search and rescue headquarters. He slipped out in the night, but a search all the next day proved fruitless. Unbelievable as he was only one mile from home. Just can't understand how he wasn't found since family was sure he'd be trying to find his way from west end of state to east end of state which was still home in his mind. They even said he may have tried to hitch a ride on the freeway.
Anyone in our area can purchase any one of the bracelets, pendants, etc. Problem is, our sherrifs office doesn't have the "FINDER" technology. My DH has such painful knees that he NEVER wanders away from the house. But I still fear it, because with AD we cannot predict what their mind is going to tell them, and with how much desperation they will do something either very out of character, or physically challenging. It is scary.
My question on the wallet is how do you remove the credit cards from the wallet. My hubby insists on using cc when we go out.I have just ordered secured credit cards with 300.00 on it I figured maybe I can swap out this for the credit cards but he has the cc and the debit cards rubberband in his wallet. Would you just remove all of them and leave dollar bills and say you did it or act like he misplaced the cards. The cc has credit limits over $50,000 and the debit cards if it gets in the wrong hands can wipe us out of our checking account. Please any help please comment
ftd, you have a special problem with FTD patients, since they are often still very sharp in the earlier stages. It's a lot easier to do therapeutic fibbing etc with ADLOs.
Is it possible for you to write to the cc's you already have, and put a strict limit on those, and/or change them to your name only?
Also, file a "red flag" notice with the credit agencies, so that any unusual activity will be noted immediately.
Also, please speak with the bank about your debit card situation, and how to minimize your exposure.
We had a different situation. I removed all credit cards when I got emergency conservatorship, he went into the hospital and that made it easier.
Before that, I did find that most credit cards have alerts that can be set up to send you an email for a variety of things, including any charges made to an account. Worked well to gauge what he was up to. Check their websites.
i would just replace them with expired cards, and say oh, we will have to wait for the newcards to arrive...he cant do much harm with an expired one. and wouldnt dare have debit card in his wallet. where theres a will theres a way! divvi
Boy, this is a tough one. With FTD, they still have their memory in tack, for the most part. They rage, are unreasonable and don't have the reasoning ability to understand why things have to be done a certain way. Whatever they think is the correct way and how it has to be done. I have tried everything to "fog" or distract and it usually doesn't work. He know that I am lying when I try to distract. I am lucky that he and I cancelled all of our cards a few months ago. If I had to deal with this one, I don't know what I would do. One of the reasoning problems that I am dealing with right now is that when I pay a store credit card like J C Penney, and then when I get the next bill, more interest is added on. DH thinks that if I pay $50 that the balance goes down $50 and that when the next bill comes it should be $50 less than the last bill. This is causeing so much trouble in my house. He thinks that I am pulling something funny and charging things. I just can't get him to understand about the interest being added to the balance.
I would either really report the cards stolen or tell hubby that you did and "wait" for the new ones to arrive. Hopefully he won't remember the time frame. Makes you feel awful outsmarting them-but you do what you gotta do.
FTD my situation is similar, I just recently opened another credit card account with me as the primary and him as a card holder. I called the company and told them I wanted a low limit and that I never wanted them to raise the limit. I told him the new card had better rebates for us and I got him to give me our old card with the $25000 limit when I gave him the new card. I cut his up and canceled him as a user on the high limit card.
I also opened a savings account (my name only) and keep most of our money in there. I showed him that and showed him that it is our savings for college for our kids and then I just transfer most of our money in there to keep the balance in our regular checking really low. That limits how much he can use the ATM/DEBIT card.
With my husband's wallet, his daughter kindly gave him a new wallet for Father's Day. I asked him for his old wallet so that I could transfer everything, and added more pictures of the children and grandchildren and removed the unexpired credit cards. He had been giving me the bill at the restaurant for months because he couldn't figure out the tip amount, so it was easy just to slip the waiter my credit card from then on. Since he didn't go anywhere without me, he had no reason to look and check his wallet. For those whose spouses can still do the math and insist on paying, I guess my solution couldn't work.
We get those credit cards in the mail all the time, you know the ones that look real but they have to be activated? Maybe you could switch some of them out?
I know you can't go only to one restaurant, but one of the things I found to be very helpful was that we went to about 5 restaurants total (except for drive thrus and such). First of all, it helped to establish familiarity. Second of all, as you get to go to a place over and over, the staff start to take an interest in you. Once they found out about Andrea's condidtion, they were the kindest people on the planet. They would even sit with her if I had to run to the restroom. If she said anything strange at all, or said she didn't have any money to pay, they took it iin stride and never blinked. You can still get good service in this country if you just get to know people. I will forever be grateful to the staff at our Red Lobster and Olive Garden for their unfailing kindness to us both.
Trisinger, I do the same thing with Lynn. We live in a small town so everyone knows about Lynn and it has made things easier in this respect. Like the police are not called if he walks out of the store without paying for the newspaper! They simply put it on my tab. It is harder when we go out of town, which isn't often these days... but when we do, I have always found it is simpler to just discreetly inform the hostess of his condition, it is relayed to the wait staff and they too have always treated him with kindness and respect. Thank you for sharing, and it is good to see you posting! ~Nikki
My DH hasn't carried his "rubber band of essentials" for about a year now...he sometimes still reaches into his pockets (not often) & says "I should pay this time"...I just let him know that I'll get it this time & next time he can :) He likes this idea ~ He also wears the Alz bracelet with the "Safe Return" program. I also put his wedding ring and another nice ring he used to wear into our safe deposit box @ the bank because he kept taking them off & one day I found one on the carpet...that was the last time he wore them. It's sad because of course, I wear mine. I often wonder if when people see us together if they think I'm his dtr...i look younger than he, altho he still is quite handsome :) But he's moving in the 92 year old mode...he's only 62. I wish he was able to wear his ring, but that's just how things go...sad. :(
Hi, Nikki...DD went out of town for a couple of days and I didn't get to her computer. I have one, I just don't want to learn how to use it. It's easier to use hers (and her!).
Andrea is up a pound (yay!), but she fell yesterday (sigh). Didn't seem to hurt herself, so all's well that ends without bone breakage.
huge sigh* I am glad that is all it was, I was deeply concerned for Andrea and of course you and Tina. LOL cute about the computer. Are you still staying at your house alone? How is that working for you? IF you don't mind talking about it. Goodness I am so glad she wasn't hurt in the fall!! Up a pound... I hope it continues. You have all been ~ and continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, Nikki
My DH is always complaining about some physical problem. We have added and/or changed a lot of meds recently, but it doesn’t all seem related. Complaints include urinary frequency, urgency (no UTI, lots of test), burning pain in thighs, etc. Of course, his version of problems doesn’t match my observations (yea, big surprise). He is “miserable” most of the time, but has no problems while sleeping.
We have considered anxiety as a factor, and are addressing that as possible. Anyone else have spouse with constant physical complaints?
My DH also has many complaints of pains...chest pains, burning in his legs, arms, twisting pain, sore neck, etc. I was initially worried that we were overlooking symptoms of some disease, but these pains go away to be replaced by others. I think it's an intense turning inward...just as there is no understanding of the effects of the disease on me, no empathy for what others are going through, I think the strong focus on self turns slight aches or pains into imagined bigger hurts.
That's a good thought. There is something else that he's had...sometimes wakes up at night very hot...clammy and had been sweating. He is fine later and it doesn't happen all the time. Could this be a problem with body regulating temperature.?..I don't think it's any hotter at night since we have central AC.
My husband has been sweating out the bed very badly this summer. Most days I need to wait until everything dries out before I can make it. Blanket on the floor spread out, Mattress bare.
He has been sweating in the winter too, but I use fleece pjs then, and it works out. But this summer has been much worse than it used to be. The house is as cool in the night as I keep it in the daytime, so that isn't the issue.
Lynn has been complaining more about his head, he tells me almost daily it is hurting. He has had extensive testing done, there is nothing showing up that could be causing the pain. No medications have helped either. His neuro suggested it isn't physical pain per se , it is that he KNOWS something is truly wrong,(AD) but doesn't know what it is. So he uses a common aliment to complain about it. That made sense to me. I notice whenever he is confused, he tells me his head hurts. Poor bugger, I imagine it does :(
awww (NIKKI))))))hugs to your 'poor bugger' and mine as well. he also tends to group any malaise into a generic syndrome, like will show me his stomach is something is amiss. or his head if its sinus or headache. divvi
And mine is the opposite. It's 80 degrees outside and he's wearing a sweatshirt. In the evening when it's just getting tolerable, he puts on his bathrobe and slippers to keep warm. Go figure.
I have noticed that in the last month or so, my husband has started to eat 1 thing at a time. Example: Hamburger & fries, he will eat all the fries, then the hamburger. He never ate that way until recently.
Same thing here. Not exclusively but enough that I have noticed. This evening he ate his baked beans then the macaroni salad and then his hamburger. Must be something to do with focusing in on one thing.
He now will want something from the kitchen cabinet and I try to direct him from my chair and let him find it. He has a terrible time finding the right cabinet even though I tell him exactly where it is. After he opens the door, he looks in at eye level and says "I don't see it". I tell him to look up more toward the ceiling. He seems focused in a situation like that also. He has all the symptoms of stage 5.