It has occurred to me that there are many elders who are gracious about being older. I am 79, he is 84 and I might have to spend the rest of my years taking care of him here or across the street at the nursing home . I wonder if I should work on being gracious. As Dylan Thomas says (I think it was he) "do not go gently into that good night". I have paraphrased it so excuse the misquote..Is it ever a good idea to resign oneself to that good night? I like him and he is very sweet. Is this as good as it gets ?
I have no idea. Just the other day I was wondering what I want to be when I grow up. My dh is a good deal older than I am...kinda like Nikki and Lynn.... I find I hate going down memory lane, maybe because I go down that lane all alone now since he can't recall any important events. And there is no future with him other than where we are now...no new trips to plan, too hard to plan dinners and besides all our friends have rather wandered away save a couple of his buddies who will call and take him to breakfast or out for lunch....gives me a break too that way...but my two closest girlfriends both work and have families so we get together a little but otherwise socially we can't do that much together...well I am the one in jail so to speak. The others who are not working are well...you know....don't want to be too close to this disease.... So, I don't think it matters much how old or young one is who is in this hole. We have no idea how long this will go on and we know how it will end...so what DO we do? We could dream about taking that trip to, where was it now that we always wanted to go but didn't get to, oh yeah but do I want to go alone now? Who wants to go with me? Others have waxed on about moving on "after" and how to go on...and it is not an easy task..sometimes it tires me just to even let the thought in for even a few minutes.
I am 78 ....and I ain't done yet...I like to say. I will fight like heck to make the years I have left good ones. Don't know how or where the path will take me...but, I know I will make it one way or the other. I will force my self to take a trip or several by myself but with a planned group so that I have the comfort to know that there are others that can step in if necessary to protect me. Then...I might venture out on my own.
I have a bucket list and I want to do the things on that list. This journey is still going on and it has been difficult, but rewarding in many ways. Once again, I have learned I can do more then I ever thought I could...
JudithKB I think most of us have learned how strong we can be. For me finally accepting that things will not be as planned for was what rang my chimes. It is up to me to plan my future. My bucket list is still growing.
Great idea to have a bucket list!! I have a pretty good idea about where I'd want to go too. Judith, good to hear that you will "fight like heck to make the rest of your years good ones". And in regard to the things to be learned from this journey, I learned that I love my spouse more than I thought I did and would be very aggressive to anyone that tried to do him anything but good. We learn so late about our own feelings!
FayeBay8, you nailed it: "The future is what you make of it. And if I go tomorrow, I'll know I did my best today."
We took good care of our spice, whom we loved with all of our hearts, and who took half of us with them when they passed, but the other half lives and needs to make the most of each day for both of us! My bucket list grows too. I have been traveling when I can this past year, and have three trips scheduled for next year (all on my vacation days, because even at 69, I still work). I have been buying a new piece of furniture here and there to make the house "my own" because I can't move like Bama did. (If I win the lottery, I will!) <grin>
We accepted what we couldn't change, fought for our spice on things we could change to make their way easier and less stressful and let them know we loved them and would take care of them whether at home or in a nursing home. They were secure of that knowledge before they no longer knew who we were, but deep down, they knew they were loved and we were there for them.
I will admit that since more than a year has passed, I am beginning to be my old self again, yet I find I appreciate the small things in life more, that when things go wrong, it doesn't bother me like it used to (because relative to life and death, it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things) and I'm adjusting to living alone quite well now. I am out and about every day, have friends I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and stay in contact with my friends (FAMILY) from Joan's place that have become so dear to me!! Several of us travel together now. <grin> Five years of going through AD together let us really get to know each other! There are some that I still have yet to visit, but those are on my bucket list!
So, continue to do the best you can, forgive yourself for what you can't control, and start taking good care of yourself for AFTER - and make that bucket list!
this thread is so uplifting! You all make me feel hope, which I am searching for. I am over my whining about being "young", and starting my bucket list too. I still have a little dream of renting a car on the West Coast and spending a summer driving across USA. I will check out JudithKB first and whoever else is willing along the way. Of course , it will end up at Nora's place, in the right season for Magnolia.
To me, "Do not go gentle into the night" means to fight with everything you have to "live" before you die. I'm 73 and I'm trying to do that. I hope I have some good years left to really "live" again if I am lucky enough to live longer than my husband. But, until that time, I will NOT go gentle into that good night.
Good Coco...I am looking forward to our cross country trip. What fun we can have. You sound so much better. We all know how this crazy condition can just throw us a curve and we really go off the deep end. I did that just about a week before you had your melt down too. But, it is amazing how we can bounce back and carry on. In a way it seems to make us stronger.
It can make us stronger, Judith. Just today I experienced that--I had an eye doctor appointment--always my least favorite. Stuff like that just doesn't bother me anymore--I say to myself if I took on AD, this is nothing at all! Even my pain tolerance has improved (I always had a low pain threshold). Now I realize how much of that was emotionally based.
Nice to see you out and about marilynmd. you were missed.
One of the reasons I am feeling better is, I had no idea how I needed some time off. Despite no income, which as I said we can cover for now, it is SO GOOD to not have to rush to get things done- and take care of him.
Got the grass mowed and some windows washed.
Today I took just 6 hours respite, stayed in our area, and spent almost 5 of those hours sitting on the black sand beach in the shade, carving a gourd and munching snacks. Very restful and got a bit of color on my legs.
Dado seems just a wee bit better on the higher night time dose of Seroquel...not quite as agitated in the day, and a little bit less getting up at night.. No tears or big messes..for two whole days...
Interesting not one man has added to this topic,I'm too busy with yard work an taking care of LO's blk lab to even think about a bucket list,perhaps a visit to one daugther in Az when it gets cold,other than that car shows take up the majority of my time,too bad we can't post pictures on this site,my be an incentive to others
Not sure who qualifies to give advice here. But if I take pieces from the different posts here I can find myself easily. I think like Bama. Realize I'm getting older and have never known what I want to be when I grow up. The government says I'm not a senior citizen but the stores disagree. I'm me and this is now which is as current as anyone.
I think routine people may suffer more during but if they find routines afterwards might be more comfortable. I think social people suffer a lot during and need to find new connections later or they will wither. I'm an odd duck that never fits into any category not because I want that but because it just keeps happening so I'm developing a multitude of personalities and we all go out together.
I want to be intellectually engaged in about the same degree that I do NOT want to be emotionally engaged. My emotions with people are a burned out dry stump which isn't that suprising since life has had a blowtorch on them for the last ten years. In time that will probably heal. But I'm with Don. There's no end of interesting things to get involved in and those opportunities are all around us - if we genuinely want them. I could easily list 100 things to do. Expand my computer knowledge. Sign up for updates on the Mars pictures. Watch the olympics. Read books that fit your mood and interests (I'm reading the history of salt but it might be a romance novel or a feel good story). Cook something brand new. Go talk to the neighbour and stay interested in them (careful with this one). Get a pet. Volunteer. Sign up with on-line groups and get involved (gardening, writing, painting, animals, cooking, reading). I just finished watching every video I could find on the battle of Midway in WW2 and the Japanese tsunami (as opposed to the AD tsunami). Car shows as Don said.
I know one thing. When I expect it to entertain me it's usually so much more uphill than when I want to be entertained and then find something. And if all I can do now that I have time is stare at the walls, then I'm going to councelling and will see how much I can learn about the councellor's problems. The easiest thing in the world is to get people to talk about themselves. That's easier than falling off a log.
that is so funny Wolf. Yesterday I saw a Social Worker counselor kind of guy, young and nice. First time seeing a "shrink" though that is not what he really is.
When I told him the reasons I came...(First because medical covers it..then..to find keys to deal with the intense anger I feel at fair-weather friends)--
He sort of started analyzing the FRIENDS< NOT ME LOL!! I mean, here I was, waiting for him to say, well you know it is YOUR anger, despite what anyone else does it is really MY issue.
When I left I felt rather more sane, more together, and a wee bit justified. I guess he did his job!
And as far as things to do, I am on board with the never ending possibilities lots lots to do. (If there was not a need for income..I would still have lots lots to do)
I like hearing about what our friends with the * are doing after. It gives me hope. Lets me know that they found a new life. And are doing ok with it. And in the end, I will be sad and lost. But I to, will be ok.
Coco, Glad you found some help. My problem is fair weather family :( And of late I have been a bit bitter about it. I need to just let it go and move on. Only hurting myself.
I like so many others, don't know what I want to be when I grow up. And hey, I just may not grow up.
Ol don - you can always join us on facebook and post the pics there. We would love to see them.
I will be 60 in a couple months. I remember in my youth it sounded old. The old I feel is from the extra weight I carry that was put on after diagnosis. I know they gain weight but why do we have to?? My dread is that he will linger for years like his dad and then I will have no chance.
blue, I finally emotionally came to grips with fair weather family and family that I thought should have a responsibility (not caregiving but outings, calls, short visits, etc). As I said in an earlier post when I stopped actively hating them and understanding that they would never be here for him and/or us I set myself free. I still think they are idiots but I don't waste precious energ on them. I wrote them off. They wil not be notified of his passing or invited to any service. They didn't want to participate in his life (no matter how it changed) they won't get a chance to assauge their guilt by attending a final service. This is my last revenge.
I agree with LFL. Have accepted that some family/friends are lacking in character and didn't rise to the occasion in terms of support. Have written them off, as she said. There is too much going on during dementia caregiving to waste precious time or energy on people who are basically worthless.
Wolf--the history of salt? Wow, I think I'm an eclectic reader but that's one I've never considered. Maybe you're joking :)
Hi Marilyn, actually it's called Salt: A World History by Mark Kurlansky. Salt, made up of the two deadly poisons sodium and chloride, was what the Romans often paid their soldiers with and even though they destroyed the Celts in central europe, they took on their important custom of making beef jerky. Well, meat jerky. When salt met herrings and sardines long before the Hanseatic league it was a marriage made in heaven and those two combinations made long sea voyages possible - hence the United States of America. The Vikings who went over a thousand years earlier were well versed in making meats and fish last for months and as Mr Kurlansky points out the Normans who conquered England in 1046 and all that were actually Vikings who centuries earlier had been ceded that northwestern corner from France which didn't want to fight them. Even then I think cheese eating surrender monkeys is a bit harsh. Thank you though Bart Simpson.
....
Even though I think intellectualism is the cafe klatch of the neandertal and self deception is the pursuit of the witless; the main thrust of my thinking is either I do the work or I make stuff up. Both work fairly well in life as P T Barnum pointed out long ago; however, one remains interesting and the other gets old.
Nothing more clearly demonstrates this to me as my mom's old habit of cheating at solitaire. As Dogbert on Scott Adams said, "why not just lay your cards down randomly then and declare yourself the winner?" Because while mom was trying to win and was involved in the game, she had her own idiom which might be described as 'I'll do my best but after all it is just a cardgame and I like to finish'.
In my wallet is a worn little clipping I've had in my wallets since I was 15 years old. It says "if you're losing the game change the rules". Which doesn't mean cheat the game. It means define the game.
This all comes together for me. What I learned and what I think I know is wrong and that's pretty much always because when I do the work I learn more which necessarily makes the first part of this sentence true. So the more set I am in certainty, the more the waves pound against my boat because when the winds are favourable it goes smoothly but when they turn which becomes apparent with the banging against the hull, it's time to change the tack. Which translates into "stop dwelling and get interested in your life".
I've now cut off two longer continuations of this thought. I'll leave it at this with regard to retirement and our lives. That made up translation is exactly and precisely where the rubber hits the road and it will never hit anywhere else. Harsh but that's the actual mechanics. Our private pain or sorrow, or the worries about our age and limitations can be captured in a jar like a butterfly and stared at for years; but, the very second that we get interested in our life - we are.
The blunt truth is that when we're stuck the problem isn't getting interested in something. It's how to get interested at all - how to feel interested in anything. If that's not true and we do have things we're quite interested in in our lives, then obviously the thing to do is bring that interested attitude along to the new thing and give it the same chance.
In my world that couldn't be summed up more simply. Learn to be interested in my new life. I now know that the 'seven seas' were the large lagoons near Venice which are all now nearly gone having been filled in, where you had to learn to sail through them without grounding on the sand bars. "Sail the seven seas" means getting around Venice 600 years ago. That and knowing that brides carry bouquets because people used to avoid baths thinking they were unhealthy so frankly they stunk. Good idea. Next.
OK, Wolf, I'll play. My daughter married a man from a small French village noted for their curative salt baths. Legend has it that centuries ago a hunter shot a huge wild boar that fell into the river and bled out salty blood. A giant stone boar’s head dominates the village square. Each year the village has a Salt Festival & people come from all over southwest France to eat endless home made crepes made by the village women, play games, buy stuff and more stuff & watch the parade. The villagers dress up in clothes from the Fr Revolution, including still wearable hand woven, sewn women’s skirts. One maiden aunt had a g'father who made hand-made espadrilles; the shop is still intact with countless shoes on ancient shelves. One year, those of us, relatives from the US, put on the shoes, skirts, blouses and scarves, including the required little bag of salt around our necks and marched in the parade. Spectators yelled at the marchers, including us, ‘arret et sourire’ so we can take your pictures. We did, stop & smile and our photos are all over the southwest being shown as the villagers in their annual Salt Parade. Salt has been very much the life’s blood of the village, leading to a renowned spa & hospital.
As for what to do about life after AD: We each have to find our own path, but I agree that there is still so much of interest. I can look up one little item on the Internet and hours later find I’ve been all over the world, learning things I never knew about—like simple salt & how we are all connected. And there are countless people to ‘talk’ to about myriad subjects—as we are doing at this moment. Things do not happen in a vacuum, you know about the butterfly.
I think what happens with CG for AD is that we become so AD centered, and there’s no getting away from that. It consumes every crevice of our lives and then one day—poof—it’s gone and then—what? It’s just not so easy for everyone to go on. But Nature pushes us, we are programmed to survive, want to or not. I live in a large city; the world is available outside the door, or on the computer. It’s a personal internal mindset that can only be done on one’s own. The good news is that most of us have and will do it.
My experience with salt was bathing in the Dead Sea in Israel. Really fun for me, since I can't swim or even float--but there I could!
I know that there are "gourmet" salts now on the market--Fleur de Sel is one, I think. Also a pink one--haven't tasted them.
Betty--sounds like a really fun experience. Have you bought the espadrilles? How do they compare with the mass market ones (I've had some made by Andre Assous in the past--believe they were made in Spain.) Cannot believe anything from the French Revolution times is still wearable--would have thought (outside of a museum) they would have dry rotted by now.
Exactly, Marilyn, Fleur de Sel is from that village and what we wore around our necks. You wouldn't find those espadrilles in a store today. The soles are heavy woven cord of some sort. Family men, cobblers, made them forever and no doubt they 'modernized' methods & materials from generation to generation. The uppers are a stiff cloth, maybe stiffer w/age, and the eyelets have little rings, don't know when those came in. The laces are simple ribbon, altho most shoes are slip-ons. We kept the espadrilles we were given, have no idea when they were made. The tiny shop is intact but no one operates it now. One day someone just closed the door. They only bring the skirts out for special occasions, we all wore simple newer blouses, but if you came back in another 200 years, I think the skirt fabric would still be intact. It was meant to be durable. The waistbands have a 10 or so inch extension and a big fold underneath. That's for when the women were pregnant, no special maternity wear in those days.
When I was a kid, maybe late 30's, I remember riding in a train over the Great Salt Lake and it seemed to me salt had collected up against the rails as we skimmed along the top of the water. I think that trestle has been replaced, those of you in Utah might know. Yes, simple salt has a fascinating history and today I am on a salt-restricted diet! My Fleur de Sel that I carried back from the village never gets opened anymore. Rats!
Good stories. How about Mrs Dash? Do you have that there. They make a variety of mixes and where one doesn't suit you another might.
I rarely salt anything. Just not motivated to it. But I use pepper and herbs. Like tomatoes which a lot of people like with salt. My mother hadn't done the basil/basalmic vinegar thing and it got her enjoying her fresh tomatoes again without salt.
Also, the palette begins losing it's tone as we get a bit older. Spices we never liked before might suit us. Curry is a decent example. When the tired old receptors on the tongue need a jolt and it can't be salt.
I know we shouldn't mess with national icons like those little egg sandwiches you get at gatherings with the crusts cut off. But if you're on a salt free diet, a touch of the right Mrs Dash, a small amount of curry mixed in, or some green onions very finely chopped so you don't actually bite into them are different ways to perk up an old favorite that has lost it's edge. You can add dill to it or one of the slightly bitter greens layed on top like a lettuce.
Thanx. Not completely salt-FREE, restricted to 2000 mg/day, so I read labels. But I missed the 'cooking' gene & the 'shopping' one as well. First meal I cooked for husband called for a tablespoon of mustard. Someone had given us a set of spices, but I didn't know the difference between dried & prepared mustard. I used the little red can, it smelled wonderful, I was so proud, hubby so happy until the first bite and smoke came out of his ears. My cooking was all downhill from there. I told him that if he married me because he thought I cooked better than his mother, he'd made a serious mistake.
Betty--I am sure you had many other attributes! Wolf--thanks for reminding me of the caprese salad, I must make some soon while the great local tomatoes are available.