Changed my profile. Our 42nd anniversary today. Dianne is still 60. She was 18, I was 19.
I got one call from a good friend who wished me a happy 40th anniversary. Other than that another reminder of what has been lost in a vewy, vewy quiet house. Happy Anniversary I said as she tried to bite me.
I phoned my best friend up in Muskoka and told him I had talked to our friends diagnosed with cancer who were told point blank he had 6 to 18 months with level 4 brain cancer. He just turned 56. The friend I called told me he would be upset; but, he had just come from a morning at the Cancer Camp up there in cottage land. All of the kids there have terminal cancer and each one has a personal coach. Jim's daughter runs a fitness company up there and she volunteers at the camp. They sang, made crafts, swam and sat around the campfire and even though they all had diagnoses like my own cancer friend - they were an inspiration that we live. No modifiers. Not 'while we can'. Not 'while there's time'. Not even 'though bad things are happening'. Just 'live'.
I'm starting out the month at the beach in North Carolina with my extended family. This is the first summer Jeff's not here. So...I'm having a very nice relaxing time with my kids and family, and I'm grateful to my brother-in-law and a good friend who are checking in on Jeff at the ALF while I'm gone this week.
I guess I would be struggling with a slight sense of guilt that he's not here if it weren't for the fact that, this year, he so thoroughly crossed over into territory where traveling would be impossible, confusing, and pointless for him that I'm ok with the situation. Given the cards, this is the right play.
Beautiful full moon on the Atlantic Ocean last night. I hope all has remained calm and sane for everyone in its glow.
Wolf, I'm sure that my cat Otis will bite me when I get home. As for Jeff, I'm very hopeful he'll be no worse for my absence. Back to the old routine on Monday.
Not so good here last night. The Ativan didn't work so will call the doctor to see about increasing dosage. He was up and down all night, emptied the box I keep on the dresser with change in it, and put it in his pj pockets. Opened his jewelry box and took out various stuff, which I found in the bathroom. Just one thing after the other. It's really the first time I haven't slept - and I really feel it this morning. But, he's up, dressed and chipper and ready to go. Maybe I need the Ativan.
Good for you, Emily. Hope you have a wonderful, relaxing week.
Vickie, check with the doctor on the Ativan. At one point hospice told me that Bill could be allergic to it, after taking it for several years, and that it was making him more agitated. I don't know if that was true, but I did stop it and his agitation was a little less. Try to sleep when he sleeps. If he is like Bill was, he will sleep more during the day. I hope today is a better day for you.
Thanks Joyce - good to hear from you. He's only been on the Ativan about a week and it's been working until last night. He doesn't sleep during the day at all - never has. Will see what the doctor says.
Sometimes it's good to look inside other lives and feel what they're feeling just for a minute.
Take Gemma Gibbons of Britain. She made the Olympic judo team only because the host country gets to put in an entry and she was ranked 100th and was outclassed by everybody. She had no chance.
Or Kayla Harrison of the USA. She said publicly some time ago that her Judo coach had been sexually abusing her for years. He's in prison now serving a 10yr sentence. Her mother felt if she didn't keep Kayla in judo she would lose her way and moved her to Portland I think it was to another coach.
And there they were in the final match going for gold or silver. Gemma had beaten unbelievable odds to be there and Kayla had earned her way too. As the Canadian announcer said telling both stories "take your pick" because both stories are compelling.
The American won. Gemma earned the silver medal. And while Kayla showed no emotion as they announced the winner, she sprang out of the arena and jumped on her coach with joy wrapping her legs around his waist and holding on. I think she's going to be ok. Not because she's America's first gold medalist in judo; but, because the piece of garbage that was her first coach failed to rob her of the joy of human contact.
I feel so low. Gave up my job on Monday. DS may be kicked out of his rental house, been out of work with a bad back. DD is being deployed to Afghanastain this month, dropped her kids off with a friend for the next year. Their dad who she divorced is also deployed. And DH is going down hill fast and no one in his family seems to understand or care. I no longer have anything to look forward to, the future is just to dark for me. Why did I even get up this morning. Everything I worked and planned for is now just dust at my feet. My heart is broken into so many pieces that it no longer looks like a heart.
Why am I still here, how much pain and fear must I endure. God help us all, sadly I know I am not alone. We all feel this pain and sadness.
Thank you for being here and letting me get it all out. I will go on, God has a plan for me. I will do my best to see it through.
Blue, my heart aches for you. So many trials for you to go through. You are here, though, and for a purpose. I am tying another knot in the life-line rope. Please hang on. Love and hugs to you.
I hope that everybody finds the strength to endure the darkest hours we go through. Try to find some solace in the fact that there are many walking the same path with you and that while it seems we no long have anything to look forward to, the truth is that we all make it through one way or another.
What God holds for the future is unknown and while now is not that time, you have the strength to endure this burden of care and perhaps that strength further down the road will open a new and better path.
Many of God's creatures endure hardships, not just us, and not just Alzheimer's. I am waiting for the wife of my friend with newly discovered terminal cancer to call me back. She has had this knowledge just a week, they have no funds and little enough income which he made and now cannot and she is about to turn 56.
The fact that we are not alone is sad. So many suffer in one way or another. Wolf I am so sorry that your dear friend is facing cancer. I just wish I understood why we suffer. I am having a hard time understanding why. I have two friends who have DH who are terminal, one failing heart and one cancer. We three are just counting the days away. And so many seem to be under some kind of hardships too. Loss of jobs, homes, illness, divorce, etc. More troubles now than I can ever remember. May prayer list is growing day by day. Wolf your friend is now on my list.
Vickie thanks for the rope, I could use it. This weekend it just seems to much.
Oh blue, you have so much to drive you to despair and make you feel so helpless. Please feel the love we have for you here. This is the place where we do understand. Keep posting and try to hang in there. Hoping things will get better for you soon. {{{{HUGS}}}}
Lets see...I woke up on the right side of the ground, the sun is shining and it is warm out. I hear children and people laughing and I plan to go kayaking out on the lake in a few minutes. Hubby is with his Lions group doing breakfast at our local rodeo...they keep a good eye on him.
There is so much sorrow in the world and I hope that we can still see the good things in our lives and that the down side of life doesn't get us too.
Oh blue I am so sorry for all you are going through but you know you are not alone. I know how you feel and I hope there are better days ahead for all of us. Take care and God Bless.
Thanks everyone,I will hang in there and look for the new dawning. And Amber, your day sounds so nice. Enjoy :) It is good to know that there is still joy and happiness out there.
I think the saddest thought is I quit work to come home to watch my DH fade away. And any future I have does not include him. This is just one more step closer to the end.
I am so glad I have you all to talk with, you get it. And fully understand. Thanks
Now I will try to find something to be happy about. I did clean my house and both dogs have had their bath. When I am down I do my best cleaning :)
blue, I can totally relate to you. I quit work a year & a half ago to take care of my DH. I know it was the right thing to do, but sometimes I feel so isolated. We can still go places, but as you know it's not the same as before. We hardly talk in the car & when we do he doesn't make any sense. Wolf is right when he says that there are so many others suffering their own private hurts. (It's just that sometime we let our situation get us so down we can't see others suffering). I'm blessed with the fact that my daughter lives right across the street & if I want to feel some happiness I just go over there & see my very adorable, very active 1 year old granddaughter. Just seeing her toddle around makes me smile!(& now she can even say MiMi, which is what my grandkids call me). If I didn't have my faith to rely on I couldn't get through this. I too know that God has a plan & if I never find out what it is this side of heaven, well then that's His will. (((HUGS))) to you!
But always remember - your hurts are yours - and regardless of others' pain, you have a right to your own emotions. There will always be people worse off than you ... It doesn't change the fact that you are entitled to feel the way you feel, dealing with what life has handed you.
Blue, my heart goes out cause I know when I have to give up workamping it will be so depressing.
I play Farmville on Facebook plus Words with Friends (which some games are with women from this site), I would really be down. I also play games on Pogo.com - all of which gives me escape while he is watching the same old TV programs. thank goodness for the Olympics - something different to watch!!
I have an offer from a park in Fernley, NV which is long term, gives me everything I am looking for in a workamper job: hours for site and few extra for pay. Even the $40 or $50 extra a week will be nice. She has no problem if hb wants to hang out in the office with me as they have had other workers whose spouse had dementia. Kind of 'too good to be true' offer. But I have been corresponding with this lady for a few years now but in the past it never worked out. I have not committed using the excuse I am waiting for ink to print out the offer, sign and email back. The ink came in Thursday but I have not put them in yet. Hb is all for the move. I struggle with it.
If I take the job it will be long term. It is about a 14 hour drive with stops which as he gets worse will not be possible. I am looking at it this way: if I take it we will see the two youngest grandkids, the two we still have contact with, for the last time until after he passes which who knows how long that could be. I will have to move him to the VA in the Reno area which includes Northern California. If I take the job I will wait until I see if we are a good fit before transferring his medical care to there. Yes, he has Medicare but there would be a co-pay with it. With the VA the only co-pay is medical.
I also have to consider if I want to stay in the motorhome. Things are going wrong with it due to age and living fulltime for the last 8 years in it. Nice thing is even when we move his home stays the same. As long as he does not become incontinent living in it should be fine. I found a buyer for the house back in Massachusetts but his brother and niece have sat on the offer for a month now. His brother wanted his attorney to check it over (a straight forward cash offer with a addendum where the buyer has 90 days to get permits, if not the offer is void) and his nieces don't want to sell cause medicaid will take the money to use towards their mom's care. If they had agreed we could of had the money in time to stay here which is what we prefer. I wanted to counter back with a higher offer and drop the addendum.
If I moved out of the RV, let the bank have it back and moved into a small apartment I would be like Blue - lost, depressed and feeling trapped.
My heart ached for the father of someone on Memory People yesterday. Evidently her dad is having heart problems and the doctor said he need a pacemaker but he did not recommend it since their dad has AD and will eventually die from it. The guys kids were upset that the doctor would even suggest not putting one in since he still knew them. Of couse I believe they were only thinking of themselves even though she said her dad would want it to. What a blessing to die from a heart attack instead of going the course of this disease.
So much sadness. Just found out today that Sunshyne, who used to post here and was such a great help to me when DH was first diagnosed, lost her DH 3 weeks ago.
Oh, Dazed, I am so sorry to hear this. Sunshyne was such a help to me when I first joined this site - as well as the other one. Thank you for letting us know. My heart goes out to her.
I am sorry to hear this to. Sunshyne was helpful to all of us. If she didn't know the answer to a question she knew where to find it. Good memories of Sunshyne.
Blue, I am in the closet with you..it is terrible when there is so much going on in your family and other family members are out of touch too. August..in my world, I hear all about all the wonderful travel plans from some friends and our girls. Friends just go on about their lives and they should but phone calls to DH would be nice. AS to the children of so many of us, they go on about their lives too..No one ever said they should not travel and have outings and fun with friends...they should. But the part about being AWOL from concerns for the parent who is ill is what astounds me...because they don't live in the same city, or near by they just think because he sounds good on Skype he is not as bad as they think. Well we had our neuro appt last week and I stopped in again after and asked if I could get a copy of the doctor's opinions. I was told that I could, the dictation was not finished yet but yes for a small fee I could have a copy...so I will get it and depending upon what is said, will redact some parts and make copies and send them to the Ostrich Girls and other family members. You know what is even stranger. my uncle lost his wife to ALZ . I used to hear from them and then him often. Then my DH was DXed and now....gosh silence is deafening.
Sorry to hear about Sunshyne's husband as well. She taught me so much about AD while she was posting here.
I was away on vacation for 11 days and it seems that many have posted of difficult times going on with their LO's. I remember the early period when we were struggling with the challenges and hope that all of you can hang on through the rough times. Post here, find a support group, and/or try to get respite! It is ironic, but my view is that AD forces us to get time away from those we love the most, in order to save ourselves.
Happy 40th Anniversary to you and Dianne, Wolf. I "celebrated" our 35th while on my trip--friends asked if it made me sad to be so far away from Steve (out of the country) on that special day. My answer was no--it was better than last year, when he was in the geripsych unit and I was staring the prospect of ALF placement in the face.
I'm writing to you from Belfast, Maine. I'm standing on the bridge right now looking around. I was wondering if the water was tidal this far up so I came here to look and yes it is.
I'm using Google Maps Satellite. I've walked around in Paris, Yellowstone, Rio, and the street I grew up on to name a few.
If you know the address you can type it in the address window and then zoom in to street level. Otherwise just scroll to where you want and start zooming in. I changed the picture in my profile to share this particular one.
Bored? Not really.
edit -
If anyone wants to know how to do any of this stuff maybe we can find an off topic thread to use to give step by step instructions. It may seem odd to some, but when you can't get out it's one little thing to do.
wolf, Facebook is a good place to do this. Are you on Facebook? I recommend it. I would be interested in learning more about Google Earth. I have it on my ipad.
Imohr, no I'm not. I spent the last 7 years working in technology but for whatever reason I've resisted Facebook. Maybe it's time.
Are you saying you wouldn't mind some pointers on how to use it to get to street level views? I wonder if anyone is interested in how to capture pictures and work with them? I've thought an OT thread where basics like copying an address and pasting it or not losing what you wrote here would be helpful. They tend to get buried in further discussions because they're not the topic just answering a specific question.
I think some of us might try some new things if we were more comfortable with how to do them. I know facebook and it's a good multi faceted social network. Just never been interested in the past.
Bama, yah I'm sure what you need on Facebook is another wiener. I could cover my 'wall' with pictures of my christmas tree. Here's Uncle Jim and Aunt Ethel in front of the tree. Here's Uncle Otto in front of the tree. Here's Uncle Otto groping Aunt Ethel in front of the tree. Here's Uncle Otto leaving in front of the tree. Maybe a huge collage symbolizing that we come with nothing and go with nothing and in between there are trees even in your living room in August. Well, my living room.
We never talk. How are you? I hope there are tide fans there and you're starting to get comfortable in your new digs. I suppose if I was on Facebook I would know.
Love google Earth. I have zoomed in on people's homes, even ones here. You can travel the world and it doesn't cost anymore than having to pay for internet.
We had a full weekend - had the police in last night. Some people had gone over to the Wine and Food Fair where evidently a guy grabbed this guys wife's bottom. When they got back to the park he started yelling at his wife for not saying anything to the guy about it. The sister's brother stepped in and the fight started in. The Rv next to them called the police instead of the manager. The police gave couple #1 the option of jail or go stay in a motel since they both were drunk. The other couple stayed here in their RV. We only had 4 empty spaces last night - was nice to be so full.
hi marsh, sorry I wasn't clear. I was looking at Maine through Google and was only virtually there. I got a little excited. Thanks very much for the invite though.
Charlotte, big happenings in the old RV park!! Sorry but it almost sounds kind of funny. Not sure if I would deck the guy if he grabbed my bottom, give him flirtatious eyes, or grab him where it hurts. Yes, August indeed.
Wolf while you are flying around on a free ticket, google Naalehu Hawaii for a look! It is the southernmost area in Hawaii, and the USA.
Hey,Wolfe, I'd love to learn how to use the Google Maps Satelllite,my GD is in Tanzania and I would love to zero in on the area she is in.Put me down as a pupil.
I will in just a minute as soon as I uncross my legs. Ow. Ow. Ow. Coco, don't say that even jokingly. Ow!
yhouniey, I'm on it. I'll look through the topics. Something like OT - how to do computer things (that make your use of this site more enjoyable). I'm sure some people aren't comfortable with cut and paste or copying to the clipboard so you never lose a post again. Might take just a bit.
Interesting story of how useful google earth can be: I was reading a story about a boy (I think) from India (I think - memory not so good!!) who was separated from his brother and mom when young. He/she could only remember what the area he came from looked like and a neighborhood name, but not the name of his town. He was adopted by a family I think in Australia. While in college he found a Facebook page of people from India. After posting his neighborhood name he came up with some possible towns. He went to google earth to search the cities for what he remembered and found the community he came from. He eventually found his mom and brother. Amazing.
Last Tuesday hb twisted or pulled something around his knee moving the picnic table so they could cut grass. I tell him to rest it and he says it is fine - until he stands up but insist it is fine, just stiff. Sunday night I had to get out and walk - thought I could do it alone: wrong. He said his knee was fine. I told him if he went he could not limp; said he won't cause it doesn't hurt. Guess what? He is limping - says he is not. Today I was over helping someone with a computer. I come back and he is sitting outside with an ace bandage wrapped on it. I said 'thought it didn't hurt?' He says, 'it doesn't it is just for support'. As I walk back to the person I am helping with a computer I say 'if it doesn't hurt then why do you need support?' don't know what he said and I definitely have no sympathy for him. It is only going to get worse = I know.
We're back to more normal weather for later August. Cool nights and warm but not scorching days. We've had more rain in the last two weeks than the rest of the summer but the lawns have still not come back to anything like a solid green. Last year was the first winter of my life up here in Canada where there was not only no snow beyond some dustings, but the temperatures were out of whack. March was warm already and April had some hot days. Not supposed to be like that. All I know is that it's good to have the windows open again.
As many of you know my oldest sister had a stroke almost 3 years ago. My husband was the one that found her on the floor unconscious. I have tried to get my siblings and her kids to see that she is in the early stages of VaD. She went to her daughter's in California the end of June. I found out my niece phoned our youngest brother that lives with my sister up here in Vancouver with something like this: “She’s driving me crazy. She keeps going to the store and buying the same thing over and over again!” Had to laugh when my younger sister told me that. Oldest sister usually never stays down there more than a month, but she is still down there. Hopefully her daughter can get her into the doctor and diagnosed and maybe medication to help. I dreaded her driving down there and hopefully her daughter will not let her drive up alone.
I am happy her daughter is seeing and acknowledging there is a problem. I also hate if I am write. Would love for it to be a medical problem that is correctable.