Yes, I'm so insecure that now I am feeling guilty about my concern over myself! It occurs to me that at 79 1/2 years old I may not get to experience some of the joys of traveling and seeing loved ones in other states. I feel that my LO will try to take advantage of me at times when he can do things for himself. He wouldn't shave so I told him I would not fix lunch for him until he shaved. Having taken his new Norelco shaver apart , he can't get it together now. He has used the straight razor and does a good job. He asked me to shave him today. I told him to do it himself and he did a good job and we had lunch. when I told a neighbor woman whose husband also has the affliction about it, she admonished me as he could have severely cut himself. So now I'm feeling more guilty about making him do this. How do you get off from a self inflicted "pity party"?
midwestmn: None of this is easy...NONE. Maybe you would feel better if you did some of the things that you think he still can do just to get them done and out of the way and to avoid any confortation about them. All of the trying to get them to do it themselves, maybe cause you more stress then just doing them yourself. I shave my dh, but I just do it every other day since he is not going any place. I also cut his hair. He really likes for me to do these things for him. At first it took awhile for me to learn just how to shave him, but I've gotten pretty good at it and can have it done in about 10 mins.
Many on here have said...you need to pick your battles. There will be many and as they get worse what you have to do for them gets to be more and more. My dh would just stand and look at the shaving gear and not have any idea what he should do...he does the same with the tooth brush...he even ask...what is this for. He doesn't know how to get in and out of bed anymore...well...sometimes he does. Don't beat up on yourself and I know that is easy to say...but, hopefully you will just fall into a routine of the things you have to do.
I am 78...will be 79 in Nov. it is amazing how much one can do at our age. Of course, we get tired, but I am thankful I have my good health. You will do fine...and we all have our down days, weeks, whatever. Come here and vent...makes you feel better. Check in on respite care and see if you can't find someplace that will take him so you can get to go see some friends or relatives. HUGS HUGS
I have found with some things. My DH could do them yesterday. Then some how not be able to do them any more. Like some one flip a switch. He goes to bed and wakes up unable to remember how to do what he had been doing all his life. I find if I help and he still does not know what to do. I just do it for him. I know it is sad and it is hard on us.
Yes, some hills are not worth dying on..pick your battles..there will be many more. It is frustrating to be sure but you will find soon enough it is better to just do what needs done than to argue..If my DH doesn't shave I don't care unless we are due to go someplace and if he dilly dallys which he often does I let him go out this way especially if it to a doctor's office....they need to see for themselves what we normally contend with at times. If anyone thinks we are not taking care or good enough care of our LO then let them go pound sand. WE all fall victim to the pity party at times...you will find different things will make you mad, things your DH does to things that others say and do or don't do.... Take a deep breath and keep on hanging out here, you will learn a lot from some wise caregivers.
blue, the fact that one day they can do something and, for some reason, the next day they cannot --- well,that's good to remember. I find it so easy to keep on expecting the same things out of him. The thing that I notice the most is that he can't find anything and when I go to find it for him, it's right in front of his face - do they forget how to see as well? Also, my dh is beginning to really balk at hygiene things like bathing, shaving and teeth brushing. Is this a harbinger of him not being able to do these things anymore? I really don't want to do those things for him; but, I said I would never clean up his pants for him, either, and, well, yes I've done that, too (I really hate that).
midwestmn,follow Mimi's words of wisdom and experience.At first, I tried to make DH do things I knew he could probably do but it was more stessfull for me and frustrating for him.YOU REALLY DO HAVE TO PICK YOUR BATTLES. I am 78 and have had a lot of health problems this last year(5 surgeries-4 ER visits) but I try to focus on one day at a time and find some humor in DH's actions. You don't say how far along you are in this journey. My DH is stage 6.
i would tend to just go ahead and help them get whatever needs done out of the way for my own peace of mind. it was exasperating to tell over and over and expect results. i did feel very guilty as well once i realized that when i would try to help DH feed himself early on, when he could manange a fork. that when i put the fork to his mouth he wouldnt open his mouth. i though he was being beligerent and just provoking me. well since many years of feeding him, i find he did not remember HOW to open his mouth when the fork touched his lips. a gentle prodding usually worked to remind him to open. it was quite a revelelation that something as mundane as opening your mouth they would forget. but yes even the simplest of actions takes thoughts that somehow are non existent as times. mothert said it well, they forget and often-- even the simplest of tasks. be gentle on yourself and them as it usually isnt something they are doing out of spite but fear or loss - over time you will see their limitations increase. divvi
Another suggestion that might help you cope. Try to read as much as you can about the various stages and what they can and cannot do. But, always remember each person is different. Go to goggle and type in Fisher Alzheimers....that is a great place that tells you all the stages and what to expect. Also, another place is Big Tree Murphy....just kind of click on the different places on that site. Some of the things don't come up anymore...or get the book. Joan has it available on her Home Page.
Yes...something can be right in front of them and they don't recognize what it is. I use to send my dh to the garage for something and he would come back empty handed and I would go into the garage and it would be right where I told him. That happens a lot.
Look up agnosia in the past threads. This is the definition on one of the AZ sites.” An impaired ability to recognize or identify objects, even though sensory abilities are intact.” I just tell people that my DH’s brain can’t process what he is seeing. I can tell him to pick up the can of soda & he can be looking right at it, but he can’t “see” it. This has been going on with my DH for a long time now & I try not to ask him to do anything, because he just doesn’t comprehend what I want him to do. As hard as it is to do EVERYTHING by myself, it is more difficult when he tries to help & doesn’t know what to do.
It's so great getting replies so quickly. And I feel much better after venting and getting responses. I'm not exactly sure what stage he is in, but I will connect to Fisher Allzheimers and Big Tree Murphy. I love hearing from the younger caregivers, and it's great hearing from some of you who are my age.
My dh can still shave BUT I stand right beside him and when he finishes I tell him he needs to start the shower water because one night he shaved three time in a row insisting each time he hadn't shaved yet. He can brush his teeth but he flossed before and after brushing the other night. It is a tight rope dance every night and I must say maybe the most stressful time of day for me. I keep telling myself to be thankful for what he can do. When I must shave him I'll use the electric shaver I wouldn't dare do that any other way. I am 79 and don't have any major health problems but I sure get tired quickly. Just try to decide what you can and cannot do and maybe get some help so you can have some "me" time. We all need that! This disease is the pits for all concerned.
I like to have a nap in the afternoon. I am good for the rest of the day then. However my brain keeps telling me that there is so much to do and so that time is wasted. but considering the circumstances ( I looked all over the house for his glasses only to find them right beside his plate at suppertime) I need as much mental clarity as I can get. Maybe most people at my age have tiredness they deal with. I do get some help once a week in homecare, and once every 2 weeks in nursing care for him.
midwestermn - do not let others put you on guilt trips. If he can still shave let him. I would suggest getting his electric razor fixed or buy an new one. Then don't let him have it until it is time to shave and stay with him if he is inclined to 'fix it' again. We all have our ways. I am inclined to let my hb still do what he can. I usually make him get his own lunch. He is still able. Soon enough I will have to wait on him 'hand and foot' - I have no desire to rush it.
Thanks,Charlotte. It's been my experience with him that he has always wanted me to do for him. Again ,he is pretty sweet now, but will take advantage. Of course the fine line is when he is and when he isn't. He was brought up as the spoiled only son who got anything he wanted within reason. And it's true, soon enough I will have to do it all - which I am pretty much doing now.
I let DH do whatever he can; some days he will shave himself - somewhat - but I don't stress if it isn't done right; Other days he will ask me to shave him. I have to start the shower, and I wash his back - he does the front. LOL I dry him; some days I have to help him dress, other days/nights he gets up and dresses himself. I just never know until it's time, what I will have to do. He fixes his lunch when we are home - although now he is going to the ALZ Center and I let him stay for lunch there - that's only 2-3 days a week. He sets the table - isn't done right, but who cares?
No, no guilt trips. Just make it as easy on yourself as you can. As far as your tiredness, have you had a physical recently? Checked Vit. D levels? Make sure you keep yourself in as good health as you can.
midwestmn: A little smile for you. It's not only the DH's that have problems shaving Yesterday I had the requisite pre-op physical for upcoming eye surgery. Returning home from the Md's I noticed DW's chin hairs had once again grown to noticeable length. Last time I mentioned this on this site I was told that there are tweezers and then there are good tweezers. I pulled into a Walgreen's on the way home, bought Revlon's top of their line tweezers with a build in light. (And a bottle of facial Nair) With clear vision in only one eye at present, my close in depth perception is virtually nil. Each time I was sure I had the whisker,mI didn't! After 15min of trying DW was more than a little agitated, would no longer sit still and I gave up after plucking out a total of 2 chin hairs and went to alternate plan B. I performed the skin test recommended on the facial Nair directions. No reaction, so this AM so I applied it today and her "beard" is gone!