FayeBay, I think it must be possible. Joan said that she never knew that a man could treat a woman so well. When she found out that she had ovarian cancer, he was there for her through everything. Joan was so brave. She loved dancing. She and Earl were to go to a dance. She had been having some rough days with her chemo. He told her that they didn't have to go if she wasn't well. He came to her door at the appointed time and she was dressed to kill. They danced. I don't know why I tell this story. It brings me to tears every time I think of it. She was so brave.
Jang*, your sister's love story is an inspiration. It brings hope that there is love after death. It also helps to know that not everyone can move in the fast lane. I was starting to wonder if somthing was wrong with me.
I did put up profiles on several dating sites for people with specialized interests. I sometimes listed myself as separated but I was very careful to describe my situation honestly. I did get some interest on one site, but it was all from married men looking for a secret affair. I was looking for friendship first and to be a part of that specialized community, and they were looking for sex and didn't want to join the community. The culture of that community puts a very high value on honesty--being in more than one relationship at the same time is accepted if everyone knows. People in the community seemed accepting that I had a special situation, but I didn't have to time to really commit to the community and get to know people and the kind of people who would have interested me didn't respond to my profile.
Marilyn, you may be able to find friends and then men friends at a Meetup in your area. I joined one for "retired in _____ County. They meet for lunch once a month in a local restaurant and discuss area events and then sometimes you can find a match for a concert, sporting event, etc. Some meetups are specific to hikers, photographers, music genre etc. Mary22033 mentioned Meetup too. I think it is safer than dating sites. If you don't click with anyone, join a different group, or create your own Meetup. Now, I'm thinking just how to word that promotional announcement for new meetup group now forming in MD. . .
Met a woman thru an on line site this week. As she approached the restaurant, I'm thinking oh Wow! We literally talked until closing time, she was a former competitor from San Francisco who moved here two years ago to help out with her ill father (now gone) We get the bill and the owner and maitre d' hand us a gift of a bottle of champagne (for the most in love couple to visit our restaurant in a long time, we and everyone else here were honored to be part of your evening! I'm thinking I haven't felt like this since I was a teen. Never heard of such a thing We depart not even comprehending the fact we're walking hand in hand (back to her car) Then thinking how many 70+ year old couples hold hands. She turns kisses me and says: I pray you feel like I do, I know I found page one of the next chapt of our lives. Told her I'd been thinking that before we even said hello as I watched her approach earlier this evening. Both fresh from recent losses, both well aware how vulnerable we are, but Wow what a first date. Her daughter and grandchildren are visiting until mid week, no need to inject a stranger into the mix at this early phase but neither of us can wait for second date as sppm as the kids depart on Wed. In the meantime t the phone and Email are flying back and forth at all hours . It's incredible feeling to know that there is still joy to be had.
Dear marty, i don't know how i happened upon your post just now. But i can't imaginevreading anything that would make me feel as good as your description of the evening. You clearly have a great soul an have given me the perfect bedtime story. I may read it again tomorrow night. Sweet dreams everyone...night night Marty.
After two years I tried Christian Mingle,Classmates,and Seniorpeoplemeet,it seems most of the women want to dance the night away or travel to exotic lands,neither of which interests me,I havn't seen all of Michigan yet,I guess it will just be another summer here with my old Lab and car shows,not a bad thing,we have a lot in common,the dog is about my age and the 68 Barracuda while looking good doesn't preform like it did in 68 but then neither do I.
ol don*, I sold my husband's unrestored but all intact "54 two tone blue Olds to a couple of guys in MI. If you see it at a car show, let me know that it is happy and looking spiffy. It will make my day.
Marty--several of us have had experiences like you describe in meeting someone new after years of caregiving and loss. We both compared it to the teenage "highs" of falling in love. I guess the depth of the prolonged suffering we endured taking care of our LO's enhanced those endorphins or whatever kicks in when we are attracted to someone new! Anyway, after 16 months I've come back down to earth and am still really happy in my relationship. Hope yours is a keeper.
Marche need more info 88? 98? 2 dr? 4 dr? hardtop? convertable? I'll keep an eye out nontheless as I had a 56 2dr 88 hardtop an friend had a blue 54 2 dr 88 hardtop
ol don* - it was a 1954 98 4-door two-tone blue hardtop. It only had 67,000 miles on it and even still had the rocket hood ornament. The steering wheel said "hydromatic" or something "-matic" that was modern for the 1950s. It weighed a few pounds less than 4000 lb. and was affectionately known as "The Blue Ox."
I am happy for you but at the same time I am jealous! I am sorry if that is bad to say but I can't even watch two people kiss on TV and I can't see two people hold hands at church. I just can't deal with it, I am hurting so much(mentally, emotionally, and physically) I love you as part of my support family and you have been there for all of us and you deserve this. Have a great life!!!
I'll be a gentleman and just say date #2 exceeded wildest expectations. Just a perfect day and evening. She's returning in the AM with her clothing and will be spending the weekend. That teenage high, feels fantastic for both of us. I Thought of the poem my wife left me "I'm Free" and realized no reason to continue with the penance of grieving, At out age there are damn few chances as my date put it, "to find that perfect page one of the next chapter of our lives" Only a fool wouldn't go for it. The worst that can happen is you're right back where you started (she's not you typical Palm Beach Gold digger, she can buy and sell me. This poem torn from a magazine was packed in with my tux. My wife knew I'd never wear the tux while she was alive. I must have been there 6 years I'M FREE
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free I'm following the path G-d laid for me I too His hand when I heard him call' I could not stay another day.
'To laugh, to love to work or play Tasks left undone must stay that way: I found that place at the close of day
If my parting has left a void, then fill it with remembered joy friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss; \h yes, these things, I too will miss,
Be not burdened with times of sorrow, I wish you sunshine of tomorrow. My life has been full, I savored much Good friends, good time, a loved one's touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief; Don't lengthen it now with undue grief. Lift up your heart and share with me: G-d wanted me now. He Set ME Free
"At our age there are damn few chances as my date put it, "to find that perfect page one of the next chapter of our lives" Only a fool wouldn't go for it."
Could not agree with you more. I've now had pages 1 through 422, and it feels like an extravagant gift to me, and to him too.
I don't see how people who've been through what we have could be anything other than madly appreciative. It's probably also accurate to say, for you as well as for me, that the degree to which we are prepared to relish these good things in life is a testament to how much we loved and valued our spouses.
marty, I really needed to hear that today, the part that emily quoted. I will admit, I am amazed at how swiftly one can find a love after such a recent loss. And yet, look at the poem, and look at how you loved your wife, and yes, look at your age. I am so very happy for you marty and your new friend, and I hope and pray for many happy days of companionship, laughter, tears, and comfort. God bless you marty.
I am closing in on 59. I am healthy, ok to look at, and I think, a good hard worker and a lover of nature and creation. And I come home in between visits, miss him like a searing pain, fix his rock walls and prune his favorite hibiscus. I long for him and I KNOW, he is the best kindest person I have ever known. And, I feel so lonely and have little hope for ever knowing someone that good again.
I am saddened how people have dropped out of my life, and I used to think I was a valuable and good human being to be around. I am now channeling what left over energy I have to help others, as it gives me a goal, and it makes me feel useful and blessed. That is for me though. For those of you that have love of a mate in your lives, I am so very happy for you.
I need to do better than that because it makes an important issue sound trite.
If anyone anywhere deserves a second life it is us on the short list. Anyone who can't see the truth of that isn't at this place in their lives, isn't ready to open to life, or has other issues or beliefs outside of dementia.
I believe remarrying or re-engaging with other human beings is willingness to risk hurt (which is huge with us) again in order to share life and intimacy with another human being. Show me where that is wrong or bad or where humanity itself is measured in time increments.
If I'm not here I want my wife to be happy. That is all I need to know because that is a core belief about life. That seriously is all the information I need - to know what's right to try and do. Try and find some happiness.
I remember my kindly grandmother warning me that departed relatives would be watching me if I touched myself. When, I would have liked to correct her, not if. I didn't ask for a mind of my own. The place came with one. And that mind was asking the question if people are watching something like that, who is it who has a problem? Don't put it there. Put it in the middle of the back. Then at least my grandmother could relax about it.
Life IS all these things. I used to have an important job. I was promoted at KFC to asst manager. We can see how relevant that is to me now. My BIL, who's sister is dying of Alzheimer's hasn't tired in 20 years of telling in unbelievable detail his exploits in the 1950's at some drill company in Cleveland. If you meet him once he will do that. Everyone tunes him out but he can't tell. His sons are MBA's and executives but he lectures them with his 1950's minutae where the huge deal he's talking about (again) wouldn't buy a used car now.
We don't need Alzheimer's to be dead inside and we don't need it to try and live our lives. Just don't tell my grandmother about it.
I owe a great debt of gratitude to Hospice grief counselors, groups, this site and friends who were able to recognize the Alzheimer's Spouse's grieving processes uniqueness. We, all will, or already have lost, our loved one long before their physical passing. We grieve the loss of their soul for years before they actually depart. I was encouraged to give myself permission to move beyond the traditional penance of grieving and explore, if I could, "just give it a try", resuming life anew. As a result of my being encouraged to venture out from the nest I have discovered much about me and all that passed me by while living the cloistered existence of a caregiver, but mainly, I now know, " I can feel that way" again. I am loving my new life, filled with a wonderful woman who has brought such happiness to my life and fulfillment I've obtained with the volunteering work I've taken on sharing the experiences and knowledge of these past years.
There is a life out there after what must be one of life's most difficult journeys. I feel now as if each day is a reward for the sacrifices. made in the past years. The reward has been so fantastic, I have no regrets having made all the sacrifices. It feels great when all my friends say "you deserve the fun your having after what you went thru Life is good !
Yay Marty!!! I found myself smiling earring to earring reading about this new life you have. Wonderful! I have a lovely feeling of hope right now. Thank you sincerely for sharing your journey with us! Ride this wave as long as you can.
I will say that love after AD can be an amazing thing. I will also say that it doesn't mean your Alz-spouse trauma is completely over.
My experience is that having had a really beautiful long-term relationship evaporate before your eyes over the course of the disease may just leave you with some anxiety where trusting the Universe again is concerned. This could be part of what you have to cope with, in entering a new partnership.
This has not done any damage to my relationship, as my partner is a wonderful support person, with trauma of his own. Honest communication is the key. But I've been surprised by myself. I wasn't anticipating the new form of anxiety. It's getting better, for sure, and for me having this in my life is overwhelmingly worth the risks involved in vulnerability.
Not that anyone thought Alzheimer's spousing left us unscarred. It does not.
I have found everything Emily says to be true and then some. My relationship has thrived on it. My new partner has a 96 yr old mother in an ALF whom she visits daily. We support each other.
This past week, I spent three hours volunteering with Hospice and learned the following day that the patient I was with passed. It was wonderful just having someone to relate my experiences of my one afternoon with this gentleman and his family. The family was so appreciative I somewhat alienated his fears with simple conversation about skiing his favorite. I departed with hugs of thanks and tears from wife and daughters. Experiences like that shared, place one's life values into real sharp focus. The several hours later a visit to her mom. Mom as usual forgot who I was and I told her to feel free to ask anything, expecting to have my pedigree verified. instead she smiled a wry smile, and said I know who you are you're the great cook my daughter is in love with: can you make me cabbage rolls. We all almost fell of her terrace laughing.
To say we thrive, supporting each other's past trauma and experiences would be an understatement... Nary a day passes when Sue's name or her former husband's doesn't come up in conversation.. I have experienced no anxiety nor has she, that I'm aware of, over this. We relate to our past and share now becoming quite rare, moments of melancholy feeling, crying and sobs over the past with total openness and honest feeling, support and hugs. We're there for each other.
Our past will never leave us nor do we want it too, There were too many great memories to share with one another.
For me it should read alien. I had a heart to heart with Darth Vader (little guy, strange helmet, we're very attached [I am your father Luke]) and we've kind of decided not to put all our eggs in one basket any time soon. I can't say I've ever walked around out there thinking of myself as available; but, I remember that freedom feeling going all the way back to highschool where there were so many nice girls and so little time (and so little capability at the time).
There's another aspect. My stock is going up. Every year I'm still around I'm a more valuable (read rare) commodity. Being male I can easily keep up that notion regardless of any truth about me or my appearance.
To be serious, there may be one person on the board (or not) who wonders about my attitude towards this general topic and the crisp, clear answer is I don't know what I want and until I do all options stay wide open (or closed depending).
For me 95% of the goal was to feel near normal where Marty just nailed it that the past never leaves us and for me normal means I'm not dominated by the experiences or the grief anymore but am mostly involved in what's happening to me now. Once I got there though I realized I was dressed now but had no place to go. There was no new me invented while I was healing from AD - I just gradually got OK with my reality.
That's not the same topic or the same experience as understanding what I am now because other than the fact that I am here there is no such thing yet. It must be new because otherwise I've somehow moved into my old world and none of my friends or family will let me move in and glom on to their lives - so...
Now if I were to meet someone like Emily did or Marty did recently that would start a new thing. On the other hand if I opened up a restaurant in a small town that would start a new thing too. Or I could just go out the door and look for interesting things. I haven't really given that a chance yet and haven't felt like that yet where I think this third year might be the one.
I'm not rambling. I believe I can find a nice woman any time I want. I believe most people can but I'm the type that starts conversations everywhere which makes a world of difference in the emergence of possibilities.
To me all this stuff is just keeping your skates sharp and has nothing to do with the game. It has nothing to do with sounding like a braggart either. It has everything to do with and is only about wanting to be in a game I actually want to play.
I started a bucket list just over a week ago which I mentioned on another thread. It is now a very long list and because I've always hated bucket lists I've learned something here. I don't have to either remarry or be lonely as my only choices. There are hundreds of distinct levels of contact any combination of which I can choose. And choosing is like oil painting. I can keep the things I like and change the things I don't. Over time that builds to more things I like and less things I don't.
That's been the key to everything for me. Learning how to feel, think, and live again and how that's actually done as opposed to hoped for or thought about. I know this is long already but I have to add some examples of how important I think this is.
My cancer survivor friend is still entrenched in the sorrow in her second year. If I'm still here I can already update you about next year. It will likely be the same. She can't face the truths and their emptiness. I empathize but it means we throw ourselves away because we feel sorrow. The truth is deeper though. She never really wanted to know much about how anything worked or why things are the way they are. "Why can't people just get along?" was the question. My friend isn't just faced with her saddness which is hard enough. She's faced with the things she never wanted to know about at the same time and now there isn't the person who always explained and solved them.
I'm convinced we often don't see the truths because of what our experiences do to us. If my friend could be brutally honest with herself (helpfully) she would see that the elephant in the room is a lifelong avoidance of knowing too much where now her only road out is to know everything and take charge of that. I see this discussed on other threads where knowing everything involves learning our rights and what money or help might be where and forecasting out what we are actually faced with.
I'm convinced that half of us that are at or near the end of our journeys here are blocked not by the sorrow but by that combination of things which we fear. As I said a number of times, I have the sort of face people want to tell their secrets to. I often then hear them squirm when I mention I know this thing even though mentioning it is in context. It happened earlier tonight on the phone when I mentioned to one friend who's wife is retiring next month who often gets up at 2am and paces worrying that another friends wife pulled single hairs out when she approached retirment until she had a thin patch. She doesn't do that was the defensive reply. I know but worrying excessively should be the topic not what you do while you do that.
My sister is terrified that 'pops' is retiring next year on half the income. One x-friend couple were so thrown out by both being in each others face all day they talked about divorce. She died last month so thankfully that problem is solved.
It's in that disgust I hold the idiom that time heals all wounds. Time takes forever; help yourself. It's not just Alzheimer's that makes people pull their hair out. It's the avoidance of the things we avoid but can probably handle or muddle through if we step up. Like laundry. Avoided it all my life. Seemed like one more mountain to climb. No idea why. I made a few mistakes like putting my jeans in in blobs and hearing a terrible racket a while later went chasing after the machine like a bronco at a rodeo bouncing across the basement with all the heavy jeans spinning in one big lump. A few months ago I did all the sheers in the house and rehung them without a single wrinkle. Bite me laundry.
It's not just Alzheimer's or being alone we feel oppressed by. There are other things and it might be them that are the bigger problem. Finances are what they are. Outside of that we are quite capable of doing almost anything. Find the real enemies and start plotting their demise. One day we look up and see it is not happening to us - we are happening to it.
Wolf- Tell Darth, sometimes decisions even legal decision are the result of irresistible urge or impulse. After testing the waters, it's impossible to resist leaping in with both feet when all the conditions are perfect.
I do so agree and I have no doubt that day will come. I'm still on watch and nothing has a chance of taking me off that. If something happens that's great, I'll know and can act then. I'm not looking for it and my flags aren't up. I see my partner through this - then I make choices.
Also, I'm just about through digging the Panama Canal single handed with a shovel I had to design and build. The only help offered was pills that could move me over under sideways down and a lightweight freudian where getting her to talk about her own problems was easier than flipping a lightswitch.
Uh uh. I earned this every step of the way and I'm doing it my way. I couldn't find one frigging thing to really help me when I was a mess and I don't expect to stumble over such a thing now that I find I don't want to go back to any of the camps I lived at before - I want something completely new.
When I do marry it will be to a widow. Saves a lot of time and puts you on an equal footing. And one of the ways I will know her is when I flip that lightswitch she will look at me wondering what I think I'm doing.
I'm happy for you Marty. Not because you met someone but because your vitality comes through the page and that is the key feeling IMO.
ps - about Darth. I'm not sure how to say this without too much information. Think virtuoso on a stradivarius except more the deliverence kid with a Target fiddle. Ahhh! My eyes! They're burning. [;-D)