I cannot believe that after 5 years in existence, this topic hasn't been discussed--but I couldn't find it. So here goes:
My husband was dx over 7 years ago and has been in the ALF just shy of a year now and has made a great adjustment. He still knows me, but conversations are gone and our marriage, as it was, is gone. Well-meaning friends have suggested that I register on an online dating site. Like many of the "younger" AD spouses, I am interested in finding a companion, but I have mixed emotions. Mainly, I feel that internet dating is awkward since I am still married. It's not as if this can be done anonymously; I live in a community--like most--where there is avid interest in what people in my situation are doing re dating. It is commonplace for someone to mention to me that "so and so" (substitute name of AD spouse) has a boyfriend or girlfriend and who that person is. I personally don't see anything wrong with that (the dating, not the gossiping), but I don't particularly want to give the gossips fodder for talk about me.
I wonder if anyone has had experience with this and what happened.
Funny...there was just a discussion last night at my book group about online dating sites, and one of the women (long single) had, at the urging of friends signed on to a free one (something about fish...) viewed her "matches," and discovered that one was a college apartment-mate from decades ago.
Gotta admit...the online dating match sites scare me a little. I don't think I will. But as for gossips and fodder--I don't know how news travels in your neck of the woods. I'm sure if I had dinner out with a man, it would be noted and disseminated by at least someone. I guess I'd just have to not worry about that. I'm not sure there's an effective method to turn off the fodder-mill.
As a general thought--I guess if you have meeting someone as a goal, or at least an interest, it's better to try something than try nothing.
(p.s.--I just peeked at the site my friend mentioned--"Plenty of Fish." A tentative look at men who'd meet my baseline criteria just evoked a horrible social-phobia in me. eek! I don't thing I could do it even if I did feel "ready.")
I'd be afraid of all the unwanted stuff that shows up in your e-mail or side bars once you join an on-line site. As an aside-I am widowed and had lunch with a man. He was my financial advisor and by the time I got to my daily aerobics class in our club house the next morning the place was buzzing.
There was discussion about that a few years ago. Can't find it now. One of our members, who was in a position similar to yours, found a friend online, but kept it online. She was honest about her situation, and it filled her need for conversation. I'm going to be busy all day, but later on, I will try to find it for you. I wrote a blog about it too.
Just found it - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/Onlinedatingforconversation.htm That's the blog. This is the discussion - http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=345
I realize that you are talking about face-face meeting, but this filled her needs at the time.
This is different but sort of the same. My son found a lot of women in on-line dating. The vast majority were crazy. One said that she was divorced. Sadly, he fell hook, line and sinker before he found out that divorced meant planning to move out. I was terrified when I found out this girl's husband worked for the ETF, our equivalent of you SWAT. Daddy was also a cop as was she. I could picture the Hell's Angels from the evil mother of his son at one end of his street and the ETF guy at the other. On the bright side, he finally met a lovely woman on a dating site and they are getting married.
Marilyn Joan makes a good point and I can relate to what your going through. When my wife was at a point where healthy conversation was gone I too became very aware of being alone even though she was still here and I was caring for her needs daily. I looked and found a penpal who helped me through a lot of the rough times just by having a fruitful conversation. She was younger and married but her husband worked long hours and she was alone for many hours a day. She was not an outgoing person and even though she lived in a large city had almost no friends or close girlfriends. We became dependent on each other for good conversation. We have never met or talked on the phone even. All communication has been strictly email. We still converse almost daily and that has been over 4 years. It filled a void in my life and I will always be grateful for her. Her husband is aware of our talks and there were times when she was sick that he would send me a note telling me that she was ill and would write when she was better. She is the age of my children and we still found many things to talk about. This may not be what you are needing or looking for but it did work for me. She is now aware that my wife is passed and she knows that I am searching for a new mate and is fully in favor and praying that the Lord brings one to me. Praying that you do what is right for you and only you and the Lord know what that is.
My spouse has been in a memory care facility for over 18 mos. , was diagnosed w/early onset of AD 5 years ago and I am 66 yrs old. My experience w/attempting to have a relationship with a woman has had mixed support from family members and the same with the few women I know. Some women see me as still married and will refrain from any social contact, some are interested in marriage and see me as not an option and some are bound by strong religious convictions and would have their faith challenged. I looked at on site dating services and found them for me, being married, largely a waste of time and money. As much as I miss even the simple social contacts as sharing a meal, going for a walk or just conversation, I've decided I need to be patient about the future and, should my spouse pass before me, seek a relationship at that time. I believe life's for sharing...and I hope to do that again someday.
Joan and Bruce--I did read that old thread and blog before starting this one, but an email relationship isn't what I'm talking about. Yes, it would keep things private, but I already have many email friends and in person friends and an active social life. But it's not the same being the "fifth wheel". Going out to dinner on a Saturday night at a popular local place with a close friend and her husband recently was a bit surreal. I guess because I was an unescorted female, I received unwelcomed attention from several (married) men. Most weird after being on the arm of my husband for 35 years!
Tom has brought up a valid point about the mixed support from family members, which is also a deterrent for me. Interesting to read of the reactions he got from women--I doubt that men would react quite the same way.
To clarify, it's not the gossip from being spotted out with someone that would concern me, it's more the gossip from "advertising" on an internet site. As well as the inherent risks. However, the Wall St. Journal had an article this week about internet dating being the most popular way for seniors to meet. Surprising, huh?
Emily, I checked that site and agree totally on the social phobia thing. I think I'd need several stiff drinks to get up the nerve to join and then probably regret it afterwards :) Re the gossip around here--it's so pervasive that several friends (both male and female) said they wouldn't date anyone from the area.
Marilyn I did in fact join a couple online dating sites after my wife passed but was very disappointed in the results. I found that many of the people there were very hard hearted and not really into meeting anyone for any reason. Therefore I found them to be a total flop and a waste of money. Maybe they work for some but I was not one of them. I have since disconnected from any contact with them and am striking out on my own in search of a life partner. God Bless you and may you find what it is you are searching for.
Marilyn, as you know I'm not there yet but I would tell you the same thing I would any friend, regardless of age. Online sites should be approached carefully (as you know) because you never know who's lurking and as I recall there was a survey several years ago that said about 1/2 of the people on online dating sites are married and posing as a single person. Remember that's how Barry Peterson met Mary Nell, so it does work for some. I have several friends who place ads in the personal ads in their local newspapers and on Craig's list. I am very wary of Craigslist since the medical student murdered one of the women who advertised but one of my social worker professional friends seems to have had success in finding men who are happy to be companions and have an escort to things they like to do-opera, movies, travel, etc. I'm not sure if it was ol don or phraque who mentioned seniorpeople.com as a possible resource.
Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about the gossips, so make yourself happy. Anyone in your circle of friends who mght be willing to introduce you discreetly to someone who might be a good companion? Good luck in finindg a companionshp. You won't know unless you try.
You know, most times I don't think along these lines ... OK, well, I think if Gerard Butler asked, I'd go out ... but seriously, most times I don't think about dating, online or otherwise. But tonight, after cleaning up a big pile of you-know-what, stripping the bed and mattress cover, cleaning him and doing a boatload of laundry ... well, I just have to admit that a little romance in my life would be a nice thing!
You know, someone who can flirt, laugh, joke ... oh yeah, and can use a toilet.
I am in no way looking for anyone, BUT I do notice men. The gym I attend is an "old fogies" gym - part of a medical center. When I am working out, looking fat, sweaty, hair a mess, and attractive to no one, I notice the men working out. What a sight! Walkers, compression stockings, bent over, wrinkles, white hair, false teeth, canes. But they drive, at least in the daytime. Yup, they drive. This is Florida - if you're not dead, you drive.
Due to impending cornea transplant surgery, i'm nearly blind in one eye, driving is limited to Publix's and days only I'll get a T. shirt for the gym that will eliminate need for polite chit chat
Partially dysfunctional work in progress with comb-over seeks bent soulmate in compression stockings for one last ride across the country in an equally dilapidated '86 Chevy Impala. Thelma and Louise need not apply.
I wonder if anyone would answer that.
I had an awful lot of fun going through Plenty Of FIsh. I then read a few dozen reviews of all of them like EHarmony and Match.com. Not that great overall but some were very successful. In a nutshell the men were generally shallow and the women had very high standards.
One guy wrote that he was fairly good looking, made good money, and was socially quite ept as opposed to inept, but he got no replies from anyone he considered "in his league". So he wrote a new profile where he said he was a lawyer, made half a million a year, had serious assets and was very attractive. He has 38 responses within a few hours.
One lady reluctantly signed on. Got two replies. And within the hour decided this wasn't for her, she erased her profile, gave the two men her email address and told them if they wanted they could contact her, and is now married for several years to one of them.
The last story. A man found someone and they were planning to set a marriage date when she told him her old highschool sweetheart had looked her up and she was sorry but.
Life is out there. We may want to bring an umbrella just in case.
I think both men and women set high expectations on those sites. I have a friend who does online dating - his dates never work out. One woman wanted to convert him to her religion! Most of the women meet him and say "let's be friends."
Oh yeah the old "let's be friends" lol that would rule out about 90 percent of the guys and 50 percent of the women. (ok ok those are MY predictions...)
I think your ad would draw maybe just few responses ms. magic,, although hmmm they may read too much in to the toilet training...kinky perhaps?
Wolf you might just get a few more, and you could share costs on the compression stockings, maybe even share to save money.
Joan--I am training myself to look at men, but it is depressing. Many of us women wear makeup, color our hair, watch what we eat, exercise, are careful about grooming and dress, etc. I'm learning that many men do not. Today at the car dealership I was ordering something and had to show my driver's license and registration. The guy who was waiting on me (looked a good 25 years older than me) must have checked my date of birth and told me he was 3 DAYS older than I am! This is going to take some getting used to.
MariyninMD: read your post and couldn't resist thinking of the old song "looking for love in all the wrong places." smile I'm teasing you. The most common complaint I've heard from women is: Guys here are like male peacocks spending more time on their appearance and clothing than some women.
Okay, today I was driving DH and aide to walk in a county park for exercise where the local Y has its HDQs. They typically walk 1-2 miles and I wait for them in the Y parking lot. TMI, while I was waiting for them this tall well buit handsome man was exercising near my car and even when I changed locations he came and exercised near where the car was. Oh how I longed for who I was in my youth! Can you spell C O U G A R? Made my day...never really looked before. I'm probably old enough to be his mother, or God Forbid, his Grandmother! It was a nice afternoon.
Middle aged uni brow woman with the occasional muffin top, comes and goes like the tides. Over and under achiever. Tough though sometimes real tired. Intimacy very unlikely but will think about it. Must love coconuts.
BTW Joan, LOVED you old fogies gym what a sight to behold!
Nup, I'm not interested...but i can look at all the nice young men...can't I? My single mum daughter tried online looking/dating...he stalked her relentlessly, she had a hard time getting one to leave here alone, ...to scary, be careful...
What is young Julia? I am liking the 60's and 70's guys these days, that is , if they are able to use the toilet without assistance. (by liking them I mean, just sayin)
No peacocks here either marilyn, more like t shirt, shorts or worn jeans, and usually a beer belly. However, there are those exceptions...
Funny timing -my cleaning lady was here this AM and asked if I maybe it would be a good idea to donate my Manhattan wardrobe to charity (all back and grey & unworn for years. BUT I'm still the same size). Closet is now exclusively Fl pastels and prep school blue oxfords and chinos. Too many men look like Lilly Pulitzer in drag with their pink and green
You might want to take a look at "Meetup." It is a website that promotes socialization - where people with common interests meet in a group setting. The different groups run the gammit - from hikers, to bikers, to sewers, to people who read reddit, etc. etc. And if you don't find a group, you can create your own! You may have better success meeting someone with this approach, then with a dating site. And maybe it would be safer...?
All comments are noteworthy and offer valuable insights and perspectives. . mostly, I think there is a sense of "buyer beware" and "tread softly and carefully". . There is a common thread with all of us, I sense, that we miss the banter, the laughter, the spontaneity and the attention. . .I really believe that one of our greatest unmet emotions is having the validation and appreciation of who we are and what we do. . Marilyn, what you are communicating is something I think that most of us grapple with and have thought about from time to time. .
Julia--I know what you meant about your hb still setting your heart a flutter. Part of my situation is that Steve still looks good--hair is dark with just grey at temples, has lost weight but now just looks lean, not sickly, etc. I agree that a site like Classmates wouldn't be as scary.
Marty--a new Lilly Pulitzer store is opening here--now I'll think about your comment when I go there!
I think it makes sense in that it's understandable; but, it illustrates the journey of the shift inside that we have to make if we are to move forward in our life on the inside - not the outside.
We may be doing things but feel badly inside most of the time.
Who defines what proper timeperiods are and what is too long? And speaking of that, who defines how you do this at all?
It's the loss and the whole experience. If we make huge changes even including divorce because we feel we have to move away from something and go to something else - it's still hard and has lots of emotions but we're the one's driving the change. Even lets say deciding to move to Hawaii from Vancouver and starting a new life just as an example.
But when we start looking at these changes from 'after Alzheimer's', we start from a deep hole with emotions that have been ravaged and a life that has been hard.
I think a healthy society has better focus on these issues for it's citizens so that we help them in more defined ways to get back on their feet emotionally over time. There isn't much out there though that doesn't charge $200 an hour or whatever the rate is.
I want to move forward, I believe in it, and it's still very very hard.
And for FayeBay*, I think if you want to move forward but feel you can't then it doesn't make sense. But that phrase 'move forward' has to be something with meaning in yourself otherwise it's all just words.
FayeBay: Using a phrase I wrote in a different thread: betrayal fails to accommodate the realities of AD. Philosophically, (Please understand I say this with nothing but the greatest of respect for the *) can one call dating betrayal of a loved one's trust, when the person to whom you are married to no longer exists in any physical or mental state that you can relate to or is capable of relating to you? I guess this can be debated ad infitum. There is no right or wrong answer, all there is, is whatever works for you. Whatever you're comfortable with is the answer As caregivers we all have sacrificed so much of self while aiding our LO's battle with AD. I think we're entitled find a little joy in our life If on line dating is a thought try it, the worst that will happen is that you'll remain status quo, if going to a class reunion or just to a lecture you never know where a date will be discovered. You may not even be looking and a casual conversation turns to ? The one emotion to be denied at all costs after what we are all enduring or have endured is feelings of guilt. We go through that every day with the questioning ourselves, is there anything else I can/should be doing. Just be comfortable with your choices
I am not asking for judgement, right or wrongs, theories, or opinions. I ask if there is anyone who has ever felt disloyal and had a sense of betrayal to tell how they dealt with it. If you have never felt this way then there is no way you can tell how you dealt with it. What I am trying to ask is, if anyone has dealt with this issue how did you work through it.
FayeBay*..I am only coming up to 9 months so I am not thinking of anybody, anytime soon. However, my story comes from my late sister. She worshipped the ground her husband walked on. When he passed away after 45 years of marriage, we were really worried that she would just give up. Two years later, she met a man. First she told him to go and look at somebody else. Then she agreed to go out with him. She agonized over her decision before the date and after. She was devastated that she had betrayed her husband. The man was a lovely person. Really, he was far better to her than her husband had been. Bit by bit, date by date, he wore her down. They were a lovely couple and she was so happy with him. I guess I am saying that if it is something you want to try, maybe it won't come easy.
Jang*, I've been thinking along those lines. For some it takes finding someone who cares enough to help us work through these issues. I do understand that as we age we wonder if we are going to have that time. I also believe if it's meant to be it will happen. Thanks. I was just thinking. I was always taught if you loved more than one man you were cheating. Could it be possible to love one man and love the memories of another?
silly, but sorry Marilyn I did not mean to make a joke of it...
There are so many awesome people on this site, seems, like a nice chance at companionship here. I mean, it is unlikely that anyone here is a troll,,,,....
It is very hard not having someone to have a conversation with on a regular basis. Guys do not talk to guys about life in general the same way a guy can talk to a woman. I decided I would go online and see if I could make a pen pal. I found a site that was called "Senior People Meet". It didn't appear to be a dating site to me so I joined it and made a profile. The only problem I found once I made my profile it did not have a listing for married. I selected "legally separated" from the four choices in the drop box. The other three were Divorced, Single and Widowed. I couldn't bring myself to use any of those. I did get an email from a lady in Ohio that wanted to chat. I replied to her and we are now pen pals. Below is the reply I sent her:
Hello _______, I would enjoying chatting with you. I want to be totally up front about myself. I signed on this site because it said Senior People Meet and did not appear to be a dating service until after I joined it. Legally Separated is not right. I am married. My wife has severe Alzheimer's Disease and is under Hospice care. I keep her at home and plan to take care of her for as long as she needs me and I can medically take care of her. When she reaches that point I plan to be with her everyday at the Hospice facility also.
She know longer knows who I am or that we are married and I know that the woman I fell in love with and married is no longer there but that doesn't matter to me. She is my responsibility and I still love her,
I don't mean to be depressing but do not want to mislead anyone. I am not at this time looking for a relationship or sex or anything like that. I would really enjoy having a friend to talk to just about everyday life. You sound like a great person in your profile and I believe I would enjoy having you as a pen pal and maybe someday a friend also. So if you would like a pen pal for now and a friend later I'm your guy.
She replied and said she would be happy to be my pen pal and it is working out well. Turns out she is a retired nurse and understood what I was saying.
I think as long as you are upfront about everything and you don't let it interfere with your responsibility to care for your loved one you are not doing anything wrong.
coco, we need to laugh as much as we can. One thing I miss the most is Steve's silly sense of humor and his playfulness and loving teasing. He still "tells" jokes, but now they are in his gibberish language and I can only recognize that he's trying to make me laugh from the look on his face and his delivery, not the words. So joke away, it's fine with me...