Yesterday our daughter and i took Dh into placement...i don't know how i'm feeling right now...numb,sad,can't believe the time had really come and has happened.
A bed came up in a really nice place close to home, i had to decide in just a day. I had his name down at 8 different homes, and kept ringing and asking if anything was available....finally i think this lady at this home could see i just couldn't care for him anymore...he is getting very angry and just smashes anything and everything he has in his hands. My fridge freezer doors are all dented...door handles and locks are useless, will need to get a locksmith.
He has a lovely clean single room with his own bathroom, the kids took days off work to help me set up his room. We bought him a little flat screen TV, and hung photos , a quilt on the bed a recliner with a nice cushion...I think he'll be very comfortable there in his own room. Funny thing about the recliner, we both have one each exactly the same colour etc..I took mine so he would not miss his...he didn't even realize mine is gone...and I was so worried as to what to say if he noticed it was gone.
It's a nice place, as far as N/homes go...the best we've seen. The staff are friendly, lots of room to walk around, they have outings in their bus, and activities, so I'm happy with this place...the kids also like it
Daughter got him to carry his bag in, he didn't even ask what was in it.As soon as he walked into the home, it was like he was a different person. The rooms all have pictures on the doors that is meangful to that person with their name...so son had a sign made up for his room door with his old work place logo, and his name on it...well, I think he thought he was at his old work place. He was quite happy to be there, made friends with a few of the other people. I don't think he comprehends he's there for good now. It's a lovely place, I'm very happy with it, 16 single rooms, men and women...very clean, no smell, the staff are friendly and caring...I just hope he settles, they say it will take a couple of weeks to settle.
i'm not very good at writing how i feel, but it's the hardest gut wrenching thing i have had to do...♥
Julia, sorry the time has come. You now need to get some quality rest so you can be ready for the next phase which will be being his advocate. Take care of yourself.
Julia, I am so sorry that it has come to placement for him, but it is good you found a place that you like and has good care. Altho DH was only in an ALF for a short time, I cried every day-when I left him after a visit, at night when I was alone in bed, in the morning when I was eating breakfast alone. I was in shock and so deeply saddened to my core. I sought an experienced counselor to help me come to terms with the loss and change in roles. It helped. I too am hoping for a quick adjustment for you both (((HUGS)))
julia, i am glad you made the decision to go ahead early to place with his violent behaviors. its never never easy to make the gutwrenching decisions but its for his and your good to have him settled in a comfortable safe environment. you did right thing, dont second guess. give it a couple weeks and you will feel better hopefully after seeing him adjusted. its a good sign he made friends and is happy the first day. divvi
Julia, I too am sorry for your broken heart. I think that is the one good thing about Gord's passing. I didn't have to deal with this terrible thing that so many of you have had to face. I don't know how I would have done it.
First there is the pain of diagnoses, then comes all the changes that we have to deal with and steel ourselves to, then there is placement which sounds like it tears your heart and soul out and then the finality of death. No wonder our souls, bodies and hearts are damaged and scarred.
Thank you all so much for your support and caring..
Divvi, already I'm second and third guessing...did I do the right thing? It's the third day, and i think it's just now hit me that he's not coming home...this is fo real...i feel like a bomb has just hit me. The house is so quiet, don't feel like cooking myself dinner...cereal is quick and easy just now.
I popped in to see him yesterday to drop off some fresh fruit ...they were all outside playing skittles, laughing and seemed to enjoy it all..Dh was the score keeper. He was so happy to see me, didn't stop telling everyone that I'm his wife. I stayed to see what was going to be for lunch, small piece of steak, carrots, green beans and mashed potatoes, dessert was custard with chopped up banana...small servings, but he enjoyed it. As I was leaving he thought he could come too...that was the hard part.
So much paper work to fill in now, make sure they get his meds right...they have their own Dr's and meet his new Dr that will be taking care of him...have his medical records transferred over..
Julia, My DH was placed three months ago and I still haven't cooked for myself. I did buy some healthy TV dinners and decided they are healthy because you can't eat them they are so bad! For the first month DH wanted to come home with me but then he stopped asking/telling. Right now he is in a psych facility because he was violent so I am hoping they can help him.
Oh Jean 21...I pray they can help your DH too...the anger and violence is the worst to have to bear.
Dh came very close to hitting me, but would take it out on the furniture instead....neighbours next door could hear him and they would ring me to see if i was Ok. They said it will take a few weeks for him to settle...I hope so sooner rather than later.
Julia, whenever I left DH in the beginning I told him I had to go to a meeting. He was always fine with that fiblet. Now eighteen months later, he sleeps most of the time I'm visiting. He's usually not even aware that I am there.
Thanks Charlotte, rpmaz, I'll try those fiblets....leaving him is the hardest after a visit. I'm starting to think I should have kept him home longer...I didn't go to see him yesterday, I thought it might be better for him and me if i didn't go everyday...but I cried all day yesterday, missed him so much. So much guilt and sadness sweeps over me. I think, I'm taking this harder than he is Friday we had a lovely day, got his hair cut and had lunch out, then when it was time to go back and leave him, he stared getting upset.The staff member told him i was just going to the shops and would be back later...
Yes, Julia, it is often harder on us than on the LO. We come home with a hole in our heart, likely an empty house & empty bed--and 2nd guessing over and over- trying to establish a new life but still pulled constantly to the old one. Not that it's easy for them having to adapt to a new place & strange people, but they usually adjust in a few weeks, get constant attention & diversion, too soon forget us & the home they left. I remember how our children, too, fixed up DH's room with photos & books of his work and family--so loving. And then he took up w/another woman, introduced her to everyone as his wife, Betty Lee. So he recreated the life he wanted, even found a way to still be married to me. Give it time, Julia, give it time. It's your only option, like a physical surgery, you need to heal. And you will, I promise.
Thank you Bettyhere*... Everyone tells me it's for the best...I just can't see that right now. I would bring him home in a heart beat...but i know It's only been not even a week. How sad it must have been for you when he introduced her as his wife...My Dh gets on well with the ladies there, so who knows what life he will make of it. Thank you for your suppport..