A couple of weeks ago when my dh took the major down turn and continues on that slide, but much slower, I decided instead of wasting time and strength on should I call his sons and tell them or should I not call them. I decided to call his one son over the weekend and get it over with so my mind wouldn't keep driving me crazy should I or should I not make that call. His sons have not called him or been in contact with him since before Christmas. Well, tonight the one son decides to call him. (The call came through my cell phone since I had his phone discontinued and all calls to him forwarded to me).
Well, after he talked with the son for about 5 mins. and used up the 5 word sentences that made little sense he then had to start repeating, repeating what he said because he no longer can carry on a convervation. My dh then handed the phone to me. His son was shocked the way his father spoke...like...DUH. Of course the son never believed me when I would tell him months ago how bad his Dad was and he would only continue to get worse.
Now here comes the zinger.....When I start talking to the son, almost the first words out of his mouth were...does his Dad have a will?? Can you believe that type of question to me at this time or anytime?? I was so ticked, but I kept my cool and said...yes, we both have wills and did them some time ago. The real zinger is yet to come and that will be when the sons find out their Dad only left them a few hundred dollars. Zinger number 2 will be when the sons find out both our wills state that there can be no distribution of assets until we both are dead.
The one son said that both of the sons want to come out and see their Dad when he gets worse. I don't think that will happen....I don't want to see them in my home EVER. I don't think I will call them until it is over.
4ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSDDDDDDDDDDDDCCXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB NOW THAT MY 4 MONTH OLD KITTEN AS HAD HER SAY.... Yes I have had a zinger or two like that...about my jewelery. I have a beautiful wedding ring,,DH gave me the center diamond for Christmas 26 years ago and 3 years ago I found a semi mount that really sets it off.. All of his girls have asked me " who gets that when you die" to which I said " who says I go first?"..then this last trip this question was asked again and I said well none of you are getting it. M is getting her diamond back that I bought from her to help them out when they had financial problems and she gets that back. All the rest is going to be sold and funds made go to charity..You should have see the jaws hit the floor.
I too think this is very cheeky for anyone to ask those kinds of questions..Our girls will find out they will have to wait until I get my cloud before they get anything out of the assets of their dad's half of the house..I am the one with whatever money we have thanks to my parents and I dare say a chunk will be used for HIS care...
Right now I feel sort of like you do about these adult kids...they live far from us, 2 out of the country. I wonder if they have a piggy bank for emergency trips home if their dad gets really bad or is it all going for dinners and trips etc...It is so easy to keep yourself shielded from the reality of what is happeneing especially when great miles are between parent and kid. Perish the thought that any of them might just come up and say " hay...I have a break in my schedule next month or in two months...how about i come stay with dad/mom and you take some time to do what you would like..visit friends you haven't seen, take a trip and see musesums etc....Yeah and when pigs fly!
I agree with emily-such a smart kitty! No children here but I know the brothers are waiting.....but god forbid they should call or take DH out for an afternoon.
Judith KB, that last paragraph really did it . They're going to come and see him when he gets worse??? Are they nuts? And, to even ask about a will. Sometimes step-kids are unbelievable.
Mimi, when I started reading your post I was thinking along similar lines, except you could say that you will be selling the ring to pay for their father's care. Then I read what you did say and it was perfect.
Good for you!! Do not budge for them. My dh's oldest son lives next door to us. The only time he darkens the door is to borrow something. I fume everytime he shows up. He will even mow his yard right up to the driveway and leave ours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love those step-children! God forbid they should ever come and take him out for a few hours so I can get a break! Of course, the same can be said for the rest of his family, too! I used to suggest it, but all I got were excuses. "What if he has to go the bathroom?" "What if he has an accident?" "We would, but he will cry for you." Well, if the jackasses had even spent 5 minutes alone with him in the last year, maybe he wouldn't cry. I guess that makes me "SUPERWOMAN". Where the hell is my big "S" and my red cape, dammit!? Originally, his will had 2 beneficiaries - me and his brother. His children were excluded by name...and that was when he was well! Now everything goes to me and if I should go first, everything goes to my daughter Maria. Yeah, Maria, the bitch who doesn't put up with anyone's crap. The same Maria who rented out her house and moved back home with her family and virtually gave up her life so I could quit work and stay home with Lloyd. Maria who has carried him up to bed on her back when he couldn't walk. That was some profanity, Kitty! Well said!
What is it about stepchildren?!!! DH and I got married in the Keys - didn't tell anyone - and afterward, when he called his daughter to share the news, the first words out of her mouth: "Did you get her to sign a prenup?" OMG.
As the second wife, I have been made to feel like an outsider by his sister and his daughter. I really resent that. I don't even want to think of the trouble his daughter will try to stir up, if her dad dies first. Luckily we have a trust, which is not a public document, so she'll just have to wait.
I mean that if her dad dies first, and she demands to see the will ... the will simply states that everything is handled through the trust. I think it is called a pour-over will. After I die -- and I hope she won't try to hasten that! -- then she will see what is in the trust and how things are distributed.
I see..thank you. Our trust says no one gets any thing until we both or dead. I don't know if that means his sons will find out what is in the will if just his Dad dies. I will have to take another look at all the paper work and there is lots of it.
Yeah these trusts...they are complicated in that they are in such legaleese. But ours is that if he goes first, everything comes to me. I even suggested that perhaps I should just have the house appraised and " buy them out" so to speak...that whatever his half would be just divide by 3 and distribute. but he said NO WAY IT ALL GOES TO YOU AND THEY CAN WAIT...they have married and kids of their own....so they get zip until I am in heaven with my DH and I don't plan on going there anytime soon...In my trust I can add goodies, jewelery or china etc and just write it in and that is it...so need to do that gift thing otherwise things will be sold...and unless I change my part of the trust, they are listed to receive something from me but if they don't start to pay more attention to their dad's condition...that is well likely to change..Grandkids are not in the list at all..I will not bestow things upon family who have no interest in simple communication other than once year Christmas cards...Not after all the times we went to see them, took them on trips as kids etc..nope a realtionship takes two and if they put no effort into it they get left out with no regrets on my part.
Yes my kittens are very smart little girls..Tuxies are known to be Mensa league kitties..hahahaha
WOW...how lucky you are to have such smart kitties. Your Grandkid issues sound so like my 4 Grandchildren. How wonderful they were when they were little and I spent so much time with them...now they hardly know I am alive. But, that is life in this day and age and they are busy with their lives so I try not to be too hurt...but it does hurt. It makes it easier when I think that their time will come and they will know how we feel now.
Lloyd's kids are worthless so he doesn't see those grandchildren at all. I doubt he would know who they were if he saw them. But my kids adore him. And I have 11 grandkids - 24, 21, 19, 19, 17, 16, 9, 7, 5, 4, and 2. The oldest 5 are boys, one of which is in the Navy now and they all spend time with Grandpa. The 16-yr-old is a girl and she used to live with us and has always snuggled with him. The 5 little ones belong to my only son and we ride to church with them and have lunch at their house almost every Sunday. Evan, 9, is the only one who knew Grandpa before he was sick. Lloyd showed signs when Kamden, 7, came along and he used to be so mean to her. She would explain that Grandpa was mean because he was sick. Then Noah, 5, was adopted. Noah was a special needs baby and Grandpa understood that and spent extra time with him. Ayla, 4, has only ever known him since the AD. She has a tendency to take care of him and she feeds him. Eli, 2, was adopted and he always holds Grandpa's hand at church so he won't stray. Eli senses when Lloyd has a problem and he will go to him and look in his eyes and say "Papaw?'. So we are blessed with good kids and amazing grandkids. The 5 oldest drive and visit every week plus the 17-yr-old lives with us. And 3 have girlfriends that always hug Grandpa as soon as they come in the door. So his kids have no impact on me whatsoever. I can't make them spend time with him so I just let it go. There are sure a lot of us with step-children!!! Mary75, they will bring a pox on themselves, I do believe.
I am torn on how to answer when they ask if there is a will. Good or bad, it helps to know. My MIL told us or indicated they had wills, but when she died leaving my FIL with AD, we found no will. Since there was no will, we let my hb's brother be guardian over their father which meant that he has handled everything the way HE wants to.
I think if you don't want to let them know what is in the will and you have assets (we don't) you need to at least give them the name of the attorney to contact in case of your death. I know many who ask do it in a voice of 'waiting in the wings' for whatever they can get, but when they do maybe give them the name of the attorney or person handling the trust. Tell them no more.
I saw this early when I scanned E-harmony the dating service. I talked about it in general ways with most of my friends but only my sister got it.
Almost all of the hundreds of ads with a lot of nice women (wasn't looking at men) said the same thing which is an obvious thing but also very telling.
In their profile in which they are advertising that they are interested in meeting a new "mr right" lets call him, they say time and again that the most important thing in their lives is their children or child.
Stop for a second. Of course that's true. But what they're really saying is "you have to fit into my picture" and what they're not saying is "I am ready to invest in someone new". These are the words by which they are saying what they are and it would be obvious to almost everybody that your children whatever age they are - are the most important thing in your life especially with no husband any more (which is why you are there in the first place).
And if two people both with grown up children both come to each other understanding that the two sets of children are the most important thing about them getting together - I just have to laugh.
That's not a willingness to have a new personal relationship. That's a three way corporate merger.
If I meet someone who has children I will know that if things move along then I will be trying to be accepted by her grown children. But if being accepted by her grown children is in any way a condition - I will know that this person is immature and trying to paint me into some sort of vacant position.
My sister who has 3 grown children and 7 grandchildren immediately asked why anybody would say in a personal ad looking for someone who might become "most important" that they already weren't?
Everybody else said they would be supportive of my meeting someone new and would welcome them which is both nice and nuts.
If I meet someone I have the slimmest chance of eventually loving I will not be working to fit that person into the glove compartments of my old life and I answered my friends and family that they wouldn't be meeting her for quite some time.
I would be investing my soul into this new relationship and if it became something that we both were at a point and had discussed it together that we felt the two of us knew - then and only then would the grown children and some ways behind that, previous friendships be relevant.
If that's not true either run away, realize you are willing to bend to fit into 'her' life, or start reading about successful mergers because that's what you have.
I can promise you that "I want you to meet the children" early as criteria is the fat lady singing. Goodbye. Because you have a preconception you need me to fit into. That's as deceitful as it is stupid.
Having non adult children is different. I would be undertaking to help raise them and it's legitimate criteria right out of the gate. But then I would know there would be natural resentment and I would already be willing to work with that.
Two or three years from now I might be interested and while I know this is a different slant on the topic, I can promise you I will never be embroiled with the antics of grown up children which is an oxymoron anyway. WE might be, but I will not.
This becomes clearer when I add that I wouldn't take anyone seriously who felt their parents had to like me in order for them to love me either.
What happens to the trusts when you meet someone new. Are they set in perpetuity?
Wolf, you are so right about all of it. When I was an older single I knew that for any relationship to be permanent that I had to come first or else I didn't want to be in the picture. This ruled out a couple of nice guys, but I wasn't going to play second fiddle to a spoiled teenager in one case and in another, he had to have the approval of absolutely everyone else, including ungrateful kids. DH has always put me first, but I really lucked out with his wonderful daughter who told me that I was a gift to their family. We've been on the same page re. Alzheimers from Day One and really appreciate each other. Sure wish that my wonderful husband and I could have our Golden Years back and grow older together. I might add that there seem to be some women who have no idea of what an adult relationship is all about.
PrisR, Lloyd and I first met when I was 15 and he was 16. Our lives took us in different directions for about 28 years. When we got together, I told him what my priorities were right up front....job, kids, grandkids who lived with me, me. It didn't mean that he wouldn't be the most important thing in my life. It just meant I had other responsibilities...things I had to take care of. I also told him everything would be good as long as there was no lying, no cheating, and no hitting. Did this all before the first date (second time around) and he has been with me ever since. I just didn't want to waste my time or my life or my energy on someone who wasn't up to my standards. And I had come to a new place in my life where I liked myself a lot and wasn't needy or dependent. His kids are a pain in my butt, but that has nothing to do with our relationship. I can't deal with them so I don't. Early on, his youngest came to live with us and was hell bent on breaking us up. He packed her stuff up one day and they both were moving out. I told him if he thought he was all she had in this world; then, by all means, go. Then I reminded him what having a 15-yr-old daughter alone and working a swing shift would be like. He took her to her mother, dropped her off, and came home the same day. Has been here ever since. He has given me the best years of my life. And our devotion to each other has set an example for all our children whether they want to admit it or not. And I wouldn't trade him today for another man in perfect health!
Well, his 2 oldest had kids of their own when we got together. He was kind of susceptible to being a doormat for the kids out of guilt, but he got over it. He felt guilty for divorcing the moms, but sometimes the kids' lives with certain parents apart are better.
JudithKB this is so heartbreaking I bet you wish you had not said anything. Callous and cold and selfish the world seems to be. If not for the very few gems I know I could not go on. And for the hope, that some can actually change.
Here you are , having the struggle of a lifetime, doing a great job, and then being walked over like you do not matter. I am angry at these kids, I am angry at my in laws too, just %#4!! angry and so disappointed.
If not for comments here about the many good people that ARE around, and for the very few I have met lately, life would be not worth it, truly.
JudithKB, his kids should know he has a will, but what is in it is none of their business. Don't waste any more of your time or energy on them. You need all you have to do what you do every day. Lloyd's kids say they are going to come and see him. They've lied so many times, I don't pay attention any more. He hasn't seen his kids for over a year. I had a birthday party for him in 2011 and 2 of the 3 showed up. His son was there for the whole time and his daughter showed up after 90% of the people had gone home. I don't care. It was for him...not them.
A will is a public document ... I just don't know when it becomes a public document. A trust is not.
If DH died, his daughter could demand to see the will. But it won't have any info in it. It just refers to the trust.
Wolf, my understanding is that trusts can be revocable or irrevocable. As far as "when you meet someone new," I think finances and such have to be hammered about between a couple before they get married. It's just one more thing that has to mesh just right.
I know people who live together but won't marry, because they are protecting assets.
I remember when I worked at the bank. This dear lady came in, very upset. She had nursed her husband with Alzheimer's for many years. His daughter had not come to see him in years and had not bothered with him. Once he died, she demanded to see the will and immediately stated that his signature was forged. This poor lady needed us to pull documents from the archives that showed his signature on documents that were prior to diagnoses. I remember then being so angry with that daughter. Of course, at the time, I had no idea what that lady had been through as a caregiver. A pox on a lot of stepchildren and even a lot of children, sadly.
I double checked our wills this morning and they are called "Pour-Over wills". Everything goes into trusts and thereis no distribution of anything until I die and anything that was left out of the trusts still go into the the trusts.
I have seen death, be it from old age or some disease process bring out the worst in people you would never suspect would behave that way. It is all about GREED.