I have tried to qualify myself for this site two other time however, I was timed out so will try one more time.
My name is Duane and I am 69 years old. My wife is 61 years and was diagnosed with EOAD three years ago. I have been lurking here for a couple of months now and have certainly learned a lot. Most recently was the 7 steps of ALZ and how to get the book "Hard Choices." I am retired military and also retired from ITT World Communications. OH and also drawing SS. My DW had no problem getting diagnosed with AZ so I suspect that she was quite advanced when applying for SS disability. She was just placed on Medicare in June. Right now I would place her in late stage 5 and partially in early stage 6. I have to confess that I am no caretaker and am quite worried about placing her when the time comes. Our Dr., in our last conversation, explained that placing her would also be in her best interests as it would ensure the proper care for her also. I really have trouble treating her as a child when she has been my equal for all these years. I have trouble taking command of the situation, as you would a child, and making her do things that has to be done. I can't seem to get past the fact that, unlike a child, she can't be taught how do things again. Anyway, I have learned much from this site and, if you don't mind, I will keep trolling more than vollunteering input.
Duane

Hi Duane and welcome. I too was a long time lurker and only joined the group this week as well. I have learned a great deal, but more important, at least for me... I have found a group of caring people who understand everything I am going through. I don't feel so alone any more. That in itself is priceless.

I am very sorry that Alzheimer's has effected your life. The fears, questions, and concerns can be overwhelming. Keep posting, it helps. Again welcome, Nikki

I've been online forever. Typically there are 10 lurkers for each poster in a healthy forum. It is good that all of you have chosen to come out of lurk mode. Frankly I think the posters get more out of the forum than the lurkers do because you become part of the community and you can ask questions. I also think the posters learn more because they go out to try to find the answers.

So welcome all. You are no longer alone.

Thank you all for the welcome to the forum. Thank you Bluedaze for the additional reading assignment. If it is recommended on this site it must be well worth the reading. I feel that I know most all of you from my lurking for so long and am sorry that due to my not posting, that knowledge is not reciprocated. Now that I have been welcomed to the forum I may be more inclined to post. Thanks again.
Duane

Don't believe everything said by Val. She has a great deal to offer.

Hi, Duane--I've only been a member of this site for about 2 weeks and have learned a whole bunch. You might try and get a copy of the "36 hour day" A friend gave it to me. It isn't a book you read from cover-to-cover. You pick and choose. You might find it helpful. Perhaps you can get it from the library.

I, too, am having trouble with treating DH as a child when he has been the
'chief cook and bottle washer' for over 58 years. I think it hurts him when I have to correct him or redo what he's done. He realy does try to be helpful. For example, just yesterday, he's started taking the dirty dishes out of the dish washer and putting them away. And, he is not able to put them in the correct place. No big deal--we just rewashed them and put them away where they belong. Everything is fine.

I'm really sorry your DW has AD. But this is a very good place for you to be. Blessings.

Thanks again for all your comments.
Val-- Actually it was kinda funny but don't worry, I have grown to look forward to your postings as well as everyone else. I especially like divvi's comments. If anything comical about our situation, she can find it. Thanks Divvi.
Mawzi-- Thanks for the info on "36 Hour Day". I will put that one on my list also. I know what you mean with the dirty dishes in the cupboards. My DW consideres the kitchen her domain and I try to sit back and let her go. The counter is always full of dishes that may be dirty or not. Most dishes get washed two or three times. It seems like the washer has to be going wheather the clean dishes have been taken out or not. As long as it makes her happy I try not to get upset about it. When we need a dish or utensil I just get it out of the washer and MOST of time it will be clean. We don't have a certain cupboard for anything anymore. If you need something you just start looking.
I know this forum will keep me somewhat same.
Thanks
Duane

Oh Duane, you just can't imagine how sane it has kept me! Stay in touch, it is great. I love all of you!

Duane,

Welcome to my website. There are many men here, but they are kind of quiet. They do not post often, but they are definitely reading.

Man or woman, as spouses, our issues are basically the same. I hope you will take some time to read the information on the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com. Check through the previous blog section on the left, and pick out the topics that most interest you.

I also highly recommend scrolling down the left side of the website to the "Understanding the Dementia Experience" - the best explanation of AD I have read so far.

joang

JudithKB--Unfortunately because I am retired I am not authorized to use VA. That puts me in a position to know exactly nothing about how the VA operates. My DW and I are on medicare and Tricare for life. It is a whole different program. I am sorry that I cannot answer your question. I think that besides what the Feds authorize for the VETS that each state has rules to go by. I am not sure about that though. When and if I place my DW it will be through Medicaid. I have already searched out an Elder Law Attorney that specializes in Medicaid and everything is all ready to go except being assessed. When she is ready to be placed I will do that, find out my spend down and place her. I think that there is a website for vets but don't know what it is right off hand. Will try to do some research and get back to you.
Duane

Duane, welcome! It's so great to have another male to converse with! <grin> (I say that because with my husband's aphysia, he hasn't been able to carry on a conversation with me in over a year, yet I do keep my sense of humor!)

As to the dishwasher running, there is something about running water and the dishwasher that is almost obsessive compulsive with AD spouses. Also toilet flushing, running water in the sink, and watering the yard. I used to gripe about the water bill, but I gave up long ago and just pay it, knowing I have green grass and a clean kitchen!

You mentioned that you can't treat your wife like a child. I talk to mh DH as an adult and try to redirect him as an adult. We just have to accept that they are no longer an adult. That is so VERY hard!

Have you thought about having someone care for her in your home for a while before placing her in a NH? That is what I'm looking into now for my DH. He is okay in the mornings, and I come home from work at noon to feed him lunch. It is the afternoons that concern me, and the caregivers who come to your home are for four hours, so I would get home when it was time for them to leave. I want to try it and see if it will work before making the big step.

Welcome again, and if you have any questions, or advice, speak out!

Here in New Hampshire, the cost of the nursing home is based on his SS alone. (but we do not have many assets)
Here is the link from the VA nursing home in our state...
http://www.nh.gov/veterans/Admissions_docs/Admission_Application.pdf
Scroll down until you see the finacial part
I would think it would pretty much the same in all states, but you can call your local chapter to make sure.
I found the people I have talked to very helpful and full of compassion.

Mary, My goal is to keep Lynn here with me until God calls him home. Later when needed, I plan to have in home nursing and later hospice. I also believe in having all my ducks in a row, as one just never knows what will happen.
So I do have other options like the VA NH set into place.

It is hard isn't it Duane. But I do think you are wise to be making these choices now, instead of waiting for a crisis.. Best of luck to each and every one of you...Nikki

Mary-- I guess I got too long winded and once again got timed out. Thanks much for the warm welcome and the conversation comment is quite mutual, believe me. Yes I am going to check on some inhome care next week. I feel I should get that started before I go absolutely nuts. I do have a little help here though with my oldest daughter.
She can come over sometimes in the evening but then again I really have no place to go at that time of day so that option is not used very often. Nikki will probably be of much more help to you regarding the VA benefits than me.

Nikki- No I don't mind you asking. I was US Navy. I went in when I was 17 and stayed for 23 years. I was released from active duty in 1979.

I feel a lot like Mary I guess. You girls have certainly got me to open up tonight. (big grin)

LOL Duane, and that is a good thing! I have "said" more in the last few days than I have in the last year, I get it ...keep on talking :)

My Dad recently passed away, well if you have read my post, you know he took his life due to cancer. I am an extremely proud daughter and have always held our service men in the highest regard. Dad was in the Army, he too served 23 years. He retired in 1976. The US Army has sent me a complete copy of all his records and are even sending me copies of all his awards and decorations. I couldn’t believe they would do that, it was a pleasant surprise and something I will forever treasure.

My husband Lynn was in the Air Force and served in Korea, back in those days they called it the Army
Air Corp though. He use to joke he didn’t have what it took to be a career military man lol

It is great that your daughter is willing to help, but in home nursing will give you the breaks you truly need,
Best of luck with that and keep us posted. Been a pleasure getting to know you, Nikki

Nikki-- Thanks Nikki, That made me feel really good. I think that it is great that you can get your Dad's records and awards. That is something that you can always treasure. I am sorry to hear that he took his life. My mother died of cervical cancer when she was only 47. The Govt flew me back from Guam for her last 17 days in the hospital and that was very hard to watch. That was in the early 60's and about the only thing they could do is try to keep the pain down so she was doped up the entire 17 days. The pain has to be tremendous. I'm sure your Dad had what it takes to be career military. I always felt that it was just like making any other career choice. You know, don't be a meat cutter if you don't like cutting meat. Don't be a barber if you don't like cutting hair. There are a lot of people who don't like the military but they will do their duty and go home and do what they like doing.
Thanks.
Duane

o.k., now I can see why my Obama comment didn't go over too well. But I still believe in universal health care, regardless. I don't care who gives it to us, but let's be a part of all the other Western World countries that have it.

Nikki, I hope you can get past feeling there was something you could have done to stop your father. He made a very personal choice, not to linger in pain. I doubt there was anything you could have done to stop him. Give him and yourself peace for his choice. Know that he didn't do it to hurt you in any way, he just knew he had to spare himself.

Well, I see you are up at the same odd hour that I am. No need ever to keep your lips zipped! Hope I didn't say anything to give you THAT idea. If I had kept my lips zipped, I would be a crazy person right now.

Now that you have revealed that his brother died of the same cancer, it all falls into place. Quality of life, and not suffering are personal choices. I'm sure he wanted to spare you (and himself) what he suffered seeing his brother go through.

LOL, I am glad. One needs a few smiles thrown in the mix of all this sadness
I am going to go check on Lynn one last time and then try to get some sleep.
I hope you have a peaceful night , Nikki

oops sorry didn't see you post Val... yes I truly can understand his frame of thought, but it doesn't help with missing him to pieces. but thank you. LOL and no you did not give me that idea, I just know my redhead self, I can't discuss politics calmly... another charachter flaw LOL

Duane, since everyone else is ignoring you, I'll pop in to encourage you to post more often. :-)

Have you checked into the the Veterans' Administration's Aid and Attendance (A&A) benefit? It is a "pension benefit" and is not dependent upon service-related injuries for compensation. It helps Veterans and surviving spouses who need additional monies to help care for ailing parents or loved ones. Aid and Attendance can help pay for care in the home, nursing home or assisted living facility.

http://www.veteranaid.org/
http://www.vetassist.org/index.htm
http://vabenefits.vba.va.gov/vonapp/main.asp

Apparently, it can take quite a while to get the benefit in place, but the VA will back pay to the date they receive your application. Others have suggested getting help from the VA or a local chapter of the American Legion in applying, which can make the process go a lot faster. Also, there is a discussion forum for A&A where many of your questions can be answered: http://veteranaid.org/forums/index.php?board=2.0

My husband was Navy, a fighter pilot, back in his youth.

(I'll also suggest that you prepare your responses in a word processing application, and then when you're ready to post, cut and paste into the box here. I lost more darned posts from "timing out" until I learned to do that!)

Don't make a promise you may not want to keep ... :-)

That was a pretty decent and honorable soapbox speech. You are quite the guy.

Good afternoon Duane, good to see you again :)

My dad felt the same way as you do about the VA. He too had tricare for life and with the added benefit of his
military retirement he was able to get a much better insurance than the VA provides. Just FYI to anyone who cares LOL
all the VA "extra benefits" such as A&A are all based on your income. It is hard to qualify even with just SS ... I think that is why so many prefer to go with medicaid. IMHO

Hi Duane. It is almost 2pm here in New Hampshire , and yes you are correct I didn't get much sleep. Partly due to my being so use to having to care for Lynn all night and partly due to pain from my conditions. But I am wide awake and bushy tailed LOL Amazing what we can get use to isn't it.

I will have to look for the book you suggested. Due to my disability that started in 99 and the medical costs with surgeries etc, we had already lost our life saving by the time Lynn was diagnosed. I was perhaps arrogant looking back now, that nothing would happen to me and that at age 31 I had plenty of time to plan for the future. How niave.

Hope today is a good one for you and your DW, Nikki

Jean-- Thank you so much for your kind welcome. I have already learned so much more from this forum than any other place that I have trolled on.
Concerning the VA, you are more than likely correct on your assessment. As in your case the nearest VA facility was about 60 miles from me. I did do a little research on the webb, as far as my eligibility, and found that I was not eligible. I had no service connected disabilities or anything along those lines. Since I had pretty good coverage anyway and the facility was so far away it really didn't concern me at the time. So sorry if I give the wrong impression on my earlier rant. And, IMHO, the members with the service connected disabilities are exactly the ones that the VA should be helping. In reaching back in my memory I know you are right. I worked with another retiree that did use the VA and he did have a service connected disability. I had completely forgotten about him driving down to the VA Facility. I'm sorry about that.

Nikki--It is amazing that you manage to cope with this despicable disease that we are all coping with and still manage your own disability. On top of that you still manage to wake up wide awake and bushy tailed. Amazing!
On that book that I referred to: It goes right along with the information that Jane has been offering except that the book brings it down more to my level. By that I mean
that I could study it and go over several case studies and finally understand it. I was then able to find a reliable attorney and ask the right questions.
Duane

Duane, There was no need to apologize about the VA. I was just seeing if I remembered it correctly and making sure I wasn't losing it. LOL. Hope you and your DW have a very pleasant day.

Jean in SC