I had a discussion with my sister-in-law who thought that I should not take my husband out to a restaurant if he can't eat by himself. I've started to take him out again, now that he is not aggressive. I usually go with a caregiver and we go to have lunch. The caregiver usually has to feed my DH and I do not see it to be a problem. He is happy to be out and enjoys his food. My sister-in-law thinks that I need to consider people around us that they might be offended to see him being fed, and that it is really not socially acceptable to do that. I, on the other hand, don't really worry about what other people think. I believe that I is a good think to go out and not be ashamed of Alzheimer's. Just curious what other people have done or how they feel about this subject.
I agree with you. I don't care what other people think. You're neither creating a disturbance nor doing anything rude. I do not believe life's limitations should be safely hidden from view.
....Monica....If anyone is offended by watching a disabled person being fed, they need to see more of it, not less . Think about blind people, children, amputees, and all the other disabled people who need help doing things that that are necessary just to stay alive. They have no reason to hide. Maybe your sister in law is the one who needs to hide.... .......................With love, GeorgeeBoy
When my niece was married her mom had MS. I took her plate in front of me to cut her food and quietly switched plates. My SIL held a roll in her hand as I fed her dinner. We were at the head table and I doubt many people even realized how handicapped the woman was. People can be fed without a fuss and the H%$%l with those who get upset watching them.n Go out and enjoy.
Amen! amen! What is there to be ashamed of? Go for it Monica! He has the same soul as he always had, and just because he can't get around his handicaps doesn't mean he's not precious .
I still take Lloyd out occasionally. I usually request a booth so I can slide him in and sit next to him and I always go for a corner facing away from other people. It usually goes ok. There have also been catastrophes. He had to go to the bathroom at a Bob Evans one time and I arranged to take him to the ladies' room with an employee standing guard outside. Did not go well. He ended up running out a fire exit, setting off the alarm, and I had to pay the check before I could go after him. Two waitresses did go after him and keep track of him until I could get out and it all ended well, but I never did take him back to Bob Evans. I quite frankly don't care if it bothers anyone that I feed him. The people really bother me at times when they stare and that does upset him. But there was one time that a woman stared and as she left complimented me on my care for him. There are just all kinds of people out there and for the most part, they are alright.
Good for you...keep it up....one step at a time and people will be made more aware of AD...
When we were on a cruise, and I had to order for my dh at every meal because he can't make a decision if there is more then one choice of anything. I saw people looking at me and I felt like they were saying..."Now, there is one bossy woman she tells her husband what he can and cannot eat." After the first night or two the waiters didn't even give my dh a menu.
A handicap is a handicap and people should be glad they don't have a spouse with a handicap.
Thank you dear friends. I had a feeling you would understand. Linda, you had quite an adventure. My husband can no longer get off his chair alone, or walk without help. With so many people having Dementia, it is time to "come out of the closet."
Husband refused to leave the house for quite some time so restaurants were not an issue.
However, he had to be fed by an aide for the last four weeks or so. He was adamant that he did not want me there. When visiting him at snf when a meal would be served was quite a concern. I have never known husband to be like that but I think he caught what I think was the general mood of the residents. When visiting I would find out when service was and asked if he wanted me to stay with him and the answer was always not only "no" but he would ask me to leave.
So, I think it is great that for those posting here meals together can still be enjoyed.
If there are things that I want to do, I just throw the wheelchair in the car and go. If he becomes difficult, I just put him in the car and come home. I have left a shopping basket more than once because he was unmanageable. They are like large toddlers...except I know that a large toddler comprehends more than Lloyd for the most part. Strangers' opinions are not of particular importance to me.
i would not have taken kindly to a family member suggesting we keep our spouses hidden at home due to others being 'uncomfortable'. i agree that the sis in law should have to deal with the handicap individual to get a better picture of what a caregiver does. the going out to eat is alot about helping us to cope as well and staying within the bounds of socializing even if our spouses need help with eating. i always cut DH food up and if he got bogged down helped him eat as well. i did usually ask for a table on the sidelines so we had a bit more privacy. i hope you continue to take him out as long as possible and not let it affect his pleasure or yours to get out in public. and if it bothers them they dont have to look! divvi
monika, sil is wrong-if going out to eat bringsyou both pleasure and a break from the routine, then go out. She's te one with th hang up. Yes, people will always stare because they are uncomfrtable, but so what? They need to be exposed to more people with disabilities. Due to my debilitating arthritis, I now have to be in a wheelchair to go any distance. I find it amusing that I am always stared at because I need assistance walking and yet no one stares at DH!
The comment by this sister-in-law makes me insane! Who made these rules for acceptable social behavior in public? That woman is lucky she isn't my sister-in-law.
I also think many of us later treasure where we put out to give them more experiences where it's possible. I know that my thoughts of everything I got us out to do are good ones.
I agree with you, Linda, and others as well. Strangers's opinions aren't particularly important.
In the last year I could get my wife to the beach (2010), I had to watch her like a hawk. She couldn't swim anymore and bounced up and down in the water like a child. In fact bounced over to everyone she latched on to and right into their space.
Some got annoyed at first, but just a gesture by me or the way I talked to her quickly made everyone realize she was 'special', and the kindesses of some strangers at the right moments still stand out in my mind.
I'm glad for every moment I could give her where the experience was what used to be normal even though I knew that with every one of them, the day would come where I would have to abandon each one.
Monica: If ever there was a proper application of we can choose our friends, but not our relatives this is it.
I take DW out to eat frequently, always sit along side of her so that I can easily cut her food and help her with her napkin, etc. If other's look, I couldn't care less, my attitude there is only a limited amount of time left when we will be able to enjoy dining out as we do now, The only person I'm concerned with is sitting along side of me. DW hasn't been capable of ordering for herself in years, I've never even thought about how my ordering for her is perceived by others but then again it's not as noticable when a man orders..."my wife will have the ..... " vs a women assuming the same role.
I wish it were only 'helping soemone eat' . . . . I have orderd for her for 2+ years now. That was not a problem.
Restuarants have ended for us until our symptoms get worse. We now stay home because of the continuous crying, whinning and agitation/panic. Our last night out was a month ago and we had to quickly pack the meal to go.
The restaurant folks were nice but if the noise and agitation was making ME uncomfortable, I can only imagine how grating it was for everyone else.
M-mman, so true! I've had to just go a few times and leave the food. With Lloyd it was the agitation/panic. Makes you wonder what is going through their minds at the time.
I have worked with people that are challenged for 40 years now. In the beginning there was alot of stares because "those people" should be put away out of sight. But as a society when we know better we do better and now there never is a problem.
I say the same will happen with people with AZ. The more we are out in public and with the boomer getting older there will be more, the public will just accept it as no big deal.
I dare someone to say something to me when I am out and about.
My DH & I usually only go to fast food places, but I always cut his cheeseburger in half. When we do go someplace else I always order for him & cut whatever needs cutting. Our Pastor takes DH out to lunch once a month while I go to our Ladies Bible Study. Our Pastor knows that he has to order for DH & he also cuts up anything that needs to be cut. I am blessed to have such a wonderful Pastor.
I remember our last cruise. Our waiter saw me cutting up my DH's meat the first evening. Also noticed that I ordered for him. The following evenings the waiter cut up his meat without saying a word. I really appreciated that.
that is lovely Carolyn* When the husband of my friend saw me cutting up DH meat, he got offended and said "Let him do it" like I was taking away his manliness. No empathy at all.
On our cruises, the waiter - and sometimes the maitre'd - cuts DH's food. The way they handle it is so wonderful -- as if it were a privilege! They always cater to him in the dining room.
Coco: I have the opposite of what you experienced with the husband of your friend. My SIL would hover over DH, while I try to let him do things on his own when he can. I am sure she thinks I am callous! But he finds pride in small accomplishments and does not want someone hovering.
But with the things he can't do - like cutting meat or even remembering what he wants to order - I am quick to help.
This is so sad to see a family member so "concerned about being socially correct" yet so clueless to the feelings of her sister. I take me dh out once a month to a chinese buffet. He has no clue he loved it, but since he still has a great appetite and can eat the food there quiet easily, I bring him out. On Fathers Day this year I took him with our youngest son. I fed him as I always do, people watched, some smiled. It made no matter to me what anyone thought. My dh was happy, clueless but smiling and laughting all the while he was being fed. As I had gotten up once to wipe his mouth and go get him some more food, a couple that was leaving came over to the table. The wife leaned down to me and said " You are such a good wife to be taking such good care of your husband". I was almost speechless. It was so good to see that others understood and it made me have hope for people after all...... Tell that sister to bite you. If she doesn't like it remind her how since no one knows what tomorrow brings she may be the next one that needs to be taken care of. Then what should be done,,,,, lock her in the house because you are ashamed of her?????? Maybe she will understand then the love you have for your loved on...... Shame on her....... You are doing a great job.......
I am glad she isn't my sister, nor my SIL. pffffft! Please inform her the days of locking the disabled in the attic from shame are long gone. It didn't even happen to me, but here I sit royally pissed off. You would think she would be thrilled you were taking such good care of her brother AND letting him have some social time. I too love what George wrote "If anyone is offended by watching a disabled person being fed, they need to see more of it, not less"
In all the times we went out over the past decade we never had one bad experience.(with other people) Sure there were some looks, but I just looked back until they lowered their eyes, in shame I hope. We ran across some amazing people who offered help and compassion. More and more families are having to deal with disabilities of all sorts, the compassion will continue to grow I do believe.