I've been reading the discussions. Everytime I read about your LO wanting to "go home" I think I should tell you my discovery. It is pointless to tell them they are home already. Don't even try. You will end up frusterated. I know that even though I have told you, you will think your LO is different, take it from me they aren't. When my husband starts on his "go home" pleading I just say "come on, I will take you home". Get in the car. We live in the country so I just drive around a country block and head back home. It never fails that when we come into the driveway he will say "we are home, right?" Yes, we are home. We then have a happy and satisfied person to deal with. Try it, it is so much easier than trying to get them to understand they are home. Sally
Sally i tried this technique but my problem was after driving him around then coming back 'home' he wouldnt get out of the back seat. he said thats 'your home' i want to go to MY home...hummm...ok, i'll get that in writing please:) divvi
And sometimes "home" is somewhere they used to live. When Lloyd was still able to run off, he always headed to his parents' house in the next town. Once he made about 6-7 miles of the trip before we found him...but the family did find him. Now we have a double keyed deadbolt on the front door so the search parties are over.
That's a good point Linda. We were at that stage two years ago. My wife was still articulate but confused. She would wonder how she was going to get home. She meant the house where she grew up.
We went from the kind of interaction Bluedaze talked about above to completely unable to speak in two years. We are EOAD though and it's become clear that the majority of professionals I worked with were right. EOAD is noticeably faster than when AD comes later in life on average.
I've realized in this last while why I was getting conflicting information at times. The professionals know how hard this is (not GP's, AD professionals) and they're trying to help keep you going. They have no good news to give you.
Repeating myself from another thread. Yesterday after months of very little expressive communications DW began with pleas of "I want to go hom, I you love me you'll take me home" becoming somewhat frantic until the Ativan kicked in. "
I should preface this by describing our current short term dilemma which explains why this most likely happened.
Our condo building is undergoing concrete restoration work - repair, replacement of sliding windows and balcony's. I had planned on moving to our daughter's Mil's home nearby for the construction time frame, The MIL is spending the summer in NY at her sisters. Needless to say, the moment we walked in last month my wife refused to stay. Sleeping there was out of the question. I tried just doing days and returning home @ 3:30PM and that didn't work either. A snowbird friend in at the opposite end of the building heard of my plight and offered me the use of their apartment and we've been staying there days. (The other end underwent the same restoration work last summer.) I bring DW back to our apartment for lunc and then go back there until 3:30 when work shuts down. Awakening her at 7:30 to get out by 8AM when the drilling starts in no easy chore. She normally sleeps to 9:30. Plus she misses her afternoon nap time.
Add in yesterday, I had an MDs appointment (cornea transplant 8/2) then took DW out to her favorite place for lunch which she enjoyed - clean plate club. Did some minor shopping and returned home to catch the last 45mins of incessant jackhammering.
To say she was frazzled would be an understatement. From all I learned on this site and others there was no point in debating the issue that DW was at home. I pulled out old photo albums, dating over our 52 years of marriage; to our first apartment, out former homes and apartments and what our current home looked like when we bought it 10 yrs ago. Everything was vintage 1973 when the building was built right down to the avocado fridge and stove.She became caught up in what was transpiring in the photo scenes and began to try to express memories, to the extent she's capable of communicating. By the time the Ativan kicked in, she was totally distracted and she forgot completely about wanting to go home. Mission accomplished This AM due to rain and thunder storms no work is taking place redefining a welcome respite
I brought this thread back up just now because it has become a huge problem for us. Do any of you have anything else to add that might be of benefit?
I sort of did what Bluedaze suggested in that when it started today I actually drove to the neighborhood where his family home is. By the time we got there he seemed disinterested and I don't think he even looked at the house.
DH has intense bouts of nausea and this is a trigger for just "wanting to go home." I feel so sad for him; he looks pathetic. He feels terrible and just wants the comfort and security of his childhood. Thank goodness for Zofran - now if there were just something that good to take away the sadness that goes with longing to go home.
That is a really hard thing to deal with. Sometimes, Gord would pack to go home. Other times, he would just leave. I think with so many of these problems, there is no cut and dried solution. What worked at 9AM, might not work at 11AM. It seems to be a " seat of your pants" experience where you have to discover several solutions and try them all in turn.
So true, jang*. I've had to re-arrange his Ativan times to control these 'wanting to go home' moments or hours! Not sure where he thinks home is. If I tell him we are home, he says, "I know, I used to live here". Or he will say he has to find his mother or dad (long deceased). "seat of your pants", indeed!
I answered this yesterday and then just before I posted it I looked above to see what was already said and there was my post from last year saying exactly what I had just written.
I would look for distractions. I know there are different ideas but I see no benefit to driving her to her old house and then not let her go in (because somebody else lives there now).
My view is that reinforcing any physical concept about 'home' can't be good and trying to persuade them is also unlikely to succeed. Distraction. There's a chore that needs doing and can she help first? If nothing else rearrange a closet or boxes or anything and take the mind elsewhere.
There's one more tactic which is to talk about her/his own memories. When Dianne could still follow somewhat (which is necessary if she's talking about going home), then I would pull out some of her own stories and she would listen and comment.
If she had been sharp enough to stay focused about 'going home' through the lengthy distractions, then we would need to talk more truthfully if gently.
I agree it shows up in some more but is understandable when we look at the regression a person would back into when enough context within them has been destroyed they can't access/relate to the facts about time and themselves. You would feel lost inside and seek the comfort of 'home'.
Don only wanted to go home when he thought I was leaving. I never said "I'm going home". I would say I was going to the store and would be right back. He was okay with that. He soon forgot I was ever there.
DC often load the people up in the little bus and go for a drive around the city. Last week I got a message from the DC director telling me that they did this and ended up in a certain neighborhood which I have avoided. DH (who has been progressing rapidly) became very excited and said this was the neighborhood he grew up in. He directed the driver and told them the house number and started rattling off all the neighbors and where they lived and telling stories. The director said it was unbelievable the way the fog lifted and he remembered so much. By the time I picked him up late in the afternoon he was back to being very confused and the confusion seemed to get worse over the weekend.
My thinking yesterday was that in driving him back to the neighborhood maybe the same thing would happen. Sometimes I just grasp at anything that might settle his mind. And jang* is right, what works in the morning might backfire in the afternoon.
For the last few years that I had my Dear Helen home with me, We went through this "going home" thing. Sometimes almost every evening. I would have to take her for at least a one hour drive. A short drive never worked. Listening to her pleading to go home was so sad for me. What she really wanted was the home of her childhood with her daddy and mommy. I wrote a sad song about it and put it on the web. Maybe you can play it. (Just copy the https link and paste it into your address bar and click enter.
YouTube.......... https://youtu.be/CW-7DJCKmXw
or Archive........ https://archive.org/details/TakeMeHome_201410
My first post. This has been exactly what has been happening with my DH. I have tried the short rides, and I let him tell me where to go because I "don't know where to he wants to go." Then when he will finally gives up and decides he isn't sure where to go, I will gradually head back to our home. He is happy when we see our house and usually recognizes that it is our home. This has worked a couple of times. He has also packed up some of his clothes in his truck so he can go home when the "next shift gets here." He was a fireman so it helps that he couldn't leave the firestation unattended. Thank goodness! I can usually convince him we will stay because it is getting dark, and we don't want to drive after dark.
I know no one knows the answer to this, but about how long does this stage last? My DH is 73, has diabetes, and has been diagnosed less than two years.
I am so glad I found this website. It has helped me more than anything else. No one knows what it is like unless you have been to the jungle and seen the elephant!
Hi Lin, Interesting that this thread was brought up in that I commented on it a little over a year ago. You ask how long the stage lasts. That is a crystal ball question when it comes to Alzheimer's Disease because every case is unique in duration, loss of faculties and symptoms.
In the last year since I wrote that comment, DH has been admitted to a dementia unit, speaks incoherently, has lost peripheral vision, has become incontinent, and the foggy curtain is always down.
It sounds as if you are becoming creative in managing and redirecting; good for you! This spouse community has so much to offer in terms of information and support. Welcome.
Lin, I had one other thought. Sometimes when people with dementia say they want to go home, they are seeking security and comfort for themselves but sometimes they are worried about the welfare of their family. I think most of my husband’s pleas are of the second variety.
So, along with the short rides and/or the Ativan (mentioned in my previous posts), I tried to diminish his anxiety by giving him something concrete to hang onto. For example, I’d say “Your mother is fine, she’s visiting your sister,” or “She and your father have gone out to dinner,” or “The kids (his younger siblings) are fine, they went to the movies.” This worked many times as long as I kept the explanation simple.
Of course, I don’t know why your husband wants to go home. But I suspect most of our spouses’ demands are rooted in anxiety, so anything you can do to alleviate his anxiety might be helpful.