Husband's body was donated to medical research and that gave me a window of reprieve, for lack of a better word.
The death certificates have arrived and now I have to attend to the practical matters, insurance, pension, social security (from which I will be cut off), the car loans, the mortgage; the list goes on and on.
How should I be doing at three weeks, after at least six years and up to 13 years depending on how you count it?
Where were you at three weeks, where do you think you might be, where would you hope you might be?
Oh, Abby, there are no time elements to any of this, each goes their own way. Three weeks is no time at all. One of the worst things I found was all the stupid (*&^%$ dumb paperwork, and I thought I had it all lined up beforehand. But everybody comes at you for this paper & that file, it's maddening. Don't let anyone push you--take you time. You don't have to answer every question and present every receipt on demand. They can all wait. I wish I'd put my foot down sooner.
I think it would be normal if are feeling wounded and fragile, let yourself heal, give yourself time to develop your new course. No one can turn off 13 years after a few weeks. It's midnight where I am, so you must be up late. That's OK, there's a lot of emotional and physical stuff to get through your thoughts. It just takes time and there's no rushing any of it, let Nature take its course. Some tea, hot milk, wine -- time to pamper Abby. Good night, now.
Abby, if you were 65 or older when you married him you're eligible for his Social Security. Otherwise the rule is that you had to have been married at least ten years.
I'm sure others can relate to your situation,its only been four months for me but the hurt is still there as if it was yesterday,doesn't take much to make my eyes "water",to see flowers we both planted,remember plans we had,to see her smiling picture or to remember the day she opened her eyes for the first time in a week an held out her hand to hold mine an took two breathes an gently passed,nothing can prepare you for that moment,I was so very fortunate that she waited for me to say goodbye
Agree. There's nowhere you're "supposed" to be right now. Never will be. You just have to be where you are and take the best measures you can to cope/distract/coddle. I wish we could press the fast-forward button on recovery, but no.
It sounds like you might be expecting too much of yourself. There has to be a crash and it would be more worrisome if there was no sign of a reaction.
Do the easiest notification first, you might try one each day or if that's not good sit down and marathon through with occassional breaks for screaming.
This is a time to be kind to yourself Abby, acknowledge that what you're going through is tough, and cut yourself some slack when you feel oppressed.
I know you weren't complaining and are looking for input from our stars, but I'm going through grieving myself and am facing life by myself as well. All the experience without the reality.
ol don* - time will start it's healing when we have finished saying goodbye and are willing to look into the future with them in hearts. Your dear wife would understand but want you to start having some happier moments. I hope that in time you do.
abby* it has been 2 1/2 years for me. I "remember" every day. I remember how life was as a couple and I grieve for that yet. After being a "couple" most of my life, being a single is a whole other ballgame. However, life deals us our cards and we just play them out as best we can. You are going to have many ups and downs and rivers to cross. Give yourself time and don't rush to get things done today. Everyone has to go at their own pace with grieving but it is important to grieve and also look forward to things getting better, and they will, but you do have to work at it. (((HUGS)))
abby*--I'm not there yet, all I can do is offer support. Based on the rapidity of your husband's decline and sudden passing, I'm not surprised you're having trouble coping. Anyone would. Even though one wrestles with this disease for years and we all know it's unpredictable, a sudden downturn must be awful to endure.
Re the SS--I worked there for 32 yrs--and since you don't meet the age requirement (at least 60), nor do you have children under 18, you don't qualify for widow's benefits yet. I presume that's what you referred to. Not fair--don't know why the law was structured that way.
I don't know if you are aware of it, but there is a "sticky" topic at the top of this page specifically for widows and widowers. Please check it out - you may find it very helpful.
I would agree with the advice of the stars....don't let any of these people push you. Take your own pace as Wolf said...if you can.... We have been or are still being "pushed" do the ends of our wits with this disease, so don't let others now put undue pressure on you..they can hold their fire.
AS someone said, they sort of water up now looking at the things they built or planted together..I do too...Just yesterday DH was surprised that it was the 2 of us who laid our tiles and hard wood floors when we built the house 24 years ago...it was the old " we have more time than money" theme and so we did a lot on our own..he no longer remembers any of that nor how we even came to find the location we are now...I live alone with all our memories now, and no one to share them with....oh you can tell someone about things you did but that is not the same as going down memory lane together over the places traveled, jobs done together, or just a simple walk along the beach treasure hunting...golf clubs sit idle, metal detector sits in it's cover, hand wts used every night by him collect dust cuz he won't use them anymore, all those sorts of things....some days are just too painful....feels like punishment sometimes.
Abby, I can't imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. You asked "Where were you at three weeks, where do you think you might be, where would you hope you might be?" Not having my star, and not wanting it, I can only answer where I think I might be... at 3 weeks I can imagine myself still locked in my room curled up in a ball of despair. That being said, I think you are doing amazing well!!
I feel exhausted just reading the partial list of things you need to attend to. I am thinking I would prioritize from most important to least and tackle it that way. Do you have a family member or friend who would be willing to help you through this? You are in my thoughts and prayers ((Abby))
Abby I can see myself in you sometimes. Needing to deal with things and ok now what's next.?
You need to love yourself to bits right now, don't fight it, don't blame, and when you can't stand the pain I know that WE are here. You are very special to me and I know so many others.
Abby, Relax and take a deep breath. Do what you need to do first and get to the rest when you can. I don't worry anymore about doing what needs done at a specific time, it will still be there tomorrow. I hope you are not overwhelmed with paper work!
Abby, I'm in the same boat. I know how overwhelming it can be. Don is gone for a month now. Last week I had a sob fest that lasted 3 days. I just couldn't stop crying. To tell the truth it felt good. I'm sure it won't be the last. I have been doing the paper work a little at a time. Nothing has a time limit. The last year of my life was the hardest. I'm just trying to get myself back. I know you will too. Just take your time. We all have your back.
I seek imput of all here as I believe that our grief is not only after death but what can be for so, so long before.
My crash...I credit Mother with a small part of it. She said I need to "get busy" to find another husband before my "looks fade". Another husband is not even on the long list; in fact it will never happen.
The major thing was, and is, social security.
#1 They admit to having made an error. Husband lived through May, and therefore his ssdi payment issued in June should have been honored. No, it was cancelled by them. So, because it is over a certain amount because they are adding to it a one time lump sum "widow" benefit, I have to go to the office, present a boatload of proof and then they will attempt to correct it. It may take 60 days, but who's counting?
#2 Husband was on ssdi. He was not on ssi. It does not matter how old he was or how long we were married, which was more than 20 years; first marriage for each of us. He was approved under "compassionate circumstances" and the documentation along with that said it was because he was terminal. Terminal to me, means death is sooner rather than later. (To be blunt.)
What matters is MY age. I cannot collect anything until I am 60 or 62.
#3 This collection is variable. I'm a little ocd and talked to 2 reps today because that is the way I am and because that deposit should have been made by yesterday. One said that at 60 I can collect 71.5% and the other one said that at 60 I can collect 82.5%. Going back to the first one, who said 60 is 71.5% but 82.5% is not until 62.
Either one is a gazillion years away.
I scream because husband earned this money through hard work sometimes under difficult circumstances, oh, heck, I am just screaming anyway.
According to ssa I am a "young widow". I hate the word widow and hardly feel young.
me too Abby, I must have OCD too because I would be all over the place with that situation.
I pray for a solution to your finances and for your heart, and also for the hurt inflicted by loved ones. ((((Abby)))) and a little kiss on the top of your head too, I will need a stool....
I was always told that if they died before the next payment date, the whole month needs to be repaid. I hope that is not true cause that would be a real hardship on so many.
Abby - ignore your mom and what a cruel thing to say. You might one day and that is for you to decide, not your mom. At this point in time that is the last thing you want to consider. Getting paperwork done and restarting your life as single is the task at hand. Be kind and patient to yourself.
Claude passed on February 26. His March 1 federal pension check and his March 3 social security check was returned automatically by our bank,. I did not have to return the money he received in February.
When he retired from the government, he arranged for me to have a widow's pension upon his death. When all the paperwork was finally finished, my pension started from the day of his death. Since my social security check is larger than his was, I don't draw on his social security, just my own benefit.
What I did was make me a folder titled "after death" because I knew when the time came I would not remember everything. I put together forms, addresses, phone numbers and reminders of everyone I needed to contact. Then when the time came I opened my folder and organized everything by importance and timeline. Then I worked on what needed to be taken care of first. The only problem I had was with the VA. It's their goal to make everyone wait 4 months for any decision on anything.
I made out a list of all contacts to be made and gave that list to one of my daughters. It's over two years now and everything is still a protective blur.
When hospice said husband had four to six months to live I planned on that time to organize. I'm not complaining about hospice, as they were a lifeline, they were wonderful.
But I never expected that four months would be five days.
Some have said to approach every day as if it is the final day. While I did not have the fortitude to do that I can see the reasoning.
Charlotte, thank you! No one has ever said Mother was emotionally generous....
Coco, you on the other hand, are emotionally comforting, funny, and so much appreciated!