I've read a lot on these boards about a spouse asking the same question over and over. My problem is slightly different. I'm supposed to be the constant source of any and all information 24 hours a day: What day is the doctor's appointment? What is that show about tonight? What is the show next week going to be about? What did that character just say on that show? What was the name of that book I read? What is the name of that politician we saw on tv? When are the library books due? How much was our electric bill two months ago? What month did the case worker visit? Where is the (fill in the blank here with any of a thousand things)? All day long it's who, how, where, why and what. I'm supposed to have every single piece of information in the world available at a moment's notice. He gets upset if I can't tell him everything instantly, like I'm trying to deliberately withhold information from him. Some days I'm so tired I can barely remember my own telephone number, and this is like living through a police interrogation every day.
Are there meds for this? He's already on so many things I'd hate to add something else, but it would be really nice to slow this down to a manageable level. It's like being nibbled to death by ducks, except that when I'm tired or busy or rushed to get somewhere (pretty much every day, actually), it seems like those ducks bite out bigger chunks than I can handle.
I am not quizzed as much as you but my dh does have two or three favorite questions that are shot at me all the time such as "are we the only ones here", "is someone coming here today", "who is the one who said I shouldn't drive?"
I am the one, according to him, who is responsible for the date and month. I doubt if there is any med for this I guess we just have to grin and bear it..
Did our son eat dinner? (he ate with us). What are we having for dinner? (I have to write it on a white board but as the day goes on she asks me more and more). And others. But she knows all of our appointments and anniversaries and even reminded me that I needed to fast for my blood test. But I get asked a lot what should she do now or is it ok yo do xyz now.
JanK--not that it helps you right now, but my first paid caregiver (a very wise woman) would always remind me that everything in this disease is a "phase", and it will eventually pass (into the next phase, which may be just as bad, but it will be different). She was right, and believe it or not, now we can look back and almost laugh at some of the phases. So just take a deep breath, which I know is usually easier said and done, and take care of yourself!
JanK, I do know exactly what you mean, however my DH isn't only asking questions, but ranting on about the same things over & over. He is obsessed with the Lone Ranger, but he is delusional. I have the DVD's running non stop, but if I am not in the room with him, he comes & finds me & tells me that it's gone. Then he starts rambling on with, “ I fought for my country, Army, Navy, Marines. Have you fought your country? Why are you mad at me? I didn't kill anyone, I didn't steal. That's not my dog, I don't have a dog...........” & on & on. The same dialog over & over. I don't argue with him anymore, because as he rambles on he gets more agitated & I know if I argued with him it would just make the situation worse. It's been really bad today because I am trying to clean the house (after spending the majority of the past week sitting in the living room with him). So then he comes to where ever I am & starts the ranting. I have held my emotions in for over a week now & I feel like I am ready to explode. He is on 25mg of Seroquel at night & this past week I've started giving him one in the morning too. I know that it's probably just a matter of time before I have to call our PCP & get him on something in addition to the Seroquel or get him to the hospital for an evaluation.
Sadly the phase of the repetitive sentence or questioning ended years ago. I'd trade that annoyance for current status. Now any sort of communications would be welcomed. DW suffers from nearly total expressive and receptive aphasia. She can't say what she's thinking and can't comprehend what you're saying to her.
I think in most progressive diseases, one would trade a current stage for an earlier stage.
However, whatever stage you are experiencing, that is your reality. Knowing it will get worse down the road does not mitigate the feelings and frustrations you feel with the current stage.
Marty, move over. I'm in your boat and I think it's takin' on water! I would give the world to have any kind of intelligent conversation with Lloyd. His speech was the first thing to go. I have been talking to the walls for years and the walls do not have ears.
JanK--I now how irritating constant questions can be, but you need to rethink this situation. The examples you gave don't involve his safety, so you can probably give him whatever answer you want. No need to wrack your brains for the truth--just tell him what he wants to hear. It will make him happy and you won't be as stressed. This is a form of therapeutic fibbing and it will benefit both of you. I'm weird, I even had fun with it--seeing how many ways I could answer the same question! I think my top score was 8 or 9 ways.
I know it's thinking outside of the box--most of us always were completely honest with our spouses and would try to answer questions to the best of our ability. But in this game, the rules have to change in order to preserve our sanity.
Marilyn, you must have the patience of a saint, or your husband wasn't as bad a mine. No matter how hard I try I can't use humor to deal with this. It's not the answers that I have a problem with, it's the repetition. I guess my point of frustration is lower that others here & I just get mentally worn out. I also think that part of it is the agitation that my DH displays. He is to the point that he is not making sense when he talks. (He just told me not to kill his uncle). You know when you get to the point when you just want to scream at them? Well I was at that point many times this past week, but I took a deep breath & calmly said what I had to & doing that all week has also worn me down. Maybe it's just me, but it's the way I cope.
my one answer this p.m. only had to be "we're going to Emily's wedding". we were but getting dh to change into his better clothes was like 20 questions. This is new for him but today we almost got to walk down the aisle with the wedding party we were so late all because he ask the same thing "where are we going" before each move to get dressed. But we made it and the wedding was beautiful. Answering can really test me though and I think just saying most anything passes for him now.
How nice to hear the wedding was beautiful and that you got there.
I would always start the day by saying to my husband what the date and day of the week was. Toward the end he would say, "no, it is not." He would fixate on a certain month, day of week and especially the weather and all were his reality only. I would not comment on the day and date thinking really, what difference did it make? In terms of the weather I would try to make a comment that was not entirely a lie but not contradict him either. During the last couple of weeks he was home he would knock on my bedroom door at 2 or 3 in the morning and announce that the sun was shining and it was time to get up. He was never much of a questioner, but that got to me.
edited for a ps to Jan,
I think ativan was the best med in all of this and generally did a lot to calm him. It started to be less effective but this was only after several years of benefits.
marty and ms magic, your comments give me a lot to think about.
For me yesterday, was he wanted to go home, over and over and over he wanted to go home. he gathered some things and said "lets go home". How many ways can I say "we are home, tomorrow, later, we live here now, we own this house, we sold the old house of over 30 years ago"..by the end of the day, he was so angry because i wouldn't take him home, he smashed his hand held digital game, smashed his TV stable table. There they were left overnight, smashed. This morning he saw them and said "who did this".. i hate this...what will it be tomorrow!
ElaineH--yes, I am a patient person. But basically, what disturbed me more than repetitive questions were:
--getting lost for 4 hours and I had no idea where he was --temper tantrums/rage from a man who was previously always happy --hitting/knocking down another daycare participant --lifting up a chair at daycare with a man in it and being "dismissed" from the program with no advance notice to me --refusing to bathe, sit on the toilet, etc.
As you can see, the things listed above involved health and safety. Everything is relative. To me, repetitive questions were not like those issues--dealing with those, everything else paled by comparison.
I could never, never handle the rages and hygiene issues. The repeat and repeat was bad and I hated it...but, he doesn't do that any more. This condidition is bad for everyone in most every way we can think of. When we are going through a phase it seems impossible and then we find out that maybe the next phase is even worse and we look back and say...."that wasn't so bad look what I have to put up with now". But, at the time...what ever it is that is driving you crazy is bad and wears you out. Also...most of these things if you do not have help or can't get out of the house without them it can be really bad after several months or a year of trying to cope.
Paulc...I tried that, it doesn't work with my Dh, he kows that's not where he wants to go home to.. Abby*...I think the weather does have lots to do with how they are on the day...the day of the post above was a wintery dull drizzly all day...very depressing. Day care today...so look forward to day care days..
they sure are all different yeah? Mine does not talk, at all and in stage 5. However his obsession is picking at things on the ground, and sweeping the deck over and over and over. This is SO much better that being an oracle, or a goddess, or the knower of all things. Hope this phases out soon JanK.
I did not express myself well regarding the weather. Regarding husband, what I intended to say is that his rages and hygiene issues overwhelmed anything like his misconception of the weather. I agree with you strongly. The weather certainly affects my migraines.
Now you've got me thinking though, about how he could mistake sunshine for snow. I guess in his reality it was snowing.
Repetitive questions???? I no longer have them.......and as annoying as they were, I would be glad to answer them 1 more time.....Perspective changes everything....
I got him upset. How the MH is parked, he can see people coming down the road including RVs. He will see one, say 'here comes someone or maybe not - they are going to fast'. They come down the road then go out of site due to a house and a 5th wheel. I get tired of hearing the same thing - the last time he said it I told him to stop saying that, you always do and then they turn in. Oh well. Hopefully he will forget what I said.
After months of minimal expressive communications everything abruptly changed today... Non stop pleading, i want to go home, take me home, please if you love me you'll take me home. Ativan do you thing she's borderline panic gave DW 0.5 mg an hour ago, just gave her the other half
Oh marty, my DH also asks to go home numerous times a day. Of couse I tell him that he is home ( I have to say something) & then he will say that this isn't his home. He tells me that he lives in Mechanicsville Maryland (which is of course where we live). My DH also got aggressive again so I am giving him a Seroquel in the morning as well in the evening & it seems to be working, he has calmed down a bit. So sorry you are going through this. It is so hard when they are in distress & we just don't know what to do. ((HUGS)) to you.
I took out pictures of our 52 yrs together our apartment when we were first married, our first and second homes, our apartment NYC and then of our condo here in FL when we bought it in 2002. i didn't tell her she was home, I didn't ask where home was, I just knew that would go nowhere. Just seeing the photos distracted her and as much as she's capable of doing she started trying to talk of the memories of the events that were taking place in each photo. I'm sure the Ativan helped too. Lucky I've never had to deal with aggression, she's always been and remains happy and smiling with an infectious giggle. This behavior today was totally not characteristic
This is a tough situation, but no matter how many times you tell them "this is your home", if they have agnosia, they won't believe you. Suppose you couldn't recognize your surroundings and someone kept telling you that you were home--would you believe them? Of course not. Marty took the right course--distraction and/or medication if agitation is the issue.
going home. UGH. many topics here on this subject. i will bring a couple up for you guys. miserable when they get this obsession, sometimes nothing helps. but ativan is a good start. :)
Don't you just love it when you are watching a TV show and you are asked what someone just said. By the time you answer the question, you miss the next dialog. Then you are asked what was said while you were talking. When you say, "I don't know because I was talking," you are told that you shouldn't talk during the show because "we" miss stuff. This happens quite often in our house.