I am sitting here at work and just need a good cry. There are several reasons why I can't: boss and other employees will think that I went nuts and I don't want to deal with all the questions. Next reason is that it will be "letting my guard down" and it will carry over into when I go home in 1 hour. I think this feeling stems from having such a really good time a couple of nights ago and one more day of almost normal. Then this morning DH started in on his rants about every little thing. Sometimes it is easier to not have the good times because it makes the hard times even harder.
I just needed to "sound off" for a minute and now I need to get back to work.
Mary you need a big hug right now HUG HUG HUG now when you get a second alone just let it out. We have all been there it is just some won't admit it. Crying is not a sign of weakness it is just a D-- Good stress reliever. Pardon the french. Let it go and when the tears start burning your eyes and the sobs become uncontrolable you will have to stop because you cannot breathe anymore. Been there done that and not afraid to admit it. We are with you every step of the way. Prayers coming your way. Bruce D *
I totally get this...Yes indeedie, those good ol normal kinda days do make getting back in the harnass that much harder....
I see DH fall asleep more and more, he barks orders more than he used to and I bristle at this, he eats in such an irregular manner, won't use his cane no matter who tells him why he should...and no often how often I remind him. I hate answering the same questions over and over and over...I hate it that there is no real conversation without my having to explain every thing in detail...why bother...I am sick of having to guard what I say about something because it leads to more questions that I have answered over and over already....but just now and then he comes up with something brilliant and then I am surprised...I just hate being a prisoner of this disease.
MiMi....we all understand...DITTO. I don't intend to keep this up...I am entitled to a life too and my dh is not "living" this is no life...for him or me. This just happens to be the place where there is someone to take care of him. Well...there are other places to do that too. And, why should this terrible condition take two lives..for what?? Who is that good for??
Today, I was thinking about all the terrible things that have happened to all the wounded soliders returning after they have lost limbs, etc. and many married and have young children. Then, I thought: Most of them still have a good mind and if they have help and courage they can make a new life. But, us AD caregivers, are living with someone that is losing their mind and no hope for recovery. And, many of us are too old to have a life if and when this is over.
Thanks Mary75....I am spunky and I am old. But, you are probably right...I will bounce back...I will, I will.
I don't know how to use the right words. But, our spouses are not just ill...they are people that are losing thier minds day after day. My dh now has almost no quality of life. No one can seem to figure out why he does all this sleeping and has been doing it for a year at least. He was doing it before he even had medictions that would cause one to be sleepy...I really don't know which is worse a dh that is awake and being a pain in the butt or one that is sleeping all the time while I can't get motivated to do anything because the few times I have tried...he wakes up. It is so lonely in a house with someone that is sleeping all the time and I don't think being in the house without him will be worse. At least I can go to the store, a movie, go see a friend, go take a class. I am so depressed from being trapped here I can hardly stand it.
This week of respite next week hopefully will help. I need it...Big Time. He may be unhappy about it, but I'm unhappy about being in prison in my own home.
Hang on to those things. When this war with this disease is over having those things you want to do are going to matter. I hope you enjoy next week. In my opinion some anger as a reaction to what we go through is a very healthy thing. Even angels get angry. They're called archangels.
Mary,
Crying is the other healthy emotion from what we go through. If someone wants to explain how Alzheimer's coming into our lives and destroying our loved ones and the lives we had together is a good thing, I'm all ears.
I don't mind admitting that somewhere most every day something sets me off. Today it was moving a bureau into the guestroom where I stripped the rugs and let the hardwood that hasn't seen light since the house was built show through. I put the bureau in front of the window because it's exactly the height of the bottom of the window, gets a lot of light, and is perfect for the cats to lay in the sun and look out at the birds. When I moved it and took the drawers out, a picture of her I couldn't find fell out. She was sitting by a lake reading with a glass of chardonnay and I called her name. She looked up at me with that look I became so accustomed to and I snapped her picture. There she was laying on the hardwood looking back at me.
The battles were tough. I got so frustrated. Now I miss them. There's no winning. But there is doing what we can and then coming out alive.
It has been a night of through the roof pain levels and sleep has been evading me. I was feeling a foul mood fast approaching... but then I signed on and see Coco spreading her gentleness and it has lifted my heart. I have nicknamed you ☼ ☼ ☼ Sunshine ☼ ☼ ☼ because no matter what you may be going through yourself, you always attempt to make someone else’s world a little better with your kind compassionate heart. People rarely say what they are thinking, I think that is a tragedy and just wanted to let you know I think you are pretty awesome yourself ♥ Thank you for refreshing my hope in humanity and for putting this huge smile on my face ((Coco))
Oh Nikki how my heart aches for your pain, how I wish I could help you. I do love you so.
I was just signing off to go to sleep and caught this. Please please get better.
I think I am just a simple person Nikki, my Mom says I always see the best in people, and this gets me in trouble sometimes. My honesty offends some, and many think I am an open book because of it. If being an open book means getting hurt for telling the truth, well, I will take the hurt. I pray God teaches me how to handle it right, and to STOP being so offended, to be the water off a ducks back.
I know I will sleep tonight with better dreams, after horrid nightmares last night, fear for my husband. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND KIND WORDS, I hope there may be a chance some day we can meet. God bless you and Lynn richly, as He already has, with your unmatched love for each other.
And that is how to do it Mary, let the love of some, soften your heart.
Mary in Montana, I know it is a small consulation knowing you are not alone, but it is all I have to offer. I feel your pain. I’m sorry you were at work when the tears came, because I know from experience you cannot suppress them one moment and then just order them to flow later. Maybe a long trip to the bathroom next time that happens? It is important to let the body have that release when it needs it.
It is funny how we can repeatedly delude ourselves into grabbing on to hope during those blessed stretches of good days, and how silly we feel when the new normal returns. I know I should be thankful and enjoy the good days, but sometimes when they’ve come and gone, I see them as almost a cruel form of caregiver torture. And around our house the new normal always returns with a either a big bang, or a machine gun volley of one crappy confirmation of impairments after another. (I’ve been experiencing the latter for the last week).
Hang in there – and try not to take his rants personally. It’s the disease.
Mary in Montana, I really know how you feel. We have had few good days which lulled me into thinking that the decline had leveled off. NOT! Today he is more paranoid then ever. He is watching cowboy DVD's & then he comes in the other room & tells me that it's over & he doesn't know where to go & he asks me if we are going home. He is so confused & he is agitated towards me. I'm beginning to agree that maybe it's not worth it to have a few good days. It's actually comforting to come here & know that people know exactly what you are going through.
I am tired of having to send my granddaughter home early because he loses his patience with her and then starts to say hurtful things to her. Even though we have explained his disease how much does an 8 year old really understand when grandpa is yelling and ranting at her.
Right now...I tell you when it is his time to go into the home I'm ready.
Thanks again for the kind words and great hugs. I'm looking forward to the weekend. When I am at home, it is easier for me to handle everything. My feelings do not tend to bounce around as much as when I am at work.
There "near normal" years are so hard. It's all hard.
Amber,So sorry hearing that you need to send grandaughter home early,because of the rants.If you feel it's time to place him then your most likely right.The best to you.