Pros and Cons of having house guests? My DH's daughter and two teenage grandchildren plan to come here from the West Coast for a visit. They have been estranged for three years but it is time to mend their fences. Formerly they stayed here in the house with us but things are not like they used to be! DH is incontinent (urine) and has a real problem with sundowning. He is easily confused and agitated. DH and the daughter's mom divorced when she was a child and he has trouble comprehending that she is middle-aged now with teenagers of her own. I am 69 and not in good health myself - my time is spent caring for him and doing only what has to be done. The housework has been neglected and I am embarrassed. I'd like to suggest they stay in a nearby motel and just visit with him here, or have him visit there. We could help with the expenses.
I'd like your input on experiences with house guests.
No house guests! No house guests! It will be too much work, stress, and worry for you, and it will upset your husband's routine. Especially so with estranged family members.
When we first moved to Florida, we had a big house and a guest room. However, Sid was on his feet, continent, and in the earlier stages of AD. We had house guests every month or two, and I can tell you, even back then, it was exhuasting for me. That house went the way of the housing crisis, and we moved into the Independent Villa in which we live now. No guest room. 2 miles down the street, there are at least 5 hotel choices. Except for my son, who sleeps on the non-pull-out couch in the den when he visits, everyone else goes to one of the hotels. When my sister visits alone, she sleeps in the den, but when she comes with my BIL - hotel down the street.
The fences you speak of that need mending can be done so during short visits at your convenience if they stay in a hotel. I cannot begin to imagine the nightmare of having estranged family members stay in your house when you are already overburdened with caring for your husband and he may not even know who they are.
By all means put them up at the nearest motel. If you can pay for it, it will be well worth it. Level with her, tell her how things are with dh and the house. If they still want to stay with you then it is their problem, not yours Even if they just visit with you, conditions in house will be the same. You shouldn't have to apologize. You are doing a mammoth job as it is.
Judy, I agree with the others...NO HOUSE GUESTS! Let her know you're glad they're coming but given your husband's current condition it would be too much for him to have house guests. If you can pay for or contribute to the hotel expenses I would offer that.
What a coincidence that this subject should come up. Our son, dil & 2 grandsons (ages 6 & 7) are coming for a visit in a week. They usually stay with us (they did at Christmas last year), but there has been a big decline since then. Even before I said anything our daughter suggested that her brother stay with her if I felt uncomfortable having them stay here. I'm going to take her up on that, because my DH is on a decline & he gets so confused & I know that having people, especially young, active, loud, children here would just confuse him more. I am blessed because all of my children know how hard this is on me & they always ask me if I am up to whatever they are planning. So I agree with the others, no house guests.
Judy, do you know these people personally? Would they be of help to you (doing the cleaning, scrubbing, cooking, reading stories to him or watching a movie with him)?
I ask these questions because even though my husband didn't recognize the kids and grandkids, they were a big help to me. They only stayed 3 days, but it gave me a break.
That being said, if I were in your shoes, and had the money, I'd call Molly Maids or Merry Maids to come and clean the house for me, put the kids up in a motel, and try to relax and order take out!!!!
I vote for no house guests. We had an excellent guest for a few days 2 years ago and the disruption of routine was too much for L, who sounds like she is in better shape than your DH.
It may be hard for his daughter to understand how she would disrupt his routine. She and her kids might be excellent guests, clean up, do cooking, etc. The fear is their mere presence will disrupt his routine. Explain it that way, that you look forward to their visit, you hope they mend fences, that she is family, but that any guests is too much for him and you. And that you will have to play it by ear.
Even fiblets may be in order. Example: Since your dh has this AD he can do some very strange things and there is no way to know when he might do some of the strange things. Like think people were in the room that aren't there, thinks people are stealing things from him. Might get up in the night and wonder from room to room for hours, even in his underwear. Might tell them you never know from one day to the next what he is going to do that would be very uncomfortable to the children.
House guests who were not "close family" and agreeable would upset me horribly. More than it would have my dh. However, if, like Mary said, they are "helpful close family" who would share in care and let you have some respite it would be good - it all depends - on the patient, the guests and you. I would not want to cook and/or entertain. Sounds by your description yours would NOT be a good fit - for in house overnight stay.
Late in the disease my daughters made a 2 night overnight trip with us to a resort about 3 hours from where we live. Even though my daughters both live with a mile of me and were at our house multiple times a week, they received a "well needed wake-up call" during that trip. I let them take him to the bathroom and wheel him in a wheelchair and pretty much take care of him. First time they ever took him to the bathroom. They both said they wish their brother could take a similar trip with his dad.
This past summer, my sister stayed with us for 5 days and nights. DH gets along great with her and I filled her in on what to expect. It worked out really well.
Then, last weekend, Son tried to schedule a drive out in the mountains with us. DH was so anxious trying to be involved in scheduling the ride that we almost didn't go. If Son hadn't keep pressuring us, DH would not have gone.
I guess my point is that if it was only Daughter and she had back-up arrangements, I would say yes. Since it is 3 people then my answer is no.
Don't do it!! Let them go to a motel and pay their own way. One of my DH's sons wants to come and stay the week end. He can very well afford a motel as he makes big buck but he is cheap. He will also let his Dad pay for meals when we Make maybe a 1/4 of what he does but the really point is his Dad can't handle visitors for very long now.
Did you say they are coming to try to reconcile with your DH? Or was in mend fences? Maybe it is to late? I have been telling even begging my DH's boys to mend fences with him for over 4 years, since He really started to show symptoms But they just poo pooed me and now they are upset because he has no emotions towards them. My goodness, the disease has taken away all feeling towards all of us. It is just way to late. DH now says " I don't know them" so sad. If they had just tried earlier.
Positively NO HOUSE GUESTS! All this added worked in addition to the caretaking is over the top. I am spinning just thinking about all the work it would be for you. Before they arrive ......preparation...and more preparation. Shopping, cleaning, laundry, changing the linens, on and on. The cooking...more cooking and trying to be the entertainment committee for them. Nope...don't entertain this thought.