This is not a new topic I'm sure. I am so depressed. I just had a total meltdown listening to Barbra Streisand (with Neil Diamond) singing "You Don't Bring Me Flowers". Depression is rampant. I have no motivation anymore, procrastination is king. We have been together over 31 years, and had so many plans for retirement. Now DH can't remember anything, I'm afraid travel would just make his confusion worse. My rheumatologist put me on Cymbalta which is supposed to help arthritis and also is an anti-depressant. I am still so depressed. I know what the comment "my heart is heavy" means. It's like a big lump in my chest. I would like to curl up in a ball on the floor and stay there (and NOT listen to music). I hate having to do all the work around the house, I hate having to make all the decisions, I hate the nights when he isn't quite sure who I am. When I get a home caregiver here, or take him to day care, I feel so guilty leaving him, I can't enjoy my day out. Recommendations?
Judy, I don't have recommendations to help you through these difficult times, but you are not alone. We've been on this journey officially 4 years now and I find that all of a suddenly I can't emotionally handle it anymore. I've been reasonably strong for most of the time but it seems that now that I am more fragile than ever. Perhaps someone will give you recommendations, but I am offering support and understanding.
Count me in big time. I am so depressed and tired I would be crying all the time if I didn't try and control myself. Last week I had to go to the UPS store. I guess my depression is showing through and the great gal that runs the place has always been so kind to me...she took one look at me and came from the back of the counter and gave me a big hug...she said..."You just looked like you needed a hug". Well...she was so right.
I'm taking her some flowers this week because she is so sweet and deserves to know how kind and wonderful she is and how much I appreciate it.
I am going to begin major respite care. It is that or total placement for my dh for my own health. I am going to be starting out with 5 days...and I plan on doing that every month. It is alot less expessive then total placement. I will try that until the fall and if things don't get better for me (note I say for ME) not my dh...then I will have no choice but placement. I need for more then just day care or a few hours a day for a couple days in the week. I need no responsiblity for him for at least 5 days in a row. choice but to place him for my own welfare.
Judy, have you talked to YOUR doctor about this? Are you taking anything other than Cymbalta? Sounds like you need a med adjustment. This is really serious and you need some relief. Arms around you ((((())))))).
JudithKb I have not written much here lately, but your are always on my heart. Oh how I hope for a lifting of your spirits with this rest, I really think it may help! How lovely the UPS gal, and the flowers.
JudyTBT, how I wish I could make it change for you, like it has, a least temporarily, for me. I have had three days of 10 hours a piece, one day each week, with this new respite. A Home Care Aide comes to our home. I SOBBED AND SOBBED the first day I took off, and you know what??? When I got back it was like he never even knew I was gone, and now, he loves his new caregiver. Even the strange sadness of that does not override my relief. Just this little time doing nice things for myself has given me hope again.
And you know what? The biggest sadness besides all the ones you listed, was the NO HELP offered by friends or family, the platitudes, the love that was not there. But, strange how the system has made my life better, though I fought for this help tooth and nail.
And one of the visiting nurses cried with me the other day, THIS< when my best friend would not do that, and only tells me to "buck up"
I recommend digging inside your soul, asking God or the Great Spirit , (one and the same?), to infuse you with peace especially when you have respite time. This worked for me, and I was very very down. I know it will not last forever, but I think when we are so low even brief moment of happiness can keep sadness and sickness at bay.
I know you have arthritis, is there still a way you can take a short walk through a beautiful area? Hope going out to you.
If anyone has reason to be depressed, it's us. However, it can be debilitating and hazardous to our health. Please tell your doctor, and he can change either the type of anti-depressant or dosage.
There is still a blog on the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - "Coping with Caregiver Depression".
Copy and paste this link - http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/search.php?PostBackAction=Search&Keywords=depression&Type=Topics&btnSubmit=Search
It is all of the discussions we have had on this board about depression. Or you can go to the top of the page, type in "depression", making sure the topic circle is filled in, and click "search". All of the discussions will come up.
What worked for me was a conbination of things. Admitted I needed help. connected with a Dr. for medication and a Counselor for helpIDingtriggers and methods to combat it. I learned to TAKE time for myself. Even at home with DH and no help--when he naps or goes to bed early. Don't keep working on chores, paperwork. Draw a line and hold to it as much as possible. Those chores and paperwork will be there tomorow. There's no one else going to do them, but if you fold, they won't get done at all. Stay on top of your health matters. GET HELP IN. Do it early. Get some of the chores off your plate. A Caregiver has no business spending their energy doing chores anyone can do. Your time is best spent on the things only you can do. And, if anything does happen your Dh will tolerate help from others more easily if they've gotten used to others early. When people offer help--take it. Keep a notebook of things needing doing. When you get the blind offer, "If you need anything...." Ask them if there's anything on that list they could do.... And go after respite time. Out of 24yearsas a hands-on, at home Caregiver, it wasn't untill the last 2,5 that I got 4 hours respite time a month. In 2010Iwangled a 4 day respite. DH was Placed the end of January. I moved the 1st of March--o choice. At the edge of Depresson a little, but fighting it. I know how.
One other thing I found that helped was being aware of my focus.You don't have to be a "Mary Sunshine" to look for the good things--not always the bad, and when downers happen, get through them and put them behind you. Example: The bed is soaked and so is DH on awakening. Get him up and cleaned up. Deal with nthe bed. Nopw it is done and over-p-let it go. focusing on it alkl day, just dapgs you down--where you don't need to go., Livbe in the moment. There are still lots of good ones.
Judy - I have battled depression all my life - sometimes it is just an annoyance, other times a struggle. Right now it is a struggle. I was so looking forward to coming back to the park I worked in last summer. I had a major problem with a couple last year - the husband could not handle his wife having a close friendship especially since he did not have the husband as friend too. He can not deal with hb's memory problems and limits. We were hurt badly by how abruptly the ended it - like overnight. Hb still brings it up and what a jerk the guy is. The wife had sent me emails over the winter saying they were looking forward to us coming back.
Everything was going good until mother's day weekend when the manager left and they were in charge. They did a 180 that weekend and I still have no idea why. I finally sent an email to her saying she needs to pray, identify why the change and give it God. The stress/tension between us you can cut with a knife. They struck up a quick friendship with the workamper couple next to us, but then they guys go fishing together. (Hb use to love fishing but can't get him to go now) They are also more their ages - the new couple are 29 and 51.
Last week there was a get together of Workampers and we did not go. I used the excuse that it is hard on hb since he can't follow conversations. That is true, but it was also the tension between this other couple and us. That is the second time they have all gotten together - the first time was when I was working until 8 so would not have been there anyway. I think it was a spur of the moment get together.
Since Mother's Day weekend my depression has come back with a vengeance. My games on Facebook and Pogo have been my therapy, but I have lot interest in them. I know this is a phase, just hope things improve around here or I accept it so the loneliness will leave. There is an older workamper couple from last year that just arrived. She 'gets it' cause they watched a friend go from the 'life of the party' to hiding when people came over - later diagnosed with AD. They are the only ones we can really visit with now, but they have lots of family in the area so are either gone or have people over.
Judy...we are all with you on this, I think it's hard to break out of it, be happy and cheerful with what's going on in our lives. With DH is hospiatal right now, trying to get his med settled so that he may go to placement, I am the lowest I have ever been, i cry at anything and everything. I played our favourite CD songs in the car driving to see him, and had pull over as i couldn't see the road for the tears.. Some days I want him home...i don't know how i would cope, but it's sad having to leave him.. there's talk of him being sent to a very tight secure transitional home, about a 2 hour drive from me in heavy traffic...before a permament placement closer home, I don't drive that far.
Julia that brings back horrible memories for me. A hurricane was on its way and there was an emergency with my husband. I had to drive hours on the highway with the wind pulling at my car. When I finally got to the place there sat my husband-calm and happy as a clam (a US term) :0)
Caregivers suffer thru various forms of depression throughout this journey. even when we think we have a grip on the situations at hand. my DH suffered what the hospice dr called a fairly severe TIA about 10days ago. it was a wakeup call for me that although they can plateau for long periods even at stage 7+ we are never prepared when they lose ground. it has been a long 2wks but i think hes making a re bound of sorts and is able to swallow better now and is eating once again all his meals but it takes him much longer to get it down. plus so many new losses here with our friends, that it also brings it home that this is a no win situation, no matter how hard we try. so yes when we least expect it, depressive moods can set in and we must deal with what he must, like it or not. its good to know we can express our thoughts and know others feel as we do! divvi
The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster, now I'm torn between leaving him to go to transitional care to wait for placement or bring him home and wait for placement...what do I say to him, when he begs me to take him home. When I visited him today, he said he's had enough...wants to go home. I'm so confused and depressed....Dr says it's time, but in my heart I'm not so sure! There are days when I think it is time, but only because I've had a bad day...now I'm missing him!
This disease has caused more stress in my life than raising my teenagers. And I thought I'd never survive those years, but, I did. I only have one small bit of advise. Don't get yourself too tired. I can almost lose it completely if I become over stressed and tired. I've seen what it can do to me if I get to the point of near exhaustion and it's not pretty. Talk to yourself, outloud if it helps. Tell yourself, you are tired now and you have to stop and rest. Things can wait. Do only what you have to do and tackle the rest another day. Clear your head and make a fresh start later.
JudyTBT, I just want you to know that you are not alone. Sometimes when I read these boards I feel like everyone has it all together but me. Here I see there are many others suffering depression. I am not on any antidepressants although I am not opposed to them but I think depression is normal for the life we have. Feeling depression when every every thing is our responsibility is normal. I realized recently I can't even have a bbq because I have no one to man the grill while I help the guests, serve drinks, find a place to put gifts etc etc etc. So What. I had the bbq anyway and was exhausted and will never do another one but it went ok and dh actually did ok actually made it back into the house before he wet himself and went to bed.
All I can say is cry and rage but remember to laugh and sing...remember yourself inside, what do you want to hold onto and hold onto it. This will go on or end with or without you and you have to hold on to what you want to be, or do because no one else will.
I think postings can give a much more positive view than how people are really dealing. I don't think it is the intend, but people justshow a slice of live. I follow the writings of people with dementia and it is hard to understand how many problems they are having because they are good writers, in reality they are often struggling but manage to post to their blogs often enough for us to think that they are doing well.
Yes I can relate...read the Alzheimer Society hand out on caregiver burn out and saw I had 10 out of 10 symptoms.
What I decided to try is going to a naturopath...she is checking hormons, tyroid, and a couple of other things. She has me taking a B complex vitamin and ortho adapt...works for stress. Lets see if it works.
I also am going to get some exercise.....take the clothes off the treadmill!
I've been thinking about, and living through this, for some months. I know I'm depressed, but I'm also exhausted--just absolutely worn down, worn out, and burned out. I wish I could ask my doctor for a pill for that. If one was discovered, the pharmaceutical companies could make a fortune on meds for caregivers.
I realized recently that if a child had started first grade on the day my husband was diagnosed, that child would be a sophomore in high school right now. This has been a very long road, and is not over yet. Lately I have been thinking that my husband will still be around after I've died from caregiver exhaustion.
I think it was on this site that somebody said that their therapist told them that if they weren't depressed, it meant they were out of touch with reality. Truly, who would not be depressed to be living through this? There's scarcely one thing in your life that this disease does not trample on or completely destroy.
Recently I saw a clip on tv about a young woman who had to deal with a life-changing health situation. She said that sometimes you just have to act a little crazy, or you'll go nuts! So I'm trying to act a little crazy now and then, solely for self-protection, you understand. At least now when I act a little crazy, I have a good excuse for it.
I can't take antidepressants, because even if I am only a little depressed when I take them, they will make me extremely suicidal. I have to be hospitalized for my own protection until the meds are out of my system. After several episodes of this, always trying the "new, improved" antidepressant, the psychiatrist said that he would never prescribe them for me again, as they were too dangerous. I really do wish that they worked for me, though, because if there was ever a situation that called for a little chemical intervention, this is it.
The song You Don't Buy Me Flowers Any More has been my theme song too...DH used to bring a bouquet from the grocery store floral shop when he ran the errands, and always a cute card or a little something...so when he could no longer drive I started to bring him flowers and he always loved them..can't really do much of that now with the kittens. He is enjoying the kitties.
AS to the condition of my home..it ain't what it used to be to steal a line from the Old Gray Mare which I feel like these days. So much to do and hard to get it done with all the interruptions and errands etc.
I get blue...not on meds and do not want that stuff. I am not ready to park myself on the curb with a sign " free to a good home" just yet.
I do see DH delcine..just this morning he felt bad when he got up, even felt a little clamy but his Glucose was ok a little high but not bad and his BP a bit low and his HR 64 which is what it has been for some time and very regular. Later we leave for the pulmonary function test as he is on Pacerone. It might be the Pacerone is catching up to him as it did some years ago after the heart surgery..It is always a worry.
Add to that that I have planter fasciatias and lower back pain..I guess fatique puts us in a state of chronic pain too...not bad just never goes away unless I get away I guess.
I want my life as it was, as it was supposed to be..It is said we didn't sign up for this...I disagree..we did when we said those famous vows..we just didn't know what was ahead but sign up we did. Now we have to find ways to cope and try to make the best of a very bad situation in every way it can be bad.
Dearest Divi, I sensed something had happened this past little while. You weren't posting in places I expected you to. So I added you and your DH to my prayer list and extra prayers in between, too. It's been a difficult time for so many of us recently.
Divvi, so sorry to hear this. I have always felt us kindred spirits, it tugs at my heart every time I read of a decline in your DH. We try desperately to hang on to our dear husbands. We give them the best we have and hope they will rebound yet once again. I am glad your DH is starting to rebound, I know you are no more ready to "let go" than I am. ((big big hugs)) ♥
We all missed your suggestions and knew something must be wrong. We all probably didn't ask because we were fearful for you and you dh and bad news always seems to come quicker then we want. Glad to hear things are improving and I hope they continue to improve.
Julia - you say "I'm so confused and depressed....Dr says it's time, but in my heart I'm not so sure! There are days when I think it is time, but only because I've had a bad day...now I'm missing him!"
Sounds like you are ready for placement, not for him to come home. Yes, you miss him, but for him and you it sounds like placement will be the best for both of you. Will he be happy? no Will you be happy? you will be torn between yes and no. One thing I have read over and over here is that when you are 100% ready it is already too late. Listen to the doctor and those who have been there (not me yet but others here).
Divvi--I was worried too when I noticed you weren't posting as much. Never a good sign. Glad to hear that there was somewhat of a rebound.
Re depression: the situation we live with is a kind of torture. We watch our LO's as they sink lower and lower, sometimes at the speed of frozen molasses. We know what is coming, but don't really want to believe it until we must. And all we can do is give them the best life we can until they leave us. Who wouldn't be depressed facing this?
Oh Charlotte, I wish there was an easy way out of this...I thought I had accepted the Dr's advice, but my heart aches, I'm walking around the house saying to myself, "he's not coming home" over and over. She said we would have quality time visits when he's in placement. how can that be, we have nothing to talk about, just spend hours sitting around. I know I'd have to visit everyday...I can't help it. I'm thinking while he can still do his toileting, showering and feeding himself, i could keep him home a bit longer.... Yesterday he said he's had enough and wants to come home. I'm off to see him in hospital today and speak to the Dr and social worker...
thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers! yes it was a rough few days lately. we are never prepared no matter what we say or think! thank you again. its much appreciated. and yes i tend to get 'quiet' when things go awry but sooner or later i seem to pull out of the black hole with the rope and friends tugging! grin divvi
It's good to see people posting with such honesty - and not being judged. It's hard enough to talk about depression ... I'm pretty tired of people - relatives, friends - who say "you need a therapist" - as if that will cure all ills.
Been there, done that, never really helped me much.
Judy we are all here for you ...to listen to you. Unconditional caring and love.
Divvi, so sorry to read about your DH. You are so right about the plateau in the end stage...that's where we are. Every so often I wonder when the next shoes will drop. It is so easy for me to see, after reading about your past twe weeks, when the active part of dying begins that I should be prepared for another "roller coaster ride" of emotions. Our heart cannot let go of what our brain is telling us....let them go in peace. Remember to take care of yourself.
Judy, you took the words right out of my mouth!!! When I'm home, I would give anything to get away and when I'm gone, I can't wait to get back to him. (((Divvi))) You have always been such a help to me. We all get our second and third and fourth winds. Thank heavens! scs, I agree it's hard to let go, but I would so much rather he go quickly since his quality of life is so greatly diminished. And then he will look at me and crack the biggest smile and I will want him to be here forever. I guess we just need to hang on for the ride.
depression eluded me for almost one month , how lovely it was! I think I will get over this one quickly though, as I know the stupid source. I have been so "up", and positive, and loving to my husband, just all around proud of myself and so grateful for the respite I get each week.
Then, the people next door have been here for a two week visit, some of you remember this is my "best" friend, and her husband, sadly the least supportive to me this past couple of years.
Yesterday I heard him talking to her, and he was saying," did you hear Dado repeating himself, he must have asked me 10 times if I would like another beer. What a retard."
Well he did not know I was right behind him. I said this is how it is now, and that is all I said, I did not rail and slap him.
But as I lay in bed, my heart just broke again for Dado, and for me. And then I remind myself of all of you, and the new lovely people in my life, and that the angels must smile when they see how much I love Dado and take good care of him.
Oh my goodness...Coco...that is so cruel. You are one brave contained person to just turn the other cheek. But, that was the right thing to do. You don't need the stress of getting involved in an argument or anything like that with anyone.
I was doing so much better after I had a long talk the with Hospice Chaplain yesterday and then today... had to take my dh with me to get the oil changed in the car and just do some small shopping at Wal-Mart while they changed the oil....Oh my...I can't stand it any more. It breaks my heart to see this man that loved to shop with me and I had to keep saying to him ..."please slow down" because he always walked so fast..and now..he walks so slowly. I just want to scream to keep from crying. My heart is breaking.
Wow Coco...I am always trying to be the peacemaker, but I don't think there's any possible way I could have let that comment slip by without backlash. You are calmer than I.
They would be totally gone from my life after that comment. I hate confrontations - but I'm a mama-bear about things like that. Bless your heart, Coco.
thanks you guys, I needed that. Vickie, after reflecting over this for the past year, how they are, I am going to let them go. They are only here about a month a year. In some way I had already released them. However when it is in your face, hard yeah?
I woke up feeling quite ill and weak this morning, after a nice stretch of energy and hope. Now, I still have the hope. The energy is picking up after some vitamins and rest.
JudithKB, this may sound weird, but , when I go to Wal Mart, they have these push wheelchairs with a basket, easy to maneuver and Dado likes it. (Not the powered ones.) I don't know if your husband would go for it, but try to make light of it, and I tell you, it sure makes shopping easier and people get out of your way.
Also Judith, I have been told about 30 days, yes DAYS!!, respite a year in a facility, though it is in Honolulu and I have to fly him there. The VA home nurse that comes assured me it is amazing and nice, and that I would be crazy NOT to to use those days each year. I have put in a request for Nov. 15 thru Dec. 7, (22 days) I won't know until later this month. IF we get one of the beds, I will go with him for the first day, and he has a stepson on that island that will visit him.
Dado seems to be taking really well to having the Home health Aide here once a week, he really likes her and makes no fuss. So I am hopeful on this respite home, though, sad that I would leave him for so long. There may be one coming up on this island soon, which would be much better as I could go visit.
My darling is moving on....he is in his own little world. Most of the time now, I am accepting. But when things like that happen, mean peoples comments, I spiral down in to tears and sadness. It has felt SO good to have a break from tears, I know they will keep coming though.
Oh Coco, why are people so cruel? To be truthful I wouldn't wish AD on ANYONE – even the cruel people, but maybe a LONG case of shingles (never had them, but hear they are painful!) Yes, Dear it is time to let them go. They are just pulling you down & you don't need that. I'm glad Dado likes his Home Health Aide. I haven't pursued getting anyone to come to the house because I don't think my DH will be accepting of anyone, but now I realize that I at least need to try. I hope you are feeling back to 100% very soon. Take care of yourself! <3
ElaineH, I don't know how your husband is, but I was SURE Dado would kick up a fuss about it. NOT! He looks forward to her coming, and he does not even seem that excited when I come home. However, she says he has told her "Thank you honey" when she feeds him. Oh God I did not know he was that far along.
Thanks for you kind wishes and I hope that you can consider help. And, maybe not shingles but a good case of dysentry would do the trick on them..he hee.
Really, I sound silly, but I am SO SAD today and it is time to just let it in, after these past weeks of smiles and the happy dance. I love him so, and how awful it must be to be so isolated, and to be so kind, and then people bitch behind your back just because you kept offering them a drink.
That is what makes me most sad in all this, finding out about fair-weather friends and cruel people.
Coco I would not have been able to contain myself. If ever someone needed to be bitch-slapped. Such a hateful thing to say. These people aren't worth your tears. Feel the anger though, and burn it as fuel to let them go.
me i would have been livid as well. i would have said yes retard that is me for having put up with A(%(^(^(^(^( like you! and that would have been that. i guess in the scheme of the dismay its good to know just who your real friends are. or not. divvi
Let them go Coco...you don't need people like them...How dare they say that! it's tough enough as it is, without then adding to your sadness. isn't it amazing, we soon find out who our true friends are, I've had to let go fo a few, they were just too wrapped up in themselves,and were not sensitive to my feelings.
OT..Coco....it sounds like you have more VA help on your Island then we do here in Ca. in my area. They will not have any have care givers available to come to the home until 3 or 4 months from now. And, the 30 day respite has to be in the nursing homes and I have been told they are undesireable...or VA hospital will provide the 30 day respite but it is not a secure ward.
Yes I have heard the facility is really great, but, of course I want to take a look at it first, at least online. Our VA nurse said it is awesome,...hope it is true. Hard though to think of leaving him so long.
I had to look up bitch slap, yeah that is in order. I have really strong arms I would be concerned about breaking a jaw!
Coco, I can't imagine anyone being that cruel! You were very gracious not to have a confrontation but I wish somebody could/would educate him. He is far beneath you. What you get from here are big cyber {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}. We love you!