All our married life, dh has worn pj's to bed. Now he looks at them like he has never seen them before, can't see a valid reason for wearing them. Insists on wearing same clothes he has had on all day to bed, next morning he won't change either. I plead, argue, beg, cajole but nothing works. I am losing the fight.
Should I just go along with this wardrobe malfunction and prepare myself for the more challenging issues?
Yes. Does it matter whether he goes to bed in clothes or not? Probably not. Is he willing to bathe or shower? If so, that would be the time to engineer a clothing swap.
My dh did that clothing thing for several months ...never wanted to change clothes...wouldn't take shower for days and days. He never went to bed in his clothes...but, guess it is the same brain disfunction. This too shall pass in due time.
It took a pro to get me to see that I was wasting my energies holding on to conventions that didn't matter anymore but were using up strength I would need. I got her comfortable stretchy clothing and she slept in them (two huge battles a day reduced to one every few days).
That same specialist got me to stop trying to shower her every day. Some might recall my posts about the history of bathing. Most of us grew up with a bath once a week. Before the last couple of generations virtually nobody even had a shower in their home. This worked because by this time my wife was far less active and almost entirely in the house which was kept at 70 degrees all year.
The one I found hard was brushing teeth. The day came where she didn't want this thing in her mouth with this weird tasting stuff anymore. She chewed carrot and celery sticks. I was amazed because I often checked (made me feel like I was checking over a horse) and to be honest her teeth looked great compared to what I expected.
All these things seemed wrong at the time and I resisted them all; but, the four government agencies I worked with all said I kept her longer than most do. Part of that is that we are younger than the average; but, a decent part was moving with the advice. But part of the battles was sticking with what I believed even when it contradicted the advice. I took her off all medications in that last year and she had a minor recovery where her speech improved a bit and her perception improved quite a bit for a while. That also I believe was part of the reason she became less managable.
As Judith said all these things pass in due time. I never believed I would miss those those hard times but I do because parts of her were still there. In the month before I put her into a NH, I got her to dance one more time to David Bowie and sigh wistfully listening to Neil Young. Now five months later the only thing she seems to notice is the piano being played.
She played well in her time. But not as well as the frail little thing that shuffled aimlessly towards that piano, sat down, and with a few mis-steps played well before she zoned off again and stared back into space.
Consider picking your battles Shirley, there are enough of them as it is.
Shirley, My husband also wore p.j's to bed for years then he started wearing regular shorts and t-shirts, sometimes just his under shorts. He is in a Memory Care unit now so I don't know what he wears to bed.
I put out his PJs, but sometimes he just wears his clothes, other times his shorts and t-shirt, sometimes will change to the pjs. Last night he rummaged and found his winter pjs and put them on! I just let it be.
shirley, I just had to respond because my DH has been wearing his clothes to bed for over 2 years now. Of course at first I fought it because, who wears their clothes to bed? But after listening to the wise people here I just gave in let him. I am lucky because he can still shower by himself (after I turn on the water for him) he also gives me a hard time about taking a shower, but he eventually will get in & shower& that is when I lay out the clean clothes & put the dirty ones in the hamper. On the days he doesn't shower I have him take off his shirt (after I convince him that I'm NOT going to throw it away) after he shaves & I give him a clean shirt to put on. Like others have said, what does it really matter what he sleeps in. Let this be one battle you don't fight!
Same here. I dreaded bedtime. I insisted he take off his work boots and dirtly jeans. It was just a horrible battle every night. With all the commotion in trying to get him undressed it made for a bad nights sleep. He would get out of bed and get dressed anyway. By then he thought it was time to get up. I learned the hard way that this was just not worth it. It was easier to change the sheets and allow him to go to sleep without an upset. The boots stunk so bad and the laces became so knotted that I had to cut the laces to get them off his feet. I threw them away and bought velcro tennis shoes. He loves them. By the way, it was really hard to find velcro tennis shoes. No store in the mall had them. I got them online.
Mag, our Podiatrist has a physician's shoe store here and that's where I got DH's velcro walking shoes. I got him the Cross diabetic walkers (he is not diabetic) in white; and the New Balance in beige. They are both wonderful shoes for him. Dr. Scholl does have a pair which I used last winter - but only in black and they were good also.
I am taking all your advice and suggestions to heart. I am just whipped. After getting him into the pj's last night, this morning he won't take them off. This is probably the least of my worries. He showers often (on his own) and changes underwear without my insisting. I just think he doesn't remember the purpose of pj's. Can't do anything about that. Now he can wear what he wants to bed. I will save my nervous energy for the worse which is yet to come.
No problem with bedtime attire, or showering, but DW wants to wear the same outfit, day after day usually shorts and a t-shirt or a sun dress ( thanks Marsh). I just buy multiples of the same Item, swap dirty for clean while she's showering. I resolved the problem of getting her to change her bra and panties by encouraging her to shower with them on rather than making an issue out of changing. As soon as she got out of the shower she wanted dry replacements. End of problem
I had the same problem with my DH, the last time he went to the barber he wouldn't change, I tried and tried, but he would not get out of his pj's. So off we went to the barber in his pj's. No one even looked twice at him.
I had no trouble swapping out clothes when he showered, or letting him sleep in his clothes. Those were battles I chose not to fight. Wearing clothes, as opposed to going without, was nearly my Waterloo. Put trash out, the front door, 10 at night,in his Birthday suit. We live in the city. Sure glad we're past that.
Me trying to correct him, and e woud say, " I didn't see anybody." Means nobody saw him? Or if on the enclosd porch (all windows)( "I'm in my own house." This was a tough one.
Just had to make two trips to the hospital.. DG lost his brown jumper this morning, said some one took it, so as he was cold I had to go take him another jumper.. I didn't want him to see me and then have the struggle of leaving and him getting upset all over again, so I sneaked in and gave it to the staff who then told me Dh has been putting clothes and stuff in the bin. Bins have been empted...so goodbye jumper!
Julia, I just realized you're in the UK. (Or a related area where the words "jumper" and "bin" are used instead of "sweater" and "trash can.") I will know for sure once you mention lifts, boots, and torches.
Changing clothing was one of the few problems we never experienced. I was given a tip though, if they clothing has been on for multiple days and MUST be changed, "accidentally" spill some water on the person with dementia. They will probably be cooperative in changing then because they can still recognize that wet clothing is uncomfortable.