I have arrangements made for my DH to go to respite while I go out of town to visit my older brother who is in poor health. Now I am so worried about how DH will handle it that I can't sleep at night. I am considering canceling my trip. DH will go to an ALZ Residential/Day Care facility where he has been 6-8 times already for Day Care. But he doesn't really remember it, even when it's just been a day or two since we were there. How can I handle this? I am so worried and guilt-ridden. Help!
Judy - stop feeling guilty. I know that is easier said than done. Sounds like you need to go see your brother. Go do it for you. If not you may end up feeling guiltier than you do now. Your husband will be fine. He may even enjoy 24/7 of the extra stimulation that comes from being around other. Think positive. You deserve this and he will be fine.
I'm right there with you. For the first time in 42 years, I am planning on being away from Sid for Thanksgiving. He can't travel anymore, and I honestly don't want to miss the family Thanksgiving in Chicago. Our son clearly explained to me how much better off both Sid and I will be if he is in a place where he gets good care, and I have a week of rest, but the guilt is already killing me. The place I am considering (if I can get funding) is a small group home for Alzheimer patients. The owner is someone Sid knows and likes - he is the guy who arranges and takes Sid and his Alzheimer's Buddies group on monthly outings. And I like the idea of a small home rather than a big facility. I have an apt. to visit next week. I know everyone will tell us to stop feeling guilty, and I'm supposed to be telling you that, but I know exactly how you feel, because I feel the same.
Whether it's 4 hours or 4 days that guilt will be there until you actually get through it. After a time or two, you will have defanged it. Frankly, for me, I realized fairly quickly, it was more a fear of the unknown/unforeseen. My solution was to set things up for DH's care and allow for limited check-ins. When I went away for 4 days, DH couldn"t handle the idea of the distance I was going just for free time, so I fibleted a medical session at a clinc I'd been to before. He put up with that because it was medical. i promised to check in each afternoon. I did that. Took 5 minutes or less and gave me peace of mind. Helped him get through too. For the short respite times it wasn't as hard. I knew he was in the care ofpeople I trusted. It really was like leaving your children in the care of a sittet. You set it up; provide emergency contact numbers, and go. It was rarely, if ever, anythinguntoward happened.
funny, you know that day when I had my first respite, it was not so much guilt, as grief. I was amazed at how well he took me leaving for 10 hours. In fact, when I got home, it was like I have never been gone, it seemed he almost thought the worker was me.
That did make me sad, she said he even said, "Thank you honey" when she served him lunch. And I am glad she did not correct him.
Tomorrow is my 2nd "respite" day for 10 hours. Now this will not be so much fun as I have to go to market and work, but I don't have to watch him and the 2 hour drive each way is awful too as he fusses in the car so much. Also if you recall he fell TWICE over there last week, and I knew, that was it no more taking him. The worker can do every 2nd Saturday....and then I will take every 2nd Tuesday, and that is the day I will REST and SWIM etc.
For the other 2 Saturdays I am working on a solution. I love my work, and , I need the money. But he comes first.
Judy please try to enjoy your respite, you need it.