Haven't seen too much of that yet. The thing that comes closest, around here, is his tendency to interact with our sometimes temperamental teenagers like a little boy throwing pebbles at a bees' nest. That is, daughter--17--stressed over homework or whatever, bristles at his hovering tendencies and says (not super politely) "go away!" A wise person would go away. He says, in a voice calculated to annoy, "I'm here to help." She doesn't take it well. This can go on for 10 minutes. He has always been like this, but has gotten a bit moreso.
So far the only childlike behavior is jealousy when he thinks I am talking to long on the phone or if I am enjoying some time with our friends. Then he becomes a pouting child, going to the spare bedroom and laying down. Then he refuses to come out to eat or to go to bed. At least so far he has had no tantrums. The first few times it really bothered me and I felt somehow it was my fault.(Guilt Guilt) Now I realize it is AD and I just try to show him I care and want him to be with us.
Remember how it was when your children were todlers and had to be with you all the time. Well, that is what it is like now with Ralph. He follows me around all the time. So far he does let me shower and go to the bathroom by myself. His Psycatrist told me this week, it is time to look for a home for him. He does not know where he is most of the time and she is worried about me and the stress AD puts on the caregiver. Not sure how I will handle this, but will start looking. I do have help three days a week, but guess that is not enough. Hope to keep him home for a few more months, but one day at a time is how you have to proceed with AD.
In reading your messages, it seems that what was suggested in the article I presented, probably is the best advice - handle the situation as you would if it was happening with a child of whatever age behavior your spouse is displaying.
I really think it's very hard to do. Staying calm and patient through all behaviors saps your energy.
Darlene - If you do decide on a nursing home, feel at peace with your decision. You may want to click on the "previous blogs" section on the left of the website; scroll down until you come to the blog on putting your spouse into a nursing home. Best of luck to you. We all understand how difficult a decision this will be.
My husband, Paul has to be "put to bed" each night. We sleep in seperate bedrooms and have done this for several years after he had back surgery. It is a blessing NOW. to have my own space. He also sleeps with a stuffed dog. This dog seems to be very special to him, but it is not like any dog we ever had during our marriage. It's really kind of ugly.
Also, when it comes to eating. He hold his fork different. It's hard to explain, but it does resemble a small child. He ALWAYS cleans up everything on his plate, which in the past he would "pass" on certain foods. He seems very proud that he has cleaned his plate, I guess like a child that is trying to please his mother. I don't think he is all that hungry, he just cleans his plate, so I am watching portions. I started using 1% milk on cereal, etc. and he does not know the difference. Nor can he tell the difference with fat free foods I now buy. He does not read labels anymore. In the old days, he would swear that the "diet food" as he would call it, tasted different.
Darlene, Paul follows me around the house also. I kind of give him instructions (orders) when I leave to run some errands. Thank goodness I can still leave him alone. When I return, he does not always remember the instructions, but he will say he was "good".
This is all so very pitiful, and so unlike his old personality. But AD changes most everything.
When I say something too complex to wife M, she "locks up." Just like a 2 year old "locks up" just before a screaming yelling temper tantrum. I then change the subject to something really bland like "Do you think that dark cloud will bring some rain today?" and she returns to a peaceful state. The antidepressant Paxil keeps her mostly peaceful, but a quck subject change is necessary several times a day.
My DH wants me to be by his side all day. When I tell him that I needed to do something for a moment he sometimes pouts and stomps out of the room. I tried to get him into a day care center for my own sanity,(I'm his only caregiver) He went twice and after an hour or so he asks for me constantly, they called me and told me to please talk to him, I did and I told him that I would be there shortly to pick him up.That calmed him down. I think that he is afraid that I won't come to get him and he would have to stay. So sad. At times he comes and takes my hand,like a tlttle child and pulls me outside to sit with him on the swing. I will try the daycare again tomorrow, but if he refuses to go, well that takes care of that. Becouse I will not make him go. If the decides to go I will stay a while and then if he is ok, I will go and take care of some paperwork in town and then go back and pick him up. Hopefully he will get the idea that I will not leave him there for ever. He is getting more childlike every day. I will bring this topic up in my next caregivers meeting and see if others have this happen with their LO.
Carma, I am going through the same shadowing and wanting to be constantly with me. I always said it was the one thing, that I could not handle, well it is here. Gene is a daycare drop out. I tried twice the second time, a different place, almost made it I got him there 6 times. The 7th he wouldn't get out of the car. I hope you DH will start to enjoy it. You need room to breath and think.
I told Gene the other night when he wouldn't go to sleep and kept getting up, "that he was worse than my children to get to bed." This is a new change. He was going to bed very early. He slept a lot 12-14 hours and several naps. Now the naps are gone and he doesn't want to go to bed. I think he is going through the "terrible 2's".
I have alot of the same problems with being followed around some pouting, etc...
But Robert has also gotten more willing to goof off with the kids and I when we are acting silly. In the past, he wouldn't participate with us - now he does. So, that's kinda nice. It enables us to make some good memories.
Iam new to this sight. What a wonderful site it is. So many things I am going through with my husband. One of them the following around. I am unable to go anyplace without him. It sure makes for a hard day.
Hi Sharon, It takes a lot of patience to deal with your spouse not letting you out of his sight. Sometimes, it just doesn't seem like the house is big enough. Welcome to the site.
Welcome Sharon to this site. Wonderful people and lots of sharing. We are all going through similar problems with different stages. As far as the following goes, I guess it is just part of the disease. My LO does not let me out of his sight. He does not know where he is most of the time, so I am probably his anchor and the constant in his mind. I try to remember this, when I have had enough. How would I feel? Do you have time away from him? Maybe daycare or family to help. Take care of yourself, it is not selfish to ask for help. Darlene
I told my husband that he was working at the day care center, the staff went along with it and often asked him to help. He got to the point where he'd say, "Time to go to work, but somebody's gotta do it." I learned that others work w/the staff to 'pay' the patient. Each week an envelope w/$10 or so is provided by the CG, given to the staff, they give it to the patient who brings it back home and then it gets recirculated.
Very interesting about daycare being disguised as "going to work." I don't need that now, but I'm filing the idea for later. We sold 5 rental properties in '07 as the management was falling on me. (it was always Jeff's 2nd job and ambition but as the tasks defaulted to me without his even really realizing that that was happening, I found that I couldn't happily combine those tasks with my own vocation.) Yesterday, he said "How about if I buy a house to renovate and sell?" My first answer was "no." My second, considered response was "let's think about that after you get all the woodwork varnished and other odd jobs finished around here." Peace, for now. I hope it won't come up again, but there's a reason I leave these things undone instead of hiring someone to finish the last details of our house renovation. He seems to be unable to organize himself to attack these chores in an efficient way, so I'm counting on being able to deflect his notions of buying any more investment properties with this device for as long as necessary.
My husband, too, shadows me. I especially like your idea, Bettyhere, of telling him he is going to "work" at the daycare. I took Chuck to the daycare 3 times in the late winter when he was having severe depression problems from the Alz. and he says he won't go back. However, maybe I could get him to go back if he thinks he is "working" there. Thanks for the idea.
Today's (11/8/07) Blog topic is about being smothered by our spouse's need for constant attention, and fear of being without us. It makes be feel like I can't breathe. I invite you to read the blog and post your opinions here.
Can I relate and I'm in the early stage. If only I could have a phone conversation, time on the internet, just time alone in the cabin without him there, looking in the windows, coming into the cabin and asking questions. Thank goodness I don't have a cell phone!!! The constant checking and the few times I go into town - I live out in the woods....cabin by the lake - and I just want some time alone to look around and take my time. He wants to come along! Or how long will I be....who cares I'll be finished when I'm finished. This was never the case when we were working. I'm thinking of moving into the little town close by us so that I can have some other activites and maybe find him some more things to keep him busy and out of my hair.
Just give me some space. How do the rest of you do it?
I wish I had appreciated more the vacations I used to take alone to go home, or the everyother evening my husband used to work and I went home to a quiet house. Things are sure different now. I fear the phone ringing after I get home from work because if it is anyone other than his family he pouts, leaves the room and when he drove would even leave in a huff if I talked for more than a minute. My friends know this and they try not to call at night but my son and I only get to talk when he gets off work or on weekends. I will not tell my son he can't call and I plan to continue talking to him when he does. Its just so hard to see my husband behave this way because he never did before AD. He also has gotten where he doesn't want me to go anywhere without him. The questions, where are you going, when will you be back, who is going to be there and do you really have to go drive me crazy. Thank heavens he still understand I have to work and just questions what time I will be home even though it is the same time everyday. The only reason I am still sane is I have a great caregiver counselor, I have a good friend who listens and my doctor believes in some drug intervention. I have found diversion to be my best tatic when he begins his childish behavior, it seems the only way to make him happy.
This is a really good topic for discussion. I am just now checking the web site (10:30 PM) because my spouse has been behaving like a child all day!!! Well I guess it was OK today because it was his birthday (71st) and it WAS his day. I began my calling all the kids last night and reminding them of his birthday. In the past it wasn't important to him and he and I would just go out to dinner...except for his 65th when we had a big, big party, his birthday has never really been a family affair. But today was different than other years. Somehow, I guessed it would be. He was still in bed when the first call came from his daughter (my step-daughter). He was full of giggles when she sang happy birthday and insisted on bringing lunch to both of us. He truly was like a little boy that was getting ready for a birthday party. All excited and filled with anticipation. Then the next call came. This really made his day. Then the third and fourth. (we have four daughters between us). By the time lunch was finished and a very nice visit with his daughter, he was ready for a nice nap. Later a call from his brother, then his nephew....plus the church group showered him with cards in the mail and he opened each one with glee, reading every word. HE REALLY ACTED LIKE A CHILD THAT WAS HAPPY THAT EVERYONE REMEMBERED HIS BIRTHDAY! This is so unlike the way he used to be. And yes, I feel like his mother, not his wife these days. He went to bed tonight after a full day of birthday fun, contented and filled with joy. I hope he remembers some of it tomorrow.
Joan: DH used to call me on my cell a million times a day when I worked. Since I was working I couldn't answer each and every time, and he would leave a voice mail. I would periodiacally check the voice mails to make sure there wasn't a real emergency. When I would go home at night and try to discuss something with him that he had called about, he had no clue what I was talking about. I honestly believe he would call, then forget he called, then call again, then forget he called, because the messages would sometimes be identical. He didn't seem to mind that I didn't personally answer each time. He just needed to tell me something. NOW, when I leave the house I write on a notebook where I am going and my cell# (he now forgets it and has trouble dialing), when I THINK I will be back. I always give myself more time than I need, and put on the note that I love him. He told me the other day that when I am gone he reads the note while I am gone over and over and it really helps him feel like he is OK. So far this is working well for me. It would also be helpful if there was a real emergency and a neighbor came in and needed to get ahold of me.
When I get a personal phone call, I take the cordless phone and go to my office and close the door. This sometimes makes him mad, but I have had to be firm on this because I have 12 rental properties and I get business calls from potential renters, contractors, etc. He never comes into my office when I have the door closed. It's almost like he has learned that like a child eventually learns that he may not interupt his parent when an important phone call comes. If he complains about me spending too much time on the phone, or out doing errands, or out having fun, I just say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ignore you", kiss him and give him a big hug and change the subject. It always works with my husband....but only because he forgets and becaue he is like a child now. It's still hard for me to accept and sometimes is not very much fun at all.
I had a real big hit of being a mommy tonight. We went out to local restaurant for dinner. I ordered for him, I cut up him food. Then the crowning moment, and for the first time, I had to take him to the men's room. I turned on the light for him and ask if he would be OK from there. He said he didn't know what to do. So in I went. Thank goodness it was just a one room that I could lock the door. I had to help him all the way.....and wiped his butt for the first time. Well there goes the romance! Some date!
It is amazing what we can do when the time comes.
At my support group we discussed the need for family restrooms and how you take the opposite sex to the restroom. Something I will need to think about in the future now.
Good idea...the family restroom. They have those at places like malls. I guess it would be hard to retrofit every small bathroom area in every restaurant, but tolerance and more acceptance of "helpers" in bathroom situations is bound to grow.
Joan, I was reading some of your previous blogs and ran across this one. I'm dealing with numerous calls to my cell phone every time I go out. If I get a call at home, he calls to tell me about it. If someone comes by, he calls to tell me about it. If I'm gone a little longer than he thinks, he will call. If he thinks of something he wants to tell me, he calls. I'm not dealing with the shadowing like some of you and I'm thankful that he is still Ok at home by himself. I know this is just the AD making him feel insecure when I'm away but I really need some "me time" with my friends or just to go shopping.
Joan, did this phase pass or are you still dealing with it?
Jayne, Be glad he is "cleaning his plate". Unless he is very overweight I wouldn't worry about what he eats. Mine won't eat anything and has lost weight and from what I read on this site, not eating is a "symptom" So maybe you should let him "pork up".
Welcome Sharon, This site will only get better for you. Good luck with your LO.
Like all of you, I have been followed around for over 2 years. As he is getting in latter stages, that won't happen too much longer. Now, when and if I go anywhere, I don't kiss him goodbye because my Daughter says he pouts most of his waking time while I'm gone. He won't let her do anything for him and recently turned his back on her. If I just leave while she averts his notice, he's OK. Thank God we have her. We have a small house and at times I thought I would go crazy if I had to look at him one more time. I now think how hard it is going to be living without him. We have been married 50 years and met and dated 8 years before that. Life with AD is better than no life...
Welcome Sharon. This is a beautiful group of people here.
My husband also shadows and has for two years now. Literally must be within 5 feet of me at all time. He has also started to wander off at stores with anyone and everyone that looks anything like me. He walks very slowly now and I am constantly having to turn my head to look for him when we are out.
Bathrooming has been a nightmare when out in public. Thank goodness for the family restrooms, but they are few and far between. My brother recently suprised us with a four day get away with them. It was a five hour drive and not a single rest area or resturaunt had a family bathroom. My poor brother ,who has a five year old son ,had to remind my husband how to go when he took him into the men's room. I could tell how embarresed he was.
I am tired and almost five years of this is beginning to take its toll. Its noon already and all I have gotten done is cleaned the bathroom sink and commode. He just won't let me do anything. Hes resting now so I thought I would talk to my friends here while I could.
Dazed, he's probably calling you immediately on everything so he won't forget to tell you, plus he may be afraid that he will forget before he could write it down. Can you turn your phone off and let him leave you messages so that you can listen at your convenience? SInce you say he can be home alone, would that be a problem?
My husband went through the stage where he was calling me all the time (10-15 calls a day at work). Even if I was running errands and not at work (Saturday), he would call work. He would become very unhappy if he got my voice mail, call several times with each call getting more angry and nasty. If he got desperate, he would even drive to work to find me (I am very grateful that my co-workers were so understanding).
The good news is that yes, this stage does eventually pass. The bad news is that you might be even more unhappy with what takes its place.
When my husband behaves in an unacceptable manner that is detrimental to himself or others, I tell him "no". What amazes me is that as far gone as he is, he will still listen to that and often stop the behavior. I usually tell him that that is not nice and he is a nice person that doesn't do that. Somewhere I read that positive behavior praise often works well for a person with AD.
Ahhh I remember those days well, I find I have a smile on my face looking back.... Back in the day, when Lynn was still able to be home alone, he use to call me ALL THE TIME. The record was one time during an hour and a half movie, he called me 24 TIMES!!!! Good thing I had the phone shut off!
The other thing he use to do at that stage, was he would call and tell me something was really wrong and I better come home now! Whenever I pushed and asked what was wrong, he couldn't come up with anything. Poor bugger, he was lonely and wanted me home. My friends and family were really wonderful about it, whenever we went out together they had a running bet to see who could guess how many time he would call LOL NOW..... ahhhh I miss those days! Yes, this too will pass....... with Lynn he went from this to shadowing. Now he lurks, but still wants to be around me when he awake. *sigh
I'm out here in the beautiful Pacific NW wondering just what is going on this last week-10 days or longer. He cleans up his plate and shows me and says he's been a good boy. If I give him instructions i.e., taking stuff to the recycle bin, he says he's done a good job and am I going to give him a spanking? What the ???? is this all about? He likes me to take a shower with him and he holds his arms up in the air and giggles because I'm tickling him when I soap and scrub under his arms. I give him a soapy wash cloth to do his own private places and I keep an eye to make sure he does a good job. So far, so good. Then I dry him off and he raises his arms again so I can apply his deoderant. Keeps telling me what a good boy he is.
He also follows me around here most of the time and just plain gets in the way, i.e., when the teakettle is whistling, I have to tell him several times to move so I can remove it from the stove.
Another thing he's been doing is just wandering around and he has his hands folded just below his waist. His shoulders are hunched. He has kind of a silly smile on his face. the other day he took off and I asked him where he was going. he said he was going to the potty because he didn't want to wet his pants. Said if he did he was afraid I'd spank him.
I'v never been abusive to him in any way and this really bothers me. Any suggestions?
Copy and paste this link - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/spouseaschild.htm It is a blog I wrote last October - if the link doesn't copy and paste, go to the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com- and click on Previous Blogs - scroll to the October 5th blog. It discusses the phenomenon of Alzheimer's Disease - that it is regressive. The person goes through all of the developmental stages of life, but backwards. That explains a lot of the childlike behavior and reasoning.
Oh Mawzy, is this the next step after all the phone calls when I'm away? Surely somebody in this whole wide world knows how to stop this awful progression. Most of the time my DH is normal....well almost....and then I read these boards and have to wake up to the realization of what's coming.
No, no one knows how to stop this. I think we might be the first generation of caregivers who know what is coming. Considering just how upset most of the newbies who come here and to the other boards I've visited are when they arrive, it wouldn't be better not to know. We all seem to calm down quite a bit once we know what is coming.
And then again, we all seem to grieve over what will come in 6 months or a year or 5 years. It really is a two edged sword.
Mawsy, that would be quite daunting indeed hearing it coming from your DH's grown mans body-i dont think we can really know which areas of the brain are affected at any one time, maybe his happens to be in his early childhood yrs and hes reliving some of those memories?. just go along at least hes easy to manage still, maybe it will pass soon. divvi
This site is so important. Just knowing about regression to the child state at least explains some of this stuff. I had no idea this happened. Or that other people's LOs had similar lapses.
Thanks so very much. This weekend has been very hard and I'm kind of sad. There's no way to make any plans. Even if I let him know days in advance what's going on so that he won't be surprised or unprepared, he'll go along with everything and at the very last minute changes his mind and messes me up. I'm losing my 'nice' fast and my patience even faster!
What about kid-like behaviors like "burping loudly" or "picking his nose and 'tossing' buggers out into the room just beyond where he's sitting"...NEVER has my husband been a nose picker and def would not have 'tossed' buggers around...I ask him if he'd like a tissue & place it on his lap...that's where it stays!!! I guess he's @ least just doing this @ home & not out in public!
natsmom, my husband does the same thing, I keep telling him to use his handkerchief or a Kleenex, but he still slings it on the floor. It is so disgusting to me and I have a hard time to keep my cool. I just hope that he stops this soon.
Oh, geeze, I did not need to hear about this. The idea of the poop patrol I can handle (maybe not the reality, but definitely the idea), but this is just gross. Maybe you could get them to play cowboy, and wear the handkerchief over their noses?
natsmom and carma, my husband does the same thing! I had wondered why he was doing it, and like you, handed him a tissue, which he held in his hand for about an hour! This is wild!
Oh just wait, it gets better.....they will soon be peeing on the floor....once my husband decided to pee on a fan that was set up to dry a floor that had just been washed. Talk about a mess!
One thing about being on this board, we can't say we were not warned about what's coming. Makes us appreciate where we are at the present time. Am I really up to this?
Good heavens. except for not shaving, showering, changing clothes, etc.DH is pretty tidy. Still manages to hit the pot when he pees. So far none of the incontinence issues. But he always takes a clean hanky. He uses those big bandanas and has for years. They are tissue thin now but much better than the other things that can happen. Ugh!
Since my husband's vocabulary is limited basically to the five words (yes, no, okay, fine and good), when he wants my attention, he claps once (once, only once - for those of you who are familiar with the "ping" in "The Hunt for Red October") and waits for me to turn towards him and figure out what to ask him to find out what he needs. I always liked game shows and trivia, and they have come in handy during this stage! The other night he had gone to bed and I was still in the den in my recliner, with my laptop, at this site (of course) when I heard "CLAP" and turned around. There he stood with a question on his face. I asked him if he wanted to know when I was coming to bed and he said yes. I told him "in a few minutes" and he was satisfied, turned around and went back to bed! <grin>
Sandi, and everyone, peeing on the floor is everyday duty around here:) i find places wet that he sneaks off and i honestly believe he just cant locate the bathroom in time anymore unless i am guiding him to it, about every 2hrs or so. then he usually goes. but if i dont, its a hit/miss where the next puddle will be. recently he just peed on the sliding glass doors, then another time on a long glass mirror at the end of the hall. i take it in stride now mostly until i lose it on an offday.:) our floors are marble and quite slippery if they get any bit wet so i have to be on pee patrol as well now...ok, in my books, pee patrol is lots easier than poop patrol..today i can laugh about it, last week i was hysterical:) divvi
Sheeze! I don't have pee or poop YET. But he just sits in that chair. He doesn't read. He doesn't talk. If he's not sitting, he's following me around. Now he's putting his head on my shoulder every few minutes. I ask him if I can help him. He says "Are you still my favorite wife?" Over and over and over again.
I am really about to lose it. and you want to know what else? My famly thinks I'm a saint because I'm always so sweet. I'm going to pull out my hear. It is 11:57 a.m. and I'm sitting here venting to you guys. Sorry to interrupt. I've got a lump in my throat, my stomach is in knots and I've gained another 5 lbs. Much more of that and I won't be able to get through the front door to escape (ha ha).