I have just returned from the memory care facility where my husband is and he was very ugly and said hurtful things. If it had not been for the CNA, he would have hit me. Yes I know, it is the DISEASE but my heart is having a very difficult time comprehending that. Yesterday was a good visit but today not so and I keep hoping for many days of good feelings. He has only been in there since June because of the agression and anger but it seems like an eternity. I know others have been in this same situation and my question is - did a spouse ever return to the home from memory care facility or by the time the agression abates, does the disease just go downhill from there.
The past several years have been extremely difficult and as all know, the loneliness at times is so overwhelming that I just want to scream. I know that I need to make an effort at this time to do things for myself but my energy seems to have abandoned me - could be the heat!! I want to joint the YMCA's beginner Yoga class but seems each week I just can't get it scheduled or make excuses why I can't.
Gay - others who have had this experience will reply, but I want you to know I feel so for you. I can't imagine how hard it is to have an agressive DS. I hope you do the Yoga - it is wonderful for relaxation. Take care.
Gay- I am not at your point yet. Yet I know one day I will be. From all I have learned from listening to others once your LO is in a facility, they probably will need to stay. The tough part is going home to an empty house. This is where you are a widow and yet not. My husband also has bouts of aggression, I know what lies ahead. You need to make the call, schedule the yoga class and put it on your calendar in ink! You must think about you. You will be better able to handle the journey if you take care of you and yoga is a great way of doing that. It helps one let go of the ugliness of this disease. No matter how many times we say it is the disease, not my husband, phooey; what they say still hurts, big time.
Gay, I am sorry you had to go through that, it must have been so difficult. It would be great for you to get out and do something for yourself. Yoga is fun and soothing.
Gay - I too deal with "aggression" from my DH. He is not in a facility, but @ home w/me & at times, that is the only reason I consider "placing" him. I don't know about the answer of whether or not they come back home, but I can say that with medication my husb takes, he has done SO much better! Still have "times" of aggression, but nothing like it was initially. From what I can tell, he gets very upset if restroom issues are involved -- the anger of having to be helped seems to linger...but after a while, then it subsides. Esp if I just "go on" with something else. I feel for you because I am there also to some degree...our hearts get really broken by how we are treated. Fact is, I suspect if he did NOT have AD, I bet your husb would never have done these things to you. I try to remember that as I go through day to day, but even then it is sometimes heart wrenching. Keep praying & asking God to give you the strength to endure...hopefully your DH will "mellow" as time goes along, and you will again here loving & kind words. I joined our YMCA about 3 weeks ago & I can say it has helped tremendously to just "get out" and be with others & exercise!! I've been told the Pilates is good too, altho it doesn't fit into my schedule just yet. I hope you'll go ahead & take time for you! You'll be glad you did & amazed at the difference it makes -- the "experts" say what's good for our hearts is good for our minds! Try some aerobic classes too! Take care & hang in there!!
There is no real pattern as to what sets him off - other than just me. He is not quite so bad with his children and others. He has always been a somewhat agressive, opionated individual but would never physically hurt me. The anger in his face now is so frightening and he just gets out of control. I do plan on doing something to help me physically for I have really ignored my health for so long now in taking care of him.
God never gives us more than we can bear but sometimes I wonder.
I feel so bad for you girls that have these bouts of anger from your husbands.... It seems that its always the men with AD that get mean and aggressive... My days with Dee( even though she will have days of frustration ) are nothing compared to what it seems some of you girls must go through..Anyway Gay, Please take care of youself and find an outside interest for YOU.... Dan
Awww Gay, this is so hard to take, such an emotional spear to the heart. I too was the trigger for Lynn. He was sweet as punch to everyone else, but come sundown I could rarely do anything that didn't upset him. Again as you said, I do know it wasn't him, and I never said anything hateful back, but yes, it does still have the power to hurt , and deeply. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this part of the disease as well.
Lynn is doing very well on the seroquel, it has helped bring back his loving personality. He has been on it over a week, and I haven't heard one "I hate you" ! He does still get a bit flustered if he is over tired, if we try to do shopping etc...but NOTHING compared to what he was. I too want to keep him home, the seroquel has made it so I still can.
This must be so hard for you, having him in the MCF and having your visits marred this way. Do take this time to lick your wounds and find some you time. Best wishes, Nikki
He has been on seroquel since the 1st of June, dose started slow and has built up to 100 mg a.m. and 100 mg p.m. The Dr. just included 25mg at 3:00 to try and circumvent the sundowning. Of course, it is around 4:30 when I normally stop by after work. I never know what his reaction is going to be when he sees me - it is like out of a horror movie. Made the decision not to go every day, maybe every other, to see if that will help the situation - who knows!
Thank you all for the encouragement and kind words and I am really going to try to do more for me. Tomorrow my daughter, daughter-in-law and I are going to the movies and out to dinner which should be fun for they are both so enjoyable to be with and have tremendouse sense of humors. Actually, they are best friends too!
Gay, what would happen if you didn't stop by after work for a day or two? What do the people at the NH say about that? What does the doctor say?
For that matter what does YOUR doctor say about you having to deal with a daily bout of anger followed by huge amounts of guilt every day at 4 right after work?
What would happen if you took a whole weekend off? Starting Friday afternoon right after work. No trip to the NH. You just get on a bus or train or into your car and go someplace for the weekend. Would he be better or worse? Could the NH people find out if it is seeing you that sets him off, or just the fact that it is 4 pm? What would happen if the habit of rage at 4pm was broken?
Please note that I am not saying that YOU are the cause of the rage, because YOU ARE NOT. I'm thinking that either he is using you as a catalyst or it has become a habit that when he sees you he is allowed to act badly.
Even if nothing changed, you need the respite. The idea that you are actually considering bringing home someone who is still attacking you in the NH shows that you need a few days away from the situation.
Gay, I just can't imagine what you are going through. It scares the bagebbers out of me! So far, the hardest part for me, is the past couple of years of rages aimed at me. It is so hard that not only is it effecting every aspect of our lives, when the rages and hate are involved it just sucks even more!
I am scared to death the seroquel is going to stop working. AD is still stealing him away from me, but there is no more of the violent outburst, his personality is back... to have that taken away again, after the long fight to try to get him help... I am not sure if I could take it.
I don't know what I would do in your shoes as Lynn is still able to be home with me. Sundowners is horrible.... and to have all that anger directed at you - it drains you so much quicker. And we know it isn't their fault, but it still hurts like hell!! I don't know, with Lynn.. I WAS the trigger! It didn't matter what I did or said, or if I did nothing at all, he would come looking for a fight.
I think starling has a great idea, test to see if it is the time or you. Perhaps stop going on the week days, maybe a relative or friend could stop by, and see if the rages continue? Is he this way with you on the weekend when you can go earlier? I wish I had a magic wand and could make this all go away for all of us. I hate it all! I do hope you can find a way to make this easier on YOU! Thinking of you , Nikki
Actually, last weekend went to Cleveland for nephew's White Coat Ceremony and was away Fri thru Mon. His son, daughter, granddaughter and children went to visit him (someone each day). When I went to see him Tuesday, he was ugly - because "I just went on vacation" and left him there. How he manages to remember some things and not others amazes me. The mystery of it is that it is not every time when I go after work but maybe every 2nd or 3rd day. However, I do believe it is ME because when he was home, I had to say very little and it was like a timebomb waiting to explode. When others were there, the anger was ONLY directed at me because "I was gone too long", or "didn't tell him where I was going". UGH!!