so i am thinking of having my parents move in with bobby and i. building on a in law suite. we are 5 yrs into his dx and looking back maybe signs of something that was maybe this 2 yrs prior so total 7 years. bobby is solid level six but has slipped in and out with some 7 level things. he is very much aware of people from his past and always has a big grin to see them when they come around. anyone in the last year or two that he has meet is not held in his mind. he does good for the caregiver as long as i am here but is agressive with her if i am gone for any time over a couple hours. bobby is 57 and i am 50 , i work 40 to 45 hours a week from home on a very mind detailed job, although it has gotten better the last couple of months as far as getting him in and out of the car to run errands i know this could come to a end again soon. it gets lonely at night and i tend to just sit trying to be still hoping that will encourage bobby to do the same but of course the pacing does not stop until bedtime around 930pm. my parents have been here so much for me as other family members have but they are retired and can come more often. they are very healthy mid 70 yr olds who still have a very active life, so they would be coming and going on with their lives . we have tried to find a small house close by but that is not working out. so the next idea is the addition to our home. so.... any toughts, has anyone done this or considered why not to to do this yourselves?
This sounds like it could be a good idea...don't know about building an addition that can be very stressful! Sure hope it all works out and you can all live comfortably together.Crossing my fingers and praying for the right situation for you all.
If I were doing this thinking process, it would be important to consider whether this is still exactly the arrangement you will want after Bobby is no longer with you. Adding on is a pretty big commitment, but if you'll end up with things the way you'd want them long-term, it could be worthwhile.
I understand lonely at night, and I'm interested in the solutions people come up with. Now that Jeff is living in an ALF nearby, I almost wish I were "old enough" to want to move to a senior village kind of place, because I can't see suburban aloneness working for me from age 50 on...
donna l--if you add on, I can see it as a good thing as long as your parents remain in good health. However, it also seems to me that you will have a built-in job as their caregiver in the future. Perhaps this is what you want anyway. I took care of my parents before Steve's dx and concurrently, for a while after; but, they didn't live with me. Anyone who is doing/has done it will tell you, it's a lot to handle--emotionally and physically along with or before or after dementia caregiving. I think a lot would depend on what your parents had planned for their retirement living arrangements.
Would it be possible to just put a trailer on your property as a temporary situation. I've known people that have had their parents or children come and stay during long illness in their motor home or trailer.
It sounds like an addition might take longer then what you need. Adding an addition to the home can be very stressful....been there done that. Also, I assume you want to keep your dh home until the end.... are you sure you can do that. Just different things to think about and even without added changes the illness is very stressful.
As others have said - adding on is a huge committment and major stress, which you don't need. Also, Marilyn's point is spot on - your parents are in their 70's. They may be in good health now, but things could turn on a dime. And they are only getting older - for how long will they have the energy and strength to give you all the help you need? You could end up in a very short time being caregiver to THREE people.
Maybe they can live in an apartment nearby, but honestly, I would seriously consider the consequences on everyone of depending on mid 70 year olds for caregiving help. Another suggestion would be - if you have the funds to add on to your house, maybe that money would be better spent on in-home professional help for your husband. It's a tough decision. Hopefully, all of our suggestions will help you decide.
thanks for the thoughts!! yes we have looked at what is call a care cottage . county says i would have to add another septic field not really a big deal we have over 4 acres. no apartments close by we are in the county. my parents neither have dementia in the family not that that matter any but have always said they are willing to go to a nursing home when the time comes. i am an only child and got a taste of taken care of bobby here and them at their home this week with dad's surgery not fun!! i don't want to be a caregiver that has to travel everyday somewhere. i wish the care cottage was easier but still checking on things. for now they could help me because bobby accepts them in the house and i could help them without leaving bobby! still thinking ,...
donna, all of the above are valid reasons. I am also an only child and fully expected to care for my Mother in my home when she needed the care - before a NH would be considered. My Father died young. I moved my Mother in with us when she was in her late 70's and she could no longer stay out in the country on her farm because there was too much outside work for her to do. She lived with us through my dh early dementia to late stages before she died. She did not have dementia. She helped me throught his illness and I cared for both of them. It was much easier for me having her in-house than away from me. I could keep an eye on both of them and see that she took her meds properly etc. I built a new house during the midst - and believe me it was stressful - but I am so glad I did. I designed it with both of them in mind - keeping a room so my Mom could have her privacy and we could have ours. I was fortunate in being able to keep both of them home through their final illnesses. If you fully intend on caring for your parents as they need it - then that will be a big factor in our decision. My only regret now is that I have more space than I need - but that is ok too. I would do the same thing over again. A guest house near your home is another option and could be rented out later.
I am now caregiver for my sister BUT she lives in ALF. I could not take care of her and dh too in this house and keep what little sanity I have left. I am her advocate and pay all her bills, take care of her money, etc. I am 79 yrs old and it is taking my last nerve and energy to keep up with all I have now to look after. I'm sure your parents want so much to help you out but even assisting a caregiver is a tiring job. I hope all works out well for you. I am with those who suggest a nearby apartment so everyone has some time for themselves. Oops, didn't read that you live in the country and no apartments nearby.
I speak to this issue from the stand point of the parents. I am 78 years old and I know there is a difference after you pass the 75 mark, or maybe it is just the caregiver position I hold that has taken its toll on me....but I am dead tired. If I had to go and help someone I would like to have some place of my own...could be small...that is why in an earlier post I suggested a travel trailor. I would have my own TV, bed, my things I wanted and a place to go where I could be alone part of the day. Plus, a travel trailor could be sold when it is no longer needed. I know several people that had a travel trailor because they traveled a great deal, but they kept it when they could no longer travel and when they have guests that is where the guests stay.
If you like the idea of having your parents for company then it seems like a promising idea. You wouldn't consider moving somewhere closer to everything (particularly closer to nursing homes if ever needed) and buying a duplex or a house with an attached apartment? Supervising an addition is a big job, and would your husband be paranoid about the workers or agitated by the noise? Do you know a contractor you would trust? Is your house already wheelchair ready for when your husband needs that, or can it be made so?
On the other hand, I can testify that setting things up exactly how you want makes a huge difference. I did a renovation of a smaller house we already owned and then we moved there, and it has worked out very well. See http://deeplanguage.blogspot.com/2011/08/looking-back-on-home-renovations-for.html. I didn't worry too much about whether I would get the cost back when I sold the house--I figured if it would keep my husband out of a nursing home for a couple of years that would balance the cost.
I have a friend who bought a duplex and put a door between them - her mother lived in one side and her and her family on the other. It worked great for both of them.
There also was some famous actor or author who had two apartments and did the same thing. I remember reading about it, but I don't recall who they were.
donnaL, we added a third story to our house in 2010 which consisted of a master suite with 2 closets and a computer room that looks like a command center with a small fridge and a microwave. My SIL who works at Lowe's did all the work and his dad helped and Lowe's gave us his discount on everything! While they did the demolition to the roof, I took my husband to Florida and stayed for 2 months with my ex SIL. It was under roof when we got home and after all the drywall and painting and carpet was done, my daughter and SIL and 2 teenaged sons moved back home and rented their house to my grandson. The third floor is theirs and the boys have bedrooms on the second floor. By doing this, I was able to be with Lloyd 24/7 and quit work. Otherwise, I would have never made it this far! I am 60 and he is 61. I worked midnights for as long as I could, but he just couldn't be left alone any longer. My SIL and his dad got the third floor livable within 4 months and Brett worked full time.
thanks for all your thoughts, there are some many angles to take into account. their point of view, my point of view, the county's point of view. privacy for everyone would have to well thought out. talked to the county again today and the contractor . he will be out soon to give me some in put. really wish the county would consider the care cottages a temporary thing and let me hook it into my septic field/ oh well i want something done by the end of the year i need more help and since he can flip on a dime on the caregiver and has not done that with family it would be nice to have some help without taking advantage of my parents but letting them be here to hopefully have me later on for them too. i don't give myself time to think about what i might do after bobby cannot stay here or is gone. the most i think about the future is how much i would like to sleep and exercise and take care of me again.
And don't underestimate the value of having a project not related to dementia which you can think about in a careful fashion! I didn't do an addition but I did do a kitchen renovation, with an eye to making the house more salable in the "after".. Although some of it was stressful, I did all the contracting after doing the research, and was quite happy with the results. And, in a postscript, the kitchen was a big factor in my house selling quickly when I did put iton the market this spring.