My husband's passing 12 days ago has made me realize that I haven't finished some important things in our marriage. I haven't finished laughing with him; travelling with him; sharing meaningful conversations about our children and grandchildren, our plans for the future, and our opinions on everything; I haven't finished loving him... I miss him so much already! it's so awful to lose them, isn't it...even though we want their suffering to end... I guess what I really miss is having him back to the way he was... before the AD devil took him away from me!
Bella, my heart goes out to you. Although my dh is still here with me I miss him every day whenever I feel joy at my children's accomplishments, or pain at some sorrow, I miss his input in important decisions and feel adrift and depressed when I think of the future. I know it must feel so much more final, no hope of reprieve when they actually leave this earth but I feel your pain and wish it could be different for us all.
Bella, I was thinking of this just last night. I want my DH's pain and fear to end. But to end, is to not have him with me anymore. And I hate that part. Sadly my DH has been gone from me for more than the 2 years after the dx. He has been MIA from me for almost 6 years now. Growing apart I thought, now know he was just slowly vanishing from the here and now.
Dear Bella - My DH has been gone for 10 years but I've had a good life for some time now. That does not mean I don't miss him, that he isn't in my heart. Sometimes I remember my father and think, 'oh, I wish I could talk to Dad about this.' What we need is time to let these losses take their proper place in our lives--and time is not the easiest thing to wait for. Recently, cleaning out some things I came across one of his DH's coats. I held that coat, hugged it, crying silently, slept with it that night. NOW - listen - this is NOT something I do all the time--that would be sick--I am NOT that way, DO NOT want to be that way. The next day the coat went back to it's place. I did not give it away, but it is not part of my active daily life. And that is how my emotional memory is. His memory, including my losing him, is part of my life, but it does not dominate my life. It has its proper place. I do not want to lose that part of our life anymore than I would want to lose the memory of my father. It's there, comfortably tucked in a soft corner of me. On rare occasions, like with the coat, it comes to the fore--and that's good, a bittersweet brief moment of connecting--acknowledging the past but not clinging to it and refusing to move on. How lucky to have had such love. I never want to forget it, but Nature takes us on a survival trip, whether we want to go or not. Savor your grief,it is not a bad thing. In time, I promise, no matter what your new life brings, in time his dear memory will live gently, not intrusively, in your heart.
Bettyhere*-such comforting words. Thank you. If you have been fortunate, as we have, to have spend most of your life married to a person you love-that person will always be a gentle part of your life.
Betty, that's a good way to put it, gentle memories. I was widowed almost 7 years ago now. Life does suddenly become very different. Recovery takes time. The sharp edge of grief gradually dulls, vague things on the periphery of a life most recently spent caring for another begin to come into focus, you find things that interest you and ways to connect/reconnect with people. It doesn't necessarily happen quickly, but it does happen. My memories are good ones, I find myself thinking of DH often in a good, soothing way, coming across things I wish I could share, but with more gentle wistfulness than sorrow at this point. Bella, it's so very early for you. Give yourself time to grieve, but cling to the knowledge that there can still be a good life ahead.
Bella*, my heart goes out to you too. Twelve days is such a short period of time. In some ways, I feel as if Gord has been gone forever and in others, it seems like yesterday. I woke with a start at 5:15 this morning. I was in a panic wondering if Gord had gotten off to work. I rolled over and of course, the other side of the bed was empty. Then I remembered. Why I thought of that I don't know. Gord retired in 2003. The mind is a very strange thing.
bella, I don't really know how you feel because DH is still alive and probaby in mid-stage 6, but I am not finished yet either. I want those laughs, shared events (no more memories, I know), conversations, etc and I know the time for us to enjoy them is slipping away quickly. My love and compassion are sent to you while you're struggling with all the unfinished business. I too know when DH passes I will still feel like our lives were unfinished too. (((HUGS)))
Thank you all for your encouraging and loving words...I will take them to heart, and I do realize that I need more time to grieve, and that it will not ever be totally finished...how can we ever expect it to be? As my wise uncle told me, we do not "get over" losing our loved ones, but in time we learn to "get around" it.
I remember once reading "time does not heal; it just passes". I don't know if this applies only to death, but for the other losses we here feel so much.
I've been here since the first of the year but away for the last couple of weeks. I am sorry for your loss.