Dh is more confused today than usual. He has been trying to mow the grass and I think finally finished somewhat. We got a new push mower and he wants to mow the fence row in the pasture! It is between us and a neighbor and I've put him off for awhile anyway by telling him we should ask the neighbor first. The grass in the fence row is two feet tall at least and he's never mowed it. He was going to mow the front pasture and then he was in the front yard and now he is weeding a flower bed. Just can't seem to stay with anything at all. He's been talking about me to me lately and I keep telling him who I am and he says "I know". I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake from. To add to my "wonderful" day is my daughter bugging me. I told her finally if she wanted to give me a mother's day gift just don't call. Now I feel awful about that. But sometimes I'm at the end of the rope and this one has no knot to hold on to. She has alienated all the family and not one want anything to do with her. She is a pitiful mess and I feel sorry for her but so many calls for help and I just can't stand anymore. Just needed to whine I guess because as I read others on this board my situation isn't as bad. I would give so much to just hear my sweetheart's voice again and get in the car and drive away with him. A stroke left the side of his mouth with partial paralysis and his voice changed this happened one night while we were talking. His voice now is so different. Just something else I miss. But he is still living at home and able to control body functions so I don't have it as bad as some I read about. I know times are going to get worse and I should be grateful for what I have now. I'm not ungrateful believe me but tonight I'm feeling very low. I know I hurt my daughter and I feel bad about that but she had really pushed me too far. I'm just not capable of taking care of so many folks. Sorry, I guess this is my pitty party for the evening.
Oh, flo39, I am so sorry. All I can do is tie another knot in that rope and dangle it for you to hold onto. Try to hang on. We'll be here for you. Love and hugs.
flo39, I'm not going to give you a pep talk, because if you are like me, sometimes you just want to whine & have someone listen & not try to solve the situation. I AM going to tell you that I understand how you feel. My DH seems more confused lately. He hasn't been able to do any yard work for a couple years now & has no interest in it. The last time he cut the grass he ran over an old wire that we used to hook our dog up to & broke the blade (the mower was relatively new). I also feel guilty whining sometime because my DH is also still not as advanced as others here, but to us every little decline is a heartbreaking experience & the people here understand that. So I hope you don't mind if I join your pity party!
Wow...it does all of us so much good just to put it in writing about how we are upset or feel like we are at the end of the rope. Everyone here understand. I am with you others that know there are many so much worse and our problems may seem minor to them...but, at the time they are major to us. I look back now to a couple of years ago and the problems were smaller compared to now, but they made me feel the same then as the more major problems make me feel today. Like where is the end of this tunnel? My dh would not have said one word today if I hadn't said something to him. This is a man that couldn't stop talking. I just feel like there is something hanging over me...and it may drop any minute and I won't know how to hold on any longer. What would we all do if we didn't have each other and the understanding that comes from this wonderful blog.
flo39 - so not feel guilty for what you said to your daughter. AND do not feel bad if she does not call you tomorrow. AND do not minimize your pain by comparing to others. We each are different and what bothers some more may not bother others at all. I can identify with you regarding your daughter. I had forgotten how draining my daughter is until I finally had enough. I am not proud of the way I got to her but by using her profane language was the only way to stop her assaults. The last few weeks have been heavenly without her verbal assaults. I found out via DIL that she left the abusive boyfriend and moved back with her son's dad who was also abusive to her - one lions den to another. But, I feel nothing good or bad about it. For my grandson maybe his dad will take an interest in getting him much needed dental and medical care, clothes and into school. For her, I don't care. Much to her dismay she is not the center of my world, not even on the outside anymore.
You did what you had to with your daughter. don't back down and don't let her drain your energy anymore. Your husband needs you and you need to eliminate the stress.
flo39, I've been having a pity party too and I'm usually upbeat and can handle things pretty well. This last week, though, I've been so weepy that I thought I must be sick or have an infection so I went to the doctor. There was nothing wrong so I must be grieving. We do this, you know, every time there's a noticeable decline. There's been another decline lately and several things have happened that made me know that I have to watch him every minute. It seems there's something new every day. I have taken the foaming hand wash out of the bathroom...he thinks it's shaving cream when he gets it on his hands so he puts it all over his face. I have to cut up an apple for him because if I give him a whole one, he eats core and all. Same thing with shrimp if I don't take the tails off, he eats them. Yes, so many here have it much worse but at this stage, It seems the little things drive us crazy.