Tonight after dinner I asked my husband if he had called the 2 people who had left messages about the house for sale. He said he didn't get any messages. We have Vonage, & that puts your messages through an email. They go to both of our computers, we have a network set up. I told him, o.k., come upstairs, we can look on your computer. He had obviously looked at the messages, because they were not black, as in looked at. He started screaming, you are just trying to make me look stupid, you are trying to make me look like an idiot, why don't you help me? All you have to do is write down when I get a message & tell me to call. I told him I assumed he had heard the messages. I told him all I did was ask if he had gotten back to the people who had left the messages. After all, it is he, not I who wants this house sold. Now he wants me to handle it. I am berated for nothing at all. Whatever I slipped him, (Not telling) didn't work because he was balistic.
To the woman whose husband wanted to give a lecture in CA? and she suggested taping it, have you ever seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind?" It is not my exact situation, but I can certainly relate.
He is so bad off, he can't even make note of the messages about the house he so desperately wants to sell, & wants me to take the messages & get back to the people. This is WAY too much stress. To be yelled at. I wouldn't tolerate that from anyone, much less my husband. If anyone raises their voice to me, I always say, when you have calmed down, I will be happy to have a discussion with you. I can't get away from him. He acted like I was the enemy trying to do something to him.
Since I have not handled all of my stress these last few weeks too well, I probably shouldn't be giving advice, but here goes.
Here is what I have been told (and actually came to realize myself) about all of the verbal abuse heaped on me over the driving. They are scared. They know they are losing ground, and they are fighting tooth and nail to hold onto what they think they still have. It just so happens that we are in the line of fire. And we get ALL of it. If words were bullets, we'd be dead, but they are not, so we just get bombarded again and again and again.
Eventually, it will stop, and we can only hope we haven't dropped dead of a heart attack or stroke, so we are here when they do finally stop it.
Val, My DH had problems writing down numbers from phone messages (it’s hard enough without AD) and dialing numbers for a while before I knew there were problems. He now uses his cell phone for the few calls he initiates because the numbers are saved there. If you think about the short term memory involved in dialing a number (remembering the last digit you dialed, which is the next, etc.) it makes sense to me.
Don’t know if any of that is related to your DH’s problems or not. But think of the steps necessary to return those calls for someone with problems, even assuming you wanted to make the calls and knew what you wanted to do about them.
Your comments calmed me down, thanks. Very much. I know on some level he must be afraid, but it is terrible to be the one he "kicks' because of it. I have a lot of empathy, but when does the empathy become superseded by self protection (not physical, but emotional.?) Am I going to have to become numb?
Yes it is hard to be the one the anger is directed at, I understand how you feel. At the neuro monday Lynn yelled at me for nothing in front of the doc. He calmly spoke to Lynn and later asked why he yelled at me. His answer was so simple, it about broke my heart... "cause I know she loves me" I think it is many things, like that part of the brain that controls behavior is being effected by the AD, but I think too, it IS because they feel secure in the love. I have always heard the one closest to them and other ill patients get the brunt of everything. I don't know, as much as it hurts me, it is also an honor in a way... he feels secure enough in our love to show his fears.
Lynn is well beyond even being able to dial a phone, so I don't have these particular worries anymore, but I remember the stages well, my heart goes out to you. Nikki
Val: Been there, done that. Now my DH makes very few phone calls because he gets really confused on the phone and can't remember what was said. But, a couple of months ago if I suggested I make the calls or why didn't he remember the message he threw a fit just like your husband. He seems to be accepting his limitations much better then a couple of months ago, yet he says I don't think I have AD that bad. I always agree with him and tell him he probably is right. Last week it was nothing for the entire week but verbal abuse for me...the last two days great like he is a different person. However, this evening I am beginning to see this "look" on his face and I am sure we will be back to the verbal abuse. Also, he claims not to know that he has been abusive. Sorry to say, but this is just part of it...the living hell.
Maybe it is an individual thing? I said that because even prior to AD, Lynn was able to express things to me, he couldn't to anyone else. It wasn't all sugar plumbs and fairy dust.... he had yelled at me before AD lol. I think security to be yourself must play a part in it, or why wouldn't they behave that way to everyone? I know this may sound odd, but I DO consider it an honor to be there for Lynn, in any outlet I can. (not physical abuse of course!) I am an annoying person that way. I always try to imagine what hell he must have been in, knowing he had AD, then later, wondering if he was going mad, etc etc.... care giving IS HARD, but being the victim is hardly easy. I also believe in karma lol So what comes around goes around.... hope if I am ever this way someone will treat me with the same compassion I try to show him. Sappy huh? Its a charachter flaw
I know what you mean, Nikki. Your husband has always entrusted you with his deepest feelings, feelings that he won't show anyone else. That is part of why your relationship has been so close, and why you love him so much. It is very sad that he is now sick, and scared about what is happening to him, and can't control the way he expresses himself to you as well as he did before. If you can handle it, understand where it's coming from, more power to you.
Well i guess maybe i am sappy then so. when i get really fustrated, i sometimes think when his fight is over and hes 'whole' again, he will see how much i loved him thru all i had to sacrifice for him..and not how badly i behaved at times. hows THAT looneybins for rationalizing??? ha. and i believe what goes round, as well.. divvi
LOL I don't think that is looneybins at all, I find it endearing in fact. A very kind heart you have divvi. Thank you sunshyne, I always find your post helpful and uplifting, something I am in need of these days.
Nikki, Divvi, Some one shared this prayer with me. It sort of says how our LO may feel. It helps me when I am starting to feel overwhelmed. I have said that how I take care of my husband is about me to some extent.. I want to do the right thing...
I NEED YOU DO NOT ASK ME TO REMEMBER, DO NOT TRY TO MAKE ME UNDERSTAND, LET ME REST AND KNOW YOU'RE WITH ME, KISS MY CHEEK AND HOLD MY HAND, IM CONFUSED BEYOND YOUR CONCEPT, I AM SAD AND SICK AND LOST. ALL I KNOW IS THAT I NEED YOU, TO BE WITH ME AT ALL COST, DO NOT LOSE YOUR PATIENCE WITH ME, DO NOT SCOLD OR CURSE OR CRY. I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I'M ACTING, CAN'T BE DIFFERENT, THOUGH I TRY. JUST REMEMBER THAT I NEED YOU, THAT THE BEST OF ME IS GONE, PLEASE DON'T FAIL TO STAND BESIDE ME!!! LOVE ME TILL MY LIFE IS DONE.
This roller coaster effect is normal for the course, I guess from all everyone has written. The last couple of days have been pretty bad... public tantrums, car accident, Dr. appointments which made home life head South in a hurry, and of course, I lost it also after listening to too much. After all this, we had a appt. with his Cardio Dr. who is a terrific person. I had phoned ahead to let them know of the DX, but he asked what was new in my DH's life and how he felt. Nothing new and I feel fine! His new CID checked out perfectly and is good to go for years to come..thank you very much. I had very mixed emotions over that one...too bad it can't be programed down the road when his life is horrible. As we left the office, his Dr. all but hugged me and gave me "the look" his other Dr. had earlier in the week. He is very fond of my DH, and did quietly say "This sucks" as we left. Can't help but agree.
Oh Kathi, it is so hard isn't it. I am so glad you have a such a wonderful doctor, it can make all the difference.Wishing you strength.
Anita, I can't thank you enough for the poem. I printed it and am going to put it where I can look at it in times of need. Very moving, that you for sharing it. "I have said that how I take care of my husband is about me to some extent.. I want to do the right thing" well said, and I too feel the same way.
Anita41,thank you for this prayer, right to the point and so sad but true. My husband sometimes says to me, I don't know but something is not right, I'm so confused. He is in stage 6. The psychiatrist put him on Namenda three months ago and he seems to do a lot better with the cocktail of Aricept and Namenda, then with Aricept alone. I enjoy the reprieve for as long as it lasts.
Being hard of hearing, my DH and I had many discussions over the years about that. I grew up around people (heard well then) that had the same problem so am able to understand both sides. One time during one of our discussions I looked at him and said "it is just as hard to be hard of hearing as it is to live with someone who is hard of hearing". That was an eye-opener for him.
Using the same analogy, it truly is just as hard to be the person with AD as it is to care for the person with AD.
My DD and the kids went out to eat the other day. A man came in, and passed out right in front of us. It turned out to be a diabetic episode, and we helped get him up and on a bench while the ambulance came. He was horribly embarrassed and kept telling his wife he didn't want to go to the hospital. She was scared senseless and insisting he go.
Since I have diabetes, I could relate. I also don't want any hospital visits, and protest them vigorously. As we left, I gave the guy my best wishes and told him I hoped he felt better. My DD walked over to the WIFE, patted her hand, and said, "My dad knows what it's like to be in your husband's place, but I know what it's like to be in YOUR place. And you definitely have the harder part of the deal!!! Hang in there with him."
Caregivers suffer twice, I think. Once for the person, but also for themselves.
nikki, I'm very glad you liked the poem...perhaps it will help you in difficult times. You sound very, very loving but all of us face trying times with this disease.
divvi, I don't think that's "looneybins", I think that's exactly what is going to happen. You amaze me with your ability to figure out what's going on inside your husband, and how to help him. The two of you obviously have very close ties that will last through this and beyond.
VAL this is the same thing I go thru with my DH. He moved out of our bedroom in Jan. but he acts like everything is ok. He sometimes is able to conduct household business like the old days but then for a couple of weeks he is in la-la land and I am his worse enemy. Everything I say and do is wrong. That is why I stopped trying to explain his behavior to other people. He can sometimes hold it together so good that they think I am telling fibs on him!!!!!!!!!! I just take one day at a time. I do keep a calender and put a up arrow on good days and a down arrow on bad days. He does not even realize the arrows are on the calender but it helps me look for patterns and report to the doctor.
Sunshyne, thanks for your 'scientific' validation, its nice to think that could be the way it works. we were soulmates from day one, but when you live with someone who is ill, 24/7hr day in/out, you can actually begin to feel how closely your intuitions become. again, psychoanalytically thinking here again, ''symbiosis'..comes to mind, a joining of two bodies and souls into one for the duration of his affliction (and mine)- like siamese twins ---because of this,my fears of how i will cope afterwards are great indeed- needless to say. divvi
I am sitting here trying to decide what was worse..... the stage where the major AD signs came and went.... or the time that came later, when it was clear to even a stranger that he had it..............
Part of me wants to say it was harder before, when it came and went... one day a princess, the next a punching bag. One day you still believed in hopes and dreams, and happily ever after... the next it is taken brutal from you... the cycle was so painful.
But, then too... is the time when every hope is smashed forever. No more happy times, it is all the devestation.... can one really get use to it?
But then too, I DO treasure our todays, as I know our tomorrows will only get worse.
Nikki, I think many of us feel it's harder in the earlier stages. We yo-yo from believing they're fine and we're crazy, to desperate fear for their futures. In some ways, it is indeed easier when there simply isn't any question any more how sick our loved ones are.
But I would point out that our tomorrows don't always get worse. You went through the misery of being an emotional punching bag for your beloved husband, but now you've found a med that has that under control. If your doctors hadn't known what was wrong with your husband, he might not have been given that prescription ... and you might not have understood what was going on.
And sometimes, even when our loved ones are in the really late stages, they can still have moments of clarity. My mother did that, spent an entire afternoon reminiscing with me about some of the really fun times we'd had long ago ... after having been in a stage where she didn't recognize anyone and couldn't communicate clearly for many months.
WOW I didn't know that could happen sunshyne. Haven't read that in any of the books, and another reason I think this sight is of so much value. You are of course correct, I do have part of Lynn back... part I thought to never see again!! It has been such a true blessing and I am treasuring every single moment! It took me over a year and 9 TIA strokes to get him this help, I fought every step of the way, so yes... for now i will enjoy this gift and try not to ponder too much on the tomorrows.