I would guess most people have had these thoughts on who would take care of your spouse, but did you come to any real decision?. And have to talked with others about your decisions? Have you thought of all the other things like disposing of their property that they might have in their name only. Who would sell the house and maybe the cars. Who would pick the care facility and how would they pay for it? Who knows the sources of your income and where they might be deposited and/or can they be withdrawn by whoever takes charge?
Wow...this makes me dizzy and very concerned. I am not sure I have covered all the bases I need to. Like the name and phone numbers of the doctors he sees. Where I get his meds from. Who would take care of him until he could be placed. His kids are 2,000 miles from here and my kids have to work. Is there some place you get a list of the things that need to be spelled out before this happens?
JudithKB, I worked on this for months and finally here is what I did. DH has one son, a neurologist and wife; I have one sister. That is our entire family. His son lives 1000 miles away; my sister lives 600 mi. DH's Will names me executrix and if I am unable to serve, then his son. My Will names my sister, then her husband. I gave his son and my sister (I do trust them), a copy of all my computer passwords,on line banking, bank accounts, direct deposits, automatic payments etc., life insurance info, IRA; gave them a printout of medications, doctors, where things are in the house; phone numbers of local home health agencies in case they should need them if something happened to me before they could get here; added my sister on our bank account as a signer only. And many, many more things! They were both flabbergasted that I had pulled all of this together. It was a major chore, but I had no choice. There's no one nearby to depend on. His son asked what he should do before he can get here as far as someone to take care of DH. I told him to call my "handy-man". He would be here in a flash and has told me he would take care of him. Plus, he knows all about the house and what to do for any breakdowns, or emergencies and has housekeys. His son is second to me as far as Living Will; and my sister is mine. I had to do all of this re-arranging after my son died.
I'm not sure if I covered everything - but I think I did as much as I can do. Just hope and pray I don't die first.
I am probably going to talk to a care manager - but for her to do an assessment is almost $1,000. And really, things are always changing with DH's health -- so not sure how viable a plan would be unless it is constantly updated.
Vickie, thanks for sharing. I need to get working on those kinds of things too. Do not trust his daughter - they're pretty much estranged - but mine are both trustworthy.
It is a lot of work, but one day at a time ...
I would want DH to stay in the house, with the dogs and all the things that make him feel comfortable and secure. He would require aides 24/7 and then a care manager, so that would get expensive. The alternative is a skilled nursing facility. My younger daughter would have power of attorney and is the trustee of our trust if I die, so she would make a lot of decisions. His daughter would probably make trouble, once she smells the possibility of getting his money. Sad.
Our daughter has all the information she would need to take over DH's care if something happens to me.she keeps up on all our Dr. app'ts and banking info. She is willing to do this,I do not think our son would do what's best,he is too self centered.Our daughter would also take over the responsibility of the older woman I aam guardian of.Our oldest granddaughter has also said sshe would take over care for either of us.She is so upset over her darling "Pappy" having this horrible disease.
Jeff is fortunate in that he has maintained closeness with his siblings for a lifetime. Our 4 children are young adults (20-25,) and would technically inherit the responsibility, but I know that Jeff's sister and one of his brothers would step in and provide wisdom, guidance, and hands-on.
Judith, this is a good topic that all of us need to think about and prepare. DH has 2 brothers who have abandoned him since his dx in 2008 so I know neither would be responsible for him unless there was some money in it for them. My sister has been wnderful and has agreed to oversee his needs on an interim basis should I die. I have given her much of the information but not all, so this is a great reminder to finish those documents. I hired a care manager for DH in 2008 and we see her periodically. We have designated her as the person to help DH should an emergency occur (me hurt or dead) because she is about 1/2 hour away and my sister is 2.5 hours away.
Since we're on this topic, it is important for any one who has an IRA with a financial firm (such as Fidelity) to fill out the firms forms for access to the spouse's account because they will NOT accept a DPOA for account access.
We have our oldest son as executor of our estate that includes investments we have now should I become incapacitated. This was a legal document sent by the investment firm which we signed and had notarized. He is listed on dh's IRAs after me because a trust cannot own IRAs all else is in our trust. Our other son's name is on our safe deposit box because he lives in the same town. Our funeral arrangements are in our trust book. We will be buried in another state. With all this I'm sure we haven't covered everything that might come up, but we've sure tried. We have a capable and willing DIL who will help if asked. She handled all her mother's estate recently and knows about little things that come up trying to get all settled. In case I can't take care of dh and our children think he should be placed even if I don't I've told them about the ALF in our town that has a az wing and that is where I want him to be placed. I'm still very capable of making decisions and they won't interfere but who knows at my age when I might think I am and they know I'm not. DH thinks he can make decisions now and he certainly can't. Our sons are trustworthy - dtr certainly isn't - but thank goodness for our sons and dil.
Once again, I'll share what I did in case it helps anyone:
When my husband was barely able to sign his name, I took my husband to the bank and closed out all his CDs and IRAs while he could still sign his name, then placed the money into a savings account in my name. The house is in my name. His car was in both our names with "or" and my car is in my name. One bank account where his SS was deposited still had his name on it. (In order to get the checks , you have to) I added "payable on death" to our daughter to all accounts.
I took out a separate life insurance policy that would take care of my husband should anything happen to me. He would have had to be placed in a nursing home where one of them lived, because all of my children work and live at least 8 hours drive away from here as well.
My co-worker at my office has the Durable POAs, Wills, and letters to my children, so that should anything happen to me, she would have called them all and hand over the paperwork to them when they arrived.
Vickie, I have met someone more organized than me! I think you have taken care of all contingencies! Flo, you have done well too! LFL, good going too!
I just met with and hired an Elder Care practice to do all that "stuff". Pricey but I am using money from a savings account that is in his name only to cover it. After all, it is for his good and will assist us in spending down. (Which we don't need to do much of since we don't have much to begin with.) They have the lawyer I met with, a Medicare specialist, a long term care specialist, someone who just handles the VA stuff.....etc. Might just be the best purchase I ever made. He, also, does not have any family so my son and daughter will be his decision makers if I precede him to the arms of my Lord. But, just for the record, my family lives up into their 90's with great health. That is MY plan :-)