Tomorrow's Blog (10/3/07) addresses the issue of the effect AD has on an already unhappy marriage. It was inspired by so many e-mails I have received from spouses who hesitate to bring up the subject on the Message Boards because most of us discuss the effect the disease has had on a relationship that was loving and satisfying before AD. I want to give a voice to those who are struggling with AD and in a relationship that was poor before AD.
I will take the plunge and be the first to respond as it is something I have thought about a lot. My marriage has certainly had many ups and downs and there were many times that I considered getting out. I could have done so and supported myself quite well but I didn't do it for many reasons. My husband always considered ours to be a good marriage. He was raised in a family where the mother was a slave to her children and her husband and where there was little overt affection. He did not see it that way and to this day maintains his family was wonderful. Divorce would have been unthinkable and I don't think he could have coped with the "shame" it would have brought. Things have been much better, thankfully, since I retired from a very emtionally draining job. My husband has also mellowed over the years and the things that bugged him so much, for example me having fun with girlfriends and getting away for a few days with them no longer bug him. Unfortunately that has come a bit late as I can no longer leave him overnight. I have a girlfriend who left her husband when he became ill with AD and very nasty. Whereas I can understand that, I could never see myself doing that. Do I have resentment and sometimes wish I had carried through and left him? Of course I do but it does not have a whole lot to do with AD but rather that ours was not exactly a marriage made in heaven!
Inge, I will join you in the plunge. I have always loved Gord and he has always loved me.....but, Gord was an only child brought up to "think of number one." Sadly, his mom and dad meant that as thinking of your family but I guess as an only child, seeing that the world revolved around him, he thought it meant him. Had I been a person with self confidence, I would have demanded equal rights in our marriage but as I have said before on this forum, I did not think that I would ever find anyone else to love me so I did everything the way he wanted. I remember bringing our first son home from the hospital and being so afraid that he would make dinner late or cry through dinner. There is a long, long list of things I would do differently if only I had the chance. I, too, have a lot of resentment but I still love Gord and it would never occur to me to do anything other than look after him until the end.
Many of you will remember from my posts on the old board about my marriage being turbulent at different times, my resentments festering at times when events bring back bad memories, loss of my dreams for retirement, and my kids (15 and 17) not having a father they are proud of, or comfortable having their friends around, and missing out on a big part of their childhoods. Is this because of AD? NO! However AD makes it all far more difficult to deal with.
A refresher: We are a MayDecember marriage, over 20 years between us, we blended families and became a His, Mine, and Ours. We also had his ex-wife controlling our home the first 10 years. DH feared loss of his daughters affection to her step dad. So we all had to revolve around whatever was going on with his daughter. I resented her presence, what it represented to the rest of us. (She's now almost 25 and we both have a great respect for each other~a good relationship). DH came from a family of 8 boys, no girls. Father was a jerk, and Mother~~~well, I don't know. DH speaks very fondly of her, but says his Dad was not good to her. DH comes from a long line of alcohol abusers. Alcohol was the centerpoint of our marriage and family life for 10 years. It was at every event, every day. But, I didn't have the backbone to get out. I was pregnant with our first of two, and we owed back a loan to my Dad. I also felt that he controlled the money and was a strong, spiteful person who would make my life miserable. I wrongly believed he stood a better chance of getting primary custody of the baby ~ purely because he had more money. DH also treated MY young son very badly, demeaning him all the time. (Now he wonders why HIS older, first born son used drugs from his teens on, and died of an overdose at the age of 40).
After 10 years I asked for separation, he blew up, we had our only physical abuse incident and he was ordered by police to leave the home. He promptly went to rehab., begged and begged for forgiveness, and after a few months, with two small kids I believed he deserved a chance. Only since he was alcohol-free. Even I wanted to know what he'd be like sober. He was actually quite a good guy. I fell back in love with the "Real DH" and for over 4 years I was very happy that I decided to keep the marriage together. Then Mr. Alzheimer's moved in with us. Minus the alcohol, his behavior, habits, and mental status are sick reminders of those 10 unhappy years. And we have been dealing with AD now for 4-5 years. This is like a really sick joke.
Before AD, even knowing our future wouldn't be real long because of the age difference I still believed we would have the few care free years to enjoy each other. Have all our kids raised, and maybe even enjoy some Grandchildren. (I have one. Saw her after she was born, and for her first birthday. I can't travel to see her anymore. They are a military family so not real flexible to come visit me). So yeah, I regret not proceeding with the divorce all those years ago when we separated. Because then there would likely be another wife dealing with it. My kids would be somewhat removed from it (have visits, but not immersed in AD 24/7), I might be married to a man much younger than DH that would have been a good father figure for my kids, had the ability to do things with us all as a family. Or, I might just be very happily single.
I still cherish those 4 years I got to spend with the "Real DH." Learning how much he really loved me and the kids, our home life distancing a bit from his ex-wife, his daughter then 14 not wanting to be told when she had to visit (so she basically decided not to hang out with us anymore). I really felt we were a great success story, tighter than ever, and were truly admired by so many extended family and friends for making it through the fire. I really hate the fact that AD has taken DH away from me and the kids, just as alcohol had kept him away from us for so many years. I can't help but think I wouldn't be feeling the guilt of even writing this if I hadn't reconciled. My kids would be better off. And I wouldn't be dealing with this if I were an ex-wife. But, the bottom line is that I have strong morals that would never allow me to abandon my husband when he is ill. And it is an important thing for me to teach my kids that you do not bale when the going gets tough.
I thought I might revisit this and that there might be some lurkers that might be in this situation.
As some here might remember I had to move to an appartment when my DH behaviour became so aggressive that I was afraid for my safety. But also I was in a winding down marriage before this all happened. I still check on him regularly and have DVA Department of Veterans Affairs here in Canada involved with his care. They are setting him up on a VIP medical plan where all his medical needs and living needs will be looked after. They will make the arrangement to place him in assisted living when the time comes. I will always makes sure he has good care but if he hadn't gotten ill I would have moved on by now.
As for me....no I haven't gone out with another man at this time I think I am just catching my breath and getting my bearings back. Will I go out if opportunity knocks....now after 9 months I would say yes.
Its been Almost three months since I took DH across country to live with his daughter.He is doing well with her and her husband. He requires constant company and care but so far he has not been angry or aggressive with them. I think he is forgetting me.Perhaps he remembers me as his caregiver rather than his wife, but that was essentially our real relationship.After managing seven years without antidepressants, I am now taking them as I went into a depression. The medication is helping and I am trying to establish a new life.
Its not easy. I dont have family. Friends are supportive but many are couples and also they had drifted away during the last seven years.
All this to say that AD is a lose lose situation. It destroys the victim, the spouse, the marriage. There is never a good or right answer and whatever we do it is difficult.Im alone now and dont have the responsibility of caregiving or the fear of abuse but AD is still with me.It has changed who I am.I can only pray that we will all find some level of peace.
Anna-I suspect it would have been easier on you if your husband had been mean and agressive with his family. That would have validated what you had been going through.
I really hope that he will do well with his daughter as she will not look after him if he is difficult.If he goes into a residence he will become difficult and will be medicated.I think the fact that he is in her home where he has never had any responsibility and is not familiar with things makes a difference. Then too, she and her husband share the caregiving.Well, who knows why.I know its better for both of us that he is there.His sons have witnessed the anger directed toward me and they agree with his living with his daughter.It just takes time to adjust to this new life.Im grateful I had this site to come to.
Anna, do come back. We worry about you. This site is about caregiving, but it is also about the caregiver, both during caregiving and after it stops.
There are others here who are also trying to rebuild their lives once their LOs were placed. In many ways, his going to live with his daughter is placement.
As for him doing better there than in your house, my experience with my husband is that he relates to authority differently than he relates to me. Your daughter's husband is the alpha male in that house and he just might be behaving himself because there is another, stronger, younger alpha male around.
Anna, I am so glad that it is working out so far for you husband. After all of those years, it sounds like you are finally getting to concentrate and take care of you - depression and all of that.
When you are ready, you will start rebuilding your life, doing things that interest you. One of the things that I did when I put my husband in the facility was kind of silly but it really helped me a lot. We had (notice past tense here), his and her closets. I cleaned out his (yes, saved clothes he might use) and rearranged mine so that the closet became my space. I also cleaned out his dresser and had wonderful space for my sweaters and all kinds of other stuff that were stuffed in various other spaces. He had always complained about all of my clothes. I found 60 golf shirts, 40 sweaters and more socks than he will ever use. At that point, I realized that he had never really had anything to complain about on my clothing choices. The other thing I did that also helped a lot was do a bit of furniture rearranging and add in some decorative touches that I really liked but hadn't put in because they weren't right for him and us.
I have continued to go through things as I am ready and it has actually been very healing. Some things were so disorganized that I was swearing in my head at him - it also made me realize that he was probably hiding some of the affects of the disease for quite a while before anyone really noticed it. Other things that he had kept over the years were so sweet and made me cry. The best part was that some of the things that I found helped me to remember what a wonderful person he was to me over the years and how much I had enjoyed our relationship.
I have also started to pursue some of the things that I truly enjoy doing and making a point to go out to lunch with friends or dinner with some of my single friends. I found a church that I really enjoy going to and don't feel uncomfortable being an unattached female there at all. You may find as you start approaching people and doing things that a some of your life will fall back into place for you.
Anna, it was good to hear from you again. I had been wondering how things were working out for you and your husband. It sounds as though he has settled in with his daughter and it's now time to concentrate on you. You went through a rough time and it will take some time for you to heal. Allow yourself that time and when you are ready you will find that there will be things you will enjoy. All the best to you and keep in touch.
therrja, the things you mentioned really are healing therapy. My SIL did some of those same things after her DH passed away. He died in their bedroom so she completely redecorated that room. She didn't want it to continue looking like his dying place but instead wanted it as a comforting restful place for her.