I wonder sometimes if I'm just plain lazy. Dh has always done all the outside work. He loves the outdoors. If I go out once that's enough for me. I love my sewing room and having a clean house - that's been the roles we've played for all these 60 years. Now dh doesn't see the needs all around these 5 acres and I don't have interest in mowing and trimming and weeding his many flower beds and they are looking terrible. I don't have any patience today and have caused him to rage and hit tables and walls with his fist while spewing expletives that he ordinarily would never have used. He was a gentle, faith based gentleman. He was so cool when he didn't like what was going on I've heard him really get his point across and never raise his voice but whoever was on the receiving end knew without doubt what he meant. I on the other hand wasn't cool at all!! I can honestly say we never had loud disagreements. Our daughter told me last week she never remembered us having an argument. Now we didn't always agree that's for sure but shouting wasn't our style he or I just walked away and later we'd come to some kind of mutual agreement. Does that sound ideal? Well, our life was really good. Today is awful. I talked to our pcp yesterday asking his advise on how to approach selling the 5th wheel and the fact of dh never driving again. This was helpful and we'll go next week for regular appt. for dh and pcp said he'd tell him driving was not a good thing for him. I'm thinking of hiring some yard help if I can afford it at all. Our son is coming tomorrow to take his dad to lunch - I'm going to an az support meeting at the local ALF. Haven't been there to one I think this is for relatives of those who are in the "lantern" wing that is for az folks so they may be lots younger than I. This is rambling and doesn't mean much but I just needed to get this out. This is the first day I've gone out to the back of the yard and cried for what can never be again. How do I accept this???? My love is gone and sometimes I don't like this man who is here now. Then I feel mean because he didn't choose this disease and would he feel the same if it were me. No I think he'd take care of me and never complain. Thanks, dear Joan for having this forum where I can get all this out.
my dear Flo the emotions you mention are all true feelings and sharing them is the first step to healing. Venting allows you to examine what today holds for you and allows the pressure cooker to relieve itself. By venting here, where others know these feelings is better than venting at your loved one one does not understand the why of this illness and probably cannot help to release the pressure. If anything it will just cause more stress between you two and neither of you need any more stress than what this illness gives. This journey is very difficult and do not be afraid of coming here to vent. All the spouses that are here have either been there or are getting there. Life is about the choices we make and we just do the best we can with the life we are given. Every one's life is different so what you feel can be shared by all who are here and they can individually respond and by doing so give you a good cross feed of life. God will bless you with everything you need to make this tough journey, you just need to believe and trust in Him.
Sadly it’s like everything else – you just have to accept that it isn’t going to be the way it was, and make whatever adjustment is necessary. Maybe it’s time to downsize, to a smaller yard or even a townhome. Or maybe you could hire some neighborhood teenagers to help…. We’ve always lived in the suburbs where a 1/3 acre lot is considered large. I can’t imagine maintaining 5 acres!
I hope you can get your DH's rages under control - we had 2 years of that - and it was awful! I can still remember walking around on egg shells, the tightness in my stomach that never went away, always waiting for the next explosion. (((HUGS)))
flo venting is always a good thing when its going to help us cope. you should be explicit with your pcp about the driving issues and ask him to be more direct in his approach so there is no alternative reasonings. and tell him about the raging and fists. its not a good thing to let this escalate, and it usually does without medication. please learn from those who have gone before you, you cant turn a blind eye to raging. i do sympathize with losing your husband who will never return. its a fact however hard to imagine. if you can sell the 5th wheel, *can you ask son to intervene and help to sell?// then you can use the extra cash to maintain a bit of yardwork. or extra help with DH! and get yourself a bit of respite. its does hit like a nuclear bomb that we are indeed on our own now with just about everything. i hope your day is better since you let it out. divvi
awwww Flo, if it means something to you, it has great value and means something to us. It is all so overwhelming isn't it..... I like Bruce's analogy of the pressure cooker. I still need to vent after all these years to keep myself from completely losing it. It is good to get the poison out and I believe crying is also healing.
Local churches and organizations like the Masons often volunteer to do yard work for those who need some help. Couldn't hurt to call around. I hope all goes well at the doctors and that your DH doesn't get too upset. Will be thinking of you ((hugs))
oh Flo, I do know how you feel..I actually thought I hate you..it is so hard for me to remember he is not the disease, and he certainly did not ask for it. But this safe place to vent has been such a help to me..its ok to let it out, in fact much healthier..
about the yard, if you have the mower and can put gas in it, see if a young neighbor would be willing to mow every so often..flower beds, well can you cultivate the wild and windblown look? If your area has an online community forum (we have some like Go Upstate or Go (fill in town name) and it is free to post a mower needed ad..also call the people Nikki said or the senior citizen center to see if they have a list of volunteers..if you can just keep it mowed, and semi neat, I would not try and maintain the ordered manicured look he had..just another pressure you dont need..
Like Mary, the lot here is 1/3 acre which is pretty large for the area. The previous owner was either a landscape architect or had a landscape business. I remember how the booklet when the house was for sale featured photos of the landscaping.
Even during the best of years, we spent more on services than on stuff. So, we were able to keep up the grounds for several years. They are nothing I can take credit for, but were beautiful with different deck levels and sitting areas. Once the sprinkler zones failed (failed!) I knew the decline was coming.
I still go out there to feed the birds and sit on the remaining bench adjacent to the pond that once had a waterfall, fish, and frogs. To see what it looks like now sometimes makes me want to vomit. We moved here from a townhouse so there is no equipment or tools on hand. The service was always someone in a truck who had all that and brought soil and plants and carted off all the waste.
It is sad, very sad.
flo, I don't think you are lazy. I am more than lazy. Posters here know much more than I do; I don't call it acceptance, I call it resignation.
Flo,all I can add is that I completely understand. I'm trying to do better at asking for help and hiring help.When DH was at home I couldn't hire anyone or have anyone do 'his' work. It just made things worse. Even so, some things are beyond all comprehension and there are times, even for those who don't cry often, that the tears and hurt just have to come out. Bless you.
Thanks to all who answered my "whine" from yesterday. Dh did finally mow the yard. I looked out the front and he was mowing with the wagon still attached to the mower! Around and around the front yard he went! I went out and asked why he had the wagon on and he told me he had been yelling for me to come unhook it. Oh gosh just another sign (large sign) of his illness. There are two large fields one in back one in front and for some reason he loves to mow them. We used to raise horses - the reason for the fields/pastures. He will mow those but the fenced in yards by the house he doesn't like for some reason. He left part of the back yard yesterday and I got to him before the mower was put up and asked him to mow there. We have a lawn tractor that is very old and he wants to buy a new one. I hesitate to get it because I don't think he could learn to start a new one. He even gets mixed up on starting this old one. It is quite expensive but I may get it because I can see I will have to mow maybe even before this growing season is over. I'm capable of mowing- just isn't what I want to do. I did most of the mowing when I only worked part time and dh was in a project that required travel and lots of hours at work. Of course that was years ago and the horses were "mowing" the pastures. Where we live mowing is almost a year round adventure. We also have a beautiful water garden it is quite nice when kept up. Our son does dry stack rock work and built part of it there is a water fall and creek and all kinds of rocks. It was dh's pride but now looks pretty ratty. There are too many koi they keep multiplying ! Anyway - sorry for all the whinning yesterday I'm better today. Hope the az support meeting is helpful but I fear it will be children of residents at the ALF and not spouses.
Just thought I'd tell about the az support meeting. The lunch was good - I didn't have to fix it. That was about the highlight as I'd suspected it would be. The woman who was in charge is the activities director at the ALF where the meeting was held. Her mother has az - she doesn't live with her as the father is still living and taking care of the mother. One attendee does live with her mother who has az. The other couple, man and his wife who has az. Wife kept saying she wished she hadn't come because everyone was talking like she wasn't there. Older couple married 67 years. Wife still takes her own meds and plays Rook. I gave the man this web site and told him I thought he would like to read on it. As support for me there wasn't nearly as much as I've learned here at Joan's. So thankful once again for this forum as I've learned so much.
I think mixing together spouses with their LO limits the usefulness of the support meeting. I image the caregivers probably don't say things which might upset their spouses.
paulc, so true! Last month I went to one of those meetings at the urging of the facilitator. She assured me that other caregivers brought their LO's. I wasn't sure it would be the right fit for me (us) & I was right. Even though my DH really didn't understand what the meeting was about, I wasn't comfortable with him there. I realized then that a support group was for ME not US. Then of course there was the one person who seemed to do all the talking (& I don't mean the facilitator) I understand that she probably needed to talk it out, but she really took a lot of time from the meeting. Then as flo39 thought, this meeting I attended was made up mostly of adult children whose parents have AD. The facilitator did a good job of pointing out that spouses have different issues that children, but like I said it just wasn't the meeting for me. I agree flo39, I am so thankful for this support group!
flo39 - find a dealer or someone that sells on consignment that way the 5th wheel will be out of site. You can tell a fiblet that it needs to go in for repairs. Or, if you don't want to do through consignment, is there someone that will let you park it in their yard with a for sale sign? When we sell cars or RVs by ourselves we always go to the DMV with them or at the very least drop off the information that is was sold and to who immediately.
As for you yard, have you considered contacting 4H or FFA at the high school? You say it is partly fenced for horses so maybe there is some child that could need a place to pasture their 4H or FFA project. Sheep or goats will do a great job on keeping grass down.
ElainH. Do comment your observations to the facilitator. It is their job to ensure that no one dominates the session. My father-in-law went to a support group and was annoyed that this very thing happened. Plus his situation was so different than the others, he is dealing with a daughter with dementia while the other people were dealing with spouses and were elderly. So he didn't return.
I am lucky that I attend a group for early onset dementia caretakers (spouses and children and siblings) so there are people with situations similar to mine. Plus it is in the evening since almost all of us work outside the home. Attending a group made entirely of seniors would probably be less useful.
So, if your face-to-face group isn't helping you, look for another one. Sometimes you have to start it yourself.