Miles to go before I sleep. Numerous scholars say that poem is about the contemplation of suicide. I can see that. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar too. It doesn't matter. You will remember the poem exactly the way you want and I will remember it the way I want and if they're completely different it doesn't matter one bit.
We are the writer, the producer, and the director even when the actors act up and we have problems with the theatre because we don't own it we're just renting. But it's your play and kicking and screaming doesn't change that a whit.
I commend everyone for their courage and I empathise with the hurt and the pain and the real damage. I don't know when or if I tell the psychologist the deeper truth. Parts of life are getting more interesting, not less, because I now can honestly and fully be me. Authorizing your life isn't a phrase. It's a transition you feel inside by whatever route and I can accurately describe my feeling about having a life as very willing. I know that because I came through a suicide thought period I now do comedy about (not here).
The thing we never actually realize in my view is that this experience clinically damages human beings. I think many don't actualize the damage as a thing done to us and not a normal 'us'. What is damage and what is emotion and mourning? I don't know. I do think that along the way we must transition to new meanings we learn to give things and an engagement in those meanings for us in order to return to a balanced state.
I see no chance of that unless I open myself to myself and answer honest questions. Would I be happier if I looked like Brad Pitt? Yes I would. Good, I'm glad we had this little chat.
Hi Wolf--the nugget I'm going to pull out is the part about how the AD-spousing experience clinically damages humans. Do we not realize that? I think we're pretty aware of being damaged, but maybe the problem is we think we should heal to normal, and that's not going to happen.
The more you study humans and their psychological profiles, the clearer it becomes that--really--there is no normal. Some of us don't even make it through the birth canal "normal" for various reasons.
So, Alzheimer-spousing, like so many other things that scratch, scar, and impinge upon whatever one's starting psychological potential might have been, does change our shape. Some damage is not recoverable...most is. But, you will be a different-shaped tree. You will not be the perfect greenhouse specimen of symmetrical perfection. But...keep watering, get sunlight. You can keep photosynthesizing and be something that more or less thrives.
I am glad you are talking to the Psychologist. You are doing well in your journey, but face time can be invaluable in acquiring a clarity not necessarily available when dealing alone or through writing. A good Psychologist can ask the question that may illuminate a whole ‘nother perspective (Another reason different witnesses see the event differently).
You’ve realized “…for the first time in my life as an adult (hee-hee) I am already facing life as me. Whatever happens and whatever doesn’t happen—it’s me, myself, and I.” This was always true. Awareness of it now can give greater perspective on what was but more important, provide greater clarity in making choices and determining actions.
The recovery phase, if completed, will bring us to the point of authorizing our lives. Having experienced the depression/suicide mind and surviving it brings an awareness of choice—for the joyful and weighty responsibility to oneself.
The Dementia experience does indeed damage our emotions and reason, but that damage to our inner selves must heal. That will not bring us back to the way we were. That’s gone. Damage leaves scars. It changes outlook. We have to make and accept changes to our basic meanings and engage in them, If we are to gain a healthy balance in our lives.
I knew I sensed the depressed state you went through. I’m really glad you’re getting the face time with the Psychologist. That is another way to get at the discovery/recovery aspects of healing. It’s important to use every tool you have available. You already knew you are becoming a changed version of Wolf. You, ultimately, determine the Wolf that will be. It’s work,. It can hurt. It can be exhilarating. It can be discouraging at times. There’ll be times you will balk; rail at, even refuse, but there’s ever only 2 choices—fold and wither or pull up those “Big Girl” panties and get it done.
Though I get royally tired in the effort, I am intrigued by how we will be. It’s exciting to see our new lives emerging from what we have been through and are yet going through.
Wolf, Carosi and Emily-you all have such a gift and can put into words what many of us cannot...I view it this way, we all suffer PTSD while caring for a dementia spouse, It's real and takes time to deal with, overcome and create a new "us". Yhank you for your eloquence.
Carol is an example of us not know[ing] what we can do (or maybe she does). If anyone has ever rolled their eyes that I just don't stop writing what I think (no names), I argued ideas with Carol for two years on a daily basis and she is formidable, articulate, focused, and easily my equal at the least.
But the big girl panty thing I'm just not doing and I'm not telling what I did with them (smile).
Thank you, Wolf, for the kind words and for the reminders of the “Big Girl” panties I sent. They made this day a whole lot better. When I sent them, I had racked my mind for a masculine equivalent with the same meaning. There just isn’t one. Knowing how valuable I’ve found special quotations, pictures, and artifacts to be in boosting my morale in dealing with Ron’s VaD, and everything else, I figured a tangible, visual reminder would be a good thing. They could be tucked on a shelf, in a drawer, or stashed subtly in plain sight, but a reminder that you can handle whatever comes at you. I also knew neither Wolf, nor any other of our Gentlemen Caregivers, would have any. So, I went to the store and bought a multi-pack of the largest ones I could find, and sent him a pair. There were 5 pair in the package. I have one pair left. I’ve had some fun adding a bit of levity to some difficult circumstances. Today, what I sent out with those polka-dot panties was returned tenfold getting me through a rough patch. I’ve been chuckling all day.
Thank you for your post on February 19. Sometimes when reading here I get a buzz for lack of a better word. Not shaking, not crying; it's just a feeling like the world has just changed focus.
So I read your post and there was that feeling. I think that for me one of its reasons is that something I am not really comfortable with has been brought to the surface. You referred to the (paraphrase because it is now on the previous screen) time of placement as one of rest and relaxation on the dementia road.
I was screaming inside "I did not have that chance" (H went from home to hospital to rehab to ALF and died from there all in about six weeks.) There were threats, maybe challenges is a better word. "You have 2 hours to choose a rehab","you have 48 hours to arrange placement", etc. So, I learned and know that I have to process this as well as the envy that I sometimes feel.
ps to Wolf. About one third into the cache of my voice mail are several messages my husband left to me during the last few months he was able to work. They're still there. I have no other source of his voice. I remember the first power failure following his death when everything had to be rebooted. Those messages were the first thing I looked for and yes, they are still there.
pps to Nikki. I hate that movie too. (Notebook). It must have been late 2012 or early this year when it was on tv. I was in the kitchen making a dinner that my husband might or might not choose to eat, or might throw it on the floor, or might put it in the bathroom, whatever. That movie was on the tv on the kitchen. It did not help anything. The Hollywood version of not what IT is like....
abby*--6 weeks is not that long to deal with and assimilate all you went through--and I do have a clue. My DH went to the hospital Jan.1, 2012 and in the next 2 weeks was moved from the ER to a bed; to the Psych Hospital; back to the ER (new peoblem) to the CCU; to the PMU (Psych-Med unit). On Jan. 30 he was transferred to the NH. I'd had to agree (or accept) each change, including okaying the move to a NH 45 minutes away, that I could not even visit(transpo issues). By some grace the local NH I'd wanted called with an opening 2 1/2 hours before, and he went there. The second Dx-- CHFcaused by critical Aortic Stenosis did not come under good stabilization. June 6th his Cardiologist explained the condition, treatment (open hneart surgery--not an option for DH) and it's prognosis--terminal, but estimated we'd have about a year. DH died July 8th. You had even less time than I for the total shift from in-home Caegiver to Placment, to NH, tko widowhood. But we did have time to begin the adjustments from being with them 24/7 to only visits and from doing so much hands-on to monitoring the crew doing that. I believe it would have been much harder to have gone fom in-home Carevgiving to widowhood in the blink of an eye--that's what it would have been for me. So, yes, the transitions we went through were hard, but they also allowed us some time to rest and start relaxing from "High Alert" into acceptance. Not much, but some.
Good post Wolf, as always you left me with much to ponder.
Emily, perfection!
Carol, you are such a gem! I will be smiling all week with thoughts of you sending out that pack of Big Girl panties :)
Abby, you did not have the time you needed for many things....... I still remember your sadness when you expressed how you had not yet reached a peaceful place of acceptance, that it was more resignation. This is just my opinion, but I don't think 6 weeks was enough time for you to even begin to adjust and find the benefit of peace that comes with long term placement. True you didn't have the 24/7 care, but with you and your DH it was one crisis after another.
Speaking for myself I was in mourning for close to two years after placing Lynn. If he had passed during that time, I don't think I would have had any relief, perhaps only more guilt.
We have now passed the four year mark, and I have finally reached a place of peace and comfort in my own heart. But I readily accept, this is only because Lynn has reached a place of peace and happiness in his own little world. If Lynn is "ok" then I am too.....
I think of you often Abby and hope you can reach a place of peace ((hugs)) ♥
So I talked to the psychologist. She's 53, has a 30 year old son, loves what she does, still feels clunky from when she took ballet and was tall for her age but she stopped because the shoes hurt her feet. She lost her mother when she was 48 and still remembers telling her it was alright to let go because the cancer was hurting her. That influenced her on where she chose to practise. She thinks everyone has their own emotions and feelings and that in many ways we all live in our own worlds. She loves listening to the stories that tell you about a person and was very interested in the stories I told. You can see she genuinely likes Dianne. She's associated with that nursing home and had spent time with her. She remembered taking her to the piano early last year and trying to get her to play (which she remembered me mentioning).
Wolf--I hope you will be able to help the psychologist with her "issues" :) Sounded like you were the analyst and she the patient (just kidding). Seems like she is good at relating to people--a big plus for both you and Dianne. IMHO, any doctor/psychologist/social worker in the dementia field should be sizing up the care partner's mental health and "treating" us along with the person with dementia.
Good to check in here and thankfully see things are going along. WOLF..keep up the 'good work'..I would like to amend that condition to TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. As long as we are in there 'pitching' its far from POST. Same result though, just one less letter to put in the mix. There is a routine here that seems somewhat stable for DH at the NH. Notice 'somewhat' and most of the time I say 'relatively ok' when people kindly (they do mean well) ask how DH is doing.
I also KNOW that if they heard me say that, then WENT immediately to the NH immediately to see him being 'relatively ok', they would disagree and be shocked and disheartened. BUTt its not likely that those asking (kindly) would ever go. The truth is that he is doing as well as he can..Relatively OK but is declining and that is the way of this bastardly disease. Thank you all for being here. I check in from time time. Am trying to focus on painting again. Have managed to go to 2 painting events since October. They are short 2 days or maybe just one..I make sure someone is looking after things at the NH..but its been a healthy change of scene and subject! May we all survive this somehow. Much love to all
Well done Wolf, glad your feeling better. MarilnMD...so true , we need some care and treating too...just a kind word helps at times. Judy...that's what I say now, "he's as good as can be"...which is true, no point in giving all the details, they really need to see for themselves...boy, some would get a shock!
I belong to this group since my husband is in an adult family home. He has Lewy Body and, yesterday, started to "babble" for the first time. He has been so silent and slurring most of his words lately. This was surprising and puzzling and, of course, depressing! I started to just nod and grunt from time to time while he did a monologue, complete with hand gestures and sincere voice inflection. Today there was none of that but he continues to not sleep much and be very tired, falling asleep off and on while I am there. I, too, feel stuck in two worlds only I don't feel like I can regain my place in my old world. I desperately wish for a one to one conversation [not good at the groups any more] with a person with similar needs. I like this website but yearn for meeting face to face. I should mention that, while we have no kids or much family, I am gifted with many true friends who are terrific listeners but really aren't able to do much more, not that there's much to be "done" really. However, with the help of my friends, I recently made a big decision to sell some farmland which had been in my family for decades. This will help out with Jon's expenses and give me peace of mind for a while. Farming is a huge gamble and I never had the stomach for gambling. The whole thing happens at an auction [I'm like a fish out of water here but that seems to be the way things are done in the midwest] on April 15 which gives me the willies but hopefully it will be successful!
I hope also that the auction will be a success. A little more or less isn't probably as important as some peace of mind about the expenses. Good luck in April!
Gardenan, I do not belong here at all, but I devour every word on this forum. My husband also has Lewy body and I would also love to talk to someone one on one about this. Our children listen but how can anyone understand what it's like unless you live this life. Never in a million years did I think this would happen to my husband. He is a retired CEO who now takes 2 hours to take pills and get dressed in the morning. Our social life is dwindling and I am terrified of what will happen if it stops. Of course, this all happened right after he retired. The old cliche happened, retire then do nothing!
gardenan, I too hope the auction goes well for you. And how wonderful that you have friends you can lean on. That will help so much.
Lady golfer, is there a local support group you could attend? Maybe they could offer you the one on one support you are looking for. Whatever the diagnoses, tragically the end is the same. My heart goes out to you ((hugs))
Thanks for the hugs Nikki. I am attending a support group on Monday. My first one. I'm hopeful that I'll find someone there or at least a suggestion for a local therapist.
Lady golfer--good luck with the support group. If you don't like it, try another. I tried 3 groups and found the 4th to be the only one I liked--stuck with that one. It helped me so much (that was 6 yrs ago) and I was asked to be a facilitator about 2 years ago, which gives me satisfaction that I'm helping others with their struggle.
Checking in again. I had a total knee replacement a month ago and it certainly has been an experience. Prior to that I was going into the nursing home three times a day to give my husband his meals and watch over everything like a hawk. I was worried sick that he would not be OK without me being there. I had a long discussion with the charge nurse outlining my concerns and letting her know I would be expecting her to monitor my husband's condition closely. What has happened is that I have been so pre-occupied with my own pain and recovery that I have had to let go to some extent of those worries. I have only been in 4 times but am pleased to say that he is holding his own. The last time was the first time I had a real sense that he had missed me and seemed to know me. As I was giving him lunch, he suddenly stared at me and started crying out, no tears but a wail that went on for a while. Staff said he has been so "good", almost making me feel that I caused his upset. I'm hoping that once I have recovered I will not feel a need to go in 3 times a day but rather give at least some attention to my own needs and have some life outside the nursing home. It remains to be seen.
Inge, I think that after such a long time of caregiving, that it perfectly reasonable that you do cut back your visiting time, especially as it seems the facility they have been taking good care of him. I found that as the years went on (and on) that 3 times a week, with the weekend off, was best for me and that I wasn't exhausted. Then, at the end, when you are there at the care facility most of the time, at least you've had of a break along the way and have some resilience left. The end time can be gruelling.
That's my worry Mary, that the end time will be gruelling.
And Inge, it is that sad for both of you even though it's you that probably feels it a lot more where hopefully much of the time he isn't that aware. I think we have to try and understand that feeling guilt is almost necessarily going to be there but we should probably fight giving it legitimacy. We're doing what we have to both in helping them and helping ourselves survive. We're as likely to feel guilty as we are to feel sad. It comes with the territory.
Dear Wolf, for some it is a blessed, peaceful passing. But it is still a major event, and you need some reserve energy to see you through. I think that we all pray for a "good death" for ourselves and for others. And Nature is kind to those dying in that it is most often a quiet slipping away. It's those left who bear the brunt.
Yes it is Mary. My cancer friend two weeks ago accepted it when he was told his time had come. He talked to the family, he made sure some things about finances were understood, he told them how much he loved them, and I talked to both the kids for quite a while and I know he just accepted this is where he dies.
I go to see her less than once a week and I never stay long. Her whole family when they got together last actually arranged to all sit me down and tell me how lucky she was to have me because they know that's killing me but I can't do it. I have two nephews who both have busy lives but they come out to where I am and take me to see her. I watched literally half a dozen seasoned professionals cry in front of me and even the psychologist had a few tears in her eyes when I told her some of the stories. Yet I come here and I have done no more or less than most others. It makes me think most don't get the feedback which can be the only answer I can think of. That is why I say it here so often.
I think the underlying truth is deeper and I don't pretend to be qualified to say so but my experience is that I'm not often out in the weeds. I think the part of turning back into life by ourselves is the very hardest part for many to conceive or do in which caring for them pales in comparison.
I know one thing. I am willing to be judged both by her and by my god. And if they start counting how often I saw her when she was in a nursing home towards the end then I'll know someone's playing a joke.
Thank you. I'll tell you what I think most of our spouses would say if they could.
I hope my sickness didn't ruin life for you too.
In Scott's last hours he worried about his wife and his children who had to go on - not himself. And they worried about him. But the moment came where he was right and now the damage cancer has done to that family is all on her and the children's shoulders because Scott had his time and he understood that and accepted it. But those that are left usually can't do that like that. Even though the person dying was telling them to. "Enjoy your time it's all you have." he told them.
Their son is gay. I told him I couldn't care less and didn't care what his sister did in her bedroom equally. He called me when he needed someone to talk to through this ordeal. I feel good that I'm his 'uncle'. Some of my favourite uncles weren't blood and I know what they meant to me. We can't do some things but we can do others and I'm content to learn to live with that.
It's strange how we create our imagery. I've told numerous people about my idea of spending a summer in Paris. It was just an idea when I needed one. It keeps coming up now. My sister mentioned it again today and I think it may be because those around me finally have something good to wish me.
But what I really want to say is that I'm in my 16th month home alone and I can't imagine today having made a decision about my life before now. And what I mean is I keep changing or it keeps changing.
I was in shock for three months. Lost for three months. Went out a few times and felt natural for the first time in the next three months, and I would have said I was myself as I wound up that first year. But what I didn't realize is it was going to take my feelings longer.
I knew I wasn't reacting much to my good friend's fight with cancer. I knew it was because I had my own damage but I had no sense of how little I felt. The last 3 months which is the first 3 in the second year, I have really felt a lot of feelings that weren't there like that before. Fondness for her, newly remembered good memories which now come faster, and for the first time recently I imagined myself being her and imagined it all happening to me. Not being able to make the telephone do what I wanted and not even having clarity on what that is but having my husband (me) scolding me for not doing it right (oh what a treat all this is). The depth to which I could imagine the broken/lost/terrified confusion is still stunning now. And no I don't regret pushing her to hang on to what she could - to fight for it.
But while she continues to deteriorate, I am going the other way. There are new notes of saddness and pain coming off that piano which I couldn't reach or feel before. It's almost like returning completely to your own normal is a thousand steps. Saying it another way it's like it all has less depth but a wider breadth. It touches more things at the same time without stinging so much.
I really do need a life. And I am so past wondering if I'll be alright. And it is so sad what has all happened to us and that poor kid. But I'm going to finish stripping the rugs. I did one bedroom and there's 50 year old hardwood underneath that has never seen the light of day. I'm starting to care about where I am.
I'm not making any major plans this year. I have the feeling I'm going to be seeing life differently for a while to come yet. For example I realize I'm still unwilling to let life happen. I don't mean women really, I mean forward motion in being/doing things. I think I've reached a neutral kind of gear and I'll take that right now (all this is overall of course there are ups and downs)
And my sister today encouraged me to write the comedy I've been working on. I do the bits for her while we're on the phone and I can hear her laughing. It's suddenly made me realize what my mind is trying to do. It's a strange thing the mind.
Underneath is a fierce resistance to accepting all this at much deeper levels. "I don't want this!" I have suddenly yelled out loud out of nowhere. Or sympathy so strong I have to hold it back. You know all the different feelings. Lonliness so hollow there isn't even a single tear.
Well I got news. My cancer friend in his last numerous hours with complete clarity of mind understood and accepted his time so well he had to remind his family to buck up for a few hours because it was him that was dying. They felt so sorry for him and for themselves they couldn't grasp that he was here now and wanted to talk on his last day. He'd fought well, his time had come, and he understood and accepted that. Fifty six years old. Like a beacon showing me the way.
This is one of the days of my life. And I've completely wasted it. Which was my goal. Nailed it! God, I'm like Nureyev in some ways.
Wolf, your friend sounds like Valerie Harper who asked," why have the funeral before the funeral?" Having volunteered at Princess Margaret for almost a year now, I can tell you that the vast majority of those dealing with cancer, do so with grace and courage. I hope that if I am faced with it, I can deal with it in the same way.
I know that seems so trivial, but it is actually a turning point for me. I use to have beautiful outside gardens and in my home I had lots and lots of plants and terrariums. It was a hobby I suppose, one that brought me great joy and also brightened the days for me during the winter months.
When I became disabled in 99 I wasn't able to keep up with the gardens, but I did still tinker with them. Lynn however did all the hard work to maintain them. The houseplants were easy to care for, the terrariums more difficult but still manageable for me. I thoroughly enjoyed working to keep them thriving. It was a difficult time for me personally, becoming disabled and learning to cope with a life of pain. It was therapeutic.
After Lynn was diagnosed, I did what I could to maintain the gardens and I clung to tending to the houseplants and terrariums. Until consumed in grief, I just didn't care anymore...... I gave away some of the plants, the others I simply tossed out. Who wants to work to keep a plant thriving when you are losing the love of your life? Not me!
I bought my first plant last week on fluke, it was 50% off and my niece pushed me to get it. I did reluctantly. I told her first we have to see if it was toxic to animals, which I researched and found out it was. Ah well, see you later plant. I gave it to my sister. But then became a bit melancholy about it.
It's been over 4 years since placement, perhaps I am ready to return to the old me, to pursue the things that used to bring me joy. Thursday I went to the store with the purpose to get some plants. I stood there for over an hour googeling the ASPCA site to see which plants were safe for the pets. I ended up with a big palm, two smaller plants and a cactus assortment dish garden. As I put them in the car passenger seat I caught myself smiling. When I got in the car and looked at them the amount of joy I felt seemed ridiculous! Seriously I thought I might tear up there for a minute or two. Get a hold of yourself there Nik, it's just a plant! But it isn't, it is so much more....
Yesterday I went terrarium shopping, I found the perfect one and bought my first tiny plant for it. Spring is here, the Earth is showing signs of new life all around me. Perhaps it is contagious? I feel a lightness of heart that I haven't felt in simply years! Each time I look at the plants I can't help the smile that spreads across my face :)
Nikki, I agree it's simple things we value(d) that can help us back. We're kind of rubbery for while or maybe another word is fragile. I hope we all gradually find things that help us and I've felt emotional when I've made a good cup of coffee and realized I was really enjoying it. Not when I enjoyed it, when I realized I was enjoying something again. A number of things are coming back over time in that way.
Thank you Wolf ♥ I knew you would understand the depths of what the plants symbolize for me. I am choosing life, to feel alive again and it is a powerful emotion.
I have felt happiness for some time now. I know how greatly I have been blessed to have parts of "My Lynn" back and truly I treasure every moment we are blessed with. I do absolutely anything and everything I can think of to bring joy to his life, to make him smile, to make what time he has left as happy as possible.
I will still go every day because seeing him does bring joy to my heart ♥ But now, I will also purposely pursue things that will also bring joy to my life. Clarifying and profound week for me. I should be emotionally spent, but I feel recharged. It's a great feeling, one I hope will last.
I am glad to hear you are finding meaning in ordinary things again Wolf. That is how it happened to me too, slow but steady.
Oh Nikki, so glad that you are finding joy in your life again. I have a living room full of plants, so I know how you feel. I can't wait to put them on the back porch so they can get the sun & warm weather. No, it really isn't trivial.......it's HUGE! To be able to do the things we love, while still caring for the person we love.........well THAT puts a smile on my face! Blessings to you Dear Heart!
Wolf, I'd love to have a "good" cup of coffee with you!
Nikki you have made a huge turn in your train of thoughts friend. so happy to hear the plants are now a once again agenda and you have joy in your life! anything that gives us pleasure and a smile is so worthwhile - divvi
Nikki...it's a big thing to feel happy again. I'm so happy for you....you deserve to be happy. Plants are a living thing and you are nurturing them, to grow. They will give you so much pleasure in return. Yay Nikki....keep finding ways that make you smile and bring some sunshine to yourself!
Nikki, I can relate to your feelings about buying plants again. Fashion has always been an interest of mine--since my teen years. But during the "survival mode" days of Steve's illness, I bought wash and wear things and composed a sort of uniform for myself--a no brainer--and wore it over and over. I knew things were better later on when my interest in fashion was rekindled and I had the time and energy to focus on it again and to enjoy it as I had in the past. It's such a good feeling to be able to awaken our old interests--happy to hear you are getting pleasure from your new plants--I love them too.
Thank you all so much for not making me feel a fool for almost crying over getting a plant! Here we are always understood, such a wonderful feeling ♥
The first 18months after placement were so difficult, I was in mourning and needed that time to grieve. When Lynn was given the Marinol and started to be able to make eye contact, smile and communicate, I felt I was in the presence of a miracle and it helped lift me from the depression. It was impossible to not feel happiness!
Slowly that happiness started to carry over to my life outside of my visits with Lynn. I have had many moments of joy these past couple of years. I am happiest when I am with Lynn and he is laughing and smiling. If he could stay just as he is, with no pain, I would wish he could live forever. He is happy, and I dearly love him so. I could live the rest of my life just as I am.
The kids and family activities keep me busy and not one day goes by that those kids don't make me laugh right out loud. Though I do things with them and for them, I have not purposely set out to do something that would be just for me, something to make me happy. The plants are my baby step back to me.....It's a great feeling!!
I hope you are able to find a little sunshine in your hearts ☼ ((hugs))
Nikki I can just picture your plants thriving for you, and in their green way, sending you love. I too, yet of course different from your long journey, had 2 mornings this week where I woke up hopeful, not worried, no tightness or anxiety in my chest.
Alas it did not last. You know of the neighbors I always gripe about, well they just went back to the mainland after two months. Finally, after 44 years of "best friends" with her, just yesterday via email we "broke up" for real. It all stems from around the time Dado first got sick, the non support and judgement. Now, they have done a money stab in the back thing, on their way out.
That is all I will say. What is important, is that I can come on here and talk about my broken heart, the one that had a wee healing, to get stomped on. Yet I know I am going to get through it correctly, as I am opening my heart, sending love out despite all the hate, and making the big decision to be more careful about who I allow in my life.
So many of us have said, that this experience though terrifying and deadly, sometimes we can get through it without dying and do something wonderful for the world . This is what I hope. And please if any of you could send love my way today, so I can fill my heart start to mend, once again.
Feel that Coco? That's me wrapping you in a tight hug ♥♥ I am sorry you had to deal with yet more heartache. I hope you will soon be able to put them behind you. ((hugs))